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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want dog from DH ex relationship

292 replies

67getago23 · 20/06/2021 18:49

DH has come home and asked if we can take on the dog from his ex which they got together because she is struggling with all her animals. Dh has two kids with his ex

We were looking at getting a dog together but I don't want a dog he shared in a home with the ex. I just don't. He thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't get why its a problem when we wanted a dog anyway.

But is it so wrong to want something that's not connected with the ex. I accept the kids , the arrangements, being in contact with the ex...

Surely I can have my own dog!!!!

Sorry to rant I'm just wondering if I am being silly or if step parents would feel similar.

OP posts:
80sPadme · 21/06/2021 13:19

I am in this situation, DP has the dog from his former relationship as she said she can't cope. Now she has gone and bought a new puppy and says it's because she wants a pet that is just hers and dsc's 🙄🙄🙄
I have been training the dog alongside DP and now the dog sees me as it's 'human' and ignores DP ex wife.
It's like the dog was always in our family as I have dog when DP away with work.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 13:21

@wifeofspartacus

OP wants to choose her own dog. And so she should. Tbh, if this were not a second wife posting, no one would be bothered. "My husband and I have been thinking of getting a dog. An ex-girlfriend has a dog but can't look after it anymore. I'd rather we choose a dog that suits us. I think the owner of the dog should make other arrangements for her own dog. AIBU?"
Exactly. I keep thinking, would anyone judge someone for not taking on a friend's dog they wanted rid of, just because they happened to want to get a dog themselves? I doubt it.
SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 13:27

Exactly. I keep thinking, would anyone judge someone for not taking on a friend's dog they wanted rid of, just because they happened to want to get a dog themselves? I doubt it.

You'd be wrong I'd guess. I would absolutely judge someone as wanting an accessory rather than a beloved pet, if they refused a dog belonging to a friend & needing a home in favour of buying a different dog. I can't actually get my head around why someone would be so head up their own backside tbh 🤷‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 13:30

You'd be wrong I'd guess. I would absolutely judge someone as wanting an accessory rather than a beloved pet, if they refused a dog belonging to a friend & needing a home in favour of buying a different dog. I can't actually get my head around why someone would be so head up their own backside tbh 🤷‍♀️

For the same reason that someone might have their head so far "up their own backside" that they would have their own child, rather than adopt one that needs a home, I guess? 🤷‍♀️

caringcarer · 21/06/2021 13:33

I could only see a problem if partners ex was going to constantly demand to come round to your place wanting to see the dog. The kids will likely love their dog and blame you if their dog has to be re-homed and you get another dog. Your will go down in your dp's estimations if you refuse after wanting a fog anyway. Is it that you wanted a small dog and this is a big dog?

wifeofspartacus · 21/06/2021 13:37

A dog is a long-term commitment. It's also, for most people, a companion, an emotional support, and a friend. For some people it is security or protection. Choosing the right dog for you is really important. It's also a joy. I really doubt most of the people on here would be happy tp have someone else choose the pet that they are going to have for the rest of its life.

And people who genuinely care about dogs wouldn't want to see a dog go to the wrong home anyway. Which it definitely is when the new owner hasn't had a say in the choice of dog. There are good reasons that experts recommend against surprising people with the gift of a dog.

caringcarer · 21/06/2021 13:41

What if you take the dog, spend months training it, it's behaviour improves and then ex wanted it back? Would it be registered in your DH and your name?

CandyLeBonBon · 21/06/2021 13:43

@Rachstep

I'm sure in the original post the OP directed this question to Step parents. I understand it's a free country/forum and anyone can reply (before any of you jump on me) but i wonder how many people commenting can actually relate to the feelings that a SP goes through in situations like this? I can understand as a SP why she might not want another connection to her DPs ex encroaching into her life. It's a common theme on here that SP's are expected to compromise and accept things they don't want just because they married a guy that happened to have kids and a previous wife. She has every right to say no to this request and i don't think she's being unreasonable in the slightest to do so.
I've been in a very similar situation as a SP. I offered to have the dog as it seemed unfair that the dc would lose the dog altogether otherwise.

As it happens, plans changed, and we didn't need to but I would've.

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 13:46

For the same reason that someone might have their head so far "up their own backside" that they would have their own child, rather than adopt one that needs a home, I guess? 🤷‍♀️

Really Confused kids & pets are hardly the same thing.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 13:48

Is it that you wanted a small dog and this is a big dog?

This would be a consideration for me. Even if choosing a rescue dog, if I wanted one I would only be considering certain breeds. I have a DD and don't want a massive dog lumbering around to deal with.

Rachstep · 21/06/2021 13:54

@CandyLeBonBon

Completely fair enough. My post was more aimed at non SP that don't really understand some of the intricacies and nuances involved in being a SP and that this request might just be the last in a long line of things that the OP has had to accept because she married someone with a past.

MiddleParking · 21/06/2021 14:04

If I wanted a dog (which I never would) and had stepchildren (ditto) there’s no way I’d take the ex’s dog too. He might as well have stayed married to her if he just wants you to take on all the bits of their shared life he enjoyed, like you and his ex are 2D ladies in a sticker book. You don’t have to take on any dog you don’t want for any reason, and that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to choose another dog you do want.

TaraR2020 · 21/06/2021 14:10

See this wouldn't bother me, but I know it does other people. Providing ex has no say over the dog once it moves in I don't think there's an issue. I do struggle to understand the jealousy (?) aspect here but I don't want to unsympathetic.
The dog isn't the ex, and I think it will help to see it (him?) as a completely separate entity.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 14:28

Really  kids & pets are hardly the same thing.

