Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

154 replies

Lam33 · 25/06/2021 15:33

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 27/06/2021 11:17

@newomums , what do you mean

Finding a man without a kid at his age usually means he's far to selfish to be a decent person. ?

aSofaNearYou · 27/06/2021 11:27

Keep strong. Follow your instincts. Finding a man without a kid at his age usually means he's far to selfish to be a decent person.

Not to discredit what you've said because I know your comment was supposed to paint a positive picture, but I think it's dangerously misleading to make this generalisation whilst also saying step parenting comes with mind blowing highs. I can't say I have ever had any particular highs from step parenting, and there is a HUGE amount of people with kids they had quite often accidentally that are highly selfish. At least in a relationship with somebody without kids, you are on a level playing field in terms of what you might each be selfish about. Dealing with a partner's selfishness around their kids is common and horrendous.

Also, 36 is a common age for people to have their first child these days. Men who wait that long are not emotionally deficient by default, they are average.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 27/06/2021 11:29

I really don’t think you should be moving in together. His son needs to come first and he is obviously struggling. His parents needs to ensure their son is happy and settled before anyone makes anymore changes to his life.

HiHoSylvie · 27/06/2021 11:41

Hmmmmm finding a man without kids at the old age of 36 means he is likely to be "far too selfish". Um, no, sorry, I was nodding along with you till, but you've lost me there.

RedMarauder · 27/06/2021 11:48

@HiHoSylvie

Hmmmmm finding a man without kids at the old age of 36 means he is likely to be "far too selfish". Um, no, sorry, I was nodding along with you till, but you've lost me there.
The poster has an idea that people particularly men who don't have kids by their mid-30s are selfish.

As someone who knows lots of older first time parents and had her own child at aged 43 that's not the case.

We have just been picky about who we want to be the other parent of our children.

itsnevertolate · 27/06/2021 11:54

OP I'm not a step parent but have step parents who I love dearly. I actually think you should be trying to build a relationship with this little boy, not staying out of his way. If you are going to be part of his life he needs to know he is safe and secure with you. He is probably acting out because not only is there such a big change happening, but he also doesn't really know you. Try organising a fun day out with him and DP, watch his favourite movies, build a fort, play football, computer games whatever his interests are get involved. Don't go over the top and try to be his best friend, but try and get involved so he knows this woman is kind and fun, not a horrible lady who's taking his dad away.

HiHoSylvie · 27/06/2021 11:57

Oh no, I think I understood what she meant. I just really strongly disagree with it and I say that as someone who had dcs younger, as did my DH.

MzHz · 27/06/2021 13:32

The issue here is less about the boy, and more about the way his parents are not dealing with this situation

SandyY2K · 27/06/2021 13:51

Thenose

What is it about you being there that he doesn't like?

It might just be her presence, so nothing personal. Just him wanting it to be him and his dad.

I've read on here many SMs saying they prefer the Stepchildren not coming over, or dread the EOW visitation. Adults won't necessarily say that to their partners, but kids express it in a different way, depending on their age, maturity and personality.

Micemakingclothes · 27/06/2021 15:41

@HiHoSylvie

Hmmmmm finding a man without kids at the old age of 36 means he is likely to be "far too selfish". Um, no, sorry, I was nodding along with you till, but you've lost me there.
I have to agree. This is just ridiculous. Especially since in some social circles having children before your 30s makes you an absolute outlier.
excelledyourself · 27/06/2021 15:49

My female friend just turned 37 and has no kids. Is she selfish too?

blahblahblah321 · 27/06/2021 15:56

@excelledyourself

My female friend just turned 37 and has no kids. Is she selfish too?
Weird belief isn't it? I'm hoping that as that poster hasn't come back, that it's because she didn't mean it to sound quite so judgey...
Kanaloa · 27/06/2021 16:16

Also, the op herself doesn’t yet have kids, so I guess that would make her selfish.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2021 16:44

finding a man without kids at the old age of 36 means he is likely to be "far too selfish

This is so not true and doesn't make any sense at all. 36 is not an old age for a man not to have kids. What if he hasn't been financially secure enough to have a child and provide properly as he would like by 36?

Or it could be a 36 year old man wasn't sure if he wanted kids...many women are unsure if they want kids till this age or later...that hardly makes them selfish.

HiHoSylvie · 27/06/2021 16:52

@SandyY2K

finding a man without kids at the old age of 36 means he is likely to be "far too selfish

This is so not true and doesn't make any sense at all. 36 is not an old age for a man not to have kids. What if he hasn't been financially secure enough to have a child and provide properly as he would like by 36?

