Stepson doesn’t want to come because of me

[Lam33]

My partner has a son who’s 10 and we have been together 18months. We are just getting organised to get ready to move in together- me to his place while I’ll rent mine out.

I’ve made a real effort to get to know his son gradually and be respectful of the relationship he has with his dad. For background, there was no messy breakup etc as his mum and dad were never actually in a relationship. However his son’s emotions and behaviour have slowly been escalating over the past 6 months or so. Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there.

They get plenty of one on one time and I don’t push boundaries, tell him off or try to mother him. My partner doesn’t think the issue is necessarily me but just the fact his dad has someone else and his son is no longer the centre of attention 24/7. Prior to me my partner wouldn’t even do any housework on a weekend as that would interrupt their time together but naturally when you meet someone there is a change to routines.

Can anyone advise on how we play this? My heart breaks for my partner who’s also been close with his son and I don’t want them to lose out on their relationship. I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I won’t come over for a while when he’s there if that wil get him to come but that’s not really the answer either when we are grown adults who want to move forward with our lives.

@Movealongmovealong

No OP you are NOT moving quickly.. you are being considered and respectful.. but also need to think about YOU (you are not allowed ANY consideration in step parent forums - you are literally expected to be a non- person with no feelings and no emotion)

Honestly - you may need to walk away ... not for the child , but for YOU... !!

Agree.

Although, I've found the stepparenting board pretty good on here... usually. But agree, think about yourself and how you want your future to look. People don't say it's a better idea to find a guy with no kids because we're all from the fifties and want everyone to have the perfect nuclear family. It's from experience! Step parenting is hard. It can be great, but so hard and not worth rushing into because this is the guy you happen to be with. There is so much to consider when there's another child involved. It can honestly ruin your life!

So, think carefully, be selfish and don't let your DP take advantage of your good nature. I'm sure he's lovely, but parenting is hard and sometimes it's tempting to rely on someone else to do the heavy lifting if they make themselves available.

@Brazilianut

Because this isn’t your child you’re being impatient, inconsiderate and your tone and words say more than you think.

I hope his father continues to spend that little time alone with his son, without you and your resentment of it.

Sooner or later, your attitude will 100% cause problems between you and your partner. This situation isn’t for you.

I agree with this.

I met my stepson aged 4.

We went through a lengthy court battle to get access & I was painted the colour of mud! Even though, I had always said I would never play mum. I never did!

However, when I was introduced, nothing changed in relation to our living arrangements. For the first few months, I made myself scarce (went to visit family or friends) and was present on the 2nd day of the weekend.

He is now in his 20's and speaks to me about things before his dad and when he came to live with us at 16, he introduced us as his parents. Sat uneasy with me if I'm honest but does show that if you plan to be long term, it will take time but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd suggest carry on doing what you are doing and if you have a reasonable relationship with his mum, all three of you work together to see how best to support him

Crying at school, crying and asking for his mum when he stays with my partner, refusing to come on his day during the week and now he’s refusing to come on his weekends with his dad if I’m there

How does your partner deal with his son's distress? The reality is your boyfriend has to sort this. He needs to be proactive and working to fix it. You would be crazy to move in without an improvement to the situation because you will end up being blamed. The relationship with your boyfriend will deteriorate and you'll waste a good few years trying to fix it.You have the teen years to go through so honestly you don't know the nightmare you could be walking into.

Don't plan to move UNLESS your boyfriend steps up. In my experience the core issue will be with your boyfriends relationship with his son. Maybe he is completely different when you are there (and you'll never know) so his son is nervous of the change in his Dad.

Many women try so hard to fix a step relationship when they are never the cause. Please don't waste years when the signs are there that your boyfriend isn't walking the talk. A motivated partner would have sorted this or at least been trying to get help.

Why is is you on here asking? How many books has he read? How many chats with his Ex? How many counsellors has be spoken to to see who would be a good fit?

