Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

[Lam33]

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

@aSofaNearYou

My perspective think it's usually not a SDC selfishness issue more a Disney dad type issue not allowing house rules to be followed issue. But tomato tomatoe. I supposed now I think of it Disney parenting is a type of selfishness because it rarely benefits the child in the long term. Or anyone actually

I agree with you there.

And regards your last comment, I meant no offence when I questioned your description of the highs of step parenting, I wasn't trying to discredit your positive experience. I just thought that was a bit of a risky thing to promote to OP as if that will be her experience, when I don't actually know many step parents who feel that way. Great if you do, but people can sleep walk into these situations because that is the rhetoric they have heard, and it can also be an incredibly stifling expectation once they are already in the situation, feeling no such highs but unable to talk to anybody about it, because everybody expects them to and judges them for not. It's a societal expectation I think could do with being dismantled. Yes people often get ripped a new one for saying they don't feel that way. That's exactly why I questioned your words, to warn OP that if she stays on board that's quite likely NOT to be her reality, and also to help normalise that fact.

No got you in one. I absolutely should have read the room better.

It's definitely not and remains not a walk in the park. Really seems variable on the man your with. I think this is less about the child and more about the OP having to function with having her hands tied behind her back.

Speaking of lows my SC has broken our shed window I need to go fix but wanted to clear things up

@newomums But if your partner has kids and you wanna stay with him, you kinda have to find some joy in it or your life's gonna be pretty tough.

This incorrect for many. I have very little to do with the kids and my life is great.

@Lam33

I think all you can do is continue as you are, so that his son sees nothing will majorly change for him even if you do live there.

I'd also potentially try and do some things with him just you two? Even just in the house, like baking or something. Give him a reason to enjoy your company too.

I do sympathise, it's such a tough situation to work through. But ultimately it sounds like you all have his welfare at heart and he does need assistance to come through this emotional period.

Defensive no baffled yes - (not specifically by your comments and I didn't actually mean to quote you btw my mistake) . I think people can pick apart a post and ignore other elements and it all gets a bit weird.

Thanks for the clarification.

I was actually agreeing with you regarding the highs. :)