Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

The irony about parents saying their DC can't manage changing bedding yet.

The op would have changed her DC bedding had she been able to get to the bedding and the floor and beds been reasonably clear of mess.

Don't know what the situation is in the US, but here in the UK childcare costs often drive a parent to give up work in order to still pay the bills.
No point in two working if someone's earnings are more than wiped out, as that comes at a cost to everyone's quality of life

Is the o/p in the US? Must have missed that.

What most people miss is that long term there is every point in continuing to work. Childcare is often only 3 years, then it gets cheaper.
Over the course of the child's life 3 years paying childcare vs min 12 years of not working, plus generally a period sah means your returning salary stalls. Add in employers pension contributions and it is far better financially to stay in work.

Plus nursery is both parents expense. Funny how the solution is rarely both parents go part time and share childcare is costs are prohibitive, or for mum to stay at work.

There are ways to offset nursery costs- we went interest only on the mortgage for the duration, and used savings.

And that is a parenting decision, not something that means the one staying at home has solely decide

Right?! Poster's like this always make it sound like it wasn't actually a discussion. I didn't rock out of bed one day and say oh by the way DH I'm not going to work anymore.

I'm not going to be falling over myself in gratitude because of a decision he was part of, he agreed with and which benefits him in ways I haven't even gone into here.

A certain amount of gratitude is also owed to stay at home parents who usually facilitate the working parent so they are able to work, including providing childcare and saving costs for nursery and wraparound care at school.

Is the o/p in the US? Must have missed that
Sorry to confuse - pretty sure TiredofaTattler is in the US, she's on this board alot.
Thanks for the run down of other options, but none of that invalidates OP and her husband's decision, presumably that they calculated was the best thing for their circumstances.
I do actually know couples who have gone down the routes you describe so no, I wouldn't say it's that rare.
I also know that they wouldn't work for everyone.
*Full time working mother, child in nursery, no dog in this race

OP being a stay at home parent has nothing to do with this. They've said they are happy to so some cleaning. They are not happy to pick up pants and plates that the children are perfectly capable of picking up themselves. My DSC know that anything that needs washing up will get done if it's bought downstairs or put in their washing basket. It isn't hard but it's disgusting to expect someone who isn't even their parent to do it.

@jb7445

The implication that someone who's homeless would be willing to be 'a slave' in return for shelter is pretty fucking distasteful in itself (and wrong). And that's not even getting into the SAHM/homeless comparisons. That poster is either a troll or has some seriously unpleasant views (probably both).

They are always posting rubbish on step parenting threads.

I'm sorry OP but you are a stay at home parent, you have time to tidy. Even if you didn't want to tidy their room you could've changed their bedding. You sound incredibly mean. I am sick to death of reading posts of horrible women who get into relationships with men who already have children, then treat these children as an inconvenience. And yes I an a step mum.

Even if you didn't want to tidy their room you could've changed their bedding. she couldn't, there were old plates and pants in the way.

And yes I an a step mum.

At 9 I didn't expect them to change sheets or vacuum (at 12 to strip them but not put them back on) but would expect glasses, plates etc to be brought down and toys etc to be put away. I don't touch dp's DD's room but she's a lot older (university), it's a pigsty and I've made it clear that it's to be spotless when she leaves in September

@supersonicginandtonic

I'm sorry OP but you are a stay at home parent, you have time to tidy. Even if you didn't want to tidy their room you could've changed their bedding. You sound incredibly mean. I am sick to death of reading posts of horrible women who get into relationships with men who already have children, then treat these children as an inconvenience. And yes I an a step mum.

I am sick to death of reading horrible comments from people that haven't actually read the situation and evaluated, they're just jumping to judgmental conclusions whilst patting themselves on the back for their moral superiority. She can't change the bedding without tidying the rest of their squalor, because the bed is covered in it.

Teaching children that they need to tidy their own bedrooms is not "treating them as an inconvenience", it's called parenting. It's not about having time to do it, it's about the fact that they should be doing it themselves.

I am sick to death of reading posts of horrible women who get into relationships with men who already have children, then treat these children as an inconvenience
I'm sick to death of reading posts about horrible men who have children than treat these children as an inconvenience by trying to offload the unpleasant parts of parenting them onto someone else while simultaneously refusing to show that person any respect or support.

