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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Resources for DC with DSC?

123 replies

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 10:18

Hi,

I'm not sure i have phrased my title correctly!
My husband and I have DC who is little and he has DC from a previous relationship.

I've read lots of stuff about how to help the DSC with their sibling and adapt to being in a stepfamily. But I'm struggling to find anything that explains how best to help DC. They are only small but as they are getting older I want to know how to explain it best and how to prevent them feeling like as soon as DSC come to stay they are some how less important. Any helpful hints or links?

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 10/07/2021 12:23

@Ozanj the OP has said they have DSS 50% of the time.
I don’t think the resident kids should be sidelined or ignored when their sibling is at their home, that’s awful. Poor kids!

I have my DD I have 100% of the time and DS whom I share custody with my ex. I don’t ignore or sideline my DD when my DS is at our home Hmm How bloody weird!

This behaviour only seems to be acceptable when a man is doing it to his children, under the guise of “poor kids from a broken home, he doesn’t see them everyday!”

I don’t see my DS everyday. I don’t treat my DD as less important when he’s here, I split my time equally between my kids and treat them as fairly as I can. Just because I physically birthed them doesn’t change the situation.

I’d also like to point out that the children of the 2nd relationship are also in a way part of a “broken home” (ugh I hate that term) because they have a sibling they must miss when they’re not there. It’s not easy for them either and it can be very emotional and confusing to have a sibling who comes and goes, has a whole other family / home that is nothing to do with them… so for their parent to then sideline them in favour of spending time with their sibling is utterly sick.

SpongebobNoPants · 10/07/2021 12:25

ALL the kids who share at least one parent should be treated equally by said parent.

OppsUpsSide · 10/07/2021 12:29

Is he actually ignoring your shared DC when his other DC or are they just getting less attention because their siblings are about? Which is what happens when you have siblings.

TotorosCatBus · 10/07/2021 12:35

People who have kids with a large age gap often do things with one rather than both of the kids. For example you wouldn't take an 8 year old to Peppa Pig World or a 2 year old to a 12A movie. Most kids will be used to mum or dad going out to do adult things like going to the pub or a coffee shop and this is similar to that.

I can see why your child would find it strange to see Dad doing stuff without him and I'd advocate explaining that he'd find it boring, kids his age aren't allowed or organise an activity that he would enjoy but the older ones wouldn't.

Depending on the gap I would expect a point when your son could tag along with the oldest sometimes since he's equally his dad's son.

SpongebobNoPants · 10/07/2021 12:39

@OppsUpsSide
Is he actually ignoring your shared DC when his other DC or are they just getting less attention because their siblings are about? Which is what happens when you have siblings
That’s fine as long as all the children are getting equal attention. If 90% of the attention is on one child out of three then that’s not on.
They’re young children, they won’t rationally think “oh daddy sees half sibling less than us on a day to day basis so we don’t mind that he focuses all attention on him”

What will happen is firstly it’ll breed resentment amongst all the children because the NR child will be viewed as the “golden child” and may even become a bit entitled with it (I’ve seen this so many times) and/or the R children take a huge blow to their self esteem and self worth, “We’re only important when our sibling isn’t here”.

I don’t know why NR parents can’t just treat all their kids fairly?? It doesn’t matter that their other kids live with them full time, no more than it matters what happens in the NR child’s other home.
What matters is how the kids are treated when all together as a family!

Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 12:42

Ah no sorry if I've confused things. DSC are here EO weekend and just over half the holidays. He sees them in the weeks they aren't staying here too for an evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 12:44

Weebleweeble good point. I shall do that. Thank you.

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 10/07/2021 12:44

@TotorosCatBus that’s fine as long as dad is also prioritising one on one time/activities with his other children too.
It’s so common for dad’s to insist on having alone time with their NR kids but not their R kids. It creates a two tier system of importance in the family which is hugely dysfunctional.

I’m yet to hear any stories of mum’s who have second families and 50/50 care of older kids who then ignore their younger kids when the older ones are at their home.

Only seems to happen with men…

Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 12:50

@OppsUpsSide

Is he actually ignoring your shared DC when his other DC or are they just getting less attention because their siblings are about? Which is what happens when you have siblings.
Yes this is the thing. It's natural for his time to need to be split. But for example he says he can't do the usual bit of the bed time routine when DSC are here as he needs to spend time with them (often watching a film or something like that) or I have to ask him to take LO when the other weekend he does this without me asking. As you say it's a lot of stuff that would normally happen with siblings but I'm wondering if there's anything we can do to make it easier for LO as they grow up so they don't feel dropped for DSC.

Or maybe I am overthinking the whole thing and it doesn't matter as LO will just get more attention from me the weekends they are here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 12:52

It creates a two tier system of importance in the family which is hugely dysfunctional. this is what I'm worried about. But I guess as long as I make DH aware of it that's all I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 12:56

It’s not easy for them either and it can be very emotional and confusing to have a sibling who comes and goes, has a whole other family / home that is nothing to do with them yes also a bit concerned about this.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 10/07/2021 12:59

I’m yet to hear any stories of mum’s who have second families and 50/50 care of older kids who then ignore their younger kids when the older ones are at their home.

