Resources for DC with DSC?

[MouldyPotato]

Hi,

I'm not sure i have phrased my title correctly!
My husband and I have DC who is little and he has DC from a previous relationship.

I've read lots of stuff about how to help the DSC with their sibling and adapt to being in a stepfamily. But I'm struggling to find anything that explains how best to help DC. They are only small but as they are getting older I want to know how to explain it best and how to prevent them feeling like as soon as DSC come to stay they are some how less important. Any helpful hints or links?

Youseethethingis I think your DH has absolutely got the right approach there when it comes to making time for both of his children.

There’s just no need for this “dedicating the whole weekend to NR children” stuff. I wouldn’t do that in a billion years if I had younger children with a new partner.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d worry more about the DSC than the new DC. New DC has both parents together who both do things for them. The DSC don’t and if I went to stay somewhere as a child where an adult refused to do anything I’d feel very unwanted.

Bore off, what a ridiculous thing to say

I am with needapoodle - I cook for everyone, DP cooks for everyone, the washing goes in as one and comes out as one.

Sorry OP I think you are obsessed with equality in a situation that is never going to be equal. Your comment re not caring if the DSCs are upset is appalling. If they are upset in your home because you are going to create a situation where your DC must be included in everything their joint DF does with his children regardless, then you are being cruel. These DCS do need time with their Dad on their own - just like your DC gets time with their Dad on their own, they need time with their new sibling together aswell.

You do not come across well in this thread. To be honest it sounds like you DP has a handle on it but you want your DC to be included in everythng all the time

Sorry this is so long but I feel my posts are perhaps not clear enough. I am in no way saying my DH should not be spending time with his children.

I cook for everyone, DP cooks for everyone

That's how it works here, it's just DH does it when DSC are here and I do it most the time when they aren't. Unless I'm batch cooking. Trust me they wouldn't want me to do the cooking over him. He is the better cook.

the washing goes in as one and comes out as one.

That's nice for you. We find it works best keeping it separate for each person or mixing in some of LOS with someone else's as otherwise it takes ages to sort and DSC end up not taking the right things home and then DH gets it in the neck from mum. We don't have a massive machine or a tumble dryer so we have to be organised.

re not caring if the DSCs are upset is appalling. I haven't said that. I've said they have two parents to concern themselves with their happiness. If that includes asking me to do/not do something that is their responsibility. I am not mean to them. I do not stand there saying NO I WILL NOT COOK FOR YOU.

I have not said DSC do not need time with DH on their own. I actively encourage this. I have simply asked if I need to be concerned about DC feeling left out or any advice from DCs point of view as I have spent a lot of time trying to make sure DSC don't feel pushed out and have now realised it could be possible for it to go the other way.

@bogoffmda

I am with needapoodle - I cook for everyone, DP cooks for everyone, the washing goes in as one and comes out as one.

Sorry OP I think you are obsessed with equality in a situation that is never going to be equal. Your comment re not caring if the DSCs are upset is appalling. If they are upset in your home because you are going to create a situation where your DC must be included in everything their joint DF does with his children regardless, then you are being cruel. These DCS do need time with their Dad on their own - just like your DC gets time with their Dad on their own, they need time with their new sibling together aswell.

You do not come across well in this thread. To be honest it sounds like you DP has a handle on it but you want your DC to be included in everythng all the time

Your bias is so incredibly clear within all of this comment 🙄

Wanting the DC to not be sidelined the whole times is apparently being "obsessed with equality".The poor dears having to put up with another child being included. What an "appalling" suggestion.

you want your DC to be included in everythng all the time

And I absolutely do not want my DC included in everything all the time as I do not want my DC watching teen American dramas or YouTube videos as they are a small toddler.

I really don't know why people are obsessed with the cooking arrangements

@MouldyPotato

you want your DC to be included in everythng all the time

And I absolutely do not want my DC included in everything all the time as I do not want my DC watching teen American dramas or YouTube videos as they are a small toddler.

