Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

[Lam33]

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

Just a thought; he hasn't heard you and DP DTD, has he, do you think?

Very very quick in my opinion as a single parent but - each to their own

How frequently does your partner have him?

Shame the moving in was progress despite him clearly going through very difficult time

Lam33 - you are not coming across well. Very judgemental, very much blame the child and your refusal to listen to any comments is almost like a toddler. This is all about you and the adults and what they want
"Children need to learn to adapt as life throws all manners of curveball and change. It’s completely unreasonable to expect adults to put their lives on hold to appease a child. I’m not wanting to appear unsympathetic I do really understand it must be different but its not necessarily a ‘bad’ different."

Textbook is so far from where most children are / behave and insecurities are massive blown out of small things. If he is this upset then you have not been text book and something has been missed and yes you are unsympathetic and to be honest coming across as herd and callous - memememememe.
He will know his family is not the norm, he may want a mum and Dad at home but you are not his Mum and this is the end of any thought that it might ever happen. Children from many separated parents put up with an awful lot of crap - they never asked for but is demanded of them by parents - who want what they want.

You are expecting adult understanding and emotions from a 10 yr old, who has lost his Dad to you and if you have mentioned babies will see himself being replaced in his Dads life.

Sorry I personally would not want you as the SM of my DCS - will predict in 2 yrs you have DCs and this DC will be rarely seen, barely tolerated by you and so not part of your new nuclear little family.

Yes you’re use of the word “text book” is odd

No text book when it comes to children

I'm in agreement that you come across as obviously trying but not really having a clue about the emotional needs of a child of his age and circumstances. I don't blame you, this is isn't easy! But ultimately the way forward that is right for this unhappy little boy may not be compatible with your preferred timeline for moving in to start your own family.

You know even though your DP has never been with his mum, he will still fantasise about his mum and dad together like his friends perhaps have. Maybe you being around more and planning on moving in together is bringing that fantasy to an end and it’s a lot for a 10yo.

When my eldest SS was 11 (we have a good relationship) me and his dad had just got married and he was excited but afterwards he got really emotional and had a bit of a unsteady few months of saying ‘my mum and dad should have got married, not you and dad’ and other things a long those lines, but his mum and my DH was never really together, he just wanted a family like his friends.

Just give them space and hopefully things will get better. Your DP needs to speak to his son and find out what’s going on, it’s a lot on a 10yo.

My dad left when I was 9. Loved my step
Mum from the outset (she was more reliable and normal than either of my parents) but I absolutely dreaded him having children with her, which I knew enough to realise could happen. I lost sleep over it, cried, was afraid to put my worry into words in case it made it happen. I felt that he wouldn't love me anymore if he had a baby. By 13/14 I really couldn't have given two hoots, I was more interested in my own life. They had their first when I was 16, when it was gorgeous to have a baby sister. So give this time. I actually think you should move in and show this sad boy that his Dad still loves him as much as ever and you moving in changes nothing. But I'm not convinced that having children of your own is not going to work for a few years until this boy starts the adolescent quest for his own identity. Is your DSS an only child? If so he has never had to share the adults in his life.

There’s so many questions I’ll try answer as many as possible.

Counselling- I’ve suggested this (not my place I know but didn’t think it would hurt)
partner says yeah but hasn’t organised anything

Would I like children of my own- definitely

Did he have structure in the lockdown- his parents are key workers so he went into school. I guess that’s slightly more structure than most kids have had this past year.

To the poster who said I’m resentful of his relationship with his dad. This is incredibly hurtful. I am in no way resentful…I’ve come to this forum to seek help and advice from other stepparents or even just parents who may be able to support me and help me find a solution that works well for everyone.

When I make use of the word ‘pandering’ surely that’s what many of you are suggesting we do? Don’t have a relationship don’t move forward because a child doesnt like it? The more practical avenue is surely to help find ways to support this boy through transitions and help him with his emotions? I’m really not a bad person I’m trying to be practical and I’m already struggling why guilt when I’ve done nothing wrong

@HotSauceCommittee no definitely not. We are even careful not to do that when he’s here!

Would I like children of my own- definitely

I definitely see why time is of the essence for you op as you're 36. It sucks, but when your partner and hopefully future father of your children already has a child, yes you do have to put your life on hold to an extent I think. He isn't being pandered to (and I definitely know some children are and that stepmums end up suffering because of it). He genuinely seems to be struggling. You can't ignore that because of your timeline. It is rubbish for you though. But that's the 'joy' of step parenting!

Maybe you could try looking at it from the boy’s perspective? It does seem to be moving fast, you have known him less than a year and are calling him your stepson - to him you’re just his dad’s girlfriend. You also seem to think they spend loads of time together when realistically they don’t. They have one weekday and alternate weekends together, this is a very small time and the child obviously feels insecure in their relationship. It isn’t pandering to want to spend three days a fortnight with his dad’s full attention.