Don't ignore the obvious...if he wanted this fixed, it would happen!

@TLKlover love that story!

But were you also at a crucial age for fertility and definitely wanting your own dcs? Because, I don't think op wants to wait it out too much longer. And then when she has her baby (hopefully), how far does she want to go managing her step son's feelings while simultaneously trying to raise a baby as a first time mum? Some people do it of course and it's great. But I just want op not to rush headlong into it without considering how long the long game might be. He isn't going away! Even when / if she's had her own dcs.

Brazilianut
Img lived experience does not agree with this..

Our reality:

Accused my DH of sexually abusing the 4 children. Reality is that he would never ever contemplate anything of the sort... the police took his computer, when the allegations were made (arrested based on her accusations) and not only did he not have child porn in there ... he had no porn sites of ANY kind... however it became clear that the mother was so bitter at him having left that there were no lengths she wouldn't-go to...
but this is mums met .. and therefore mothers are sacrosanct...the children VOLUNTEERED to move to live with us as soon as the court allowed fat aged 12... they are at UNI/ work now and regard us as home... you reap what you sow ... they see their mum on her birthday and Christmas Eve...

Back off. Let them have their time without you. Your DP can tell his son that you're together still but his priority is him and he'll get used to the idea eventually.

Also save this thread and read it again when you've got your own because I bet you'll feel differently about a child always coming first then.

If you don't have tome to waste and don't want a child to run your life you shouldn't have got with a man who had a child.

[quote HiHoSylvie]@TLKlover love that story!

But were you also at a crucial age for fertility and definitely wanting your own dcs? Because, I don't think op wants to wait it out too much longer. And then when she has her baby (hopefully), how far does she want to go managing her step son's feelings while simultaneously trying to raise a baby as a first time mum? Some people do it of course and it's great. But I just want op not to rush headlong into it without considering how long the long game might be. He isn't going away! Even when / if she's had her own dcs.[/quote]
Absolutely. I get that! Being a step-parent is another level of complexity.
I also appreciate that at 36 the tact to take is a whole different ball game compared to my situation!

I have 11 & 13 year old girls now (that my stepson loves and keeps in touch with, without us)

The difference being that OP appears to have a reasonable relationship with mum and although it may mean taking very tiny steps working alongside mum & dad (her partner) to build this relationship, if they all work together it is likely to have a better outcome.

We have been extremely lucky considering the vitriol my stepson was given about us...our relationship with his mum was non existent!

When I had my own children, going through the court battle, I was deemed as the worst mother/person in the world, so I hope OP that you absolutely do not go through this and the relationship with mum continues to be good x

Bearing all of this in mind, I cannot stress enough if you have a good (within reason) relationship with mum, keep that. It saves years worth of hassle.

It may seem like you are forever towing the line & you get all kind of anxiety/anger that your (I.e. yours & partners) children are seen as second class citizens...they aren't but it can feel like it!

We've come out the other side however I can't comment on how your journey will lead x good luck OP!

I rarely comment on mumsnet tbh but I think this one touched a chord :-D x

I think your posts are great and insightful and insist we hear more from you @TLKlover

It isn't that it's a terrible road to go down or that it never works. It is just more complicated than you might think and all of the emotions you describe sound accurate to me. So, op needs to be prepared for that. If she isn't, at this stage, I don't think she should hang around if she really wants her own dcs. Rushing to have them with this guy, if only because he's there and able, would be a short term convenience for long-term inconvenience, being blunt. If it's "the one" and she's willing to put her chance to have kids on hold, possibly even miss out on the chance to have them to put her dss first so they can be together, come what may, or else suffer the consequences if they go for it and it goes to pieces with her dss, that's one thing. But if it's just because she wants DC's of her own and this seems like the most expedient way to do it. Noooooooooo! Run away!

@dopeyduck

Also save this thread and read it again when you've got your own because I bet you'll feel differently about a child always coming first then.

