Resources for DC with DSC?

[MouldyPotato]

Hi,

I'm not sure i have phrased my title correctly!
My husband and I have DC who is little and he has DC from a previous relationship.

I've read lots of stuff about how to help the DSC with their sibling and adapt to being in a stepfamily. But I'm struggling to find anything that explains how best to help DC. They are only small but as they are getting older I want to know how to explain it best and how to prevent them feeling like as soon as DSC come to stay they are some how less important. Any helpful hints or links?

I haven't phrased that right it should be DC with DSS I think.

I want to know how to explain it best and how to prevent them feeling like as soon as DSC come to stay they are some how less important

What do you need to explain to them? As for preventing them feeling like they are less important- that comes from how you and their father behave. They’ll only feel less important if you are doing something that sends that message. Most likely it will be your DH who is doing that so he needs to be aware of it. Is he doing that? Have you pointed it out to him?

I suppose I don't need to explain it really, they'll ask if they have questions.

I have tried to talk to DH, as soon as DSC are here they are his main focus. Which I guess is partly becuase he doesn't see them as often and partly as I refuse to do the cooking and cleaning for them.

I think he might be overcompensating and wanting them to not feel pushed out now DC is here. But it feels wrong to me that everytime they are here DC is sidelined and its basically me looking after them while he looks after DSC. Maybe I should offer to do more to help.

Why did you refuse to do cooking and cleaning while they are there?

I’m not saying you were in the wrong but just wondered what happened to create that situation?

I refused to do it because I felt his children were visiting him and he was doing the parenting and I didn't want lines to get blurred or have him or the children think I was a replacement parent while they were here. That and I do a lot of the housework in the week due to work patterns and so I didn't think it fair that I should also do extra housework because his children were here. This was a few years ago now though so maybe we need to look at that again.

Oh and it wasn't like he had ever expected of me, we just discussed it before we moved in together. I said I didn't want to take on more chores due to his children and he agreed that he should be doing their washing and cooking when they are here. I do occasionally make a meal if I'm batch cooking anyway so "refuse" possibly sounds like there's been a disagreement about it but there hasn't.

So it’s a pattern that was set a few years back and presumably has worked well?

Can he care for all of the children so your joint DC doesn’t get left out?

Yes it's worked well but now we have DC so maybe I need to free up some of his time so he can spend time with all of them. I think because sdc are older it's a bit tricky as we dont want DC to sit around watching teen American dramas and staring st tablets.

I’d worry more about the DSC than the new DC. New DC has both parents together who both do things for them. The DSC don’t and if I went to stay somewhere as a child where an adult refused to do anything I’d feel very unwanted.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss it's for their parents to worry about them. Things I've read have suggested not doing too much for them is actually good as it will stop any resentment. It also allows their actual parents to do the parenting while I take more of an aunt role. I help them with their homework and we get on well so it's not like we don't get on well. I am concerned about potential impacts on my DC the SDC's parents can worry about them.

And they don't know I've refused to cook or do their washing as I don't go around saying no I'm not doing it. Their dad just does it. I don't see what's wrong with that.

I’d worry more about the DSC than the new DC. New DC has both parents together who both do things for them.

Same old bollocks. Different day.

Second children have feelings too you know. They shouldn’t have to put up with shit just because their parents are still together.

As a mum I would always have my own children’s feelings and interests more at heart. The DSC have their own mum to advocate for them if needs me. Why should the OP’s children have literally nobody, which is what you’re suggesting?

I would worry about them too. You don't have to pick up more chores for him, he needs to manage his time better. So if that means not watching teen dramas with his eldest all day, then so be it. He needs to make time for all his kids.

To me it makes sense he would have to do more than me when they are here so get less downtime. He has 100% of the looking after 2 of his children and 50% of the looking after 1 of his children to be responsible for. He can ask me to help out (and I do eg. Homework) but he needs to be spending time with DC. Otherwise I worry about the effect on DC of being dropped every weekend.

*every weekend they are here. And the holidays.

They’re young so you don’t need to explain it at all if they don’t ask. If they do, don’t make a big deal about it beyond ‘daddy doesn’t see them everyday so their visits here are special, like when you visit Gp’.

'daddy doesn’t see them everyday so their visits here are special, like when you visit Gp’.

But to me them being here isn't a visit and it isn't special. It's their other home and they should just be treated as one of his 3 kids. But maybe I'm wrong and they should be treated differently as he doesn't see them as much.

'daddy doesn’t see them everyday so their visits here are special, like when you visit Gp’.

Nah I wouldn’t say this. DC visiting their grandparents isn’t the same as DSC merely coming to their other home. There is no need for him to give the red carpet treatment and make a big fuss about a non-visitor.

daddy doesn’t see them everyday so their visits here are special, like when you visit Gp’.

What? Their visits aren’t special. They’re coming to be with their dad. Not a grandparent who will spoil them.

You’re not wrong OP.

@MouldyPotato

'daddy doesn’t see them everyday so their visits here are special, like when you visit Gp’.

But to me them being here isn't a visit and it isn't special. It's their other home and they should just be treated as one of his 3 kids. But maybe I'm wrong and they should be treated differently as he doesn't see them as much.

But it’s not really is it, unless it’s a 50/50 arrangement? I’m sure the second DC have had loads of experiences the first set of kids never had. All nrp have to make up for the fact that they don’t parent their first set of kids day to day. So it’s almost expected that he may want to focus on them on contact days while he focusses on your shared dc the rest of the time.

I would think it is more of the age difference being a problem rather than favouritism - perhaps ask DH to come up with one thing at the weekend DC can join in with for an hour or so.

But it’s not really is it, unless it’s a 50/50 arrangement? I’m sure the second DC have had loads of experiences the first set of kids never had. All nrp have to make up for the fact that they don’t parent their first set of kids day to day. So it’s almost expected that he may want to focus on them on contact days while he focusses on your shared dc the rest of the time.

That’s not the way it works. He doesn’t stop being the youngest child’s father when the older children arrive.
My ex had his faults but I’ll give him this one, he never treated our shared DC like they didn’t exist when his older child was here. He just treated them all the same when they were here.

If I was an NRP with a younger child, hell would freeze over before I do what you’ve suggested. Just awful.