Didn't clean their room. Mean?

[Cakeathon]

I'm a SAHM at the moment to joint DC with DH.

I did a clean of the house, changed sheets ect... the other day and left DSCs room. I haven't tidied their room in ages either. Frankly because it's disgusting and they have been asked multiple times to tidy it and it never gets done or ends up the same way in 2.5 seconds. They don't do anything in the house and I'm sick of it.

DH thinks I'm "mean" to tidy/clean the whole house except their room and change everyone's sheets except theirs. I've told him they are old enough to start helping with this themselves and that I'm not a slave who needs to clean disgusting rooms covered in rubbish.

For context, our DC is very small and not old enough to trash their room or clean it properly themselves.

DSC are 9 & 12.

I am aware this is an older child/teen "thing" but I refuse to deal with it when they are old enough to do so or at least help themselves. DH never makes them so I'm washing my hands of it.

OP I hear you. You have a DH problem. If you step in you're cruel. If you do the job you give the message that the children don't have to do anything.

He needs to step up and parent, or do the cleaning/tidying himself.

I say this as a mum and former step mum. Both my DCs and DSCs were asked to strip their beds ready for washing from an early age - even a 7 year old can strip a bed, although probably not remake it.

Good luck OP. It's really not easy juggling all of this, especially when their Mum and Dad won't/don't have any expectations of their kids. I feel very strongly that this does the kids no good at all.

As for "FINALLY" from one of them - that shows their expectation of you as a sivvy and would kd have really riled me.

The extent to which a 9 and 12 YO should or shouldn't be able to take care of their own room is a red herring here.

The problem is your DH. It is utterly unreasonable of him to both enable their behaviour while simultaneously expecting you to deal with the consequences. He can either take responsibility for teaching them to clean their own room, clean their room himself, or live with the fact their room does not get cleaned. He's treating you like a bloody housekeeper.

I would be switching off the WiFi and halting all fun trips until they get the room cleaned. My 4 year old tidies his own room before I go in to clean it as does my 9 year old but he also strips his bed and hoovers.

No way would I be letting a 9 year old and 12 year old have a dirty room in my house the 12 year old should be doing the cleaning as well as tidying. It's no wonder children are labled as spoiled entitled brats if people think they can't even tidy their own mess.

You’re a SAHM to your children.

That doesn’t mean you’re also the stepchildren’s maid. There’s no excuse for leaving cups and food in the room or leaving crap everywhere, even at 9. The bedsheets they are capable of stripping and putting in the laundry basket. Easy peasy.

Your DH is lazy. That’s the problem.

I am astounded at how little faith some of you have in your kids abilities.
I have a 10 and 12 year old. Of course they can strip and remake a bed. They can also wash up, peg out washing (if someone locks the line in place), make breakfast, fill and empty the dishwasher, operate the Hoover......

OP. The only slight niggle I have is treating the kids differently. So you do it all for your (younger) child, but not the step kids. If he is mobile, I'd get the youngest to help - mine used to take the pillowcase to the washing basket for example. Yes, it didnt actually help me, but it made the impression that assisting with household chores was a normal thing to do. As they have got bigger, they do more. Can you do a whole house effort next time they visit, and then go out as a family to do something nice afterwards?

Not SC but my DC are told I am happy to change their beds, Hoover, etc whilst I am cleaning through on the condition that the room is tidy, floor is clear, bed stripped. I wouldn't be cleaning up dirty dishes, clothes or rubbish first for anyone able to do it themselves.

I have 2 SC (12 & 15) they can’t (be bothered) and don’t do anything for themselves. They don’t do anything at their mums so at least it’s consistent - she treats them like babies. I shit you not….. they can’t even use the toaster, don’t know how to use a microwave, have never used the oven (at 15 I was cooking at least a dinner a week for the family), they can’t strip their beds (I don’t know how many times I have shown them) and have never washed a dish. This is so different to how I was brought up where we knew my mum wasn’t our slave and we all helped out

It's exactly the same here. I know mine are younger but I honestly believe this is how they will be at those ages. They can't make cereal, can't wash a cup, hell they can't even bring one downstairs nevermind wash it out, never ran a Hoover round or used the toaster.

No way I'd have gotten away with that when I was growing up. I'd have been shown yes but I'd then have been expected to do it when asked.

I remember having to dust and wash the pots at their ages plenty of times. And not just my own room or own dishes either.

Yes I forgot to add that your DH should be enforcing the tidying up of their room.

When he’s off work he should be helping with the whole house to be honest. But his children’s room is his own job to manage with their input.

Are you a bit concerned you have a partner who’s a terrible dad? You are absolutely right in not doing this given zero support from Dh but I would be worried we will have further fundamental conflicts re our own dc as well as the step dc given he’s a bit of a shit dad.

I'm with you as a step parent to a 9 year old, she is told every weekend to make sure her room is at minimum Tidy so I can clean it...if it isn't Tidy it doesn't get cleaned. My 5 year old helps with the cleaning of his own room on on weekend so I expect a 9 year old to atleast make their room Tidy enough so I can swap sheets and vac and wipe round 🙂 you're not mean at all x

My mum or the cleaner used to clean my room but I had to keep it tidy, make the bed and I wouldn't have dared leave food around!!!

