Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

[Lam33]

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

We’ve literally done everything textbook so far. Deliberately taken our time not rushed. Whilst I do understand children come first I don’t see how it should be they come first ALL the time.

'Textbook' doesn't always work, for every child. People do things the right way, maximise good outcome. It doesn't gaurentee it. And parents need to be able to adapt the textbook techniques when they aren't working.

He isn't coming first ALL the time. This is one of the time he should be coming first. This is a massive event in his life.

Children need to learn to adapt as life throws all manners of curveball and change. It’s completely unreasonable to expect adults to put their lives on hold to appease a child. I’m not wanting to appear unsympathetic I do really understand it must be different but its not necessarily a ‘bad’ different. My partner does admit he’s allowed him to rule the roost and be pandered to in the past. My thoughts are that maybe this also plays a part in his difficulties adapting

Children need stability. When they have a stability, that's when they learn to be able to adapt to other changes and 'curveballs' if they don't have the stability to start with, it's more difficult.

And at his age, no he won't have learned that and forcing this isn't going to teach him to accept curveballs. It will just cause more damage. He isn't an adult or fully emotionally developed.

You say your partner does let him rulebook roost? So how are you going to be with that when you move in? You don't want to accept his parenting style, so what happens when you move in? And his parenting style is still something you don't agree with?

Because that's a recipe for disaster.

Because this isn’t your child you’re being impatient, inconsiderate and your tone and words say more than you think.

I hope his father continues to spend that little time alone with his son, without you and your resentment of it.

Sooner or later, your attitude will 100% cause problems between you and your partner. This situation isn’t for you.

I think this child needs counselling. Has he had any professional help in the past to cope with his parents splitting up?

Agree with PPs re you having your own babies with your DP - how would your stepson cope with that?

I don't think you are a bad person or even a bad, potential, parent.

But I think you really don't have a realistic view of what its like for kids only seeing one parents for limited periods and then realising they will need to share with that parents partner.

Children who were young at the time of the split can suffer just as kids who's families split when they are older.

I don't think you have a realistic view of how hard this is all going to be.

Ok.

Look at your timetable

You’re 36.

You delay moving in because he’s struggling really badly…

So you wait a little longer because things don’t change or worse, he has a complete break down because nobody is pandering to him and the school are being crap…

So time goes and you’re now 37…

You move in

There is a lot of negative reaction to that, your relationship with dp suffers cos he has to prioritise a very irrationally upset kit
And you have to walk on eggshells
You then have to let the dust settle, which will take a while

You’re 38

You consider starting a family

And now you’re 39 or 40

Who knows if dss will be any better by this or if he’s stopped coming altogether

Your relationship suffers cos dp can’t and won’t deal with it

You may take a while to fall pregnant

What If dss reacts badly to your pregnancy? What happens when baby is born and he is the the sole child in the mix

Dp ex - what if she starts causing issues because of how her ds is behaving

You have more relationship currency than he does. I would never have recommend anyone without kids gets involved in other someone who has kids, you can never win

You deserve better than this

It’s a shortish relationship and it’s not working on far too many v important levels.

We’ve literally done everything textbook so far.

Children don't get to read the textbook so it's unfair to be annoyed by this.

@Lam33

So we were together 7 months before I was introduced. We met for the first few times on neutral ground like the park etc then built up to dinner etc. It was another 6 months before I’d stay the night.

At the start i wouldn’t be there at all on their weeknight together. Gradually I started spending some of the weekend. Usually they go off to the park and I’ll go into town or do my own thing then meet them for dinner or lunch. Obviously as time has gone on I’m around more. I never get involved with bedtime and I don’t look after him alone

If you've been together 18 months introduced to him at seven months and then started sleeping over six months after that putting you at 13 months together and and increasing the time your around from then, that's about six months ago and if you say his emotional distress has escalated over the last six months then it does kind of sound like he's struggling.

The fact you say he's fine when he's there suggests he's bottling his worries up and that could be for many reasons, he might just not want to upset his dad. 10 is a tricky age because they're old enough to understand what's going on and he might not feel comfortable talking to his dad or his mum in case he makes any of you cross.

You and his dad might be emotionally ready to merge your lives but something is upsetting this boy and if he feels unable to talk about it then I do think it's unwise to go ahead moving in together. He might be worried you plan to have another baby and what that would be like for him.

I really struggled at a similar age when my dad remarried and I bottled things up because I knew for a fact my dad would go back and tell his girlfriend what I'd said and I couldn't talk to my mum for the same reason, she'd tell my Dad. My Dad was an arsehole though and my reasons for struggling are different but it's possible he could be feeling worried about speaking to his dad or mum because he doesn't want to upset anyone which is why I think I'd hold off pushing forward and moving in.

