Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

[Lam33]

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

Also, a counter perspective about the impact of ensuring that the child is front and centre of every decision the adult makes in terms of mental health. When you do this, you deprive the child of opportunity to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them (sadly, it doesn't), deny them the opportunity to experience what a healthy loving relationship looks like, remove the experience of boundaries, and deny them the opportunity to develop resilience.

I'm not saying to make decisions which aren't safe or appropriate, but equally, there are lots of decisions we make as adults that children don't like. It doesn't mean those decisions are wrong! When my 10 year old cries and says I'm ruining her social life by not letting her have Snapchat or talk on her phone with her mates all night, I'm fairly sure she believes it to be true. I don't and feel more equipped to make those decisions than her!

Does his Mum have a new partner or has she previously? Has your boyfriend introduced anyone other than you to him?

I’m wondering if he sees previous relationships as being a negative experience for him in terms of parents time and attention and this is making him anxious?

Is your partner able to discuss with his son’s Mum what’s going on?

Restless access to Snapchat isn't in the same league as what is going on here and I think your suggestion minimises the mental wellbeing of a minor.

Setting rules and boundaries to children dictating the choices an adult makes for them are important, but they should be done when there is level playing field in emotional stability, not when the child is clearly in distress. You don't do that in the eye of the storm. They need to get to the bottom of what's happening first before trying to lay down boundaries or it could exacerbate a sensitive situation further.

Scoobysdoo I agree, if it was the son demanding this that and the other then I would consider that "pandering" if dad always gave in. But this child is very distressed and until the parents get to the bottom of it and they feel better I don't think it is unreasonable for the son to feel they want to spend time with their own father!

@Scoobysdoo it was an example to illustrate a point. Children sometimes have different wants to parents. Doesn't make the want more appropriate. It sounds like this little boy has grown used to having everything on his terms and is pushing back against that. It's not normal for the entire focus of attention to be on a 10 year old child with no real life going on during that time. OP's post suggests he is fine when he is actually with them. School don't appear worried about his behaviour.

Sometimes my kids say they don't want to go to their dads house and sometimes cry in protest. That's not because there is anything wrong or unsafe in his home, just that they don't like some of his rules. When they get there, they are safe, happy and loved. If I thought they weren't they wouldn't be going, but I don't think that. I am able to use the skills I have developed as an adult and know that facilitating a good relationship with their dad (and his new partner) is in their best interests going forwards

@MintMatchmaker

Does his Mum have a new partner or has she previously? Has your boyfriend introduced anyone other than you to him?

I’m wondering if he sees previous relationships as being a negative experience for him in terms of parents time and attention and this is making him anxious?

Is your partner able to discuss with his son’s Mum what’s going on?

I wondered this too

This is so tricky, OP.

What you are basically finding is that children are unpredictable and don't follow an expected pattern. This is actually, in a nutshell, the thing I found hardest about having my own children! In other areas of your life (education, work, friendships etc) you generally find that if you work hard / are nice to people etc then you reap the benefits. With children you can try really hard to do everything 'right' and still end up with a baby who won't sleep or a toddler who keeps hitting other children or a teen with an eating disorder or whatever else.

This is what you're experiencing now. I do disagree with your word 'pandering' because to me that implies a child who is allowed to be spoilt or naughty whereas this boy seems to be in genuine distress. But I also understand your viewpoint and I think it's natural that you want to move the relationship along (especially as you're 36 and want children of your own).

There's no easy solution to this one.

You need to lose the rigid thinking. You can't put a time frame on how long it will take the boy to adjust. He is getting older and things will improve, but you have to be guided by the child. The child seems to be quite sensitive by nature, so he has to take things slowly.

I met DP when her DD was 11. We took it slow. I wasn't introduced for over a year. I didn't stay over when DD was around for at least 2 years. We (3) moved into a new house together after 3.5 years (with DD's buy-in). Fast forward 5 years and some things remain very difficult. DP is a disney mom (much guilt and pandering; DC rules the roost). I can't always be wrong, but I'm apparently almost never right. Despite me being very patient, kind, caring and empathetic, I now feel extremely resentful that my needs always come last, that DD has never truly accepted me, that DD takes so much but even as an adult gives literally nothing back, that DP is unable to value my opinions on how to support/parent DD. As someone else said, you can never "win". And this is without the massive complexity of me wanting my own DC.

