Resources for DC with DSC?

[MouldyPotato]

Hi,

I'm not sure i have phrased my title correctly!
My husband and I have DC who is little and he has DC from a previous relationship.

I've read lots of stuff about how to help the DSC with their sibling and adapt to being in a stepfamily. But I'm struggling to find anything that explains how best to help DC. They are only small but as they are getting older I want to know how to explain it best and how to prevent them feeling like as soon as DSC come to stay they are some how less important. Any helpful hints or links?

OP , it is much more likely that his older children feel pushed aside as opposed to your young child. If you look at clock hours spent in the presence of a child, your child wins hands up.
I would imagine that the kids would prefer having a father in the house full time rather than some crammed in time when they have to try and fit in the activities that would normally be stretched out over time.

I cannot imagine that any good parent would not prefer having their children full time rather than having to do normal things in a fraction of the time.

Keep in mind, there is always the possibility that another woman may one day be having the thoughts and lack of desire or need to do for your child exactly the things that you do not want to do for your stepchildren.

Relationships/ marriages today seem to have some fairly short shelf lives and karma can be a very fickle b.

I would do for and treat them in exactly the same manner that I would want my child treated in similar situation. Your step children may be trodding a path that your son may one day have to walk.

If all of the children are treated well, there will be far less need to be concerned about adjustments and adaptions.

@Needapoodle

So you'd cook a meal for you and your child but not the dsc?

Yes. Unless I'm batch cooking for the week ahead anyway. He does cooking for everyone when they are here I do the cooking for all 3 of us when they aren't. There are 2 DSC and one is fussy (notna complaint just a statement). So I leave it to him.

If I'm cooking dinner, i cook dinner for everyone so do I! And so does DH! I don't know why you think it's cold for us to split it this way. He likes cooking for his DSC he can do a big fancy roast. If it was left to me they'd all be eating tuna pasta bake or microwave meals!

I would do for and treat them in exactly the same manner that I would want my child treated in similar situation. Your step children may be trodding a path that your son may one day have to walk. this is exactly what I do! I wouldn't expect any future stepmum to do my child's washing or cook for them. All I was asking is do I need to be mindful for my DC that they don't somehow feel pushed out when DSC are here?

I am mindful of DSC feeling pushed out by DC and make an active effort to help with homework and spend time with them. And encourage lots of 1 to 1 time. I am just concerned in case it could damage DC if it goes too far the other way.

Sorry so many points to reply to, thanks for everyone's advice.

I would imagine that the kids would prefer having a father in the house full time rather than some crammed in time when they have to try and fit in the activities that would normally be stretched out over time.

This is what I'm thinking might be the 'wrong' way of approaching it. Should DH be trying to cram all the activities and catching up and things all in one weekend at the expense of our DC? If yes then that makes sense but I worry about the effect on DC and if there's ways to mitigate this.

I would imagine that the kids would prefer having a father in the house full time rather than some crammed in time when they have to try and fit in the activities that would normally be stretched out over time.

Why on earth do people automatically assume this?

Keep in mind, there is always the possibility that another woman may one day be having the thoughts and lack of desire or need to do for your child exactly the things that you do not want to do for your stepchildren.

If my ex was a dick and focused his full attention on our children while his child with his wife was pretty much ignored by him the whole time our children are with him, then I wouldn’t blame her if she left all the caring of our children to him too and she just concentrated on her own child. I don’t see why stepmums should always be the bigger person.

@funinthesun19

To be honest the DSC feeling upset because they don't have both parents around isn't my concern.

Exactly. What you mean is that it shouldn’t be your concern to the extent that you end up overcompensating for your DSC to the detriment of your own children.

Yes that is a better way of putting it thank you. The DSC have their own parents to concern themselves with their wellbeing my DC has their own parents of which I am one. I don't deliberately go out my way to make them miserable or be mean to them. Or cook everyone dinner and leave them out (not sure where that came from). I have a good relationship with them.

When he's super focused on dsc is that because they are doing activities that aren't suitable for the little one or is he almost forgetting his youngest by being out all day and coming back in time for dinner?

Your h needs to consider how he can promote the sibling relationship and spending time together is an obvious one. It doesn't mean that dsc has to always do activities that suit the youngest but there is generally something that they can do together (but this obviously depends on the ages of the kids)

I think it's ok to have a different schedule when sc comes round but I think it's also ok for Dad to duck out of the film and put the you gest to bed before rejoining the film. Maybe he can time the start of the film to coincide with after bedtime or they can watch a film he's seen before so it doesn't matter if he's missed a bit in the middle.

Yes really good idea, get resources to help your DC with any perceived unfairness they may (or may not) feel in the future.

You could even start saving now for a therapy fund for your DC?

Much better idea than asking your DH to treat all kids fairly or getting him resources

Which I guess is partly becuase he doesn't see them as often and partly as I refuse to do the cooking and cleaning for them.

This sounds like you don't cook for them.

I would have thought that general new sibling resources would be fine. They are usually about gaining a younger sibling but sibling rivalry (if he were to feel it) is the same whether your older or younger.