Maybe some kind of counselling for them both, for his son to feel safe speakihh my about what's bothering and for his dad on how to handle it so he gets his son to a point he can talk and not be crying at school and then maybe with you too.

That doesn't make you a bad person or mean that you're doing anything wrong but sometimes the future is scary for children and they aren't as ready at the same time as adults.

I think you took it sufficiently slow and sensible. I don't think another 2 years would make things better as he will become a teenager. I also think your partner needs to involve a professional therapist to see why is the boy is so distressed to the extend that he is crying at school. He should also try to engage his ex if possible to see what is going on.
You personally need to reassess if you need all these problems in your life

I agree with other posters, something is/ has unsettled the child. Are the parents looking to get him some counselling?
Also, did the child continue to have structure and routine over lockdowns or was contact interrupted for any period of time?

I understand your question and the challenge is that no one here can really answer your question of ‘how much longer.’ This could be a phase and it could settle as the child gets older, it may not.

The reality is that one night a week and EOW is not a lot of contact. And a lot of children in these situations need 121 time and attention. Some transition and adapt to partners, some don’t.

Your DP essentially has contact 4 nights a fortnight (or 5 if EOW is 3 nights). Leaving 9-10 days free for you and him. What’s pushing you into wanting a 24/7 set up?

For a start you need to stop looking at putting a child’s feelings first as “pandering.”

The child does come first, and the reality is that he doesn’t have to accept you, or his father’s relationship with you. As hard as that is.

I’ll be blunt, if my DP told me that he didn’t feel we should pander to DS and should carry on and move in together it would be my DP who got the boot. i wouldn’t stay with a man who talked about my child that way. A partner is dispensable, a child isn’t.

This situation isn’t working for you. You need to walk away now before he shows you the door or worse, before he puts you ahead of his child and the child suffers as a result.

@Lam33

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I just feel there could be a balance. We’ve literally done everything textbook so far. Deliberately taken our time not rushed. Whilst I do understand children come first I don’t see how it should be they come first ALL the time. Children need to learn to adapt as life throws all manners of curveball and change. It’s completely unreasonable to expect adults to put their lives on hold to appease a child. I’m not wanting to appear unsympathetic I do really understand it must be different but its not necessarily a ‘bad’ different. My partner does admit he’s allowed him to rule the roost and be pandered to in the past. My thoughts are that maybe this also plays a part in his difficulties adapting

There is a balance. It's not all or nothing unless you choose that's Have your relationship, but don't move in. It's what you want, but clearly not what this child needs right now.

When I think of my own DSC at 10 I don't think they would have handled me moving in as well as they did (they were younger) it's a tricky age for kids from then on into the teen years. I think you either have to wait a bit longer or move on I think.

My partner does admit he’s allowed him to rule the roost and be pandered to in the past. My thoughts are that maybe this also plays a part in his difficulties adapting

Of course this is important. Divorced Dad Guilt is really common (I know he wasn't in a relationship with dss mum ) hence the pandering compared to a dad who lived with his son.
The big question is whether your partner is happy to stop being a Disney Dad. If he is, it's going to take time before this poor boy who is traumatised at school starts coping. There's a big risk that he may never accept things and stop coming. Dss is rapidly approaching an age where a judge would say that he could choose whether or not to see Dad.
I agree with your partner that it's not you - he'd be acting like this with any partner of his and there's nothing that you need to change or do. Many divorced dads do what your partner does and put their head in the sand which creates this problem.
My ex ended up in the same situation with our kids and as a result he lives with his gf but never has our kids overnight because they refuse to go. He sees them but only for the day or holidays where his gf doesn't come which was his solution to the problem. It has negatively affected their relationship but I guess that was a price that he was willing to pay. It helps that he didn't have more children with his gf but it's very sad.

Its been a really hard 18 months for everyone including children. Really think you need to give this one more time. He is a child and needs it, if your relationship is strong enough then there's no issue is there.

Does his mother have a partner , live in or otherwise , and do you want to have children of your own ?

I’m just saying we’ve been patient all this time and we are running out of ways to reassure him

His Dad has pandered for 10 years so he's not going to be able to reverse that in 18 months. Has he even sought help from a professional?

I am wondering has his dad pondered or is the dad saying that so he appears to be agreeing with you?

This is more than a child stamping his feet because he is used to getting his own way.