The child is only 10. He has to come first. He might have very real problems that need time, patience and understanding. You already sound frustrated, and you haven't even begun the difficult part of trying to live together or introduce new children. It's not the child's fault. If you and DP aren't on the same page now, just imagine how it will be in several years if he's still a Disney Dad, if his DS is still struggling and your family is growing. This will only work if you're all on roughly the same page, and have a shared vision of a future life together.

Give him more time
Please

@Restlessinthenorth

I'm with you on this. I think the stance people take on this on here might seem admirable but it's not particularly practical or often proportionate. I'm trying to think if my DSS had said that he wouldn't come here (and he has said this about both households lots of times, over childish, frivolous things) because of me, whilst his behaviour once here seemed totally happy and fine - would we have delayed moving in together, massively complicating all other factors such as our financial position, distance from one another, let alone the emotional side of things? His son is only around EOW, if I were to go out on the Saturday that would be most of their time together without me.

No, I don't think that would have been on the cards, really. The vast majority of my DPs life happens when DSS isn't there, he does have to slot into it unless there's a strong reason why not. My DP would have talked to him about it all and given him a chance to share his feelings, and if he chose not to say much like OPs SS, then DP would have done the talking. But ultimately, would we have just not moved in together until he decided that suited him? No, he would have had to get used to it. There were a whole lot of other considerations at play besides just his opinion on it.

Fwiw @Lam33 you have not done anything wrong, you’re not doing Anything wrong, but your dp is and even though there are things he could be doing to help his son, he’s not doing anything

If I were you, I’d suggest a split from each other, with the aim that he does whatever it takes to fix the issues his son is having and then see where you’re each fixed

But you don’t hang on for him, you won’t wait if a better partner comes along

He needs to see that he has to get his priorities straight and that’s making sure his son has the support he needs AND he has plans for how he wants his life to be once he’s past this issue.

@aSofaNearYou if my DSS had said that he wouldn't come here (and he has said this about both households lots of times, over childish, frivolous things) because of me, whilst his behaviour once here seemed totally happy and fine but's that not's the case here, is it? OP says the child is crying at school and crying when he's with his dad. He doesn't seem happy and fine at all.

but's that not's the case here, is it? OP says the child is crying at school and crying when he's with his dad. He doesn't seem happy and fine at all.

Yes I know that, that was a very minor part of my comment, it doesn't really change any of what I said.

@Clickbait In the OP's third post she says that when the child is with them he is happy and chats away fine.

[quote Restlessinthenorth]@Clickbait In the OP's third post she says that when the child is with them he is happy and chats away fine. [/quote]
This is what she says in her op

crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

Doesn’t scream “fine” to me when with them

Doesn't seem fine to me either

Well no it doesn't sound fine, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like something that is automatically super serious behaviour from a child, either... I'd say it's probably somewhere in the middle.

I would say a ten year old crying at school and when he sees his dad is the opposite of fine. My oldest two are 11 & 9 years old and if they were regularly crying and distressed at school I’d be really worried. He sounds like a really insecure and unhappy little boy who needs support and security on the three days a fortnight he spends with his dad.

Well, it's a tricky situation but I think it'd be massively unfair to put a 10 year old in charge of his father's relationships.

Supporting him and moving the relationship forward don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Oh I'm sorry your dealing with this, being a step mum is hard and often tricky

You have to remember it's called mumsnet for a reason and most of the people being harsh are mums from the other perspective and it's easy to say give it years (if not ideally dad wouldn't move on with anyone) if you haven't lived in the stepmom world.

Most dads feel guilty for not seeing their kids as much as they would like and sometimes can turn into a Disney dad (have a google) and let the kids get way with murder. My DD dad is a Disney dad before anyone wants to @@ me

It does take time but I would do a few things.

Spend one and one on time with you and DSS doing something Uber fun (obviously asking DS if he would like to do that fun thing and check with both dad and mum)

Still move in, because he's a child and he has to accept that he doesn't control the whole house (that entitled logic becomes a nightmare in teenage years).

On their weekends or time - vanish. Literally into air and say ok daddy time and go do whatever. Never interrupt or hover.

Have house rules and stick to them (Disney dads hate this - it's not the kids issue but the dads usually)

Good luck - the stepmum threads always get a hell of a lot of heat

Expected to be hated in the teenage years but hope that when it comes out of it he will see you were fair and kind.

