Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

Their dad needs to sort it out. I had a stepmum and was always told to help evrn if I didn't live with them full time. Is he generally crap around the house and expects you to do it all?

OP - I’d expect a 12 year old to be able to change a bed but a 9 year old is probably too short to change a duvet . I had a blow up at my 2 a few weeks ago 11 and 12 - told them they were making their own beds … the younger one really couldn’t though he did try

OP, hopefully, the pests and rodents that come from food products and dirty plates and cups are not tone deaf. With luck, they know to discern trash left by step kids from all of attractive trash and food products .

It is not unreasonable to expect the sah person to maintain the household if the other party works full time out of the home.

There are many, many homeless people who would clean your home from top to bottom on a daily basis if in turn you feed and sheltered them and provided the normal amenities that go with living in and having a home.

This is not a step issue it is more of a parity issue. Maybe that is how your husband perceives the issue. My opinion need not be your opinion, but at this point, your opinion is leaving you annoyed and frustrated with no solution in sight.

A simple solution is to have him pay to have the kids rooms cleaned on a regular basis. This takes the burden from you and allows you to have a completely clean house.

@Tiredoftattler No, this is a you having really sexist attitudes about SAHM issue. She raises their joint child while he is work. She maintains the communal spaces. She does not owe him any more than that because the poor dear goes out to work. They do not need to hire a fucking cleaner so two kids don't have to tidy their own room.

Just so we are clear, you think being a SAHM is the same as feeding and sheltering a homeless person?

A simple solution would be for him to just sort the room himself.
40 hours working week isn't particularly long so I can't imagine why it would prevent this.
Either cleaning and tidying are hard work for everybody or nobody. It cannot be nothing to the OP because she should be grateful she's not homeless and simultaneously far too much for 3 able bodied males (the ones actually responsible for the mess!) to sort.
As OP states, we don't know how or why she and her DSs arrived at the decision for her to be a SAHP or their wiser financial circumstances, so your little statements are a bit meaningless.

OP, in your initial post , you made the point " that you are not a slave. " You raised the issue of cleaning up your house in full as being something that "a slave" would be expected to do. So , the homeless comparison did not seem to fall off of the mark.

I expect everyone in my household to make-up their beds. I would never leave food products and trash lying around anywhere to make a point. I could not tolerate the possibility of insects and rodents in my home.

I do think that a certain amount of gratitude is owed to a partner who works so that you do not have to work. It is not a sexist point of view, because I think that no man or woman should have a child that they are not prepared and capable of supporting on their own. Generally , that means both working outside of the home and maintaining the house. Maintaining the house, can involve hiring a cleaning service when necessary.

SAHP does not equal "everyone's slave". Basic cleaning fine if that is what is agreed between them. Expecting someone else to pick up pants and food off people's beds because they are too lazy is franky demeaning and insulting.

I do think that a certain amount of gratitude is owed to a partner who works so that you do not have to work

But what about the gratitude owed to a partner providing free childcare so you can work?!

I do think that a certain amount of gratitude is owed to a partner who works so that you do not have to work
Why is he not grateful for everything OP does? You like parity so where is it?
And that still begs the question of why this massive 40 hour working week prevents the poor man from doing some "not work" and clearing up his own kids mess? Since it's not work it shouldn't be a problem for him.

No, I don't think I'm a slave for cleaning the house and if you'd actually read and digested what I said you'd see that I went on to say I had no problem with doing the majority of cleaning tidying and housework as the one at home.

When I referred to being a slave I was talking about the children's room and the fact it is an utter pigsty. And yes I think expecting me to clean that and saying things like 'oh FINALLY' when I kindly do is treating me like a slave.

I don't expect anyone to leave somewhere like that for someone else to clean up. It's horrible and disrespectful.

I don't expect our cleaner to deal with what OP is being expected to deal with btw.
We pay her to make our lives easier and more pleasant, not to absolve us of all responsibility for our living space.

You're 100% right OP

And no I don't think staying home to care for our DC, giving up my own career (and a lot else that you don't know as I haven't share here) is the same as feeding and sheltering a homeless person. That's pretty shitty actually.

Shows exactly what you think of SAHMs though.

I do think that a certain amount of gratitude is owed to a partner who works so that you do not have to work. It is not a sexist point of view, because I think that no man or woman should have a child that they are not prepared and capable of supporting on their own. Generally , that means both working outside of the home and maintaining the house. Maintaining the house, can involve hiring a cleaning service when necessary.

Yes, it bloody well is a sexist point of view. Perhaps, being kind, you would equally apply it to SAHDs, in which case it's just judgemental bordering on supportive towards financial abuse.

