Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

You mean like the time the DSC should be spending with their Mum?

Boom.

I'm aware you have convinced yourself that I resent his kids but I absolutely do not.

Me being cautious and aware of my own children's feelings from time to time doesn't equal resentment of his. I know that's the typical go to on here if you ever try to prioritise anything remotely positive for resident DC but I assure you I do not resent his children. That's a very big leap.

I never denied it's a husband problem and I certainly never suggested it's a stepmother problem. In fact, in every post I've expressed sympathy. It's complex and horrible. He's made an arse of lots of things by the sounds of it. Is there a drip feed here as to why he feels he can't leave them out? Does he have a lot of guilt over the split or something?

I just always feel so sorry for the stepchildren in these threads. They are always the ones that suffer. They're not daft. They'll pick up in these small resentments so easily. It must be bloody awful to be a stepchild in a situation like this.

The OPs children have the benefit of both parents in the one home. The other kids don't and that makes me feel a bit shit for them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@funinthesun19

You mean like the time the DSC should be spending with their Mum?

Boom.

Boom. Lol.

Presumably the DSC do spend approx 50% of time with their mother and what we're discussing is the odd extra day out. 🙄

Presumably the DSC do spend approx 50% of time with their mother and what we're discussing is the odd extra day out. 🙄

Sounds like he expects it every bloody time they go out though. I would be fed up with that if I was the op OR the mum.

@HennyK

I'm aware you have convinced yourself that I resent his kids but I absolutely do not.

Me being cautious and aware of my own children's feelings from time to time doesn't equal resentment of his. I know that's the typical go to on here if you ever try to prioritise anything remotely positive for resident DC but I assure you I do not resent his children. That's a very big leap.

You maybe don't resent the kids but you clearly do resent the additional time your husband chooses to spend with his children or else why post?

If him bringing them along to feed the ducks or whatever is having such a detrimental impact on your own children then I think your husband needs to have a look at his parenting.

Your step kids rarely get alone time with their dad (although you generously would allow that occasionally) but your own kids do. I'm not sure how your kids are the ones suffering here?

If him bringing them along to feed the ducks or whatever is having such a detrimental impact on your own children then I think your husband needs to have a look at his parenting

Because by bringing them, our DC end up basically ignored all day / afternoon as I've said multiple times. I'm really not sure what you are finding hard to understand.

Your step kids rarely get alone time with their dad (although you generously would allow that occasionally) but your own kids do

This is actually utter rubbish. My DSC spend lots of time every week alone with DH when they go to their hobby together (and often get tea on the way home).

I am not referring to time when we are having tea at home, or watching TV. I am referring to individual, focused, quality time. Which no, I don't agree our DC get more of.

I'm really not sure why you keep sarcastically saying how generous I am for saying I wouldn't mind him taking older DC out alone occasionally, I was literally asked if I would mind the reverse of this situation (which is him spending time alone with our DC occasionally) and I answered. You're purposefully trying to pick at things that aren't there.

You're purposefully trying to pick at things that aren't there

It's because people on here are determined to see step children as poor wee souls who are emotionally traumatised by their Dad having lunch with their siblings when they aren't there.

In reality, I would bet my house that most older DC wouldn't give much thought to their Dad going on a walk when they weren't around, but that doesn't fit the narrative that they must be constantly in a state of utter anguish and we must always compensate for that at the expense of everyone else.

It's really quite stupid.

I understand perfectly. Well as perfectly as anyone can from reading a strangers posts.

If your children are still suffering from some from of emotional neglect when they have the full attention of their father for 50% of the time and shared attention of their father 100% of the time then he needs to take a long hard look at his parenting.

I find it hard to understand that you are looking at this situation and thinking that it's your kids that are the hard done by ones.

I mean when you look at the bones of this... A dad going on a WALK when his older children are at their Mum's.. really it's nothing is it. But to younger DC who very rarely get to have dad's attention on a trip out it could be really nice for them.

And as for 'its not your children suffering'. None of the children are suffering, perhaps look up the definition.

I find it hard to understand that you are looking at this situation and thinking that it's your kids that are the hard done by ones

I find it hard to understand how anyone could think the step children are hard done by either in this situation?

@AintNoMaryPoppins

You're purposefully trying to pick at things that aren't there

It's because people on here are determined to see step children as poor wee souls who are emotionally traumatised by their Dad having lunch with their siblings when they aren't there.

In reality, I would bet my house that most older DC wouldn't give much thought to their Dad going on a walk when they weren't around, but that doesn't fit the narrative that they must be constantly in a state of utter anguish and we must always compensate for that at the expense of everyone else.

It's really quite stupid.

Emotionally traumatised by the fact their dad is having lunch with their siblings or we could reframe that as the fact that dad has a new family and their stepmother wants him to stop inviting them on fun days out?

I find it hard to understand that you are looking at this situation and thinking that it's your kids that are the hard done by ones

So Dad never pays any attention to his younger DC on days out, DSC get to go on days out with all his attention on both their time with Dad and on what should be their Mum's time and you think that's okay and just how it's likely to always be?