@Lam33

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I just feel there could be a balance. We’ve literally done everything textbook so far. Deliberately taken our time not rushed. Whilst I do understand children come first I don’t see how it should be they come first ALL the time. Children need to learn to adapt as life throws all manners of curveball and change. It’s completely unreasonable to expect adults to put their lives on hold to appease a child. I’m not wanting to appear unsympathetic I do really understand it must be different but its not necessarily a ‘bad’ different. My partner does admit he’s allowed him to rule the roost and be pandered to in the past. My thoughts are that maybe this also plays a part in his difficulties adapting

I agree that you can’t let him dictate your lives. I think his dad should start to form the behaviours he expects from his son when you’re not there. You don’t want the child to think that the changes/discipline is because of you.

If your partner has a tendency to pander then how does he imagine living with you and him will go? I've seen too many posts on here by women who end up cleaning while their partner games all day and allows the child to turn their nose up at food that the woman has cooked.

Men like that often end up treating their first born very differently to their second born and the whole household gets ready for visits by child 1 as if the Queen was going to visit with outings and special snacks etc

This kid has known the OP less than a year.

Moving in together after 18 months in a child free relationship is absolutely fine. Moving in after that time when there is child involved, who has no doubt just had the most difficult year of his life, is not.

Pandered to or not, it's too soon.

I think you're entitled to say that this situation isn't working for you. You're 36 and I think you mention you want children of your own. The risk of putting that on hold for the next few years is that it doesn't happen for you. In your shoes, I'd be reassessing what was most important to me... this relationship or children of my own in the future. Your DP doesn't have any right to ask you to wait around on the off-chance that his son might accept the relationship in a few years time. And, tbh, if you do stay together and have a child, it sounds like a lot of baggage with DSS and your DP's Disney dad parenting. Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of that for your life together?

@Ladylokidoki

I don't think you are a bad person or even a bad, potential, parent.

But I think you really don't have a realistic view of what its like for kids only seeing one parents for limited periods and then realising they will need to share with that parents partner.

Children who were young at the time of the split can suffer just as kids who's families split when they are older.

I don't think you have a realistic view of how hard this is all going to be.

I really agree with this.

I separated from DS's Dad when DS was a few months old - so he wasn't part of a big break up etc. When he was little, I used to feel relieved that he hadn't witnessed anything etc.
When DS was aged 7-11 he had an awful time at coping with anything. Used to cry to come home from his Dad etc. We asked for help from school, and it transpired that he was just so confused. Whilst it's a bonus not being involved in the separation, what was not ideal (our fault) was that nothing had ever been explained to him. He had no idea what had happened, life just continued with this contact arrangement. He was so confused, and we thought it was a good thing that he wasn't aware of anything - it wasn't.

It is tough, and he is IMO at a tricky age. I feel if you can't give him time, like others have said - this isn't the situation for you

Have to agree with some of the PPs here saying it's way too soon. My DS only met my BF at 15months in, together nearly 3yrs and have absolutely no intention of moving him into the house I share with DS. His sons bad behavior and emotional struggles have obviously coincided with your increasing presence in his life and to be honest, his Dad sounds a bit shit to not be paying more attention to this and to be still charging ahead with moving you in.

Some of the language you're using is a bit worrying too - 'pandering' to the child for example. Taking his emotional struggles and needs into account and prioritizing them is not pandering... it's being a parent. They also don't have 'loads of one on one time' together... they have maybe 8 days a month???
To be honest, after reading your OP and replies, I just feel really sad for this boy - his feelings, emotions and needs should come first above your need to move on with your relationship at all costs and neither of you sound like you care as much as you should.
It's sounds like you'd be doing all three of you a favor by realizing this is not the right relationship for any of you.

@MzHz

I’m not one to spout the usual crap about kids come first alway, because they shouldn’t do.

But this kid’s having an irrational reaction to change in his dads life, his dad is a massive panderer and you’re ALWAYS going to come last

Seriously, you don’t have time to waste if you want a family of your own

It’s not this guy. His situation won’t suit you

I agree with this about the OP will always come last and shouldn't waste her time with this guy.

Op, my dp and I have been together 3 years. I still have not met his dd, although he has met and gets on well with my dc. She is not ready and I will never expect him to force the issue. If she doesn't want to meet me, that's the way it is. We will not live together until they are all into adulthood (lots of reasons why - won't bore you here).

It works because kids need to know that they are still important. If your dp's ds knows you're planning to move in together, he may be feeling like he'll be pushed out. It's not 'pandering' to acknowledge that he might have a fear of abandonment. I speak as one whose mother married 5 times - 4 during my childhood and mid teens. It can be very unsettling.

I'd put the brakes on for now and just play things by ear for a bit. Take the pressure off and see what happens. It's not forever