If you don't have tome to waste and don't want a child to run your life you shouldn't have got with a man who had a child.

Exactly this!

Before I had DD, I would've used language liken"pandering", "where do we draw the line", "he just needs to adapt" etc

After having DD my views completely changed.

After experiencing divorce and co-parenting of DD. My views couldn't be any more polar to yours.

Delaying moving in is what any decent parent who wanted to prioritise their dc would do.
What is your DPs view? Does he just want to plough ahead and move in with you or is he less sure now!

Also, I assume you both have your own places now? If so, is living together 10 ays out of 14 not enough for you? If not, does that not give you an inkling of how this poor boy feels if he only gets 4 out of 14?

Op I think what you want for your life and this situation are just not compatible. None of this is your fault, it is due to timing, what has happened in this child’s life before you came along and your DP.

If you really want your own kids I would end this. An existing child will and should take priority over future kids from the point of view of their own parents. DS is at an age where he probably is worried that you will have DC soon and where will that leave him?

Time is not on your side at 36. Your DP is likely going to say kids are off the table until DS is again happy and content. That’s as it should be for DS but not very fair on you.

You say DP agrees that DS needs counselling but won’t organise it and also when DS is there does everything with him and doesn’t even do housework. He’s really giving off Disney dad vibes. Over time you will get more and more resentful of this behaviour. And it’s clearly very entrenched.

I’d really re-evaluate what you want for your life and whether it’s possible to get it within this relationship. As an outsider looking in, it doesn’t feel like it is.

OP, what you gage to be " plenty of alone time " may not be what the son experiences as " plenty of alone time.

Time lost with a child can never be recaptured. Children get only one childhood.

Discovering the cause of the anxiety and shifts in behavior should be a priority issue for both of his parents. It may or may not have anything to do with you, but if your presence triggers the child's anxiety that should be taken into account.

Before you move into the home, the child should see both a physician and a therapist to help determine the cause of the current issues.

Nothing prohibits you and your partner from continuing your relationship without living together. Just as a child has to learn that the world does not revolve around his or her wants ,so must adults learn to delay gratification sometimes when the situation dictates that to be the most appropriate course of action.

If your relationship is not strong enough to withstand a few months of delayed gratification, it may not be nearly as strong or binding as you seem to think. Better to find that out now rather than later when it may be more difficult to untangle.

If you definitely want kids then this isn't the relationship for you.

Its not going to be fixed overnight and may not be resolved at all if you move ahead on your timetable. If you try to bring a child into this situation too soon you could end up with two unhappy children and you as a single parent. Then your own child could be getting distressed about their dad moving in with someone else.

This child is clearly having some mental health issues and anxiety is through the roof. He should take priority right now above everything, not because he's a child but because he's a human being in distress who needs his dad's support. Everything else should go on the back-burner. If this doesn't get supported properly then it could escalate further. So yes 'pandering as you put it is exactly what the boy needs right now, whereas personally I'd call it parenting.

This isn't the relationship for you if you want to stick to your timetable and if your partner were a decent dad, his son would be his sole focus right now.

I think because this is not your child you see the situation very differently. Obviously it is extremely annoying/agonising/heartbreaking to think you've tried to do everything by the 'textbook' and it hasn't worked out. However, most parents would never put a new relationship over the relationship they have with their child. I cannot imagine pushing ahead with a boyfriend moving in if my child was as unhappy as you describe your partner's child to be. Crying at school is very unusual. It would be inconceivable that I could 'draw the line' and push ahead regardless.
I know a few single parents who simply are not pursuing serious relationships as they feel it is not beneficial to their children to introduce a new adult into the house.

Unfortunately, only time will possibly resolve this, but if you don't feel you are able to put your life on hold in this way(which is totally understandable), I think you need to walk away.

Op this is such a tricky situation.

My main concern right now is the fact that your DP hasn’t actually done anything to move the counselling aspect forward.
Most schools can help to arrange this (even if it’s private counselling) so that it takes place within the school. It’s not difficult to get the ball rolling.

