Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Resources for DC with DSC?

123 replies

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 10:18

Hi,

I'm not sure i have phrased my title correctly!
My husband and I have DC who is little and he has DC from a previous relationship.

I've read lots of stuff about how to help the DSC with their sibling and adapt to being in a stepfamily. But I'm struggling to find anything that explains how best to help DC. They are only small but as they are getting older I want to know how to explain it best and how to prevent them feeling like as soon as DSC come to stay they are some how less important. Any helpful hints or links?

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 15:48

Ok that was an exaggeration it's not the whole time he does spend time in the kitchen doing the cooking. But yes it is most the day apart from that.

OP posts:

bogoffmda · 11/07/2021 15:50

Sofa - seriously, I agree with another poster and you think I am being unreasonable.

Likewise I disagree with the comment it is like going to GParents. SDCS come to their home and life goes on with them here and we do do some fun things aswell, them on their own, joint etc etc. Think that is one of the worst ways to treat the SDCs - this is not weekend aprty time it is everyday life.

"To me it makes sense he would have to do more than me when they are here so get less downtime. He has 100% of the looking after 2 of his children and 50% of the looking after 1 of his children to be responsible for. He can ask me to help out (and I do eg. Homework) but he needs to be spending time with DC. Otherwise I worry about the effect on DC of being dropped every weekend."

OP has her family - her DC and DP and the SDCs are not part of that and yes he does need to do things with his youngest DC - but this is being portrayed as if the minute the SDCS enter the house he does not speak, look at o play with his youngest DC - which I seriously doubt.

OPs child is 2ish , DSCs are teens so maybe 5 more years and probably less of them coming over all the time. OP does not need to be so obsessed that on 4 days of the month - her DC is not the centre of attention - the child needs to learn that Dad has other children and they are equal aswell.

Some of the suggestions on here are bordering on ridiculous - the DF should now do bed time with his NRP teenage children. Seriously, I have 3 teen DSC - who take themselves to bed whenever, if you are lucky you might get a grunt ! Even the stroppiest teen ( middle DSC-def in that category) would not want Daddy putting her to bed at the age of 15!

OP is obsessed with equality in an unequal world - in her world, DF must play with DC 50% of the time her SDCs are here because anything less is wrong.

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:27

in her world, DF must play with DC 50% of the time her SDCs are here because anything less is wrong.

No in my world I'm struggling to balance being an equal parent roughly 50% of the parenting with someone who has other children he likes to spend about 85-90% of his time with when they are here (waking time when all children are not in bed) the other 10-15% cooking meals or on his own on some project or other/relaxing on his own.

I am not saying it is wrong. I am trying to get my head around it all to make sure it is fair for everyone.

Just to be clear I don't have a spreadsheet. I don't keep count of the minutes etc. I am just aware that when DSC are here my LO is spending a lot more time with just me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:29

And I'm not obsessed. I just started a thread for help and advice as I've found loads for helping the DSC and was looking for help from DC's perspective.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 16:32

@bogoffmda Yes I disagree with you, because throughout all of that comment and this last one you keep banging on about OP being "obsessed with equality". She is not obsessed with equality if he basically leaves the care of their joint child to her when the older kids are there, she's rightfully disgruntled and concerned. She's certainly no more "obsessed with equality" than the people who make repeated references to how he sees them 100% of the time and the SC less. And yet somehow that is perfectly valid. It's all very one sided.

TotorosCatBus · 11/07/2021 16:36

[quote MouldyPotato]@aSofaNearYou thank you. I am feeling very confused as to why people are reacting so strongly to me wanting to look out for my DC to be honest. Not at the detriment to DSC.[/quote]
You seem to be looking for a problem before there is a problem.

Kids are used to different routines eg weekdays/weekends or home/nursery. Dad not doing bedtime once or twice a fortnight shouldn't be a problem for most kids if explained to them that it's just a different routine for the day because sc are here but if they generally watch tv I understand that he could easily leave the kids on their own for a bit.

It might be strange for your child to be told not to go into the lounge because dad and the sc are watching a scary programme but that's not a problem with having half siblings, the problem would be the same if he had a full sibling with the same age difference.

You've only mentioned the tv issue but maybe there's other ways that he's not including the youngest where he could. For example if they were going to nip to them supermarket for snacks to eat while watching the footie then I'd expect him to take all of the kids. It's hard to tell if there is a problem based on the information given.

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:44

You seem to be looking for a problem before there is a problem.

I can see it becoming a problem but you're right I should maybe wait for things to become problematic rather than always try and prevent them. I did a lot of reading and got a lot of advice at each stage of my relationship with the DSC and this has perhaps influenced me into thinking I should do the same with DC but they don't know any different.