Or it could be a 36 year old man wasn't sure if he wanted kids...many women are unsure if they want kids till this age or later...that hardly makes them selfish.

Yes, that's what I was saying. You've quoted the wrong post.
FeckingPuddleDuck · 27/06/2021 17:28

I won't say anything else as I feel others have covered what I would say anyway.

But what I will say is PLEASE do not waste your chance or opportunity to have children of your own waiting around for your partner's son to be 'ready' or 'okay'. That may take years or worse, may never happen.

For me personally no man would be worth potentially losing out on having children and I feel I would have ended up resentful if that had happened.

FeckingPuddleDuck · 27/06/2021 17:29

And to clarify by that I don't mean just go ahead and do it anyway. I mean move on and find someone else.

FeckingPuddleDuck · 27/06/2021 17:34

I also have never experienced these 'mind blowing highs' from step parenting. What are they??

It's mainly just been a lot of getting on with it, a few hard bits, some shit bits but mostly on the whole alright. I have never experienced anything that has made me think wow step parenting is fucking awesome and I have a pretty good set up, no issues like OP and no issues with the ex either.

My own kids come with 'mind blowing highs' yes but not my step children for me personally anyway.

aSofaNearYou · 27/06/2021 17:52

@FeckingPuddleDuck

I also have never experienced these 'mind blowing highs' from step parenting. What are they??

It's mainly just been a lot of getting on with it, a few hard bits, some shit bits but mostly on the whole alright. I have never experienced anything that has made me think wow step parenting is fucking awesome and I have a pretty good set up, no issues like OP and no issues with the ex either.

My own kids come with 'mind blowing highs' yes but not my step children for me personally anyway.

Yes this is very much what I thought. It's not that it's all lows but it's certainly all lows and alrights, not mind blowing highs.

I always find it a bit idealistic when people talk about the "privilege of being a part of their upbringing". Most of the time it really doesn't feel like a privilege watching kids go through all the different difficult stages of growing up, it's mainly just a bit of a PITA (and I say that without a shadow of a doubt that it would be the same for someone getting a front row seat to my DDs upbringing).

SandyY2K · 27/06/2021 18:53

I also have never experienced these 'mind blowing highs' from step parenting. What are they??

I don't know of it's just the SMs on UK that post on MN that seem to have a much more hands off approach, but when looking at forums mainly US based, a lot of the SMs who post seem more involved and talk with more love, affection and pride about their SC.

Perhaps it's a cultural thing and I'll be honest, I was taken aback about how invested they were. Very eager to attend graduations...and of course it's not just university graduations, but kindergarten, junior, junior high, high school etc.

Watching baseball games regularly, softball, gymnastics, swimming....it's very very different and it's done willingly and they talk of clapping and cheering. Talk of "a success" when SC approaches them first about a relationship issue, or a health issue or other advice before their own parents.

Of course many of the SM problems still exist as in the UK, but I get a very different feel

Maybe those in UK who have highs aren't posting on MN.

newomums · 27/06/2021 19:46

@SandyY2K

I also have never experienced these 'mind blowing highs' from step parenting. What are they??

I don't know of it's just the SMs on UK that post on MN that seem to have a much more hands off approach, but when looking at forums mainly US based, a lot of the SMs who post seem more involved and talk with more love, affection and pride about their SC.

Perhaps it's a cultural thing and I'll be honest, I was taken aback about how invested they were. Very eager to attend graduations...and of course it's not just university graduations, but kindergarten, junior, junior high, high school etc.

Watching baseball games regularly, softball, gymnastics, swimming....it's very very different and it's done willingly and they talk of clapping and cheering. Talk of "a success" when SC approaches them first about a relationship issue, or a health issue or other advice before their own parents.

Of course many of the SM problems still exist as in the UK, but I get a very different feel

Maybe those in UK who have highs aren't posting on MN.

Must me a cultural difference because yes I'm not native to the UK. Possibly because I am older.Might be also because I had a child that died (before my DD)- who knows why I feel that way but I do, it's a personal thing doesn’t effect anyone and I’m not shaming anyone for feeling different. Who knows or frankly cares why I find it a privilege and did you all not read the part where I have said it’s given me grey hairs. I haven’t described it as a trip to Disney land.

