I don't want dog from DH ex relationship

[67getago23]

DH has come home and asked if we can take on the dog from his ex which they got together because she is struggling with all her animals. Dh has two kids with his ex

We were looking at getting a dog together but I don't want a dog he shared in a home with the ex. I just don't. He thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't get why its a problem when we wanted a dog anyway.

But is it so wrong to want something that's not connected with the ex. I accept the kids , the arrangements, being in contact with the ex...

Surely I can have my own dog!!!!

Sorry to rant I'm just wondering if I am being silly or if step parents would feel similar.

@youvegottenminuteslynn no it is a correction.
Their mum is ultimately responsible for the dog. If she chooses to get rid of it it’s on her.
The OP has every right to say no if it directly affects her / she doesn’t want to.
If she says no then it is not her or her DH’s fault that the children will lose their family pet. That decision lies solely with their mother who is the pet owner and chose to keep it after they split, having full responsibility for it for the last 5 years.

A concern I'd have is, if his ex is the type to dump an animal when she fancies going off for a jolly in a van, she's probably self centred enough to demand the dog back after you've poured time and money into getting it trained and quite likely grown attached to it.

You sound very cold hearted. This is your husband’s dog. Something he cared about and is probably worried about. But you’d rather it be dumped in a shelter and get a shiny new dog.

No he doesn’t.

@SpongebobNoPants yes he does the OP has already said that the dog has lived there for 7 years and the DH left 5 years ago. That means he was living there when they got the dog
If he wants his dog he should be allowed it. Imagine the kids having a dog for 7 years and then having to get rid of it just to get a new cute puppy. What a great thing to teach children.

It’s hard work and requires far more time, patience and skill to train an older dog.

Puppies are a lot more difficult to cope with than older dogs!

It is a complete myth that rescue dogs armore difficult than puppies and it’s these views that puts people off getting rescues and buying puppies which are difficult and then they end up in the rescue homes and the cycle continues.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@youvegottenminuteslynn no it is a correction.
Their mum is ultimately responsible for the dog. If she chooses to get rid of it it’s on her.
The OP has every right to say no if it directly affects her / she doesn’t want to.
If she says no then it is not her or her DH’s fault that the children will lose their family pet. That decision lies solely with their mother who is the pet owner and chose to keep it after they split, having full responsibility for it for the last 5 years.[/quote]
You've added context, not 'corrected' as you put it...

I'm unsure where I stand on this and can't quite decide what I think I would feel / do in OP's position.

So I've got no skin in the game. I just thought that it was patronising that you're correcting a poster, as if they don't understand the situation rather than simply looking at it from the perspective of another person involved.

And I completely agree that their mum is awful to plan to leave the dog, especially without a back up sorted. That's awful of her and she sounds horrible for it. Maybe I'm tired and ill and misread the post I quoted. Either way, the ex leaving the dog sounds awful for it.

@toocold54 he hasn’t had anything to do with the dog for over 5 years!!! It’s not his bloody dog!
He has had no input into training, caring for, bonding with the dog for most of its life!

And no, he shouldn’t be “allowed” to make a decision that large against OP’s wishes as it’ll directly impact on her.

I’m a massive advocate of people adopting / rehoming / rescuing dogs instead of purchasing from a breeder… I even volunteer for a charity that rehomes them!

However I also acknowledge that getting a family pet is a deeply personal decision. Rehoming only works if the dog is a good fit for the new owners and they have the patience and most of all willingness to train them. It’s not an easy or quick fix.

If OP doesn’t want to rehome it that’s fine, she shouldn’t be bullied into it and have it implied that she’s in the wrong when the actual owner is the one being irresponsible and selfish.

Puppies are a lot more difficult to cope with than older dogs!

It is a complete myth that rescue dogs armore difficult than puppies and it’s these views that puts people off getting rescues and buying puppies which are difficult and then they end up in the rescue homes and the cycle continues

This isn’t true. I am heavily involved with a dog rehoming charity so I think I am liberty to say this.
Puppies get surrendered because idiot owners are unprepared/ unwilling to train them but they are much much easier to train than an older dog who has had no training or been allowed to be destructive.

@HoobleDooble

A concern I'd have is, if his ex is the type to dump an animal when she fancies going off for a jolly in a van, she's probably self centred enough to demand the dog back after you've poured time and money into getting it trained and quite likely grown attached to it.

This would be my concern too. Basically you'll be unpaid dog kennels.

I see this from both sides but if she is going to get rid of the dog, and it’s the kids pet, absolutely you should take it if you were going to get one anyway.

However I do get what you are saying about wanting to choose your own dog too.

