Page 9 | I don't want dog from DH ex relationship

67getago23 · 2021-06-20T17:49:04+00:00

DH has come home and asked if we can take on the dog from his ex which they got together because she is struggling with all her animals. Dh has two kids with his ex We were looking at getting a dog together but I don't want a dog he shared in a home with the ex. I just don't. He thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't get why its a problem when we wanted a dog anyway. But is it so wrong to want something that's not connected with the ex. I accept the kids , the arrangements, being in contact with the ex... Surely I can have my own dog!!!! Sorry to rant I'm just wondering if I am being silly or if step parents would feel similar.

Dollyparton3 · 21/06/2021 15:21

Dog lover here and I adore my little furry mate. But when we got him a few years ago we spent over a year researching the breed that would fit in with our home, our family and our lifestyle. His temperament is amazing, especially when I work from home, he's chilled, low maintenance and well trained since we've had him as a pup.

Would I take on any other person's adult dog? Hell no. Regardless of the circumstances we were very fussy with our choice of pet for a good reason.

There's a multitude of reasons why the dog can impact your life/home/routine/cost of living. And as much as the kids begged me to get a dog with promises of walks and enrichment for the dog, he's 99% my responsibility and a novelty for the kids. Im on the Op's side on this one.

HideousKinky · 21/06/2021 15:23

If your DH does not take the dog, what will happen to it? It needs a loving home and it sounds as if your DH has a sense of responsibility towards it - after all, he did originally decide to get it with his ex

CandyLeBonBon · 21/06/2021 15:25

[quote Rachstep]@CandyLeBonBon

Completely fair enough. My post was more aimed at non SP that don't really understand some of the intricacies and nuances involved in being a SP and that this request might just be the last in a long line of things that the OP has had to accept because she married someone with a past.[/quote]
I get where you're coming from 😊

hownowbrowncowz · 21/06/2021 15:36

If my partner couldn't accept me with my dog, he would be long gone. On an entirely separate level you don't sound in any way mature enough to get a dog.

BBOA · 21/06/2021 15:39

Poor dog. Doesn’t matter where it’s come from, just give it a nice home!

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 15:44

Ok then, well would you judge an adoptive parent for not just wanting to take on the first child offered to them, an 8 year old, when they were thinking of a baby?

In the OPs circumstances, absolutely yes & I'd be surprised if any parent felt otherwise.

Can you imagine the very justified uproar on here, if the OP was talking about her partners 8yo DC who she didn't want to adopt even if he was homeless, because she wanted her own baby instead who had nothing to do with her DPs ex 🤷‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 15:44

@hownowbrowncowz

If my partner couldn't accept me with my dog, he would be long gone. On an entirely separate level you don't sound in any way mature enough to get a dog.

It hasn't been his dog for 5 years.

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 15:45

Poor dog. Doesn’t matter where it’s come from, just give it a nice home!

Exactly @BBOA !,

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 15:54

@SingingInTheShithouse

Ok then, well would you judge an adoptive parent for not just wanting to take on the first child offered to them, an 8 year old, when they were thinking of a baby?

In the OPs circumstances, absolutely yes & I'd be surprised if any parent felt otherwise.

Can you imagine the very justified uproar on here, if the OP was talking about her partners 8yo DC who she didn't want to adopt even if he was homeless, because she wanted her own baby instead who had nothing to do with her DPs ex 🤷‍♀️

Then your whole argument must be based on the idea that it is still "his dog". In that regard, I don't think pets are comparable to kids, they don't continue to be yours once you've given them up. It's been 5 years, unless the dog is very old he must have owned it for a very short amount of it's lifespan before ceasing to be it's owner. I'm not comparing the situation to adopting your partners child, I am comparing it to being called upon to adopt an 8 year old that is not either of your child.

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 16:02

That's fine aSofa, that your prerogative to see it that way, but I'm of the school that a pet is for life, not just for Xmas & therefore her DP still has some responsibilities to the dog as he was involved in adopting it.

He will likely have some emotional attachment to it too, so it's a pretty awful thing to expect him to do, let his ex get rid of one perfectly good dog, so his current partner can have a new one instead. If a partner of mine felt that was an okay thing to do, they'd be gone. I can't stand that sort of ridiculous pettiness & believe in taking full responsibility for pets & kids & would see them in a different light after that

Rachstep · 21/06/2021 16:08

@SingingInTheShithouse

That's fine aSofa, that your prerogative to see it that way, but I'm of the school that a pet is for life, not just for Xmas & therefore her DP still has some responsibilities to the dog as he was involved in adopting it.

He will likely have some emotional attachment to it too, so it's a pretty awful thing to expect him to do, let his ex get rid of one perfectly good dog, so his current partner can have a new one instead. If a partner of mine felt that was an okay thing to do, they'd be gone. I can't stand that sort of ridiculous pettiness & believe in taking full responsibility for pets & kids & would see them in a different light after that

Tell that to the ex that’s trying to palm the dog off on someone else.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 16:10

@SingingInTheShithouse

That's fine aSofa, that your prerogative to see it that way, but I'm of the school that a pet is for life, not just for Xmas & therefore her DP still has some responsibilities to the dog as he was involved in adopting it.