MN Is weird place because I have seen a women torn a new one for saying she had a lot of lows with her SC and here you all are picking at the wording because I said the highs are amazing. Maybe my wording makes how I feel more dramatic than my feelings or maybe it's a cultural thing. It's weird it's like no matter what people say on this thread your dammed if you do your dammed if you don’t .

I find deadly ironic given my own age how some have taken my comment on age since I thought my sarcasm was clear 🥴 I was wrong on that front as what I put seemed fairly ridiculous.

So just to be clear - plenty of fish in the sea you aren’t stuck with this guy.

newomums · 27/06/2021 20:14

@aSofaNearYou

Keep strong. Follow your instincts. Finding a man without a kid at his age usually means he's far to selfish to be a decent person.

Not to discredit what you've said because I know your comment was supposed to paint a positive picture, but I think it's dangerously misleading to make this generalisation whilst also saying step parenting comes with mind blowing highs. I can't say I have ever had any particular highs from step parenting, and there is a HUGE amount of people with kids they had quite often accidentally that are highly selfish. At least in a relationship with somebody without kids, you are on a level playing field in terms of what you might each be selfish about. Dealing with a partner's selfishness around their kids is common and horrendous.

Also, 36 is a common age for people to have their first child these days. Men who wait that long are not emotionally deficient by default, they are average.

I think I have covered this in previous comment but I was being a sarcastic re the age thing. I should have been clearer.

My perspective think it's usually not a SDC selfishness issue more a Disney dad type issue not allowing house rules to be followed issue. But tomato tomatoe. I supposed now I think of it Disney parenting is a type of selfishness because it rarely benefits the child in the long term. Or anyone actually

SandyY2K · 27/06/2021 22:21

Who knows or frankly cares why I find it a privilege and did you all not read the part where I have said it’s given me grey hairs. I haven’t described it as a trip to Disney land.

You seem really defensive and I'm not sure why. My response was to the comment about stepparenting not having any highs and a number of posters agreed that it doesn't. I was merely pointing out how I see it differently on a US based site and they have positive experiences and seem proud of SC...
You appear to taken some pp having a different experience as a personal attack.

MN is weird place because I have seen a women torn a new one for saying she had a lot of lows with her SC

Meh..Lows with SC are pretty normal here and par for the course.

I find deadly ironic given my own age how some have taken my comment on age since I thought my sarcasm was clear 🥴 I was wrong on that front as what I put seemed fairly ridiculous

Sarcasm doesn't always come across in written text...hence a good number of people didn't get it, myself included.

aSofaNearYou · 28/06/2021 09:38

My perspective think it's usually not a SDC selfishness issue more a Disney dad type issue not allowing house rules to be followed issue. But tomato tomatoe. I supposed now I think of it Disney parenting is a type of selfishness because it rarely benefits the child in the long term. Or anyone actually

I agree with you there.

And regards your last comment, I meant no offence when I questioned your description of the highs of step parenting, I wasn't trying to discredit your positive experience. I just thought that was a bit of a risky thing to promote to OP as if that will be her experience, when I don't actually know many step parents who feel that way. Great if you do, but people can sleep walk into these situations because that is the rhetoric they have heard, and it can also be an incredibly stifling expectation once they are already in the situation, feeling no such highs but unable to talk to anybody about it, because everybody expects them to and judges them for not. It's a societal expectation I think could do with being dismantled. Yes people often get ripped a new one for saying they don't feel that way. That's exactly why I questioned your words, to warn OP that if she stays on board that's quite likely NOT to be her reality, and also to help normalise that fact.

newomums · 28/06/2021 09:47

Defensive no baffled yes - (not specifically by your comments and I didn't actually mean to quote you btw my mistake) . I think people can pick apart a post and ignore other elements and it all gets a bit weird.

I got the feeling that I had upset others by describing my situation which maybe totally different from others (neither is wrong just different). Maybe my post seemed a bit tone deaf and hit a nerve with some but it's the internet and we aren't all gonna agree. No one at all has from what I have experienced this SC locked down (if you do send me your advice) - But if your partner has kids and you wanna stay with him, you kinda have to find some joy in it or your life's gonna be pretty tough.

In my opinion there is fun to be had and if you spend time with the SC you can get it. If the situation permits.Which isn't always feasible (usually I'm gonna say rarely because of things the SM can control bar walking away).

Point made about the sarcasm. Hands up. I didn't actually think that people might read it and take it at point blank (will add a disclaimer next time) unless there's some MN rule over how to show it.