OP, a good way to ensure that your child feels that he is an integral part of activities with his siblings is to have him including when there are age appropriate activities. Even in intact families , it is not uncommon for parents to split the kids up to ensure that they all get to do various activities. I assume that your husband does not have his older children every weekend, so perhaps the alternate weekends can be focused on the younger child and the older kids become the focus on the other weekends.

We sometimes do girls day out and other times are guys day out. None of the kids seem to feel cheated or marginalized. They all know that at various times the focus shifts.

@TotorosCatBus

Which I guess is partly becuase he doesn't see them as often and partly as I refuse to do the cooking and cleaning for them.

This sounds like you don't cook for them.

I don't! DH does all the cooking when they are here. What is the issue with that? I don't cook for them unless you count eating some of the batch cooking I'm doing.

DuchessDarty I have done lots of reading on how to help the DSC with LO and was wondering if there was any advice to help LO with DSC. I don't see what's wrong with that. Better to prevent issues arising if possible.

Tiredoftattler thank you. I think I will suggest to DH that he thinks of one thing to do that can include them all.

TotorosCatBus thank you that's a good idea.

@Youseethethingis
What does he do to ensure that he is functioning as a father of 3 when your step daughter is not there? As a father of 3 how does he ensure that his daughter receives the same amount of attention,time, and resources from him that the other children receive?

That is what it means to act as a father of 3.

I assume things like paying maintenance, speaking on the phone to his child, buying things for his child for his house, watching school shows, going to parents evenings, speaking to the child’s mother about XYZ thing to do with his child are all things he will be doing as a father when his child isn’t with him.

Yes he makes sure he is involved as their mother allows and it's easier now they have their own phones so he can talk to them without having to seek permission.

Wow feel for you OP, lot of jaded people on this thread completely missing the point of your question. If your SS comes every weekend I can understand your predicament, because they come in 100% of leisure time, the time they aren't there is school and evenings etc. So I can see why your DC could feel left out.

I think rather than speaking to your DC you need to reassess the dynamics of weekend time. If you naturally push your DH to do all the work for his children, that's how it's going to pan out for everything then you have a divide. I would share every part of the weekend together work as a team, a family, including everyone. Maybe once a weekend he could have some alone time with each child but on the whole do everything together. You will be more united as a result.

We see SS eow, we always save our family trips until that weekend. I draw the line at discipline, but everything else we just work as a team- each kid has equal time with both of us and as a family. It works for every kid bar one (whole other thread)

Sorry I'm not sure if I've been very clear. There are 2 step children. Every other weekend and more than half they holidays. Every other week OH goes to see them for an evening too.

Littlepaws18 I think you might be right. If I do more to help all the children he can spend more time with all the children. The only problem with doing everything together is the age gap. 2 teen DSC and 1 little one. DSC are on their devices usually or watching American teen drama/edging into stuff unsuitable for LO.

Maybe we'll give it a go one weekend and see.

We see SS eow, we always save our family trips until that weekend I don't want to do this though as I think my DC will benefit from going to the farm/see the ducks etc but teen DSC can just about be dragged out for a walk or to see a national trust place.

@MouldyPotato

Sorry I'm not sure if I've been very clear. There are 2 step children. Every other weekend and more than half they holidays. Every other week OH goes to see them for an evening too.

Littlepaws18 I think you might be right. If I do more to help all the children he can spend more time with all the children. The only problem with doing everything together is the age gap. 2 teen DSC and 1 little one. DSC are on their devices usually or watching American teen drama/edging into stuff unsuitable for LO.

Maybe we'll give it a go one weekend and see.

I don't think that comment was right tbf OP. If you are doing the majority of the housework during the week it is appropriate for him to do more on the weekend, it is appropriate for him to cook. If the teens are always watching teen dramas, he should have plenty enough time to pay attention to the little one.

How old is your LO? It makes a big difference if they’re a 3 months old as opposed to 3 years old.

@Tiredoftattler
Thank you for your question. @funinthesun19 pretty much covered it - thank you!
To dive a little deeper, in terms of minutes spent, clearly the child who doesn't live with him doesn't get the same amount of time with him as the one who does (DS2 was stillborn but even he counts as DH is spending time raising money for charity in his memory).
If it makes any difference, DH sleeps with DSD in the pull out in the spare room as she cannot sleep alone. DS has never co slept once in his life. So maybe that makes up the one on one minutes as he's there when she has a bad dream, can't settle etc.
In terms of financial resources, DSD comes out ahead because when all is said and done he needs to provide for her in two houses instead of one. Contrary to popular belief on MN, her bedroom here and everything in it were not free.
So it's unequal. But each child is getting what they need from him, to the best of what he can provide. They can't be exactly equal because of different ages/stages/circumstances. But they are both equally important.
I terms of what happens when DSD is here, we pretty much carry on as we are except she's here too. We will save her favourite dinner (also one of my favourites!) for when she is here. If we are going a trip out it will be to somewhere suitable for both kids.
If DSD has a class party for example, he will take her to that, might come home via the park. But then he's playing with DS and puting him to bed when he gets home. He's not just assuming he can dedicate the whole day to DSD.
Because he is not a father of one.