Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

[Lam33]

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

How and when were you introduced to his son? In the times when you've been there when he's come round, what has the day/weekend looked like? How much time does he get with his dad without you there?

Just asking as this might help to give a better insight into what's happening exactly from his perspective and therefore ideas of how you can work through it.

So we were together 7 months before I was introduced. We met for the first few times on neutral ground like the park etc then built up to dinner etc. It was another 6 months before I’d stay the night.

At the start i wouldn’t be there at all on their weeknight together. Gradually I started spending some of the weekend. Usually they go off to the park and I’ll go into town or do my own thing then meet them for dinner or lunch. Obviously as time has gone on I’m around more. I never get involved with bedtime and I don’t look after him alone

The little boy sounds like he’s having a really hard time at the moment. You mention that you’ve said you won’t come over but it’s ‘not really the answer as we’re grown adults who want to move on with our lives.’ I would just be aware that he is only 10 and is obviously struggling. He isn’t trying to stop you moving on with your lives and even though he isn’t a grown adult his life is important too.

I think it would be best for his parents or another trusted adult to speak to him and try to determine what’s the matter. It may be that he is worried he will be pushed out or feels you don’t like him but doesn’t know how to talk about it.

I would be especially worried that he’s crying at school. It sounds like he’s really emotionally confused right now. Have the school raised any concerns about this?

Thanks so much for your replies. So the school have just said he should write his concerns down in a notebook but nothing coming to light. His dad and mum have had numerous conversations with him to try get him to open up but he doesn’t say anything? When he’s actually with us he chats away fine and seems to be having fun. My partner is always planning activities for them/us and taking him places. Really lost for ideas…

This isn’t personal so please give them more space. Let them have the weekends and one night without you for now.

It sounds as though your partner is right and has read the situation correctly. His son must come first, he’s at a very transitional age and is going through a lot. It hasn’t worked yet but it will, it needs to be more gradual.

If I were in your shoes

@Kanaloa when I say we are trying to move on I just mean that we are adults and life does change inevitably and we have both worked really hard to ensure it’s a smooth process hence not rushing etc. It wouldn’t be the answer to just run away to keep him happy the world doesn’t work like that. We just don’t know how else we can support him to adapt

I would slow down with the moving in together. It will help the relationship in the long term.

@PurpleyBlue I get that but we’ve been together nearly 2 years. We are 36. Where do we draw the line?

I don’t think I suggested you should run away to keep the stepson happy. I said he is obviously a very unhappy little boy who needs support at the minute. If it was me I would take a step back and get his happiness sorted before moving in together.

Hmmm well things aren’t going to get any better by moving in together so maybe it’s time to rethink things for now?

His father needs to put his relationship with his son first, even if that means the two of you can’t live together. 18 months really isn’t that long when there is a child in the mix.

@Kanaloa no worries. Literally how long for though? they already have loads of one on one time. I just don’t see how slower we can take it apart from splitting up? I’d rather not put our lives on hold but support him in adapting to change

we’ve been together nearly 2 years. We are 36. Where do we draw the line

I'm sorry but the child absolutely has to come first. He would probably benefit from seeing a specialist paediatric counsellor to try and sort out what's upsetting him so much. I think you need to step back for a while and let your partner parent him without you being present.

Well I don’t know how long, it depends on the family. I think if my kids had been crying in school and every weekend we met their now stepdad I would have considered a long term live out relationship. For me my kids come first relationship came second. It’s not an easy line to walk to be honest.

How many relationships has your partner had prior to being with you?

If he’s had relationships before and they haven’t worked out, then it’s possible that he just sees you as yet another girlfriend iyswim and as such isn’t compelled to want to get to know you/be in your company.

It can be a difficult one. My eXH introduced my DC to his new partner and daughter fairly early on and DS really didn’t take to them. Not least because he was an only child and suddenly there was another child moving into what had been his house, who got priority over him, and who eXH expected him to be friends with.

Then his partner fell pregnant and they were their own family overnight. Even eXH admits now that it all happened too soon but the damage was already done.

DS hasn’t been over to stay there now for about 5 years, and he only ever sees his dad alone.