Me and my ex shared a dog, ExH was supposed to take the dog full time, he said he wanted to, but not until he had his own place. He was saying it to spite me I think tbf at the time. Then he met his new gf, who got her own dog a couple of months into the relationship. He then moved in with her and said he couldn’t take our dog anymore as she had one now. So he stayed with me and my new DP has taken him on as his dog.

The dog previously had shared care with the kid’s but this stopped as it wasn’t fair long term and just to keep contact with the Ex.

So ultimately the dog loves new DP more than anyone else in the world! And he completely sees him as his dog. ExH has a new dog he seems to like just as much 🤷🏼‍♀️

The kids didn’t lose their pet.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@touma feel free to DM the OP and offer to adopt the dog yourself. You absolute weirdo [/quote]

I would take it in a minute because I'm not an idiot who's threatened by the fact that someone else had the dog prior to me.
Tbh tho, it's probably for the best that OP doesn't have the dog in the end as she doesn't have the capacity to care for one, and thinks a puppy would be smooth sailing.

You sound as bitter as the OP. Let me guess your partner has an ex bf/wife that you are also jealous of
Well aren’t you a delight! What a vile person you are.

The ex is 100% in the wrong here, she is putting a holiday above her pet!

but you’ve also encouraged OP to get a puppy instead because they are ‘easier’ than older dogs

This is not what I said at all! I pointed out that rehoming a dog is a huge decision. Older dogs with behavioural issues are undoubtedly harder to care for, hence why we do thorough home visits, questionnaires etc and ensure that everyone in the household is suitable and willing to train the dog and deal with the issues at hand. If OP isn’t willing to do this then it’s a recipe for disaster! Everybody has to be 100% onboard with it for it to work.

What should happen is the actual owner (ex) should take care of the bloody dog she chose to have. She is the person in the wrong here. Imagine choosing a holiday over your pet?? It’s disgraceful.

Honestly if you don't have a shared DC I would think about divorce.

@SpongebobNoPants you're spot on in everything you say!
Lordy but there's some very strange people on here tonight - we must be heading to a full moon!

From what you've said at some stage you're planning to buy a puppy. You seem to think this will be steeped in romance. There is nothing romantic about training a puppy. It's a hard slog. It's not romantic to be standing outside on freezing nights shouting be quick, or waking up to piles of poo on newspaper that you accidentally tread in, or finding your best shoes chewed, or discovering needle teeth marks decorating round the bottom of kitchen units or having the Christmas tree pulled over. Trust me in this house we do not reminisce with misty eyes about puppy days. An adult dog is sooooo much easier.

Ffs. Its a living, breathing animal who needs home and love - who cares who the precious owners were? It's tried and tested and knows your partner and the kids.
YABVU, Selfish and spoilt. Shame on you!

It's not a bloody handbag, it doesn't "belong" to anyone. It's not used. You want a dog, you have the perfect opportunity to do the right thing.

@Yellowcrockpot you haven’t read all the posts I’m assuming? The dog is destructive and has behavioural issues. It isn’t simply about it being the ex’s pet

This is really wacky. Just because that dog is possibly available to rehome doesn't mean OP has to have it! When you go to a dog rescue it's not Hobson's choice, you get to see if the dog is suitable for you.

God no. Choose your own dog. It's not your job to home your husbands ex wife's dog. Which is essentially what this creature is.

Except it was her husband's and is the children's dog. Maybe they have an attachment and wouldn't like to see it being put down at the local shelter?

I wouldn’t want to take on someone else’s poorly trained dog. Your H obviously wasn’t that attached to it if he’s been away from the dog for 5 years and it’s only 7 years old.

I get the point about your H and his DCs already being his ex’s so what difference does a dog make, but it’s just the idea that as soon as the dog is an inconvenience to her you’re expected to step up and take it on.

There’s a huge difference between choosing, raising and training a dog of your choice and taking on an older dog which isn’t well trained, has health issues and belongs to someone you clearly don’t like much!!

I’d actually be more likely to accept it on the same basis as the SDCs, as in it comes to visit and then goes home with them. That way she gets a break, and you don’t have to deal with it full time. But either way, she needs to be open about any health issues etc or it would be a hard no from me.

Oh and if anyone here has a responsibility to make sure the dog isn’t taken to a shelter or put down it’s the dog’s fucking owner - the ex wife. Not OP!!

I totally agree that the dog is the ex wife's responsibility. 100%. But if she isn't going to take responsibility for it, someone else has to. Whether it be the ops DH or an animal shelter. At 7 it gets harder to rehome so is more likely to be PTS. All I'm saying is that as a child I would be very upset with my mother for allowing that. And I would be equally upset at at my father and step-mother if they could have prevented the death.

Of course, this could all be moot because the ex may have no intention of seeing the dog put down or going to a shelter.

And, for the record, I don't think that people should get animals they don't want. It often means the animal's existence isn't great and nor is the owner's.