A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Dollyparton3

Exactly the same here. I came along years after the marriage ended, but the ex has really done a number on the kids. The irony is that all my DH has done is to try and reel them in when they're out of control but every time he's been painted as the bad guy. It's the opposite of Disney dadding.

Detaching is healthy, if you're happy with him then just compartmentalise the complexity of his kids. I hope that one day they'll grow out of it. It's such a shame because when I met my stepdaughter she was a bright, beautiful lovely vibrant girl and she's dug herself a very divisive hole now. We'll struggle to be together at major family events and I can only put it down to her mother teaching her that people have a material value rather than what they can bring to the party in terms of nurture, love etc.

That sounds like some of the values my SC are being brought up with. It's dreadful.

I can't imagine why anyone would want their children to view everyone in terms of what they can get from them. But I guess that's probably because I just don't think like that myself.

Your commitment is admirable @FishyFriday and your reasons totally make sense x it's great you're going to counselling as lots of men wouldn't. Really hope things improve for you x

@FishyFriday you are a very admirable lady. I recognise a lot of what you say with my own DP and the Disney dadness. They just don't realise the damage it does. My daughter sees it and does call him out on it and then that erupts into a row whereby we're all involved. It's out of hand and ridiculous. He makes stupud off the cuff promises such as ooh do you want to go here or there or shall daddy get you an iPhone and I'm like she's 5 no we won't be getting her an iPhone 🙄. My ds are 16 and 20 so not interested or involved really in the dynamic with DSD as oldest moved out and 16 year old normally busy with his own thing, study, working etc.

I agree I would not want our ds to be party to the lack parenting and over compensating so will do what it takes to make things work out however it is incredibly hard when EOW contact brings you out in a cold sweat!

@Dollyparton3 the situation is identical, he stood up to one of his kids whose behaviour was truly shocking, that resulted in them no longer speaking. I was initially blamed for that situation (not by him) when in fact I’d been quietly putting up with the behaviour as I didn’t want to cause problems, unfortunately they pushed their father to far and all hell broke loose and rather then reconcile and resolve things decided to continually throw fuel on the fire.

The DD was fine for years afterward only occasionally being rude or disrespectful which I ignored although there was one incident where again I was on receiving end of particular nastiness and DP made it clear it wouldn’t be tolerated. We rubbed along fine for a while and then it started again. That’s when I decided I was done with the situation and won’t engage. I doubt there will be any family occasions now to cause issues it’s become them and us unfortunately. It is incredibly sad for DP but he is convinced ex wife is pulling strings in the background, I don’t know her so couldn’t say but at end of the day his kids are adults with families of their own and have chosen to behave like this.

and his feelings that he needs to take his children's absence out on the resident children in the house. @FishyFriday I’d take no prisoners on this attitude - tell him straight that your kids are not there so he can take out his resentment about his own. Tell him your kids don’t deserve it! I’m just saying that because Ex did this too in the end and I do think it negatively impacted my child. I had to have a serious word with him, and said I’d move out if he didn’t change his attitude as it’s one thing to have problems between ourselves isn’t it, but if they start taking it out on our children… well there is a line that can’t be crossed!

Ex’s Disney parenting did him no good at all in the end. He has not got a good relationship now with his children. They rarely visit, and only contact him when they need something. I saw it all happen and no one wins in this scenario.

@FishyFriday I remember reading on another thread your dh went to counselling and twisted it around so you were the bad guy. That's excellent news that he can see his own childhood emotional shit coming out in adulthood and is engaging in the counselling process!

I think my DP could be accused of Disney parenting and I think that’s where some of his issues with his DC comes from now. Although adult he has funded cars and holidays for them so now he is expected to pay for everything and they will think nothing of expecting him to pay for meals where they drag along DBF friends etc it’s awful. I could write so much here about the behaviour I’ve witnessed and you would be truely shocked (I know I was) but I’m concerned how outing it would be. DP had considered cutting off contact with the DD after some awful behaviour a couple of years ago but I encouraged him to persevere or at least talk to her about how she made him feel. They do have a better relationship now and I’m glad for him but I have said after our last encounter that I don’t want to be around her and he has agreed that it’s not acceptable but won’t speak to her about it as she will cut off contact and “she is the only family he has” it is a sad situation but the only part of it I have control over is my contact with them and I prefer not to be involved now.

It's good that your DH is going to counselling @FishyFriday, there is hope of salvaging things if he is accepts he has work to do himself.