The truth is that people are entitled to move forward with their lives but the children don’t actually have to accept it because they have their own lives, and especially if they have another parent they are staying with it’s quite easy to just not go into the situation they don’t want to be part of.

I actually would delay moving in for now, and I certainly wouldn’t be planning to have children while your DP’s DS is still so in accepting of the situation, it will only leave him feeling more left out if you have a baby in the mix.

Personally if it were me I would be thinking about whether I wanted to stay in a situation which I didn’t know whether it would resolve. Your DP needs to make his own decisions as this is his DS and he will be in his life regardless, but it is a choice on your part to be part of a family where you’re being met with a level of hostility. If this continues and you have children together, do you want to be back here in a couple of years because your DP’s relationship with his DS has broken down and you find yourself a single parent?

Also, they don’t really get ‘plenty’ of one on one time. From your op it sounds like they see each other alternate weekends and one day in the week. For a child that won’t feel like a lot, compared to other kids who see their parents every day. He will feel his time with his dad is limited and precious.

You asked where you draw the line, the line is his son. If moving in with you is detrimental to the relationship with his son then its not going to work and he needs to draw the line there for the moment.

Not what you want to hear, but he's a parent first.

How long depends on what kind of relationship you are hoping for. If I were the parent of the struggling child, I would say until the child is an adult. I wouldn’t be planning to add any more children to that situation so living together really isn’t essential.

To you 18 months seems adequate to move forward, in a single relationship with no children it probably is. Where children are involved, it's not long at all. You are going to move into the boys home with his Dad... You are going to be in his space. Meeting you after 7 months, and then you seeming to always be around he must be feeling very unsure. With Covid disruptions and you appearing, that's a lot of change for such a young child. If he's unhappy now, he'll be unhappy when you move in. It won't get any better... It needs time!

Sensibly, you'd be best keeping your house, put off living together for the time being, and let his life settle without anymore upheaval or change.
Relationships with kids shouldn't be risk, and that little lad needs his Dad more than you do right now.
If your relationship is meant to be, another year or so won't hurt will it?

When you say 'where do we draw the line?', it feels like you are saying 'at what point do we disregard his feelings and just crack on?'.

Honestly, your need to progress your relationship is way down the list of priorities.

I get that it's difficult, my dp lives with me and my children. It took ages, for my ds to be in a place where it was possible to involve my dp.

Of we couldn't have progressed because of the impact on my kids, we just wouldn't have moved in or whatever the place that you want to progress is.

And honestly, I would have waited another 5 years if I needed to. And of Dp couldn't, we would have split.

My relationship with another adult, would not come before my son.

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I just feel there could be a balance. We’ve literally done everything textbook so far. Deliberately taken our time not rushed. Whilst I do understand children come first I don’t see how it should be they come first ALL the time. Children need to learn to adapt as life throws all manners of curveball and change. It’s completely unreasonable to expect adults to put their lives on hold to appease a child. I’m not wanting to appear unsympathetic I do really understand it must be different but its not necessarily a ‘bad’ different. My partner does admit he’s allowed him to rule the roost and be pandered to in the past. My thoughts are that maybe this also plays a part in his difficulties adapting

I’m not one to spout the usual crap about kids come first alway, because they shouldn’t do.

But this kid’s having an irrational reaction to change in his dads life, his dad is a massive panderer and you’re ALWAYS going to come last

Seriously, you don’t have time to waste if you want a family of your own

It’s not this guy. His situation won’t suit you

Do you want children of your own @Lam33

If so, I think you might have to cut your losses. I'm the same age as you and if I wanted children I would be making sure I was in a relationship where it was feasible sooner rather than later.

Of course his son is a priority to him. As he should be. Equally, you shouldn't have to put your life on hold.

@Ladylokidoki I don’t mean crack on and disregard his feelings. We/I will always have his feelings as a top priority but I mean where do we draw the line in pandering to a child to keep him happy at the expense of a relationship, life, children in the future. This is a child who hasn’t come from a broken home, doesn’t remember his parents being together, there’s been no divorce, no other woman, no drama, no moving or changing schools, no kids on my side to throw into the mix. I’m not saying that should make it easier I’m just saying we’ve been patient all this time and we are running out of ways to reassure him