Why do people always bristle at this comparison? I'm not saying they are exactly the same level of responsibility, but effectively the process is the same. Adopting a dog or child that happens to be in desperate need of a home is admirable, yet you wouldn't judge a parent for preferring to have their own.

Hoppinggreen · 21/06/2021 14:36

I love dogs, had them all my life and volunteer for a couple of dog related charities too and I can’t believe some of these awful comments on here
This is not OPs responsibility and it doesn’t sound like her partner wants it either. Save your vitriol for the irresponsible woman who has just decided she has too many animals all of a sudden.
OP wants her own dog, she wants a specific breed she can work with from a puppy not a badly trained reactive and destructive older dog that’s being effectively dumped on her.
I have been involved in rehoming, we carefully match the dog and the new home and “it used to belong to my partners ex” is sure as hell not one of the criteria.

bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 14:44

I think some of the responses you've had are crazy. I think it shows that it really does depend what viewpoint you share from on here because otherway round, every poster would be on your side:

Hi. I am going on holiday in a van and unfortunately, I don't think I can take my dog. If I'm honest, the dog hasn't been trained and frequently destroys things in the home still and I just don't think he will cope in the van. Plus, all my other animals are coming too so I think it will be too much. I have asked my ex husband (who hasn't been in the dogs life for 5 years) and his current partner to take on the dog. His partner for some reason is really not keen. AIBU?"

You really would of been torn to shreds coming at it from the above angle.

SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 14:44

Adopting a dog or child that happens to be in desperate need of a home is admirable, yet you wouldn't judge a parent for preferring to have their own.

But no dog is their own until they actually own it, be it a homed dog needing a new home or otherwise. Your own kids are genetically yours regardless of whether you raise them or not, so I just don't get the comparison at all Confused

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/06/2021 14:47

I can see your point but I think you need to own that unpleasant aspect of yourself and decide not to be that person, unless you know the dog has behavioural issues.

It's a god who needs a home, who is already loved by members of your family. Be open to some love from the dog, they won't care who you are.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/06/2021 14:47

Dog not god ^

Just10moreminutesplease · 21/06/2021 14:52

So it was a shared pet that stayed with the ex when they split? If so he should definitely take it if at all possible. It would be infinitely better for both the dog and children to keep it. And he made a commitment when he chose to get a dog.

If you hated dogs it would be different... but you actively want a dog. I think saying no because it once lived with your partner’s ex is petty and needlessly cruel. The dog didn’t ask for it’s owners to split up.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 14:53

@SingingInTheShithouse

Adopting a dog or child that happens to be in desperate need of a home is admirable, yet you wouldn't judge a parent for preferring to have their own.

But no dog is their own until they actually own it, be it a homed dog needing a new home or otherwise. Your own kids are genetically yours regardless of whether you raise them or not, so I just don't get the comparison at all Confused

Ok then, well would you judge an adoptive parent for not just wanting to take on the first child offered to them, an 8 year old, when they were thinking of a baby?
FishyFriday · 21/06/2021 14:58

@Disfordarkchocolate

I can see your point but I think you need to own that unpleasant aspect of yourself and decide not to be that person, unless you know the dog has behavioural issues.

It's a god who needs a home, who is already loved by members of your family. Be open to some love from the dog, they won't care who you are.

This is so unhelpful. It's not unpleasant or some character fault to not want to adopt this dog.

Dogs are not children. Why should the OP feel bad that she doesn't want a dog that her partner's ex has had for 5 years and no longer wants?

The person at fault here is the ex who no longer wants this 'beloved family pet'. Presumably ownership of the dog was agreed as part of the separation 5 years ago. It's not been her partner's pet for a very long time. It's no one's fault by the ex that she's got too many pets and no longer wants this one. If her children are devastated, that is on her.

I wouldn't want my husband's ex's cast off pets either. Nothing about the situation is comparable to stepchildren - except the logic that wants to blame the SM and malign her character for not mopping up the other adults' mess.

Or did I miss some clause in my marriage vows that means I have to take on pets because my husband has children whose mother has pets and might decide she no longer wants them? Would it make a difference if it were a snake or a spider rather than a dog?

Freyaismyname · 21/06/2021 15:01

Yanbu

FishyFriday · 21/06/2021 15:02

@aSofaNearYou I think the comparison here is about whether you'd judge someone for rejecting an adoption placement an 8 year old who has severe attachment issues in the basis that it would be inappropriate for their family, and waiting instead for a placement for a child who would be, for example, the youngest sibling or whose needs they would actually be able to meet (as much as is foreseeable).

But no. The OP needs to look at the deep flaws in her character because she wants to choose a dog that will be right for her family, rather than taking on a poorly socialised dog because her stepchildren's mother can't be arsed with it anymore?

Lovemusic33 · 21/06/2021 15:04

I think your being ridiculous, not because you don’t want the dog but your reasoning behind it. Would you feel the same if it was one of his kids that wanted to come live with you? I know kids and dogs are not the same but it is a similar scenario.

When I split with my dh we had 2 dogs, he would care for them when ever I went on holiday because they were technically his dogs too. Now they have sadly gone.

It’s just a dog, it’s not part of your ex’s ex and it’s not a part of their relationship. If it’s a nice dog then I wouldn’t hesitate in taking it.

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