I don't want dog from DH ex relationship

[67getago23]

DH has come home and asked if we can take on the dog from his ex which they got together because she is struggling with all her animals. Dh has two kids with his ex

We were looking at getting a dog together but I don't want a dog he shared in a home with the ex. I just don't. He thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't get why its a problem when we wanted a dog anyway.

But is it so wrong to want something that's not connected with the ex. I accept the kids , the arrangements, being in contact with the ex...

Surely I can have my own dog!!!!

Sorry to rant I'm just wondering if I am being silly or if step parents would feel similar.

[quote Wolfiefan]@CandyLeBonBon I’m guessing Frenchie.[/quote]
Yeah good call. Pugs are sooooo last year!!

@jimmyjammy001

Poor Dog, what does it matter?! It's not the dogs fault, you choose someone allready married with children, the dog comes with that situation I'm afraid.

Really? The dog comes with it? What about the tumble dryer? Does she get the ex's winter coat? Her china? THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWS.

I always admired that coat.

Why is the OP being criticised?

Ex wife's dog. If we are going to name call then the ex wife is the lazy, good for nothing, uncaring about the kids feelings, selfish bitch, not the OP who just wants to get on with her own life without having to mop up the mess of this other woman. 🤷‍♀️

Ex wife is a grown woman just as the op is. Just because she has kids and an ex doesn't excuse her from taking responsibility over her own life or does it?

@jimmyjammy001

Poor Dog, what does it matter?! It's not the dogs fault, you choose someone allready married with children, the dog comes with that situation I'm afraid.

So silly.

It's a dog not a child, FFS.

I imagine if it were necessary that I needed to have a pet that my kids were fond of removed from our home ( and it would have to be an extreme reason) that my children themselves would ask and expect their father to allow them to bring their pet to the home that they share with him. I would not need to ask him; they would themselves ask .a In a similar situation, if at all possible, the other of us would agree to take in the animal if our kids loved and viewed the animal as a pet.

If there was an allergy situation or constant travel involved, I could understand the other parent saying no, but beyond that I know with certainty that my children's father would home their pet.
If the children have no particular attachment to the animal, then it would be less of an issue, but I would be very concerned if my children had not developed any sense if attachment to an animal that they had lived and interacted ? with for several years.

I grew up in a house where my mum was constantly adding new pets to our family, with little regard to the impact it made on the people present. At one point we had 15 cats in a smallish suburban house (and only one litter box!) it’s possible the children don’t feel super attached to the dog. I can’t say I felt emotionally attached to each and every one of my mom’s cats, there were just too many, and a revolving door of animals constantly coming and (sadly) dying.

@harryclr

I dont think you're being unreasonable. Dogs are a lot of responsibility. I told my DP i wouldn't be able to move in with him with his dog (that he got with ex) was around. Id be at home (again, the house they both uses to live in) with a new born baby and a yappy, stinky dog all day whilst he was at work. So i'd be expected to look after it when I'm just getting used to being a mum...no way! Plus I had my gorgeous cat. The dog went to a lovely lady with a massive house and garden, he goes and visits sometimes and she is much, much happier and healthier (he used to feed is pizza and whatever left overs).

Why cant the ex keep the dog? How many animals does she have and why so many she cant look after all?

So his kids dog? You had him get rid of his and his kids dog to suit you?

Awful.

Sorry, I think you're mad. It's a dog not an engagement ring.

I want to add something to my previous post. As a person who does love animals (and who does have treasured pets) I would feel conflicted in the OP’s situation, wanting to help the dog. On the other hand, as a person who grew up in a house with a parent who was constantly accumulating animals that were too much to care for, I understand how people who collect animals (which MIGHT be the case with the ex-wife) tend to push other people’s boundaries with them, and add guilt to the mix. My adult sister and I have had numerous conversations about the lack of respect for personal space, etc. in our childhood home and the guilt trips we were given if we dared to object to, for example, my mom’s animals continuously destroying or s*^tting on our possessions. Please think through how and if guilt or disrespect or boundaries is involved in the request and situation.