He will likely have some emotional attachment to it too, so it's a pretty awful thing to expect him to do, let his ex get rid of one perfectly good dog, so his current partner can have a new one instead. If a partner of mine felt that was an okay thing to do, they'd be gone. I can't stand that sort of ridiculous pettiness & believe in taking full responsibility for pets & kids & would see them in a different light after that

Except OP said very early on that the ex said she would take the dog back if it didn't work out. So it's not a choice between send it to a shelter or OP adopting it, is it, the ex can keep it and is prepared to, she's just trying her luck.

As a side note, post giving up ownership of a dog he once owned five years ago, he has since chosen to get into a new relationship. If his priority was being available to take the dog if the owner should decide to get rid of the dog, he should have stayed single or made that clear to her when getting into the relationship, because there is no guarantee your new partner will want any dog, let alone that specific one. You cannot simply throw that on a partner years down the line and demand they be ok with it becoming a massive part of their life.

Youseethethingis · 21/06/2021 16:12

If my partner couldn't accept me with my dog, he would be long gone
This would be a fair comment except that the OP is being expected to accept her husband's ex wife's dog. Not his dog that he owned and lived with when they met, which would be an entirely different scenario.

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 16:14

aSofa I would agree with that IF the OP wasn't wanting a different dog. But she is, so it holds no water to me

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 16:16

@SingingInTheShithouse

aSofa I would agree with that IF the OP wasn't wanting a different dog. But she is, so it holds no water to me

What about all the stuff about the dogs behaviour, and preferences regarding breeds?

If I wanted a dog, as OP does, I would want to be very specific and selective about what dog I felt would be safe around my toddler.

FishyFriday · 21/06/2021 16:21

It makes a huge difference that it hasn't been his dog for 5 years.

Unlike a child, the dog became his ex's when they split. There was no ongoing responsibility for it. I'm sure the ex was adamant that it would be 'her dog'.

It'd got about as much to do with some bizarre scenario where the Op might have to adopt her SC because their father was homeless and destitute (I really can't figure out why adopting a child with two living parents is even relevant there) as insisting that the OP must put up some curtains that used to belong to her partner and his ex but his ex has decided she doesn't want them any more on the basis that they were just curtains and it's ridiculous and petty that she might want to choose her own new curtains (with him) that go with their house. Presumably he really liked those curtains when they bought them at the time.

Sure it's a fairly ridiculous comparison, but, unlike a child, both the dog and the curtains are thing someone owns and where the ongoing ownership was decided when the relationship ended. And 5 years later the one who got the dog has decided she doesn't want it any more. It just is not in any way the same as having a stepchild, adopting a stepchild, choosing to have a baby, or anything else to do with children. It's a dog the man hasn't owned for half a decade.

If it wasn't an evil stepmum who doesn't want a dog thread, people would be very annoyed about the irresponsible owner who has too many animals and children and now wants to get rid of a dog she's had for years.

motogogo · 21/06/2021 16:26

Don't be ridiculous, this is his pet! I have my dog here sometimes despite dp not being a dog person, and we have his DD's cat too sometimes. Pets can't be abandoned when relationships break down

IncyWincyFuckingTiredMum · 21/06/2021 16:27

If you didn't want a dog at all I'd say YANBU but considering you do want a dog, whilst I understand what you're saying, I'm not sure how you could reasonably refuse this one and then go and get one anyway. I'd be a bit worried about how that would like to the children. What will happen to the dog if you don't take it?

FishyFriday · 21/06/2021 16:27

@SingingInTheShithouse

aSofa I would agree with that IF the OP wasn't wanting a different dog. But she is, so it holds no water to me

Surely a responsible dog owner will consider the dog they get very carefully in terms of its needs and their household.

Just taking on a dog that your husband's ex no longer wants is in no way carefully considering dog ownership.

Because unlike his children, who will never be optional extra in his life, it's just a dog he used to co-own. And has spent the past 5 years becoming a quite different animal to the one he knew.

You can't even say: well you knew he had a dog when you met him because he didn't have a dog. He used to have a dog which is not the same thing.

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 16:42

It's a dog that has been a no doubt much loved pet belonging to his DCs. Why the hell would he not fight for their dog over some random dog he's never met, why would anyone expect him not to

FishyFriday · 21/06/2021 16:50

@motogogo

Don't be ridiculous, this is his pet! I have my dog here sometimes despite dp not being a dog person, and we have his DD's cat too sometimes. Pets can't be abandoned when relationships break down

But they can. And routinely are.

Courts don't do custody agreements for pet rabbits generally.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 16:54

@SingingInTheShithouse

It's a dog that has been a no doubt much loved pet belonging to his DCs. Why the hell would he not fight for their dog over some random dog he's never met, why would anyone expect him not to

I don't think anyone's saying that?

Original poster

67getago23 · 21/06/2021 18:57

This is just silly- thank you to those sho have voiced common sense.

The more I think about it the more I realise I'm entitled to not want any dog presented to me.

Like I said I have researched appropriate breeds that would fit into our life style

I have also asked for a vet examination
Information on temperament and reactivity.
Recent vet information and information on visits. What is the daily routine they have now.

I'm not a free dog kennels so I will not be covering the holidays any decision will be made after the holidays.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 21/06/2021 19:01

Sounds like you just don’t want to be helping out the ex.
You have no idea whether a puppy would grow up to be reactive or have health issues. You’re being really petty about this.

LetMeIn321 · 21/06/2021 19:04

When my partner and I got together, she had a dog from her previous relationship - a puppy they chose together. He was 18 months old when we met. He's now 10. And I honestly love him to bits, so so much.
I know your situation is a bit different. But I can see why your partner wants the dog. Otherwise, where else will the dog go?