Only seems to happen with men…

And some of those same women probably totally contradict themselves when they expect their child’s father to ignore his younger child.
Wouldn’t dream of doing it herself, but then expects her ex husband to do it.

motogogo · 10/07/2021 13:13

In our household we treat all the children (young adults) as equals and they get the same treatment so if asked to do chores it's the resident and non resident, if there's a treat on offer all get it. We both do things for each other's children when needed if we are the one better suited or with time to do it (I work less hours so makes sense for me to do driving to fetch eg). Blended means just that. Financially I support my DD's and him his re allowances but if our we treat them equally so I'll pay for everyone sometimes and (more often) vice versa. It works for us, two live currently with us.

Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 13:16

Blended means just that
Yes this is why I never describe us as blended. There's no way I'm paying any more for his kids above half the mortgage and bills.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 10/07/2021 14:18

My DH is a father of three.
He doesn't operate as a father of one when DSD is here.

Ozanj · 10/07/2021 14:19

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@TotorosCatBus that’s fine as long as dad is also prioritising one on one time/activities with his other children too.
It’s so common for dad’s to insist on having alone time with their NR kids but not their R kids. It creates a two tier system of importance in the family which is hugely dysfunctional.

I’m yet to hear any stories of mum’s who have second families and 50/50 care of older kids who then ignore their younger kids when the older ones are at their home.

Only seems to happen with men…[/quote]
Yet funnily enough you never get second family kids, as adults, say they wished they were in their hs / ss place. They are usually secure, from childhood, that they are more important because both parents lived with them and did more things with them than the other set of siblings.

As for your comments on women Hmm. I come from a culture where many women prefer not to have custody of their kids but will see them on weekends and / or half the holidays. They absolutely do the same. When you have limited time to spend with kids who don’t live with you and there’s a large age gap the resident kids go to their grandparents, or have special time with their dad, when it’s mum’s contact time.

Original poster
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 14:23

When you have limited time to spend with kids who don’t live with you and there’s a large age gap the resident kids go to their grandparents

I can kind of understand why but that seems a bit wrong to me. Like off you go the DSC are here, we don't think you'll enjoy being around them so we'll pack you off to grandparents.

To be honest the DSC feeling upset because they don't have both parents around isn't my concern. I didn't cause the divorce and their parents could have stayed together if that was a problem for them.

OP posts:
Needapoodle · 10/07/2021 14:25

So you'd cook a meal for you and your child but not the dsc?

Needapoodle · 10/07/2021 14:27

To be honest the DSC feeling upset because they don't have both parents around isn't my concern. I didn't cause the divorce and their parents could have stayed together if that was a problem for them.

You sound really cold towards these children. I'm a stepmum. If I'm cooking dinner, i cook dinner for everyone. I don't treat dsc like they're nothing to do with me.

funinthesun19 · 10/07/2021 14:28

Yet funnily enough you never get second family kids, as adults, say they wished they were in their hs / ss place. They are usually secure, from childhood, that they are more important because both parents lived with them and did more things with them than the other set of siblings.

Actually I think you will find that when my children grow up they will be very happy that I threw their father out and that as a result they were given 1 happy secure household with me. They are much brighter and happier and have a much better life.

The same as their older sibling as always had with their mum. I genuinely believe that my children always had a worse deal than their sibling because they lived with both parents. This is why it annoys me when people say children of separated parents instantly have a shit life in comparison to this full, amazing life that people seem to think second children have.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2021 14:30

As for your comments on women . I come from a culture where many women prefer not to have custody of their kids but will see them on weekends and / or half the holidays. They absolutely do the same. When you have limited time to spend with kids who don’t live with you and there’s a large age gap the resident kids go to their grandparents, or have special time with their dad, when it’s mum’s contact time.

You'd make the RC go off to stay with grandparents EOW? Confused

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2021 14:31

@Needapoodle

To be honest the DSC feeling upset because they don't have both parents around isn't my concern. I didn't cause the divorce and their parents could have stayed together if that was a problem for them.

You sound really cold towards these children. I'm a stepmum. If I'm cooking dinner, i cook dinner for everyone. I don't treat dsc like they're nothing to do with me.

There's always one.
funinthesun19 · 10/07/2021 14:33

To be honest the DSC feeling upset because they don't have both parents around isn't my concern.

Exactly. What you mean is that it shouldn’t be your concern to the extent that you end up overcompensating for your DSC to the detriment of your own children.

funinthesun19 · 10/07/2021 14:36

Why should you always have it at the front of your mind that their parents aren’t together? That life fact shouldn’t dictate everything that goes on in your lives. What a miserable way to live.

Needapoodle · 10/07/2021 14:46

"There's always one."

Unless you're going to explain that why should i care what you think?

Op doesn't want her child to feel like a second class citizen but that's how she's treating her step children. When my dsc is here, all children get treated equally and me and dh muck in equally to look after all the children together. Hence i don't have any concerns about whether any of the children feel like they're less important because we both show all the children that they're all as important as each other.