Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

I'm also very aware that they are both boys too. I think the world encourages men/boys to leave everything to women enough without my help.

But you’re guilty of this by not laying the law down to your husband. Tell him to get his fucking arse in to gear or he can move out.

I still do my boys' rooms 13 and 11. They do sometimes do bits here and there but I just treat it like the rest of the house. Changing bedding is a bit much for them! I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out.

Why should they do any chores? They are just following their father's behaviour. They see him treat you like a skivvy with benefits, they know he has no respect for you.
I do hope your going back to work soon

I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out.

If DH did it they wouldn't left out.

Absolutely stick to your guns. You are not a maid and your home is not a hotel.

I would have flipped when one of them said finally. How rude and disrespectful. At that age they are more than capable of rising their room. Maybe if it wasn’t so disgusting you’d have changed their sheets and hoovered when you did the others.

Ban food upstairs and tell your dh either he sorts it or he will be sleeping in there with them and their mess!

All kids can help clean and tidy.

@StopGo

Why should they do any chores? They are just following their father's behaviour. They see him treat you like a skivvy with benefits, they know he has no respect for you. I do hope your going back to work soon

They don't have to. But I won't be stepping foot in their room.

@AlwaysLatte

I still do my boys' rooms 13 and 11. They do sometimes do bits here and there but I just treat it like the rest of the house. Changing bedding is a bit much for them! I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out.

Do your boys fill it with dirty dishes etc and say "finally" when you come around to clean it?

Perfectly reasonable to expect everyone in the house to make areas tidy enough for you to clean.

The fact they are step children is a red herring.

I don't work and as such do all the cleaning of the house, washing up, wash clothes etc. But they're all expected to deliver dirty clothes to the wash bin, dishes to the sink, keep the floors clear for hoovering etc.

You're not a skivvy and if they're not taking responsibility for basic picking up after themselves I don't see why you should.

That said, same rule applies for everyone in the house. Including your DH. Not just the step kids

@AlwaysLatte

I still do my boys' rooms 13 and 11. They do sometimes do bits here and there but I just treat it like the rest of the house. Changing bedding is a bit much for them! I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out.

Why is changing bedding a bit much for a 13 year old?!

Meant to say - if the floor isn't clear or clothes aren't in wash etc. I leave the whole room. I'd still change the sheets though unless the bed was covered in stuff

That said, same rule applies for everyone in the house. Including your DH. Not just the step kids

Absolutely. As I said earlier in the thread if my husband left mouldy cups around and rubbish on the floor, I wouldn't be tidying that up either.

@wedswench

Meant to say - if the floor isn't clear or clothes aren't in wash etc. I leave the whole room. I'd still change the sheets though unless the bed was covered in stuff

It is covered in stuff. Games, sweet wrappers, clothes, underwear ect... nope.

I don't touch my DSC's rooms. Their dad lives here, he can do it! I don't expect him to deal with my DC's rooms either.

I think it's also giving them a bit of privacy and respect at that age to not have their stepmum going through all their things.

I don’t think changing bedding is a bit much for a 13 year old, is it? Maybe I have too high expectations. I know for my son’s residential trip away with school and when my daughter’s been away for a night with brownies they expect them to be able to change bedding.

I’d leave it too, tbh. I’ve been changing my own sheets since before I can remember.
If your DH is upset about, the next time the kids are over he can organise a big tidy-up of their rooms and then tell them they have to keep it clean.

He needs to think about the kind of behaviour he’s teaching them going forward. It might be a difficult adjustment period but it’s best if they learn to clean up after themselves while they’re young.

Do your boys fill it with dirty dishes etc and say "finally" when you come around to clean it?
No, they're very good about bringing glasses down (plates not allowed in bedrooms anyway). And in any case we go around tidying every day between us so nothing could build up!

Why doesn't your husband clean their room or change their bedding? If he has an issue with anything, he is perfectly capable to dealing with it himself.

I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out

I think a lot of people on here think including step children means treating them better than you would anyone else.

To me, it means treating them the same as I would anyone else. And I wouldn't be tidying up anyone's mouldy dishes or cleaning anyone's room in a state like that.

I'm quite happy as the one at home to take on most of the housework, cleaning and tidying. But that doesn't mean you can trash the place and then expect me to tidy it.

I'll clean up after general family life but if my husband threw a party in the living room and left shit everywhere I wouldn't be cleaning it.

If you wanted and If you're willing to do something in their room I would give everyone a list of what you expect them to do in order for you to do that.

E.g. you will change the sheets but there must be nothing on the bed.

That way it is clear.

But I wouldn't bother personally. They should know it's not on.

Cf husband, show him where the hoover is.
His kids, his job.

It's not up to you to clean his children's rooms. It's up to him to decide to what extent they're responsible for their own space, and to then do whatever he decides they should have help with.

I've never touched DSS's bedroom. He's 17 now and it's very much a case of pull the door shut and pretend the bomb site behind it doesn't exist. I Hoover and clean upstairs and don't even open his door.

@AlwaysLatte

Do your boys fill it with dirty dishes etc and say "finally" when you come around to clean it? No, they're very good about bringing glasses down (plates not allowed in bedrooms anyway). And in any case we go around tidying every day between us so nothing could build up!

That's the difference then isn't it!