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:45

They literally just watch TV/YouTube and do their homework which I sometimes help with.

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:45

Oh and tablet time/occasional reading

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:46

Ok ok not literally don't have a go. They sleep, eat and use the bathroom etc too.

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 16:53

For example if they were going to nip to them supermarket for snacks to eat while watching the footie then I'd expect him to take all of the kids

That's a good idea. They aren't allowed in shops by their mum (coz covid) so I tend to take DC with me and go if we need anything. Maybe instead I shall start leaving DC and they can watch Peppa Pig for 20 mins.

OP posts:

bogoffmda · 11/07/2021 17:18

Sorry anyone who has worked out 85-90% of the time - what is he doing when the DCS are on their tablets etc, 15 % cooking etc and then wants the poor guy to do 50% of the parenting of the other one at the same time - is obsessed with the minutiae and equality. We will be counting hours very soon!

24x14 =336
SDCs =24/336 is 7% of his total time. in a 2 week period.

If, when the SDCs are there sitting on the sofa/rooms on their tablets and he will not interact with your DC there is a problem but OP has not said that, nor that the SDCs do not interact with DC.

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 17:42

Sorry anyone who has worked out 85-90% of the time - what is he doing when the DCS are on their tablets etc, 15 % cooking etc and then wants the poor guy to do 50% of the parenting of the other one at the same time that is the bit I'm trying to get my head around maybe I haven't made that clear? He can't do 50% of looking after DC when DSC are here but I just want to make sure he does at least 10% say.

Again the % are rough to give you an idea of a typical weekend. We eat dinner together that's about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 17:44

He's not a poor bloke he loves cooking for all his children on "his weekend" and likes to sit around with his DSC watching YouTube etc. He gets involved with their tablet games and has a nice time with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 17:45

*poor guy sorry

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 17:46

when the SDCs are there sitting on the sofa/rooms on their tablets and he will not interact with your DC he talks to them about what is on their tablets. Checks they are using Internet safely etc. Has 1 to 1 time and 1 to 2 time. When he isn't doing this he is sat reading the paper and generally just being with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 17:53

24x14 =336
SDCs =24/336 is 7% of his total time. in a 2 week period.

He sees them every other week for an evening too and regularly skypes/messages them. He has them for over half of each holiday. And he had to fight so hard for this time so I don't think it's fair for anyone to complain he doesn't see them enough. He drives many many miles to do pick up and drop offs as mum won't help out even though she moved.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 17:56

he talks to them about what is on their tablets. Checks they are using Internet safely etc. Has 1 to 1 time and 1 to 2 time. When he isn't doing this he is sat reading the paper and generally just being with them.

Well for comparison my DP would never do this while I just watched DD all day. He would set DSS up and maybe sit with him for half an hour while he played his game, but then he would leave him to it. It's generally a one person activity, he doesn't need to be watched the whole time.

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 18:11

He is perhaps a little too cautious. He doesn't sit there watching everything they do but he tries to be around. There were some issues with bullying and inappropriate Instagrams at one point but they are getting older now so he probably needs to trust them more.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 18:12

@MouldyPotato

I do personally think that is an important part of growing up, regardless of the sibling dynamic.

DuchessDarty · 11/07/2021 18:22

I think it’s good he sits and watches TV with his kids and chats to them while they’re on their tablets, it’s good bonding time.

It does sound as if you don’t do anything the 5 of you together, which is a shame if that’s the case. That should naturally change when your DC gets older. You can all play toddler board games and Duppo/Lego.

Original poster

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 18:34

I could try getting them involved with duplo etc but I'm not sure they'll be interested. Worth a try though. They aren't allowed as much screen time at mums and they don't have netflix so they like to catch up. We eat together. I guess it's just the age difference.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 11/07/2021 23:21

I've spoke to DH and asked if he can do one thing at the weekend with the 3 of them, he will try but its hard to drag them out for a walk.

The age gap makes it challenging really to find something of interest thst includes your toddler.

Even walking...they'd havevto walk slowly or your DH will just end up carrying him. If not its no fun fir the toddler, who is likely to become miserable and that ruins it for the DSC..it's no fun. Then next time DH says....no joint activities.

If they were full siblings all raised together, they're more likely to be tolerant of a little one....but even then large age gaps are challenging, if you're trying to do a joint activity.

There's activities like bike riding, swimming, 10 pin boiling...but your little one will need support with these activities.

Perhaps if one activity is done with just the DSC...then perhaps the following day an activity with all 3 kids can be done.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5