Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

I have teenage sons and am a SAHP. We're lucky to have a cleaner who cleans their rooms but I expect them to keep their rooms tidy, make their bed, undo the curtains, put their washing away and keep it tidy (including taking cups etc downstairs). They usually strip their beds and I help them put the new set on.

I treat them exactly as I would if I had daughters on principle. The world has thankfully moved on since housework = women's domain and I hope I'm bringing up my sons to pull their weight in a relationship. I would treat any step children the same way; appreciate their mum may take a different stance but you have the right to implement a different set of rules in your house.

@AlwaysLatte

I still do my boys' rooms 13 and 11. They do sometimes do bits here and there but I just treat it like the rest of the house. Changing bedding is a bit much for them! I would be especially sensitive here though as SC might see it as not being included by leaving their rooms out.

Bloody hell, no wonder there are so many useless manchildren about if changing a bed is beyond a 13 year old and their parents think it's acceptable.....

Just RTFT and agree with you 100% @Cakeathon.

So many good reasons for them to understand the importance of tidying their own space and no good reasons for you to be responsible for doing it for them, especially given the entitled response last time.

If they don’t learn now, it will just get harder. Stick to your guns!

I had to teach my ds how to properly clean and tidy his room, it took a lot of effort. But now he does it himself (he's 14). Sometimes if he's having a hard week I'll do it for him as a treat and he really appreciates it because he knows how much work is involved. It's an important part of growing up and also teaches them to look after their things. And it is exercise.
However, it is up to your partner to provide the discipline and effort to get them to this stage, not you.
Kids can't be expected just to know how to do it. They need it explained in steps, tidy, dust first, top to bottom, etc. When a proper clean is done (with them) every week or so it'll be easier for them to maintain it through the week.
Btw I work in a school and the kids are trained to tidy and clean after themselves from reception. They do it to music. You need to present a united front and it to be non negotiable. I did it as a single parent so just got on with it and in some ways that may have been easier than trying to get someone else on board. Good luck.

My dc tidy their own rooms. 7 and 10. Ds (10) just put clean bedding back on the bed I stripped and washed. How about dh strip and wash the bedding and leave if for dc to put on.

Oh and no one is allowed to take cups and plates out of the kitchen. No children eating in bedroom and living room is my house rule. (She says, sat on her bed eating chocolate!)

I was a stepchild and SM worked fulltime. My Dad set up rotas for washing up, laying tables, clearing away, vacuuming different parts of the house, scrubbing basins, garden tasks etc.

I was allocated a room to vacuum aged 7 and was changing bedsheets by around 10 or 11 - I climbed on the bed and smoothed the sheet as I went. Washing up was done standing on a hopup under the sink.

All my brothers did equal tasks on the rotas, but sadly that didn't translate into being modern men when they married! Perhaps if my Dad had added his own name to the rota that might have happened...

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

Jesus thats cruel! Especially for the 9 year old. My DD is almost 9 and this isn’t expected of her; because she’s a child. Your DH is right and I would be seriously pissed off if I was him.

You're right! Their parent IS cruel. How dare HE not do it.

What is it with step children. ??

I have 4 . I have 3 dc.

My DC clean their rooms.
Do washing from year 7
Empty dishwasher
Cook one evening meal a week from age 14.

My DSC did nothing when they first arrived and I fell in to that habit of 'doing' because I wanted them to like me... until MY kids got the arse and I understood how unfair that was.. (they had a serious case of learned helplessness - do their mothers give them lessons in this kind of complete uselessness?) - anyway I stopped.

I work FT and so does DH... so once I stopped being a mug it fell to DH.. he soon got fed up.

7 years later we have 7 well rounded, kind, considerate adult children. All amazingly competent in domestic drudge... but all understand that they need to do their bit.

If you have asked DH to help, to not allow them to eat/drink in rooms and requested they clean up after themselves I don’t see why you should clean it I think you are right.

They are old enough to put their rubbish and pots etc away and other stuff. They could Hoover and change beds with some help when they know how.

I wouldn’t be doing it either.

@ZenNudist

Oh and no one is allowed to take cups and plates out of the kitchen. No children eating in bedroom and living room is my house rule. (She says, sat on her bed eating chocolate!)

Do you have a kitchen diner?

Did you not realise that they were lazy slobs before you bought a house with DH? No discussion about cleaning the rooms or beds etc? Or did DH expect you to do everything?

do their mothers give them lessons in this kind of complete uselessness?)