@Tiredoftattler

I imagine if it were necessary that I needed to have a pet that my kids were fond of removed from our home ( and it would have to be an extreme reason) that my children themselves would ask and expect their father to allow them to bring their pet to the home that they share with him. I would not need to ask him; they would themselves ask .a In a similar situation, if at all possible, the other of us would agree to take in the animal if our kids loved and viewed the animal as a pet.

If there was an allergy situation or constant travel involved, I could understand the other parent saying no, but beyond that I know with certainty that my children's father would home their pet.
If the children have no particular attachment to the animal, then it would be less of an issue, but I would be very concerned if my children had not developed any sense if attachment to an animal that they had lived and interacted ? with for several years.

Perhaps if the kids were going to look after the dog themselves - but it is entitled of them to "expect" their dad and his wife to take the pet on if they are going to be the ones who end up looking after them.

I think my children "expect" their parents to be jointly involved in resolving issues that impact their lives. That is not entitlement. That is the feeling and awareness that comes with knowledge that the 2 people who are most responsible for you are part of the joint decision making team with responsibility for making those decisions.

They are very fond of their father's wife and she is actively involved in most aspects of their lives, but they do not make any assumptions about her responsibility for them. They know that to be my and their father's responsibility.

If he were to accept a pet, he would never pass that responsibility on to his wife and my children would never assume that to be her responsibility.

If there was an allergy situation or constant travel involved, I could understand the other parent saying no, but beyond that I know with certainty that my children's father would home their pet.

What if he was married to someone who refused to have a dog in their house? Anyone whose ex was now married to me wouldn’t get the option to ‘know with certainty’ that he would take it on, because he wouldn’t be.

What if he was married to someone who refused to have a dog in their house? Anyone whose ex was now married to me wouldn’t get the option to ‘know with certainty’ that he would take it on, because he wouldn’t be.

Indeed. If my DP wanted to adopt a large, badly behaved dog I would be saying no regardless of whether I was expected to be involved in looking after it. Partly because I wouldn't want my house to suffer the consequences, but primarily because I have a toddler and I would not be comfortable with having that kind of animal around her 24/7. No amount of "but the SC expect their parents to be equally involved with their pets" would change that.

Funnily enough this could actually happen to me, as DSS's mum DOES have a large, badly behaved dog bought whilst with my DP, that is very much my DSS's beloved pet. If his mum decided to get rid of it, there's no way it would be coming here. This despite the fact that we have chosen to get two cats. "A" pet is not the same as all other pets.

Perhaps all those who wish to see this dog settled with a nice family could PM the OP and she could arrange for the dog to be delivered to one at random.

@wifeofspartacus

Perhaps all those who wish to see this dog settled with a nice family could PM the OP and she could arrange for the dog to be delivered to one at random.

I’ve done that before for a mimsnetter. Don’t think we’re not practicing what we preach. I’ve a house full of rescue animals.

Mumsnetter even!

You want a dog but you don't want THAT dog.
Bad attitude.
Poor dh. Poor kids.

@FindingMeno

You want a dog but you don't want THAT dog. Bad attitude. Poor dh. Poor kids.

Would you say that to anyone that went to a dog shelter and didn't automatically settle on the first dog they saw, even if it didn't fit their lifestyle due to behaviour and breed? I don't think so. It is normal for people to want a dog but not any dog.

@aSofaNearYou, this isn't the same situation though is it?
The ops DH has a connection with and feels a responsibility towards the dog, and quite rightly so.

I wouldn’t take it if he came with behavioural problems as I suppose the responsibility of taking care of the dog would fall on me and with that all the restrictions that come with dog ownership.

I love my dog but I find it difficult to put up with misbehaving dogs that are not mine.

I think it is not You get the dog or the shelter, get your partner to pay for the ex to attend dog training classes with the dog.

Shoving the problem to you, when you don’t want the dog is as bad as the ex trying to dump the dog on you because she had not given it proper care and training.