Also I haven't shared what my husband does or how long he does it for a week so this 40hrs is something you have literally plucked from thin air.

At those ages they can definitely keep a room tidy but for bedding changing I would just ask them strip the beds then I would do the washing and make the beds. Tell your husband he can help them clean the room and every week! My kids were a lot younger and knew how to tidy up after themselves and make their bed in a morning.

I'm a cleaner and my policy sounds similar to yours, agreed early on with the clients, that if a teen/young adults room is a bomb site, I shut the door and leave it. If the floor, bed and en suite are clear, I do my job.

I am the earner and my partner is stay at home. I am reasonable in what I expect. I pitch in on household tasks, do quite a bit of the cooking, I deal with changing beds. My working 40 hrs a week would not prevent me wrangling two children into tidying their room which would take about 30 minutes and is usually called parenting.

OP wouldn't be homeless without her hero husband housing her. He's not her saviour. They have different roles in the family.

Her role is keeping house and looking after the kids. Not playing skivvy to dirty entitled people who disrespect their home environment

That goes for kids (theirs and his, and him) there is complete parity in what she expects from everyone. I don't think it matters that theyre step kids because she's not expecting anything from them that she doesn't expect from everyone else

I do not think that anyone " gives up a career " to take care of their own child/children or family. Every one makes personal choices and establishes their own priorities. It is quite possible to have a career and to have children at the same time.

I have no issues with stay at home parents of any gender. I think if you can both support yourself and stay at home that is both commendable and enviable.

I think that there is a difference in being able to do those things on your own and relying on others to support you in your desire/ decision to do both of those things.

Most things in life come with an opportunity cost. That is not a sacrifice ; that is simply the necessary and predictable outcome of choosing one thing over the other.

You are not sacrificing your career. You are simply choosing something that you prefer to do in lieu of advancing your career. Choosing your preference is not making a sacrifice; it is a way of getting that which you prefer to have. Many working parents rear good children and gave successful careers.

Don't know what the situation is in the US, but here in the UK childcare costs often drive a parent to give up work in order to still pay the bills.
No point in two working if someone's earnings are more than wiped out, as that comes at a cost to everyone's quality of life. I'm lucky enough not to be in that situation but that doesn't mean I get to sneer at those who are.

@Tiredoftattler

I do not think that anyone " gives up a career " to take care of their own child/children or family. Every one makes personal choices and establishes their own priorities. It is quite possible to have a career and to have children at the same time.

I have no issues with stay at home parents of any gender. I think if you can both support yourself and stay at home that is both commendable and enviable.

I think that there is a difference in being able to do those things on your own and relying on others to support you in your desire/ decision to do both of those things.

Most things in life come with an opportunity cost. That is not a sacrifice ; that is simply the necessary and predictable outcome of choosing one thing over the other.

You are not sacrificing your career. You are simply choosing something that you prefer to do in lieu of advancing your career. Choosing your preference is not making a sacrifice; it is a way of getting that which you prefer to have. Many working parents rear good children and gave successful careers.

I can only assume your attitudes come from a cultural difference, with a strong expectation that both parents will be working even when the children are very small, because choosing to have a child often means a joint decision for at least one parent to not work full time while they are young. And that is a parenting decision, not something that means the one staying at home has solely decided they would rather sit on their arse and should make up for it in other ways. Including tidying up excessive filth caused by everyone else in the house.

Tattler I'm not getting into a debate with you about SAHPs or what you believe they should / shouldn't do or what they should / shouldn't be grateful for.

You don't know anything about my situation other than what I have shared here. You do not know what my husband does or what I have had to do in the past to help him get there. I can assure you, I have sacrificed plenty for my husband's business.

Please stop talking about things you know nothing about.

I am not homeless, I live in a home that I own with my husband, a home that I have contributed to (including financially).

I wonder what else you think I owe my husband for sheltering and feeding me. I'm not sure I want to.

@Tiredoftattler

I do not think that anyone " gives up a career " to take care of their own child/children or family. Every one makes personal choices and establishes their own priorities. It is quite possible to have a career and to have children at the same time.

I have no issues with stay at home parents of any gender. I think if you can both support yourself and stay at home that is both commendable and enviable.

I think that there is a difference in being able to do those things on your own and relying on others to support you in your desire/ decision to do both of those things.

Most things in life come with an opportunity cost. That is not a sacrifice ; that is simply the necessary and predictable outcome of choosing one thing over the other.

You are not sacrificing your career. You are simply choosing something that you prefer to do in lieu of advancing your career. Choosing your preference is not making a sacrifice; it is a way of getting that which you prefer to have. Many working parents rear good children and gave successful careers.

You're on the wrong thread hun