Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

If they are only there EOW then it's a long time until the bedding would be truly dirty. Once they reach the sweaty age then they are truly old enough to strip their beds themselves!!!

They are here one week on one week off. So 50%

Reciprocity yes, gratitude, no! Does he go to work out of gratitude to OP for cleaning the house and looking after their shared children? No one needs to be grateful here. Everyone just needs to pick up after themselves and demonstrate basic hygiene and pride in their living space.

If they do that then OP is happy to look after the house and the kids

Can't blame you at all OP. This is on your husband. He's an adult, they are grown up enough to tidy up under instruction. And you aren't their parent so I think it's difficult for you to parent them like this. But you are saying that you are only expecting the standard you would have for your own child. He's teaching them that you are there to be their skivvy. If he thinks they should have a tidy room, that's on him. I have a 12 year old and he does require supervision to tidy up so a parental hand is needed here.
I assume that if they stripped their beds, you'd wash the bedding, if the floor was clear, you would put a Hoover round the floor? If so, then stick to your guns.

Ew no don't touch their pants! I presume they have a wash basket?

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

Jesus thats cruel! Especially for the 9 year old. My DD is almost 9 and this isn’t expected of her; because she’s a child. Your DH is right and I would be seriously pissed off if I was him.

Cruel to ask them to leave their room in a decent state??! My 7yo is expected to keep her room tidy, meaning nothing on the floor, books properly on the shelves, toys in drawers, dirty laundry in the basket, bed made. Don’t get me wrong, the room is not spotless every day, but once a week before the cleaner comes she has to do it. When I change the sheets she is expected to help, doing the pillow while I do the duvet for ex.

If someone worked everyday to support me while I stayed at home (for whatever reason) , I would certainly clean the house from top to bottom out of a sense of gratitude and reciprocity.
It is certainly far less demanding to maintain a clean house than it is to work 40 hours a week to support another able bodied adult.

I started to see sections of this extremely sexist comment quoted, and I just knew it would be from you. We don't see eye to eye often on here but I have to say your attitude about SAHMs (even temporary ones on mat leave), and the "gratitude" they should feel and show at all times for being facilitated to be lazy slobs by their hero "worker" partner, and the frequency with which you share that opinion on here, really takes the biscuit. That particular view is genuinely disgusting to read.

Theyre lazy shits and your dh isnt helping them either-just because their mother picks up after them doesnt mean you should aswell

If hes that bothered he can do it

I would consider a compromise - they clear the bed your happy to change sheets, they clear the floor you hoover etc

@jellybeanteaparty

I would consider a compromise - they clear the bed your happy to change sheets, they clear the floor you hoover etc

What’s stopping their dad from changing the sheets or hoovering? His penis?

@AlwaysLatte

I still do my boys' rooms 13 and 11. They do sometimes do bits here and there but I just treat it like the rest of the house. Changing bedding is a bit much for them! I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out.

If I thought changing bedding was too much for 11 and 13 years old I’d feel I’d failed.

At what ages do you think they’ll be able to cope?

@jellybeanteaparty

I would consider a compromise - they clear the bed your happy to change sheets, they clear the floor you hoover etc

Or better still their dad does it. Op has done the rest of the house. His kids mess is his responsibility.

Your husband is majorly disrespecting you.

Nothing to stop DH doing this at all but OP indicated they would have done those tasks as part of cleaning the house if the rooms had been clear enough.

Is DH likely to take the hint at any time?

I’d be inclined to agree to change the bed and hoover on the condition that the room is tidy to start with

Stick to your guns.

50% of the time.

Geez your DH needs to seriously step up and say "house rules here are ness and floor clear on X day ready for cleaning. Dirty clothes in the wash every evening"

He's taking the piss.

What’s stopping their dad from changing the sheets or hoovering? His penis?

Its seems to be on his head so maybe it gets in the way. 😬

The eldest could easily help with vacuuming the rest of the house (again assuming no disability)

He's working a very hard 40 hour week to support OP, that must prevent him from displaying his no doubt impressive sheet changing skills.

I am also a STHM. I have DS8 and DD6. They both clean their own rooms, open curtains morning and close them at night, they both bring all their own clothes washing to the kitchen.I hoover, dust and change their bedding but that is it. It's their own space. I also respect their space by knocking on their doors and letting them have a feel of their own room.

We don't eat upstairs so we have no problems with dishes. But after meal times they also scrape their own plates and pop their dishes into the sink for me to clean.

Sometimes it's not perfect but it's never a eye sore. Other than tidying their own mess they have no 'house chores'. I want them to grow up knowing how to clean up after themselves and respect their own living space.

Does DH expect you to clear up the wank mess of the eldest when that starts in a few years time too?

Presumably he spends time with them when they are there for the 50% of the time they are there. So he can just use that time the next week to clean up for them ready for the next time.

I have a 9 and 12 year old.

9 year old can put everything away and dirty clothes in basket but can't change the bedding - doesn't have the dexterity to do that yet, I've shown her but she's still not able yet. She can vacum and wipe sides.

12 year old can do most of the bed with maybe a little help straightening out the duvet once it's in the cover. Also is more than capable of cleaning the room and dusting/hoovering etc.

We have a no food in rooms rule, and any drink is in their washable bottle. Reason because they can never bother to bring them down so a long time ago started the rule and it works. Every now and again I allow them to have sweets in their room as a treat.

@Cakeathon your dripfeed/hands comment made me snort with laughter...

Ignore the usual tired old SM bashers. You are not being unreasonable, and your DH needs to either step up to parenting or cleaning. It's not on you.

Your DH is right and I would be seriously pissed off if I was him

Then he should do it. Why is it the o/p’s job?