I begged my EXDP to go for joint counselling so a neutral third party could help us through our difficulties, however he refused to do so, as apparent all our issues were solely to do with me hating his DS I gave up after that.

@Bananasinpyjamas21

and his feelings that he needs to take his children's absence out on the resident children in the house. *@FishyFriday* I’d take no prisoners on this attitude - tell him straight that your kids are not there so he can take out his resentment about his own. Tell him your kids don’t deserve it! I’m just saying that because Ex did this too in the end and I do think it negatively impacted my child. I had to have a serious word with him, and said I’d move out if he didn’t change his attitude as it’s one thing to have problems between ourselves isn’t it, but if they start taking it out on our children… well there is a line that can’t be crossed!

I am having none of it. It's not OK.

To turn the usual cliches around, he knew that I was the RP. He knew what DS's contact schedule was (and is). He knew DS would be there when his kids weren't. He knew he will always be an NRP (his ex would never allow anything else - she refused 50-50).

I am sympathetic that he didn't realise how hard he'd find that. Nonetheless, It's so irritating to have a grown man being sulky and ridiculous about not wanting to 'eat with any kids' on a Monday when DS is here and his kids pretty much never are. Especially since the reason 'eating with kids' is so dreadful is because of his children's behaviour at the dinner table. It's even more annoying when he tries to minimise the whole eating really slowly and sulking to cause trouble/constant attention seeking behaviour that escalates the more it's pandered to/the wetting himself and being sick with DS sometimes needing to be reminded not to slurp his drink or to push his chair back in when he's done. The SC have the standard table manners issues on top of all the other crap behaviour (SD sticks her hands in everything, spreads things around, never holds any cutlery properly, shovels enormous amounts into her mouth and then spits it all over the table/plate/floor, for example). Yes, they're only 4 and 7... but it's way beyond a bit of fussy eating or sorting out some table manners.

Just because no human alive enjoys eating with his kids makes it ok to insist that he's had enough of eating with kids when it's my son being left to eat alone. Now that I completely refuse to eat with his kids (or have my sons eat with them), we get much more of the pretending it's do unfair because DS's dinner table etiquette is not always completely perfect 'so why isn't he banished?'. Well, he's not trying to cause an argument by making sulky faces at his stepmother and taking 5 minutes to chew a single forkful of scrambled egg (the 7 year old) or being sick on demand because no one is paying enough attention and coaching him through how to chew and swallow every single bite of food (the 4 year old).

This is especially bad because having spent years eating with the SC has created every single one of the minor annoyances my husband is complaining about. He eats too fast so he can get away from the table. And that has a knock on effect on the manner of eating. He never did this before I met my husband. Now that we don't eat with the SC I can return to what I did before that, and have everyone sit at the table until everyone is finished and he can relearn standard group eating etiquette. I couldn't very well make him sit there through meals where the SC take over an hour to eat beans on toast (and SD would gleefully take longer, knowing it was ruining DS's day) and where their father won't just pick up their plates after 20 minutes of pudding about and tell them they'll just have to go hungry. Yes, he's scared that SS will starve himself (he will), but that's why he should find a therapist to work with the kid (and his useless mother, who just hands out sweets, crisps and chocolate constantly to shut them up - so why bother eating dinner when you can just wait til you return to the house of snacks and rude behaviour?).

I think this is my main objection to the 'you knew what you were getting in to' line. If you are a reasonable person, you tend to assume that everyone else will be acting reasonably. You don't imagine that other people just can't be bothered to teach their kids how to eat (at all) or to say 'please' or to wait til you've finished speaking and not interrupt you. Or actually she doesn't think these things actually matter. You don't imagine that your partner, who is otherwise perfectly normal, will be so driven by fear and guilt that he will just hold his hands up and claim there's nothing he can do. You know someone has kids, but the fucked up dynamics of blended families are not something you generally anticipate because you've assumed that everyone will be operating on some version of 'normal'.

[quote StarryNight468]@FishyFriday I remember reading on another thread your dh went to counselling and twisted it around so you were the bad guy. That's excellent news that he can see his own childhood emotional shit coming out in adulthood and is engaging in the counselling process![/quote]
He did. And I brought exactly that up in the next session. Because the counsellor needs to know that is what he was trying to do.

