Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

I have a 9 and nearly 12 year old. While they could attempt to change their bedding; they need my help and guidance.

So, why not help them instead of just not doing it. Your DH is right.

Tell your DH if he’s not happy to clean it himself.

Jesus thats cruel! Especially for the 9 year old. My DD is almost 9 and this isn’t expected of her; because she’s a child.
Your DH is right and I would be seriously pissed off if I was him.

I think at 9 and 12 they probably do need some help and guidance to keep their space clean, however that doesn't mean that has to come from you if their Dad is refusing to help. Why is it always on you to clean and tidy, and apparently to teach these life skills too. What is he doing that's so important he can't take 20 mins out and help teach them to change a bed ?

"Why not help them?" What a joke.
Why doesn't DH help them? If OP has done every other damn thing it's the least he could do
I gave up looking after my DSDs room a few months in. DH was getting waaaaaay to comfortable in thinking it was actually my job.
Now, if she's trashed it then that's how it stays and that's what she gets next time she comes. If it's not important enough for DSD or DH to bother sorting, it's certainly not important enough for me to waste my time either.
What a fucking cheek!

Because their room is absolutely horrible that's why. Glasses are left in there, food and so on. I have spoken to DH about this so many times and asked him to get them to do basic things like bringing drinks back down stairs, not letting them have food up there if it's left and it never changes.

I have offered to help many times and I get whinged at and lip back from them about it so I told DH he would need to encourage it. He doesn't.

I'm not a slave. If my husband trashed the living room and left mouldy cups in there I would leave them for him too!

My 9 yr old is expected to tidy up his room but I do the cleaning but (hoovering etc) and change the bedding.

I can see your point but at 9 I would still be willing to help them. The 12 yr old is capable of tidying themselves and learning to change a bed although I’m not sure I’d expect them to do that part.

Cross post with your update … their dad needs to help them then and also be firmer! Dirty plates and glasses is unacceptable… I was guilty of it as a teen and for that reason my kids aren’t allowed food in their rooms!

They can't even make a bowl of cereal for themselves ever. Honestly they are encouraged to do absolutely nothing for themselves or around the house.

I wouldn't do it either. And it's not up to you to show them how to clean/tidy their rooms, it's up to their dad.

Well he can do it himself presumably, unless he has some condition that bans him from using the hoover.

If their rooms are this dirty, then they obviously don’t know how to tidy and clean - it’s a life skill we need to teach our kids. He needs to go into their rooms with them and supervise them cleaning and tidying, tell them each thing to do. I’ve done that since mine were 7/8 and now at 9 & 11 they know if I say clean your room I mean all rubbish picked up, toys put away neatly, bed made and clean, furniture wiped and floor hoovered. It may feel overwhelming to them at the moment so he needs to support them to sort it.

They're your husband's kids not your's, he should get off his arse

I've shown them how to make beds before, I've also asked DH to show them too. Not sure why it should always be down to me.

It’s your OH’s job, not yours.

Last time I tidied their room the eldest said 'oh FINALLY'!!

My 9 year old tidies and cleans his own room, so does my 10 year old, the 10 year old can also make her own bed. I think it it good to get them to tidy and clean up after themselves. It's a life skill that they need.

You are not 'cruel'. Let me start there! As a stepmum I'm in agreement with you about them cleaning their rooms, my lovely 7 year old step child gives theirs a very quick tidy before they leave every week and it's always in a good state. The sheet changing is a job for your husband though! I do run the hoover around and dust there while I'm doing everywhere else though. Why should her husband be 'seriously pissed off'? They are his kids to look after! Honestly this site makes stepmums out to be absolutely awful, everyone needs to remember the children have 2 parents to care for them and they are not the step parents responsibility! According to mumsnet we are expected to walk on egg shells around them, not leave them out of a single activity we do and constantly pander to them. I'll repeat, they have 2 other parents to do these things and it's not down to us as step parents. Before anyone jumps on me I can assure you me and my stepchild have a lovely relationship and get on well.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs.

The implication being that having to sleep/play in a messy room is uncomfortable? So if it is then surely they would clean it themselves as they are old enough to? I have two DC- one isn’t bothered by his messy room so doesn’t clean it, one can’t stand it so he does. If children are uncomfortable with something they’ll do what they can to prevent being in that situation.

@Cakeathon

Last time I tidied their room the eldest said 'oh FINALLY'!!

That is terrible. I can see why you wouldn't do it again.

Your husband needs to take a lot of responsibility here. Can't he ask them to bring all their rubbish downstairs? Can't he strip their beds?

His children haven’t cleaned it which suggests they aren’t uncomfortable so it’s not mean to leave them with Messy room.

@aimslou

My 9 year old tidies and cleans his own room, so does my 10 year old, the 10 year old can also make her own bed. I think it it good to get them to tidy and clean up after themselves. It's a life skill that they need.

Exactly. I'm not sure why PPs think a 9 year old can't possibly tidy up after themselves. He absolutely could if he was made to do so by his father. He just doesn't want to.

That is terrible. I can see why you wouldn't do it again

I've also been told all about how "well mummy does it at her house"

I said that's great but I'm not your mummy so please tidy your room.

My 6 and 8 year old tidy their own rooms and make their beds. Obviously they can’t put the sheets or duvets on but they can make the bed look nice. They have done this since they were 4

Yanbu OP

I know it sounds like we don't get on but we actually do have a good relationship in every other aspect except this.

Also, be careful about getting too involved in helping or encouraging.
I got absolutely slaughtered on here once because I said I handed my DSD a little bin bag and asked her to start by picking up all the rubbish in her room while I cleaned the bathroom, then I would come and see her and sort out the next stage. The room had gotten to a state it was bothering me even behind a closed door.
"Poor little girl" "that's so cruel" "people like you give step mothers a bad name" blah blah blah
For asking a 9 year old to pick up her own rubbish in her own room? They way people went on it was as if I had her picking up needles from a city centre Street
She still didn't do it, it was too hard. Oh well then.