They need to tidy up their room!!!

Can I just ask what redeeming qualities your dh has? He clearly is not a great father if he is unable to support/ reach his dc basic life skills. This is on him and you to a certain point as this is all it your home. I’m afraid I couldn’t stay with a man who couldn’t be stayed to parent.

Not stayed “arsed”

*It kind of is actually.

I appreciate that there’s a DH problem here.

But these kids clearly need some serious discipline and if only one parent (the DH or the step mum) do it, then there’s a fail.

So I would suggest that the DH and step mum both need to present a united front and sort it. Not just throw the towel in.*

A step parent is not a parent. You need to let go of that false conception for a start. This is purely her DHs responsibility, it doesn't take two people to tell them to clean their room, just one parent.

My DC were changing their own bedsheets and pillows since they were very little about 7ish. I’d help they’d also do it with me. Then they’d clean their toys/books away themselves and hoover themselves.

Your H needs to clean his DC’s room/teach them to tidy their rooms/help his DC clean their room.

You’re not their skivvy. What reason does your H have for not parenting his own DC and helping them tidy their room? Surely it’s a basic of parenting teaching his own DC how to be self sufficient and not live in their own filth.

You have a dh problem yes.

I would cut the lip back short though simply tell them firmly that you will not be spoken to like that and they can reign in the attitude. prior to them leaving to return to their mother they do a sweep of their room for food glasses and such. Be firm on this and insist your dh backs this up. If they create it takes longer to get back. After a while this will be the norm for them and they will simply do.

As for the bedding. Next time they are here say
We have changed the beds come and lets do yours. Make them help. Use plural we not I to instill a sense of togetherness

You should change their bedding. Hoover. That's normal.

You should not go round as a glass collector when they've been asked to bring dirty dishes down and have answered back and not done it. Same goes for tidying. You do the laundry. You do not pick up all the dirty clothes that they have been too lazy to put in the wash basket, if they've been asked.

Even my 1.5yr twins understand "tidy up" and will attempt to load their toys back in the toy box.

And your husband needs to step up anyway, unless you’re happy to do all the work with the kids you have together.

My 7&9 SC tidy their room and half make their beds as well as they can when they leave so I can go in and clean it (Hoover/dust ect) that's literally all I ask, if I go in and it's still a mess it doesn't get cleaned until they sort it.

If it's tidy when I'm cleaning the whole house, I'll do it - partly because I like to look at a tidy clean bedroom when they're not here 😊

I think compromise helps and the fact that I have full backing of DH, if they've been asked to tidy he will make sure it's tidy and might even give them a hand if it's a lot.

Your husband needs to go in there with bin bags and stand there until they fill them with the rubbish sitting in their room. He needs to support the tidying. Sometimes it's the only way.

I've had to do this for my middle child on occasion as I think they just get overwhelmed and dont know where to begin.

That said , I'd never expect my husband to do this as he's not my middle child's father. He was a sahp for a while , and I still had no expectation of him cleaning up her mess!

Don't do it op. Insist that your husband supports it next time they are staying.

I can recommend that all the DC get involved in clean laundry sorting. It started very young in our house and carried out mainly because with 4 DDs very close in size we needed their input.

We often had to direct so that it happened but they then take it upstairs and put it away. If it's not in the dirty basket it doesn't get washed.

As for the bedding. Next time they are here say
We have changed the beds come and lets do yours. Make them help. Use plural we not I to instill a sense of togetherness

Seems overkill, when their dad can and should just do it with them/tell them to do it. No need for togetherness, OP doesn't need to lift another finger, she's been disrespected and taken for granted by the lot of them. It's not her job at all*

They sound like grotty little spoilt kids tbh
Why are they taking food into rooms if they don’t bring dishes down? That is revolting
I have a no food in rooms rule - my 11 year old will take a snack and drink up but always cleans up and brings down his rubbish but there are no plates no dinners eaten up there. Rules and consequences are what you need. Pocket money? If they tidy and keep their rooms clean as if they are this grubby so young it’s only going to get worse as they become teenagers.

Of course they can change a bed my sons change their beds and remake them when I hand in clean bedding. Youngest needs help due to his bed shape which is fine but they need to try. Kids get nowhere in life if you do everything for them, what happens when they leave him and you’ve not even shown them to make bloody toast, madness. Both my teenagers can cook safely for themselves one is moving out soon and the other is 16 and cooks ‘healthy’ food for himself and tidied up - not well I admit but at least he tries it’s a work in progress. You DH is a cheeky git too, so you clean the whole house - he moaned for one room how many did he do? Why can’t he clean it, I totally would not put up with that. It’s not your job, you’re not the maid ffs. Annoys me that. Some kids are going to get a shock when they move into the real world and mummy isn’t there to do everything for them nor is their girlfriend or boyfriend.

I would forbid food in the bedrooms, tbh. I don't see why children that age should be eating there.