Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

I have offered to help many times and I get whinged at and lip back from them about it so I told DH he would need to encourage it. He doesn't

The lip etc is pretty standard kid behave when they dont like doing something. They soon learn.

I don’t understand why you would just give up on them. They’re kids.

I was raised by foster parents who had their own kids so remember that feeling of being a second class child.

Why can't your DH fucking do it if he's so upset about it.
Don't do it.
They're all lazy toads.

I don't think it's giving up on kids to say I'm not doing it.

I think it's DH who should be picking up the slack to be honest. Either he does it or they do. His choice but make it uncomfortable for him.

Mum or stepmom doesn't = maid.

@newomums

I don't think it's giving up on kids to say I'm not doing it.

I think it's DH who should be picking up the slack to be honest. Either he does it or they do. His choice but make it uncomfortable for him.

Mum or stepmom doesn't = maid.

It kind of is actually.

I appreciate that there’s a DH problem here.

But these kids clearly need some serious discipline and if only one parent (the DH or the step mum) do it, then there’s a fail.

So I would suggest that the DH and step mum both need to present a united front and sort it. Not just throw the towel in.

You and your DH need to agree the rules, no food in bedrooms would be a good start! Make it clear to him that your joint DC will be expected to clean their own rooms aged 9. In fact, you could start with the small ones now: even tiny children can pick up toys, clothes etc. Once they’re about 4 they can make their own bed. This will show him that you’re not treating your step DC differently.

@Iggly

I have offered to help many times and I get whinged at and lip back from them about it so I told DH he would need to encourage it. He doesn't

The lip etc is pretty standard kid behave when they dont like doing something. They soon learn.

I don’t understand why you would just give up on them. They’re kids.

I was raised by foster parents who had their own kids so remember that feeling of being a second class child.

That's harsh. There is no evidence that the op treats them like second class.

You are not their slave but it really comes across that you don't like them /resent them. You are way off mark if you think they can change beds without being taught how. If you don't want to do it ask your hubby. But a lesson for you if you want your little ones to act differently as teens is to show them how to change their sheets and clean their rooms when they are young and do it with them until they can do it themselves. The parenting courses say you join in with the child until they get the hang of it - instructing them is likely to lead no where. You as an adult assume all this stuff is easy but its not when you are a child.

Especially when you have 4 DC they need to pitch in by having age appropriate responsibilities. Let DH crack on and be their slave if he wishes too.

Lovely father child bonding of doing it together.

As you’re a SAHM there is a big risk of you being seen as the family skivvy. Extremely bad message to send to impressionable children who will grow up thinking women do all the picking up after people.

Oh my SC are like this, similar ages. Their room is a disgrace but in fairness my DH does make them tidy it every week however it is a surface tidy.

As in they shove everything into draws, stuff toys and crap into the cupboard, bedding is thrown over the bed and there’s always paper and pens and small toys left scattered around.

It’s tidy as in it’s not a bombsite but if we didn’t insist then it would soon descend into a total pigsty. Some weeks there hasn’t been time and it has been disgusting.

One thing which really gets my goat - I will wash and dry clean clothes for them, fold them and pop them on their bench to be put away and at the end of the visit I will find the same clothes stuffed into my washing basket in the hallway. Because they are too lazy to open a drawer and put away a couple of tshirts.

One weekend I pulled out 4 pairs of pj bottoms, 2 fleece tops and a onesie. All clean. They’d only been in the house 13 hours.

At that point I called them and asked them why they thought it was ok to do that to me….they did have the decency to look ashamed.

OP I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not change the bedding if the bedroom is a cesspit, the agreement should be assuming the kids and your DP keep the room reasonably tidy, you will include it in the hoovering / dusting / bedding routine.

It sounds like your husband needs to parent his children. It’s not really the kids fault, it’s your husbands fault if he’s not encouraging them to make their own breakfast and tidy up after themselves. Direct you anger at him god being a crap dad.

*for bring a crap dad

Ffs

*for being a crap dad

DH should be doing it, with them. It's not your job, they are most certainly old enough.

You and your DH need to present a uninted front about the glasses and plates.

As a SAHM I don't see why you don't do the sheets when you do the others. To not do 2 sets of children's sheets seems a bit mean spirited. I say that as a SAHM to a pre school age child.

You are way off mark if you think they can change beds without being taught how. If you don't want to do it ask your hubby

If you had read my updates you'd see I have done both of these.

So I would suggest that the DH and step mum both need to present a united front and sort it. Not just throw the towel in

What's your wise suggestion then if my husband won't encourage this even though I've spoken to him about it multiple times?

I'm going to guess that you think I should just do it anyway because 'they are children'.

You sound at the end of your tether (and I don’t blame you).

It’s not ‘woman’s work’ and you don’t need to be a martyr and do it. They are his kids, let him get on with it.

I have 2 SC (12 & 15) they can’t (be bothered) and don’t do anything for themselves. They don’t do anything at their mums so at least it’s consistent - she treats them like babies. I shit you not….. they can’t even use the toaster, don’t know how to use a microwave, have never used the oven (at 15 I was cooking at least a dinner a week for the family), they can’t strip their beds (I don’t know how many times I have shown them) and have never washed a dish. This is so different to how I was brought up where we knew my mum wasn’t our slave and we all helped out.

Their dad wants everything to be ‘nice’ while they are here (Disney Dad) and won’t ask as they are only here EOW - so won’t ask them to do anything.

That’s absolutely fine - he does it all then. He sorts their room, picks the knickers out of the 15 year olds trousers before they go in the wash (as she can’t be bothered separating them herself), strips their beds, makes their beds and cleans their rooms.

More fool him as he isn’t teaching them any life skills. Not my kids, not my problem.

I would look up the NACHO method of raising SC. It’s helped my mental health tremendously.

Does DH think all the housework is your job?

They're clearly learning this expectation that women clear up after them from your husband. As ever, a DH problem

YANBU at all, in fact it's very clearly the best lesson you could teach both them and, most importantly, their dad. Ask him why HE hasn't cleaned it yet, since it's been weeks.

@Iggly Foster parents have a legal responsibility for the children they care for. A step-parent has no more legal responsibility than any other adult who the parent trusts.

In the OP's case it is her partner's job to parent his children. He also needs to take them to task when they refuse to do a reasonable request made by a trusted adult he's requested them.

I should add I had step-mothers. If I refused to do what the one I was in contact with said I would get told off by more by my mother than my dad. This is because my mother was well aware that my step-mother didn't have to do anything for me.

What's your wise suggestion then if my husband won't encourage this even though I've spoken to him about it multiple times?

Well if my partner wasn’t taking an active role in his kids upbringing I’d find it very hard to stick around. There’s no way I’d be forced into doing it all especially as a step mum. But I wouldn’t be prepared to not help the kids out, so I’d just leave. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like it's time to have a chore board up including your husband.

Ok he works, and? If he lived alone he would still be when working and have to do everything himself.

Teaching them life skills isn't cruel, shame no one showed him growing up and now has the mindset that everything is down to you.

And how comes he isn't cruel? What is stopping him from helping his children do thibgs? Pass him the gloves and bags and tell him to crack on.

have you asked them why they don't clean up a little? Do they like living in filth?