I hope you have higher standards for your own children

@AintNoMaryPoppins

I find it hard to understand that you are looking at this situation and thinking that it's your kids that are the hard done by ones

I find it hard to understand how anyone could think the step children are hard done by either in this situation?

Well if they knew their stepmother was posting on a public forum asking for advice on how to get her husband to spend less time with them then I'd assume they'd feel pretty hard done by. Other reasons SC tend to feel hard done by:

• having to shift between two homes
• having to negotiate complex family boundaries (often different in both homes)
• having to share a parent with the parents new spouse.

All pretty challenging on young folk.

or we could reframe that as the fact that dad has a new family and their stepmother wants him to stop inviting them on fun days out?

You could but you'd be massively exaggerating the situation.

What do you count as a fun day out? I'm not sure most people would count a walk as something DC would be traumatised at missing out on but each to their own.

I mean I count going on a bike ride as fun I guess, a trip round the shops can be fun to some people, I find getting my hair done quite fun or having a movie night and getting a takeaway. Are none of those things allowed when DSC aren't around?

@AintNoMaryPoppins

I find it hard to understand that you are looking at this situation and thinking that it's your kids that are the hard done by ones

So Dad never pays any attention to his younger DC on days out, DSC get to go on days out with all his attention on both their time with Dad and on what should be their Mum's time and you think that's okay and just how it's likely to always be?

I hope you have higher standards for your own children

Do I think it's okay that he ignores his children? No.

Have you even read my posts?

Well if they knew their stepmother was posting on a public forum asking for advice on how to get her husband to spend less time with them then I'd assume they'd feel pretty hard done by

Yeah but they don't... So what's your point?

If the younger DC were aware their Dad never actually wants to pay them any attention when they are doing something fun maybe they'd feel hard done by?

I think the latter is more likely than the step children reading a thread on Mumsnet personally.

Do I think it's okay that he ignores his children? No

But you literally said it was ALWAYS going to be likely that OP would be with her children and he'd be off with his because he wouldn't want to leave them with OP. So yes, you are saying that.

*In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go. Sidelined is a strange word unless you actually properly separate when you're out.

I have sympathy - I couldn't be a stepmother - but that's what happens when you marry someone with kids. His kids are just as important to him as his shared kids with you are.*

Haha, in other words, I have no experience of this dynamic, but I'm going to tell you what it's like anyway 😂

No, it isn't "what happens" when you marry someone with kids, for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, is the fact that the children are supposed to be spending at least half of their time with their mum. This is a very fundamental part of shared contact, surely with your infinite wisdom of the situation you are aware of that?

With that being the context in which these relationships are structured, all of the other very valid considerations can be satisfied neatly. So, yes, as you've mentioned, he's hardly likely to go off with the joint DC whilst OP watches his older one's, and as such (unlike in a conventional family) he won't be able to ensure he gets to spend time with all of his children on days out. Yes, days out ARE important to children in different ways to just your average day at home, so yes it is important that the younger DC get to spend time with their dad where he actually sees them. Moreover, as like you say all the children are EQUALLY important to him, the dad himself should want this. My DP certainly does, he laments only getting to spend time with DSS on days out, and actively plans to get to do the same with DD. No it is not just "what it's like" for them to be denied that, because as I mentioned before, in almost every case with children from seperated parents, they will be spending time with their other parent as well. For a majority of dad's and step mum's, that will be at least half but often more of their time. They are supposed to be absent for large portions of time, for their own benefit.

In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go

I mean what is this if not agreement with the way he is with his younger DC when they are out?

Can you not understand why sometimes it may be nice for the younger DC not to have this dynamic on a day out?

@AintNoMaryPoppins

Well if they knew their stepmother was posting on a public forum asking for advice on how to get her husband to spend less time with them then I'd assume they'd feel pretty hard done by

Yeah but they don't... So what's your point?

If the younger DC were aware their Dad never actually wants to pay them any attention when they are doing something fun maybe they'd feel hard done by?

I think the latter is more likely than the step children reading a thread on Mumsnet personally.

They won't read the thread but if she feels so strongly about it that she's posted then I'm pretty sure that they can pick up on her feelings.

The whole thing is a sad and sorry affair and there genuinely is no more a depressing place on MN than a step parent / child thread.

In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go

And in a nuclear family this wouldn't happen so you do have to separate the family units sometimes. If you're going to separate them in one way i.e. he can't leave his kids with you whilst he pays the youngest some attention then why is it so terrible to separate it the other way? I.e. because he can't do that when DSC are there, he can spend some time separately with joint DC.

@aSofaNearYou I do have experience in this dynamic. You don't have to be a SM to have experience of a blended family

They are only "desperately sad" because people have unrealistic expectations when posting on them.

I like spending the alone with DH and our kids. I do not hate my step children and they aren't sad and neglected either.