How about if the teen dramas were British or Australian instead of American?

I don’t know why you keep mentioning them watching these programmes so much in response to your DC being included, as it’s surely obvious that when posters ask about your child being included they’ll mean in age appropriate activities.

@aSofaNearYou thank you. I am feeling very confused as to why people are reacting so strongly to me wanting to look out for my DC to be honest. Not at the detriment to DSC.

@DuchessDarty they don't watch British or Australian teen dramas. But again no, teen dramas not acceptable in general for toddler

I don’t know why you keep mentioning them watching these programmes so much in response to your DC being included, as it’s surely obvious that when posters ask about your child being included they’ll mean in age appropriate activities.

Because that is what they do. And the poster said I wanted my child included in everything. Instead I was concerned of the impact it will have if everytime DSC are here the bedtime routine alters as DSC are watching teen dramas/ 12 rated films with dad so he isn't doing the bit he usually does.

I've spoke to DH and asked if he can do one thing at the weekend with the 3 of them, he will try but its hard to drag them out for a walk.

I also want DSC to be happy so if they want to watch netflix and have a mooch at the weekends I am perfectly happy for them to do this if that's what their parents want. I'm just asking for advice on getting the balance right. I'm not sure why this is making people so annoyed with me.

[quote MouldyPotato]@aSofaNearYou thank you. I am feeling very confused as to why people are reacting so strongly to me wanting to look out for my DC to be honest. Not at the detriment to DSC.[/quote]
It's just what certain posters always do on here, I'd take no notice of that part.

I've spoke to DH and asked if he can do one thing at the weekend with the 3 of them, he will try but its hard to drag them out for a walk.

I don't think it just has to be activities with all three of them, either, did you speak to your DH about just leaving his older kids to it once in a while? There's surely no reason why he can't leave them to it watching their Netflix shows to put his toddler to bed?

Now you’ve given concrete I formation - approx age of your child, it’s the bed-time routine you’re worried about - I can give some practical advice.

Instead I was concerned of the impact it will have if everytime DSC are here the bedtime routine alters as DSC are watching teen dramas/ 12 rated films with dad so he isn't doing the bit he usually does.

If he does the bedtime routine every day they’re not here, then I think it’s reasonable he doesn’t do it when they’re there. It’s 2 nights out of 14. 1, if they don’t stay 2 nights. You could ask him to do one bedtime for your DC if the DSC are there 2 nights. But with all due respect, if he’s done the cooking and cleaning and then does bedtime if your SC on those nights, you’ll be doing little. It seems churlish in those circumstances to feel your DC is missing out because he gets mummy doing bedtime instead just to ensure your DH spends time with your DC too. If he was doing toddler bedtime while you cooked that would be different as there’s be a practical reason too. But if it really concerns you then ask him to pause the film to do bedtime. And make sure that I’m the interest of fairness he also spends one-on-one time with each of his DSCs. As that’s what one-on-one means, not one-on-two (there seems to be a misunderstanding of this term at times). In addition to that, ensure he’s spending time with all 3.

Him taking the 3 out will get easier the older your child gets. At the moment it’s going to be hard to find an activity for both toddlers and teenagers.

Do you ever go out the 5 of you?

That's a good point I'll suggest that too. Now they are older they probably don't want their dad sitting around with them all the time. I remember as a teen watching somethings if my mum came in it was just embarrassing!

I did mention bed time routine before but it might have got drowned out in the outrage that I don't cook for the DSC. He doesn't do the whole thing there's just a bit he likes to do. I'm fine doing it all if it's not going to make DC feel like they've been dropped by their dad because DSC are here

You did mention bedtime but it wasn’t entirely clear what the issue was. But dramatic to describe there as having been “outrage” about you not cooking - and I say that as someone who hadn’t mentioned it.

