I don't want dog from DH ex relationship

[67getago23]

DH has come home and asked if we can take on the dog from his ex which they got together because she is struggling with all her animals. Dh has two kids with his ex

We were looking at getting a dog together but I don't want a dog he shared in a home with the ex. I just don't. He thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't get why its a problem when we wanted a dog anyway.

But is it so wrong to want something that's not connected with the ex. I accept the kids , the arrangements, being in contact with the ex...

Surely I can have my own dog!!!!

Sorry to rant I'm just wondering if I am being silly or if step parents would feel similar.

I get that you are objecting to the dog because that's one thing you CAN actually object to, even if it's irrational.

I've never been in this situation and don't know what's best, but unless I really hated the dog for some other reason I'd just have it. better than sending it to a shelter

PurplePansy05

YABU, big time. You don't understand dog ownership.

And I would second this...

It’s a dog, not their well used sex toy.

It's a living animal, not some second hand possession passed on to you from the ex. Plus presumably stepchildren's much loved pet.

I'd understand if you didn't want to take a dog on at all. But I don't think there's a way you could turn this dog away and get a different one without coming across as a colossal arsehole.

How often is the ex going to be expecting to see this dog once you’ve taken responsibility for it? Will she be popping over to see it etc? If so, that would be a hard no from me. I already have one connection to my DPs ex that I have to deal with, don’t need another.

This one cant be real.

Why?

YAB sooo U!

So a man she had intimate relations with for years is fine, two kids she carried and birthed are fine, but a dog she fed and petted is too much?

I can understand not want items as it can feel like your partner is just trying to slot you into the previous partner’s space but animals form individual relationships with each person. Your interactions with the dog won’t be the same as hers.

Don’t be so spiteful

Firstly I have done a lot of research on breed and breed suitability for our lives.

Secondly I did want a puppy we can train and is our and share those memories

I have spent hours researching what will work for us

With any dog you choose to take into your home , you want to know its health , its temperament and obedience training etc all questions DH doesn't know and ex won't answer.

The ex wouldn't let DH take the dog when relationship broke down, but now wants to give it to us , if it doesn't work she said she will take the dog back.

Quite simply I just want my dog I have chosen with my husband. Not a dog that has lived with the ex for 7 years has had questionable training ( I have seen the damage )

I think I would dislike it as she might have an attachment to the dog and still see it as ‘her’ dog. I don’t know though, it sounds like you’re struggling a bit with the stepchildren maybe, which can maybe cloud your view.

What damage have you seen?? Nothing to stop you getting a second dog at some point. Sounds more like you don’t want it as it’s been “used” by ex.

Yabu. If you didn’t get on with dogs it might be a different discussion but you have said you want a dog and there is one here, your dsc’s, which needs a home.

Aw, poor dog! And poor DH! In his shoes I would have taken it no hesitation.

You can still have your own dog, whether it’s soon and have too or after this one. But this one needs a home and has an existing relationship with your family.

It’s a living loving thing, that may very quickly love you unconditionally. It’s not like going to the same hotel they went to on your honeymoon as they did.

My first dog as an adult we rehomed from MIL who couldn’t keep her. She was the best being I ever met.

This sounds spoiled. It was his pet and remains the children’s pet.
I think it would be awful not to allow it especially then to go out and get another dog.
I

I wouldn't want it either OP, and especially do not think you are being unreasonable if plan B is that she keeps the dog, rather than it be sent to a shelter.

I understand exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, you’re not going to get out of it without a lot of people judging you as PPs are, including your H and the stepchildren, so they’ve got you over a barrel. Clever H 🧐

Would you be able to still get the dog you had planned on at a later date? Maybe that could be ‘your’ dog. It could prevent you sort of feeling like you need to settle. I can understand when you had planned on something specific and now feeling you are being left with an animal with problematic behaviour that you didn’t choose yourself.

your update does put a different spin on it.

so she didnt want him to take the dog when they broke up but because, from what you imply, it's not been trained very well and possibly had behavioural issues that she cannot cope with, she now wants you to take the dog off her hands?

unless she says if you don't that the dog is going to a shelter I would be saying no based on the above. but I would be using that argument with your partner, not the "I dont want a dog your ex has had" because it doesnt carry any weight.

Yabu

It’s his dog and he wants it. Plus your looking for a dog anyway and what’s better than one that already knows the children and can be relied on to some extent?

Honestly? I get this feeling. I was in a relationship with someone with kids and at times I recognize that “I don’t have anything of my own” feeling. But I’ve also had rescue dogs all my life, and every single rescue dog I’ve had has been the absolute best dog in the world. I don’t know if you’ve had dogs before, but they literally don’t care about exes and previous relationships or anything else. They just want to be loved.

If the dog is to come to live at yours, then I think it’s not unreasonable to negotiate boundaries, ie once you take the dog on she can’t ask for it back, she doesn’t get to dog sit, etc, no shared arrangements. It’s either yours or it isn’t. And then enjoy your dog.

It’s a dog that needs a home, you want a dog? I don’t see the problem?

A destroyed sofa , walls chewed , rug ruined and this dog is reactive to other dogs , has no health insurance and recent vet visits due to sores. No other information on temperament and odbience are these not important things ???

With any dog you choose to take into your home , you want to know its health , its temperament and obedience training etc all questions DH doesn't know and ex won't answer.

Why doesn’t your dh know anything about the dog that was his?

If the dog is badly trained then I think you are right to be wary but yabu to write it off because it belonged to the ex.