Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

Jesus thats cruel! Especially for the 9 year old. My DD is almost 9 and this isn’t expected of her; because she’s a child. Your DH is right and I would be seriously pissed off if I was him.

At 9 and 12, that's really mean. The poor kids at the minimum deserve clean bedding. Has anyone ever shown them how to change bedding. Why not change the bedding with them and clean their rooms with them? How can you leave children in dirty bedding?

I've never touched DSS's bedroom. He's 17 now and it's very much a case of pull the door shut and pretend the bomb site behind it doesn't exist. I Hoover and clean upstairs and don't even open his door. I don't touch DSC's, I think they'd be horrified if they thought I'd been going through all their possessions.

How can you leave children in dirty bedding? OP isn't, their dad is

At 9 and 12, that's really mean. The poor kids at the minimum deserve clean bedding. Has anyone ever shown them how to change bedding. Why not change the bedding with them and clean their rooms with them? How can you leave children in dirty bedding?

Well for one thing, depending on how often and long they stay for they probably don't need clean bedding every time.

But also why would she not change the bedding? Because the bed is absolutely covered in unhygeinic crap they haven't tidied up. Did you deliberately ignore that part?

Has anyone ever shown them how to change bedding. Why not change the bedding with them and clean their rooms with them

Read the thread.

How can you leave children in dirty bedding?

Not sure if this counts as a drip feed as I know I didn't actually specifiy, but their Dad does actually have hands.

Why are you not addressing the crap husband/father issue? You’re just going on and on about the kids.

@VoiceFaceArse

Why are you not addressing the crap husband/father issue? You’re just going on and on about the kids.

OP has mentioned dad more than once and is clearly fed up with their dad not doing anything about it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP, and your DH should definitely be supporting you in this.

For comparison, our 13 year old boy has to clear the floor of Lego/general crap once a week so it can be hoovered, and once every couple of weeks we insist his desk be cleared of junk so it can be wiped. Both DH and I ask him to do this.

I give him clean sheets every couple of weeks which he has to change himself.

He needs to be reminded to make his bed and pick dirty clothes off the floor. He doesn't like being nagged to do this but understands that it's necessary.

You could perhaps start with a minimum like this, encouragingly at first then start limiting ipad/phone/tv access if basic standards aren't met? He once saw a documentary on the mites living in carpets/beds etc and was horrified! I think this helped.

I am aware that DH is shit in this aspect. He's not good at sticking to rules. He agrees it needs to change, enforces it for a week and then it slides again. Personally I don't think he's as arsed as me about tidy rooms (apart from the cups and plates), not necessarily because he's a shit Dad but because we have different standards and he thinks them giving it a quick scoot over and shoving everything in the corner is good enough.

I can't stand that they aren't encouraged to do chores around the house but I don't think it's parenting crime of the century. I've told him I don't agree with it and therefore won't be doing anything about their room now unless he wants to either clean it himself or get them to. That's up to him.

He's not a terrible father. He's not good at certain things but all round he loves his kids and is good with them.

I think he gets sensitive about things like this because thinks it's an othering of his DC and it sends him a bit weird sometimes.

OP has mentioned dad more than once and is clearly fed up with their dad not doing anything about it.

But still putting up with it and continuing to moan about kids who are being set a bad example. The real issue is the husband, get rid if he’s not stepping up as it’ll just get worse.

It depends what you’re willing to put up with I suppose. I think you deserve better as do the kids.

The 12 year old is definitely old enough to be changing their own bedding. I can see why it might be a bit much for the 9 year old to do it alone especially if they’re quite small for their age or they’ve got bunk beds. I don’t think you should have to do it if their room is that grim though!

Could a compromise be for your or your husband to say as soon as they arrive “Right X and Y, your beds need changing and Cakeathon isn’t going to do it while your room is in that state. Can you each grab a set of clean bedding and we’ll go and do it now.” Then one of you go upstairs with them and supervise. They are doing it (not you!) but it does actually get gone and someone can help the younger one if he gets stuck?

If he gets hung up about you 'othering' the DSC, maybe make it clear to him that hell will freeze over before your own DC is allowed to treat you this way when they're a similar age to the DSC.

If someone worked everyday to support me while I stayed at home (for whatever reason) , I would certainly clean the house from top to bottom out of a sense of gratitude and reciprocity.
It is certainly far less demanding to maintain a clean house than it is to work 40 hours a week to support another able bodied adult.