You can surely explain to your DC if they mention it that Dad only has “bedtimes” with X and Y a few nights every other week but that all the other nights he does them. Or you can go with one of my other suggestions.

Ok not outrage but a lot of focus on me not subjecting my DSC to my cooking.

There isn't as a big issue at the moment as LO is small. I am looking for advice so there doesn't become an issue as I can see now how things like OH spending the whole time watching netflix with the DSC and only taking LO when I ask him to when they are here could become a problem as LO gets older.

I could say Dad does bedtime with your DSC when they are here but when they aren't he is free to do yours but that might make DC feel like as soon as DSC are here then DC is second fiddle.

I've had lots of useful suggestions here so thank you everyone.

Oh come now @MouldyPotato, stop being disingenuous.

Your first sentence about cooking was “partly as I refuse to do the cooking and cleaning for them”. If you’d put that you “didn’t subject the DSC to your cooking” you’d have had different responses.

Ditto with how you frame it to your DC about DH not doing bedtimes. If you say it as “ I could say Dad does bedtime with your DSC when they are here but when they aren't he is free to do yours” then of course they’ll feel second best. Won’t be the case if you tell them he does DC’s bedtimes 86% of the time and doesn’t see DSC for those 86% of nights.

You will probably find that by the time your dc is old enough to question their bedtime routine it will probably become less complicated anyway, what contribution does your partner make?

When they are old enough you can say that on their own they get 12 out of 14 evenings with dad, their siblings get 1 out of 14 each.

Does he your husband work weekends at all?

Your first sentence about cooking was “partly as I refuse to do the cooking and cleaning for them”. If you’d put that you “didn’t subject the DSC to your cooking” you’d have had different responses. yes I realise people took "refuse" to mean I stand there stamping my foot and telling the DSC I won't cook for them. I did later clarify it was what we agreed. I refused and DH agreed it was best for him to do it. It's not my fault people always read the worst into what people say.

@lunar1 that's a good point. By the time they are old enough things will have changed. No DH doesn't work weekends usually. He sometimes has to do really early morning starts.

I'm probably overthinking things and it will just be what LO is used to.

I think it's the way you have worded things that made people react to the cooking statement.

It's good that he doesn't work weekends at all, I think I would want him to do the same house jobs on both weekends. Your child will see him doing these things when his older ones are and aren't here. It keeps it consistent.

He isn't rolling out the red carpet. I think you would be right to worry if he was doing fun stuff with the older ones and working when it's just your dc.

It honestly sounds like you have a good balance and at least you don't have older children complaining about having to go to toddler friendly activities.

Everyone involved should be away of all the children's needs equally, you might not be their parent but you will have a massive impact on their lives. That's not to say you need to put them first, but older children look big and independent when you have a little one, I've found it's often when sat around watching crappy tv that my two might open up and talk about things.

They need 1:1 time with their dad, even if they don't always want it.

Yes I see saying "refuse" wasn't the best phrase to use but I did and DH agreed.

I've found it's often when sat around watching crappy tv that my two might open up and talk about things. yes I agree it's the mooching around when they are relaxed that is often best time for talking etc.

@MouldyPotato

Ok not outrage but a lot of focus on me not subjecting my DSC to my cooking.

There isn't as a big issue at the moment as LO is small. I am looking for advice so there doesn't become an issue as I can see now how things like OH spending the whole time watching netflix with the DSC and only taking LO when I ask him to when they are here could become a problem as LO gets older.

I could say Dad does bedtime with your DSC when they are here but when they aren't he is free to do yours but that might make DC feel like as soon as DSC are here then DC is second fiddle.

I've had lots of useful suggestions here so thank you everyone.

I don't think it's really reasonable for a parent to spend all day watching Netflix when they have a young kid. Surely it's normal to duck in and out of watching TV while you get on with things you need to do, as an adult? If they are genuinely just watching TV, he should be doing his share with you and his young child.