Do you know why he’s not actually done anything? Does he actually see that there is a problem or is he minimising it?

I think some of the comments on here to you OP, are rude and patronising. You clearly took a respectful and grown up approach to meeting him, which was not rushed in anyway.

What jumps out to me is that school don't really seem that concerned about what is going on. Our school would be jumping all over a 10 year old who is crying routinely at school. Are you sure you are getting an accurate account of what is going on? Especially as it doesn't seem particularly congruent with the behaviour you describe when he is actually with you?

Also, what do you know about the mums behaviour? Do you think she might be in any way encouraging him to not want to be at his dads? I have sadly seen this on more than one occasion.

Aside from all this, I would kindly say, just move on. Step kids are hard (mine are hard to me and I know my kids are hard for their step mum!). This does not sound like a situation that is going to resolve any time soon, and frankly your partner sounds like he is doing nothing to actually get it sorted.

Tricky situation but it sounds as though the child has issues anyway. Don't delay your happiness, he may never be ok with you moving in.

Just do it and he'll adjust or he won't. You can't live your lives for a 10 year old who obviously has problems.

Would your finances stretch to providing some child counselling for him?

You sound really considerate but the poor lad sounds like he’s in a bad place at the moment.

Do ppl even read OPs post?
The parents have never been together, the child hasn’t experienced a breakup. I’d be more concerned that your DP is a Disney dad and has completely pandered to his son, his DS has now realised he isn’t the centre of attention and has to accept his dad has someone else in his life.
I agree OP we cannot revolve our every decision around kids. The upset is at school not when with you, his parents need to find a way to get him to talk about what is upsetting him.

Your DP should be fixing this - counselling etc.
Is he concerned that you have a limited time if you plan a baby?
I would start looking around for someone else (meanwhile letting this pan out, DSS could have some other issue causing the upset that no one has discovered, but at this rate isn't going to discover)

Just do it and he'll adjust or he won't. You can't live your lives for a 10 year old who obviously has problems.

Dances isn't that what a parent is actually supposed to do, live their life as a parent putting their child first?

Suppose the OP finds herself as the mother of a distressed child further down the line because her partner has now moved onto another relationship and is taking the same attitude to life. No wonder child mental health issues are rife if the parents are thinking 'hey I've only got one life, screw everyone else I'm going to do what I want'.

Children are vulnerable and need support. This dad needs to pull his finger out, get to the bottom of the problem with professional help and get the child support before he moves on to self harming or worse.

That's not a go at you btw OP, think you've come at this from a good place, just sounds like you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole in this situation. Time isn't on your side so this could be a situation that stops you having your own kids further down the line or you end up dealing with similar problems with your own child due to all the stress. This child isn't go to go away and his mental health issues will have a significant impact on your future child as well.

I agree with the PPs that this is going to fast and that DC absolutely needs to be priority. The fact his dad isn't doing anything about it is the issue, why does he agree then do nothing?

It might bit be you that's causing the upset and/or it may only be one factor. My dd was really upset about going to her dads for a while. He moved in with his DP and thought that was the issue. My dd was so upset I took her to therapy and it turned out the new partner was only one of 2-3 issues and the others were harder for dd to talk about and/or I don't think she truly understood how she felt about the other issues or how to express it. It was easier for her to say that was what was making her anxious (or maybe she genuinely thought that's all it was as the other things were a bit too complex for her to understand her emotions towards). We had to get to the bottom of all 3 issues and address them all. Addressing the issue about the new partner alone wouldn't have "fixed" things but everything was so intertwined in her head and she just knew she was sad and couldn't fully express why. Therapy was amazing for her

I think if he doesn't see him much it is natural his son is protective of the time they have together

I agree he should try and do some housework etc. At 10 it's not usual for a child to need full attention the whole day. Maybe his son could help him with the chores?