Great post @newomums.

Expected to be hated in the teenage years but hope that when it comes out of it he will see you were fair and kind.

Sadly true IME. Teenagers look for a target and often the "wicked stepmum" is the easiest one. Disney dads don't do anything about it as they see they aren't being targeted, feel guilty blah blah.

I wouldn't move in, but that's because I'd be running like hell. Moving in and disappearing when SS is there should be fine for the SS, while he gets used to it. And, I don't think he is being spoilt or being pandered to here. He seems to genuinely be struggling. But what happens along the line when op has her own baby. Do they both vacate the premises every weekend her do has the SS? How long is disappearing viable when op is clear she wants DCs, and fairly soon I'm guessing due to her age.

The pp who said it was somewhere in the middle of normal for 10 yo to keep bursting into tears btw... um...what?!

I think adults might look back on their step parents and think more fondly of them. But not teenagers.

This is the issue here. Its not about the 10 year old making decisions for his dad's relationships, really.

Its about a man who will take a back seat while resentment builds between his partner and his child and act like it's got nothing to do with him or his actions.

The pp who said it was somewhere in the middle of normal for 10 yo to keep bursting into tears btw... um...what?!

That was me, and honestly I don't see why it is shocking. I said it was probably in the middle in terms of likelihood to be over something really serious. Everyone on this thread is totally convinced that he is deeply struggling, that his desire to have his dad to himself comes from something really deep within. Well, my honest opinion is that 10 year old's, particularly sensitive one's with Disney dad's, do often cry over minor things or to get their own way. It could be either one or somewhere in the middle, imo.

My DSS would cry over just not wanting to do things (school), not being the centre of attention (obviously relevant here), being overtired, feeling hard done by because in his view he hasn't been spoilt enough (bought things on days out etc). So yes, to a degree, I do think it's normal for a 10 year old to burst into tears. It depends what is behind it. If it were my DSS, it probably wouldn't be something serious enough or positive enough for his development for the adults involved to make major decisions based on it.

That said, I'm of the same opinion as you in that if I were OP I would be running for the hills and that this situation could cost her the opportunity to have her own child.

@HiHoSylvie

Great post *@newomums*.

Expected to be hated in the teenage years but hope that when it comes out of it he will see you were fair and kind.

Sadly true IME. Teenagers look for a target and often the "wicked stepmum" is the easiest one. Disney dads don't do anything about it as they see they aren't being targeted, feel guilty blah blah.

I wouldn't move in, but that's because I'd be running like hell. Moving in and disappearing when SS is there should be fine for the SS, while he gets used to it. And, I don't think he is being spoilt or being pandered to here. He seems to genuinely be struggling. But what happens along the line when op has her own baby. Do they both vacate the premises every weekend her do has the SS? How long is disappearing viable when op is clear she wants DCs, and fairly soon I'm guessing due to her age.

The pp who said it was somewhere in the middle of normal for 10 yo to keep bursting into tears btw... um...what?!

I think personally that I would really encourage the OP to spend some one on one time with SS because then she can be the fun parent and leave the actual parenting to the dad. I call it returning awkwardness to sender and I make sure everyone knows the house rules which we all came up together with both kids myself, DH and (also asked SD mum to say ok what is a big no no at your house - so we don't have to play favourite houses)

Re baby making I get the age makes this problematic - I would also say unless OP is hyper fertile it may take time anyway. I would make sure she has a bond with DS first. Really can't underline this enough. Ideally get in a good space with the mum if possible. Focus on what's best for the family.

I have a toddler (v different age granted) that we go outside, park or to playroom when DH has our SD and I make a point to say ok daddy daughter time and go focus on my DD and funnily enough we come together at dinner time. Everyone worries about the first kid when trying for second, I think it's normal. I think it's how you handle it is the key.

The low points are so low but the highs are just mind blowing. I can't speak for the crying, every kid acts out in change - not all cry but all act out. I would also say we shouldn't assume this is why he's acting out, it could be so many things.

Get comfortable with being considered evil step mum and knowing your not and love them harder than they hate you (sometimes they will love/like you and love them hard too). It's a thankless task, you will never do it right in some people's eyes but you get to help shape a person and that is a prilivage that will give you grey hairs .

Keep strong. Follow your instincts. Finding a man without a kid at his age usually means he's far to selfish to be a decent person. Assess abs review in 6 months is my vote