@jb7445
What is particularly distasteful is raising the spectre of "being a slave" because you are picking up after 2 young kids who could quite easily be required to remove all of the trash and utensils from their respective rooms before they are returned to their other home.

I would find it troubling to leave garbage in any area of my home as a way of teaching someone else a lesson. My own sensibilities would make this not a reasonable or effective solution.

Living with garbage behind a closed door would not be a way that I could comfortably live, but for some, it may be a perfectly tolerable alternative.

@aSofaNearYou haha we should get one of those little feeling sticks to pass around -
"I'm sick to death of..."

It's not treating them as an inconvenience it's treating them as responsible children who can tidy up after themselves if they want to. Putting them in good stead for when they grow up and move out and maybe find a partner so that they don't then expect that partner to pick up their pants and plates.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@jb7445
What is particularly distasteful is raising the spectre of "being a slave" because you are picking up after 2 young kids who could quite easily be required to remove all of the trash and utensils from their respective rooms before they are returned to their other home.

I would find it troubling to leave garbage in any area of my home as a way of teaching someone else a lesson. My own sensibilities would make this not a reasonable or effective solution.

Living with garbage behind a closed door would not be a way that I could comfortably live, but for some, it may be a perfectly tolerable alternative.[/quote]
I'd rather live with it for a week than be expected by default to deal with it every time, yes.

Presumably OP would "require" them to do it themselves if she was their mother. She doesn't have that power so equally shouldn't have to deal with the consequences.

I must be a right soft touch .. but I'd expect them to tidy .. but not clean snd change their bedsheets .. I'd just steam in and get them helping

I hate some of the stepparent threads and despair how selfish some people are with stepchildren, but this is totally different. I wouldn’t allow my own children at these ages to make a tip of the house and then tidy it up for them just to be met with a bad attitude.

Learning to keep their environment tidy is important for kids, and allowing them to start doing it while they’re young sets them up for adulthood.

My dd’s room was getting like this, so I explained about maggots and that she would need to clean them up when they hatched.

Laundry was away and dirty dishes brought down that night :)

@aSofaNearYou
I may live in a totally different world, but I do not have to be granted permission to tell any minor child in my home to tidy up a mess that they made. I say things like this when necessary to any children who have created a mess that they are capable of tidying.

Who would grant her permission to speak up in the house?

Sometimes, I think that people make issues of easily resolved solutions.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
I may live in a totally different world, but I do not have to be granted permission to tell any minor child in my home to tidy up a mess that they made. I say things like this when necessary to any children who have created a mess that they are capable of tidying.

Who would grant her permission to speak up in the house?

Sometimes, I think that people make issues of easily resolved solutions.[/quote]
When I want my DSS to tidy his room, I tell him to get himself upstairs and do it. I'm pretty sure many on MN would say I was overstepping by doing that. Aren't you the person constantly saying parents should be able to parent as they wish without their partner interfering? Their dad has decided not to tell them to tidy up.

In OPs shoes I would tell them, once, but if they didn't rise to that request, it would be on my DP to sort out, either way. It's not her job to put emotional energy into nagging them just to avoid the outcome of being left to do it herself.

My 9 year old and 6 year old both tidy their own rooms. I've taught them to play music while they do it to make it a bit more enjoyable. Sometimes they need some guidance on where to put things and sometimes things end up in unusual places, but the point is they both try.

They help with things like changing sheets and a bit of dusting, but aren't expected to vacuum or wipe windows, mirrors etc.

They help with cooking or laying the table and clearing the table after meals.

I generally try to find a short time slot for them to help in eg let's have tidy up time now and then we'll have dinner and a film. They do grumble a bit about tidying, but know it's non negotiable.

I think it's down to your DH to help encourage them to learn to contribute to family life in this way. These are skills that they will most likely need in life and as their parent he should be encouraging learning and good habits.

Also why do they have plates in bedrooms? My kids are allowed a glass of water by their bed, but no eating in bedrooms. They eat at the table or might have a snack in the living room if we're watching a movie.