Counselling- I’ve suggested this (not my place I know but didn’t think it would hurt)
partner says yeah but hasn’t organised anything

So he says things to just end the converstation. He has no intention of doing it.

You don't want kids with this man. He keeps saying things to makebit sound like he is agreeing and then he is just doing what he wants

Don’t have a relationship don’t move forward because a child doesnt like it? The more practical avenue is surely to help find ways to support this boy through transitions and help him with his emotions?

In your circumstances, yes. Because you see anything, but moving forward as standing still, putting a freeze on the relationship or going backwards.

This can be resolved. But it will take a long time, it's not going to 6 weeks counselling and all is rosey. And certainly not with a dad who isn't willing to take the steps to properly support his son.

So unless you are willing to waste another year, before you realise this man isn't going to step up, ending it is best.

Let's say you forger ahead with moving in. The boy is further distressed, see his dad less. His dad becomes more Disney. You have kids together. Dad feels more guilty because he lives with your kids but not his first son. So first son gets away with more. Then you realise that anything you agree to with your dp about your own kids, never gets done.

He nods and agrees and understands your points and nothing changes. He is still disbey dad to his ds, still pissing you off. And still not stepping up and being a decent dad to his kids. Any of them.

People aren't suggesting splitting just because the son is upset. It's the way you talk about your partner. It's how he acts. It's not going to magic fix itself because you share an address.

You don't want to play the long game. This is a long game. But on top of that your dp won't do anything to get to that finish line.

You actually sound really kind and thoughtful. He’s lucky to have a step mum who is so understanding. Could you work on improving your relationship with you stepson? Maybe suggest something fun and join in too?

Is your partner definitely "the one", OP? Looking at this objectively, it's hard not to say move on. It might be years before your partner's child is ready to accept you and in the meantime you may lose your chance of having a child. And if you do have a child, you will then have the complications of balancing your own child with a step-child who potentially doesn't accept you (and the guilt your partner will feel). It just feels like a whole lot of complications which might lead you to feel resentful in the end.

Hi OP - a different point of view here. I know you came to the 'step parenting' topic of MN to get advice but you do need to know that step parents/partners of men with children are castigated at every turn.. they literally can never do right.

I am a step parent to 4 and mother to 3. I won't lie , it's not an easy ride but all 4 sc moved in with us during their teenage years so we must have done something right.

My first thought is this... WHO is telling you he doesn't want to come.. ? Is it him ? Is it his mother ? Is it dad ? Depending on that answer will depend on the advice I will give - but bear in mind that most MN posters on the SP topic want you to spend 10 years getting to know the children, leave your home whenever they are there. Never comment on any aspect of your partners parenting .. and genuinely cover yourself in sack cloth and ashes for ever considering a relationship with a man with kids !

I think you also sound very thoughtful and sensible-I am a Parent and I agree with what you are saying.
Try to give them time alone but I also think you should be involved in some things you can all join in together.
I have not got any advice but I just wanted to let you know,because it seems your getting a hard time, that I agree with you.

When I make use of the word ‘pandering’ surely that’s what many of you are suggesting we do? Don’t have a relationship don’t move forward because a child doesnt like it?
Pandering suggests that the child is being unreasonable. Say child doesn't want to go to sleep and parent says come downstairs and watch tv instead.

People are suggesting that you need to be kind to the child. He's 10 and he's used to things being a certain way. The child isn't unreasonable to be wary of the changes that have happened and are about to come. His Dad should be prioritising the child's feelings because he's a parent and that's the commitment that you make.

I’m really not a bad person I’m trying to be practical and I’m already struggling why guilt when I’ve done nothing wrong
The problem is that you can't see that this is a problem without a quick fix. Fixing the child's programming (ruling the roost at Dad's house) is going to take months, years and might not even happen. Dad hasn't even organized counselling for the distress. Does he think that his son's ruling of the roost is a problem? Is he not worried about about his son's distress? A guy like this who can't face problems head on is not a good man to blend families with. If you have babies with him you're going to end up with a 2 tier family or not seeing dss at all because your partner has his head in the sand. There's more to being a good Dad than playing and feeding which is the low bar set by society.

You've not done anything wrong except underestimate how long it will take for things to get "better". Your partner and son have been like this for 10 years and presumably your partner was happy with this until his son started feeling insecure.

Sounds like you have been sensitive, but life is unfair and children are unfair. If he’s this distressed now at 10 he’s only getting to get worse as he gets older. I don’t think he’s suddenly going to turn it around and be happy in the situation. And if you both have kids together …. It’s going to get even worse.

I know it’s unfair, but I’d seriously reconsider staying with this guy. Read the step parenting boards here, see how bloody hard it is being a step parent and be honest if you can really sign yourself up for that.