The kids should be reminded each evening before bed to bring down any plates, cups, and cans that have made it up to their rooms.

I would as though I were not carrying my weight and responsibility as an adult if I allowed my husband to work and support me and yet in return I would only maintain a portion of the house that we shared.

Tbh, it hardly makes you a slave to keep your own home clean. The kids can and should be expected to do certain basic things, but I would not risk insects, pests, etc. in my own home to teach anyone a lesson. These kids are young and your lesson is going completely over their heads. If you do not wish to clean the children's rooms, you she have your husband pay for a cleaning service to come weekly just to clean up their rooms. He should not object to this as it is a small price to pay for releasing you from bondage and servitude.

I am sorry for somewhat flippant response, but to me accepting full financial support from another adult would create such an enormous need to reciprocate in kind, that maintaining a clean house would seem like a minimal contribution.

I think he gets sensitive about things like this because thinks it's an othering of his DC and it sends him a bit weird sometimes. My DH gets a bit like that but it's ok for them to be looked after by their own parents. My own DSC would find it really odd if I treated them exactly the same as my own DC. Acknowledging the differences in responsibility you have for them is better than trying to pretend they don't exist.

It is certainly far less demanding to maintain a clean house than it is to work 40 hours a week to support another able bodied adult. he would presumably be working if OP wasn't around anyway. And OP is looking after his child with her.

My 9 year old has dyspraxia and other SEN and can take his sheets off, choose new ones, bring all his washing down, and with bribes and guidance (put all your books on the shelf and you can have game time) will do some tidying.
I don't feel too bad now!

I was all ready to be outraged by some horrible punishment you'd thought up because the step children hadn't cleaned their rooms. But to just leave them dirty? My kids wouldn't even notice 🤷‍♀️ If your husband feels so strongly, then he can help them.

I agree OP. You wouldn't clean up after anyone else's lazy dirty mess so why should you do it for the kids when they have no respect for the house
I would tell husband he needs to deal with it on repeat. No further discussion

If you do not wish to clean the children's rooms, you she have your husband pay for a cleaning service to come weekly just to clean up their rooms or clean it himself. If DH didn't have OP there he would have to work and clean it himself.

I would not tidy, but I would wash bedding with everyone else's.

@Rioja81

I would not tidy, but I would wash bedding with everyone else's.

There's no way all that bedding would fit in one go in my machine

@Tiredoftattler

If someone worked everyday to support me while I stayed at home (for whatever reason) , I would certainly clean the house from top to bottom out of a sense of gratitude and reciprocity. It is certainly far less demanding to maintain a clean house than it is to work 40 hours a week to support another able bodied adult.

The kids should be reminded each evening before bed to bring down any plates, cups, and cans that have made it up to their rooms.

I would as though I were not carrying my weight and responsibility as an adult if I allowed my husband to work and support me and yet in return I would only maintain a portion of the house that we shared.

Tbh, it hardly makes you a slave to keep your own home clean. The kids can and should be expected to do certain basic things, but I would not risk insects, pests, etc. in my own home to teach anyone a lesson. These kids are young and your lesson is going completely over their heads. If you do not wish to clean the children's rooms, you she have your husband pay for a cleaning service to come weekly just to clean up their rooms. He should not object to this as it is a small price to pay for releasing you from bondage and servitude.

I am sorry for somewhat flippant response, but to me accepting full financial support from another adult would create such an enormous need to reciprocate in kind, that maintaining a clean house would seem like a minimal contribution.

I was waiting for you to come along you are ridiculous on every single thread you comment on about SPing.

I do clean and tidy the house. I don't expect people to disrespectfully trash it, leave rubbish and mouldy plates everywhere and still expect me to.

Tell me, if you were a SAHM, would you be okay if your husband left rubbish and crap all over the place and thought it was okay because you were home anyway and should do it out of gratitude?

I'm all for doing the lion's share of housework and I do, by q long stretch. But I don't expect to be picking up people's dirty underwear off their beds, clearing up rubbish off the floor and picking at mouldy dishes. It's basic respect.

Oh goody, Tattler is here with more tone deaf gems for us all 🙄

Also you've no idea our set up or who gave up what. Don't tell me what I need to be grateful for, you don't have a clue what our situation is on the work front.