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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want dog from DH ex relationship

292 replies

67getago23 · 20/06/2021 18:49

DH has come home and asked if we can take on the dog from his ex which they got together because she is struggling with all her animals. Dh has two kids with his ex

We were looking at getting a dog together but I don't want a dog he shared in a home with the ex. I just don't. He thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't get why its a problem when we wanted a dog anyway.

But is it so wrong to want something that's not connected with the ex. I accept the kids , the arrangements, being in contact with the ex...

Surely I can have my own dog!!!!

Sorry to rant I'm just wondering if I am being silly or if step parents would feel similar.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/06/2021 01:56

Why didn't you say all this in your first post? It just sounds like a dripfeed to get people on side tbh.

I did want a puppy we can train and is our and share those memories

I have spent hours researching what will work for us

With any dog you choose to take into your home , you want to know its health , its temperament and obedience training etc all questions DH doesn't know and ex won't answer.

The ex wouldn't let DH take the dog when relationship broke down, but now wants to give it to us , if it doesn't work she said she will take the dog back.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2021 02:01

If dh hasn't been in the home for 5 years that means you've been together maybe 7/8 so the kids are at least 9 or so, no? Old enough to talk about the dog, surely?

Exactly what I was thinking.

missperegrinespeculiar · 21/06/2021 05:39

wow, mention of a dog and mumsnet loses its collective mind!

OP, I get it!

It's the ex's dog, it's her responsibility, she wouldn't let partner have it and now wants rid because of the holiday, plus it sounds like she has more animals she can cope with

this is not OP's fault

Whinginadeville · 21/06/2021 05:54

My first dog was my then dh and his exes. As a puppy the dog was his engagement present to her and shortly after I moved in she dumped the dog on us (they'd been split up 2 years, no dc and he'd seen the dogs regularly). I had that dog for the rest of his life he died at 16 as my most adored family pet. Dh only lasted a few years I kept the dog far longer.

Actuallyabitgreynow · 21/06/2021 06:19

If dh hasn't been in the home for 5 years that means you've been together maybe 7/8 so the kids are at least 9 or so, no? Old enough to talk about the dog, surely?

Completely irrelevant but am I the only one confused by this maths? If DH hasn't been in the home for 5 years, him and OP have likely been together for less than 5 years, meaning the children could be as young as 5/6.

drpet49 · 21/06/2021 08:28

Why didn't you say all this in your first post? It just sounds like a dripfeed to get people on side tbh.

^This. Always the case when the thread doesn’t go OPs way.

Original poster
67getago23 · 21/06/2021 08:37

Or I didn't want to mention everything at the time... takes alot to write out and my initial reaction is... I just want my own dog.

We have to share alot being a step mum do we have to share our pets too??!!??

Why can't we have our own dog ... its not my problem that she has taken on too many animals I.e rabbits cats three dogs birds , hamster you name it it's in the house.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 10:58

@SandyY2K

Why didn't you say all this in your first post? It just sounds like a dripfeed to get people on side tbh.

I did want a puppy we can train and is our and share those memories

I have spent hours researching what will work for us

With any dog you choose to take into your home , you want to know its health , its temperament and obedience training etc all questions DH doesn't know and ex won't answer.

The ex wouldn't let DH take the dog when relationship broke down, but now wants to give it to us , if it doesn't work she said she will take the dog back.

None of these things read like a drip feed, they are all just minor elaborations on what was alluded to in the first post. Many of us were able to put two and two together and realise that being offered a random dog you've had no input into training could raise many of these practical considerations.
Tiredoftattler · 21/06/2021 11:33

Very few dogs that become available are dogs with which you have had any involvement in the training. However, it is reasonable to be provided information about the temper and behavior, house training , and shot records and veterinary treatment that the dog has received to date. Those are reasonable expectations and would be given without question in most situations.

I don't think it to be reasonable to expect someone to take your animal if you refuse to provide that basic information. On the other hand, I don't necessarily think it reasonable not to want an animal simply because it was owned by your partner's ex. In reality , you have are living with and being intimate with the same person with whom they lived and were intimate, I can't imagine sharing a dog as being a more personal than that kind of shared experience.

Honeyroar · 21/06/2021 11:39

@67getago23

Or I didn't want to mention everything at the time... takes alot to write out and my initial reaction is... I just want my own dog.

We have to share alot being a step mum do we have to share our pets too??!!??

Why can't we have our own dog ... its not my problem that she has taken on too many animals I.e rabbits cats three dogs birds , hamster you name it it's in the house.

I get that. I’m a step mum too. But this is something your husband cared about and loved..

My useless brother always had dogs that he couldn’t afford. At one point he asked us to have his Rottweiler as he was moving to a different house and couldn’t take it. I said no as we already had two labs and I didn’t get on with my brother. But that dog had a crap life and ended up being left to wander round the streets a lot so the landlord didn’t see. Someone poisoned it. I really wished I’d taken it in.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 11:53

@Tiredoftattler

Very few dogs that become available are dogs with which you have had any involvement in the training. However, it is reasonable to be provided information about the temper and behavior, house training , and shot records and veterinary treatment that the dog has received to date. Those are reasonable expectations and would be given without question in most situations.