Or maybe their fathers play a part too.... you know, like your husband. Maybe he gave them lessons in complete uselessness?

I make my stepsons bed before he arrives, he's 5. But when he is here he makes his bed and before he leaves he strips it he has done this from age 3. He also hoovers and puts his toys away, this is all because my partner cheerfully insists on it and because it's done when everyone else in the house is tidying. Left to his own devices he would probably be sleeping in a pile of crisp packets and plastic dinosaurs...

My (tween) son resents doing his room because "we have a cleaner who does it at dad's house!" and I can completely see why my partner is frustrated with his attitude (I am also frustrated and embarrassed) so I can see this from all angles, as his mum I refuse to even discuss fun plans, treats etc until the damned room is done, because if the 5 year old can manage it then so can he! It's like pulling teeth sometimes but it does get done.

My own personal solution with my children has been pile everything on their bed, then hoover, then tell them as soon as they get home that if they want to go to bed tonight they need to clear the stuff off of it!

@Ohshittt

You are not 'cruel'. Let me start there! As a stepmum I'm in agreement with you about them cleaning their rooms, my lovely 7 year old step child gives theirs a very quick tidy before they leave every week and it's always in a good state. The sheet changing is a job for your husband though! I do run the hoover around and dust there while I'm doing everywhere else though. Why should her husband be 'seriously pissed off'? They are his kids to look after! Honestly this site makes stepmums out to be absolutely awful, everyone needs to remember the children have 2 parents to care for them and they are not the step parents responsibility! According to mumsnet we are expected to walk on egg shells around them, not leave them out of a single activity we do and constantly pander to them. I'll repeat, they have 2 other parents to do these things and it's not down to us as step parents. Before anyone jumps on me I can assure you me and my stepchild have a lovely relationship and get on well.

Yep exactly. DP takes the kids up to their room and oversees tidying and putting clothes away, he changes their bed sheets etc. Does he do anything around the house? SAHP does not = slave

There is nothing wrong with teaching basic life skills to kids. I have an 11 year old SD and she doesn't do a damn thing she can't even make toast and that's not a joke. I suggested to my partner that maybe she should start doing chores to earn pocket money and he exploded calling me a wicked stepmother and all sorts. The problem with some divorced parents is guilt but it doesn't do your kids any favours. My SD has been shown how to clean and change a bed but she won't do it because she knows she can get away with not doing it. I have made it clear I'm not a slave to anyone and i refuse to tidy up after her.

Snorting at the 'cruel' comments. Oh, won't somebody please think of the poor (step)children?!? God forbid any stepchild should have to put a cup in the sink or keep their own bedroom tidy.

This melodrama only ever seems to apply to stepchildren. If you said they were your own children nobody would bat an eyelid. Oh, and all the responsibility and blame and drudgery always falls to the stepmum. Not the dad, not the mum, not even the stepdad. Always the stepmum (you know, the same person that is forbidden from existing, unless it's to pay for stuff or service others in some way. A bit like a house elf).

I look at the state of the world and wonder why some parents want to wrap their children in cotton wool. Surely with climate, economics, viruses etc all becoming unpredictable - you would want to give your child the greatest ability to cope and survive when you are gone?

The best way to help children cope is to teach them how. Start as young as possible and give them small tasks to do looking after themselves and others. Before I was 5 I was looking after younger children, picking beans, shelling peas, sorting washing etc. It may sound like I was a little servant, but it was great for my hand eye coordination and pattern recognition! Getting me to look out for the babies increased my concentration and taught me about responsibility.

Not your problem OP. Your DP needs to get off his lazy arse a parent his kids.

@acolderwar

Snorting at the 'cruel' comments. Oh, won't somebody please think of the poor (step)children?!? God forbid any stepchild should have to put a cup in the sink or keep their own bedroom tidy.

This melodrama only ever seems to apply to stepchildren. If you said they were your own children nobody would bat an eyelid. Oh, and all the responsibility and blame and drudgery always falls to the stepmum. Not the dad, not the mum, not even the stepdad. Always the stepmum (you know, the same person that is forbidden from existing, unless it's to pay for stuff or service others in some way. A bit like a house elf).

Yep, all of this!!!!

We ask my dsd to clean her room and I ask her to strip her bed and I'll wash it and make it back up. She's 12. I was in her room yesterday to find my spare charger for the iPad and it was under her bed and I noticed loads of stashed sweetie wrappers and half drank bottles of juice, so I've left them on her bedside table to put them in the bin when she comes back. DH doesn't see anything wrong with this as he would do the same too.