It would be really good if you (your partner, too) stopped pushing for moving in together. See him through the week and leave the weekends clear for the child. Put the child first.

What is it about you being there that he doesn't like?

In your circumstances, it shouldn't be difficult for you to improve their previous set-up, rather than take away from it. With two adults, he could get more attention, not less. Am I right in assuming that his dad was having him one day a week and every other weekend? That's not much in the scheme of things, why can't he have his dad's undivided attention? It's not unusual for parents to prioritise their children over the housework. Why can't his dad put it off for the couple of days he has him? I don't understand any of this.

There is a balance. There is a very strong school of thought on MN but I think the reality is that many people think and act as you are saying. When I first got together with my DP, neither of us had the money to put off moving in together beyond the natural point just to avoid potentially upsetting his DS. This is always advocated on MN but yes, like you, our decision to move in together was made by the adults and based in a variety of practical factors. The children involved should always be reassured by their parents, who should make the effort to talk things through with them, but ultimately they won't have the casting vote on major, adult decisions.

I think the most important consideration for you, is how much you want your own child and how you plan to move forward. That is more pressing than when you can move in together really, as it has a natural deadline. You need to discuss with your partner how long you are willing to wait before TTC, and presuming he is expecting that to be after you have moved in together, how he plans to prepare his son for it, because it is important that you do not allow yourself to be strung along in that regard.

I also echo other posters saying that being a step parent comes with a huge amount of sacrifice and often low points and drama, if you're not fully aware of that and have never experienced it I would advise you to do some reading into what it's like and consider whether you are willing to be in that kind of relationship. It would be much easier for you all around if you found someone childless who also wants kids soon.

Hi OP - a different point of view here. I know you came to the 'step parenting' topic of MN to get advice but you do need to know that step parents/partners of men with children are castigated at every turn.. they literally can never do right.

I have been here 11 years and hear this said all the time. I just don't think is a fair assesment.

I am a step mother (now adult step son) and my kids dad has had a couple of relationships. One of the women was absolutely lovely. I have never had a problem with my ex girlfriends.

I don't any expect to wait 10 years. I said I would wait 10 years to move in with someone, if it cause my kids distress. I might even wait til the kids moved out. But I never said, everyone should do that.

But op wants to get moving quickly. She has said her dp said he panders to the child and he rules the roost. And that he was going to get support for the child but hasn't actually done anything. How is that a good parent or someone who wants to resolve this so he can live with his girlfriend?

I made a point of saying I don't think the op is a bad person or would make a bad parent. But as she isn't a parent, I don't think she realises how this will play out and doesn't really understand howbtg3se situations impact kids. And why would she Ask? This is shown by the fact she thought he wouldn't be disrupted by this because he doesn't remember the kids being together.

I have nothing against step parents or good non resident parents. But this man does not strike me as a good resident parent. At least from a point of view of getting this sorted so him and op can move forward. He sounds like a fairweather dad. But from ops perspective he is setting up a bad situation. Whatever way it goes.

And it's probably only going to get worse if op and her dp do have kids who live with him full time.

What you essentially seem to be saying is you're going to plough ahead anyway, move in, and he will have to deal with it. You can't just solve this by insisting you can "find ways" to make him deal with it.

You are looking at this from the perspective of a childfree relationship, where 18 months together would seem plenty to be ready to move in.

However, this is not a child free relationship. Whilst yes, the boy can be helped to accept the relationship, etc, over time, you don't seem to be getting that for him, it isn't enough time yet and you living together and forcing the issue will make this worse. He met you less than a year ago, and now you are moving in. He sees his father once a week on average and to suddenly (as far as he is concerned) share his Dad 100% of the time is devastating.

He'll get there. But it's too soon right now.

I get it, I do. DP has a nearly 10 year old, has never known her parents together, and we've been together almost 2 years, and she met me over a year ago. However, I know she is absolutely not ready for us to live together (and we haven't suggested it anyway, for many reasons). She will be at some point, but would be very upset if we did it now.

No OP you are NOT moving quickly.. you are being considered and respectful.. but also need to think about YOU (you are not allowed ANY consideration in step parent forums - you are literally expected to be a non- person with no feelings and no emotion)

Honestly - you may need to walk away ... not for the child , but for YOU... !!

You are getting a tough time here...sorry.

You have taken this slowly, you and your partner are thinking about and prioritising your DSS.

Are you sure that his tears are even connected with your relationship?
There could be other things going on.

This child does have to think about others, he does need to learn to adapt. I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to be able to move on with your relationship in the time scales you have given.

I am in education, I do have children. My children have a step mum, I am also the step mum to three children. I see it from all sides.

I don't think it is good for any child to have control like this. He needs support to be able to accept that the adults in his life love him but that they, as adults, do get to make the decision.