I don't think it to be reasonable to expect someone to take your animal if you refuse to provide that basic information. On the other hand, I don't necessarily think it reasonable not to want an animal simply because it was owned by your partner's ex. In reality , you have are living with and being intimate with the same person with whom they lived and were intimate, I can't imagine sharing a dog as being a more personal than that kind of shared experience.

You always seem to feel a burning need to make a comment about how the partner used to have sex with their ex. Why is that? On the emotive side of it (aside from the very reasonable practical reasons she might not want this particular dog) it's not about the dog being a MORE intimate thing than the partner, it's just about it being yet another thing from that relationship, on top of a lot of other things. You don't need to try and put people in their place by making comments about their partner's having sex with their ex, they're aware of that.
Tiredoftattler · 21/06/2021 12:27

@aSofaNearYou
Intimacy and being intimate with someone involves far more than having sex. It is the total shared experience of joy, pleasure, personal confidences, unique love language, etc. You may be missing out on so much if intimacy for you means simply "having sex."

klangers · 21/06/2021 12:31

You married a man with responsibilities. You can't decline the dog and then go and get a different one. Dogs don't live
Forever, your next
Dog will be chosen by you.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 12:34

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
Intimacy and being intimate with someone involves far more than having sex. It is the total shared experience of joy, pleasure, personal confidences, unique love language, etc. You may be missing out on so much if intimacy for you means simply "having sex."[/quote]
I know what intimacy means thanks. You quite frequently leave comments about how DPs "once liked their ex enough to have sex with them". It always seems a bit random, like you just wanted to work that in somehow.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2021 12:35

@klangers

You married a man with responsibilities. You can't decline the dog and then go and get a different one. Dogs don't live Forever, your next Dog will be chosen by you.
Responsibilities to a dog he gave up 5 years ago?
Branleuse · 21/06/2021 12:37

I think youre being quite unreasonable about this, considering you want a dog anyway. This dog exists. It knows your partner. It needs a new home.
My dp already had a dog with his ex which he brought with him, and I loved that dog and we bonded very nicely.
Having a puppy is a fucking nightmare. Its not a romantic bonding experience. Its a means to an end of having a great dog at the end.

If I was your partner and you refused to consider taking on this dog, theres no way id agree to a new puppy

BananaHammock23 · 21/06/2021 12:39

I understand where you're coming from but YABU OP. You could give the dog a loving home.

Also not sure why you posted when you've quite clearly made your mind up!

Lovinglavidaloca · 21/06/2021 12:46

OP wants a shiny new dog Sad

Rachstep · 21/06/2021 12:50

I'm sure in the original post the OP directed this question to Step parents. I understand it's a free country/forum and anyone can reply (before any of you jump on me) but i wonder how many people commenting can actually relate to the feelings that a SP goes through in situations like this? I can understand as a SP why she might not want another connection to her DPs ex encroaching into her life. It's a common theme on here that SP's are expected to compromise and accept things they don't want just because they married a guy that happened to have kids and a previous wife. She has every right to say no to this request and i don't think she's being unreasonable in the slightest to do so.

MadeForThis · 21/06/2021 12:51

@67getago23

It sounds like she needs someone to look after the dog while she is on holiday. Bet you anything she asks for the dog back when she returns.

Youseethethingis · 21/06/2021 12:57

Enough is enough.
"You knew what you were getting into" absolutely does not cover dogs that ceased to belong to your partner years ago.
I get it OP. Yes it's a living being and blah blah blah. But what it represents is yet another element of your life that is decided by your husbands ex.
She chose the dog. She decided to keep the dog. She's now decided to get rid. What if she then decides she want to visit her dog? Or decides she wants it back?
Everyone must fall into line and apparently you get to decide nothing.
Bollocks to that. It's not about "you must take this dog because she says so or you don't deserve any dog at all".

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2021 13:02

It seems heartless to send it to the shelter, and choose yourself a nicer new one! Yes I'd take it in. You want a dog, the dog needs a home. Win win.

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2021 13:03

I don’t know. If ex will turn up in a year and say I’m picking my dog up then it’s a no, that’s not fair on anyone. Dh would need to enroll dog in training as well as get sorted with vet etc. l

wifeofspartacus · 21/06/2021 13:03

OP wants to choose her own dog. And so she should.

Tbh, if this were not a second wife posting, no one would be bothered. "My husband and I have been thinking of getting a dog. An ex-girlfriend has a dog but can't look after it anymore. I'd rather we choose a dog that suits us. I think the owner of the dog should make other arrangements for her own dog. AIBU?"

Rachstep · 21/06/2021 13:11

@wifeofspartacus

OP wants to choose her own dog. And so she should. Tbh, if this were not a second wife posting, no one would be bothered. "My husband and I have been thinking of getting a dog. An ex-girlfriend has a dog but can't look after it anymore. I'd rather we choose a dog that suits us. I think the owner of the dog should make other arrangements for her own dog. AIBU?"
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