He has recognised something. But... whether he'll change. 🤷🏻‍♀️ it might be like what happened when he 'read' stepmonster. He picked the chapter called 'him', completely ignored the fact that the author is very clear that the thought processes she's describing are a key driving factor in many of the problems of blended families, and insisted that I should feel sorry for him because it's so hard being conflicted and guilty and full of fear. So rather than thinking, 'I really identify with that; I'll need to sort out my thinking processes so I can move away from guilt and fear, and reset the dynamics to be healthier' he went for martyrdom ('see. It's so hard being a divorced dad. You should feel sorry for me and stop expecting better from me').

Hopefully the counsellor can help him to see that recognising an issue is not enough. It's not a handy excuse but something he needs to work on and change.

@FishyFriday "You don't imagine that your partner, who is otherwise perfectly normal, will be so driven by fear and guilt that he will just hold his hands up and claim there's nothing he can do. You know someone has kids, but the fucked up dynamics of blended families are not something you generally anticipate because you've assumed that everyone will be operating on some version of 'normal'." These comments are so true!!

My SD can't eat at the table without the ipad quite often say on a Sunday I will do a 'serve yourself' dinner at the table she can't cope with that either. Many a Christmas dinner has been ruined by her throwing a tantrum at the table and DP chasing after her. I would leave her enjoy your dinner and she will eventually come down but he won't listen and ofc by making any suggestion I am trying to 'control' his actions. I expect basic table manners and would from any child of almost 6 (she manages okay at school without a screen!) but he intent on pandering to it out of guilt I guess. Don't even get me started on menu choices always pancakes covered in chocolate spread (made especially for dsd obviously) white bread cheese and mayo for lunch and white pasta cheese and mayo for dinner she won't eat anything else or will create. I know kids can be fussy I've raised 3 of them but also still make things they don't like and encourage them to try etc as has he when it comes tk midweek dinners!!! (my 16 year old doesn't like a roast dinner we still have them!) except for dsd who gets her own menu. She fills up on snacks (sweets, chocolate and cakes) my dc say whoa have some fruit instead but he won't listen its a she must have the junk out of guilt I guess. I have never known such parenting tbh. I do not want our unborn dc to be treated like this however I doubt he will I can see him being pushed out when dsd is here. Or put in danger for fear of actually disciplining dsd. Dp said well baby has to have a dummy said no he doesn't well dsd said she wants to give it to him said okay well last time I checked were the parents not dsd so we will see his like well what's the harm in giving him a dummy. Or he doesn't understand the age appropriate tasks are different ie my dd at almost 13 could give baby a bottle once she knows how or lift out of pram etc and that dsd of 5 cannot do these things and says we'll that's unfair to dsd. No if she was mine she wouldn't be doing them things either and would have to learn that age appropriate tasks means there's a natural difference between who can do what I let my 16 year old ds out with him friends until 10.30/11 at night doesn't mean the 12 year old and 5 year old can does it.....

The last 3 contact weekends I've had it thrown in my face that I'm too controlling will never get the final say and have clearly always disliked dsd called him a Disney dad outright so hoping he went away to Google that. She goes home today so hopefully in 2 weeks time things might be a bit different.... (I doubt it)

Also to whoever said about the lock my DS has a lock we have a spare key to his room... My DP let himself in his room and took his PlayStation headphones so dsd could sit with him whilst he watched TV on the ipad quietly said they are ds headphones and he says yes but he isn't here or using them so she can borrow them. If I had dared to speak up further would have been a huge row about me not liking dsd or not wanting her to have something or me being controlling because god forbid we say no to dsd.

@FishyFriday you have the patience of a saint! He sounds like he is putting his inability to copy on your doorstep. I agree ‘you knew what you were getting into’ isn’t helpful. It suggests that everything is fine, and that we as step mums just don’t like the mere presence of the step family. Whilst I think that is true sometimes (my own step mum doesn’t acknowledge me) - I think mostly it’s because there are problems with the dynamics with the mum/dad kids being separated. We come in as step mums and shine a big uncomfortable light on it.

@Vie8126 there is tension isn’t there, as if we are cooking the meal, then at some point we need to be able to expect a little compromise to ‘our’ rules. I compromised by only cooking what the DSDs were used to, to exactly the recipe they liked, I also didn’t expect the same standards (we used to wait for the cook to sit before eating). But I did want a quick thank you - just one thing. It was the DSD who had a lot of resentment I think in general who always refused. I guess we can’t expect kids/parents to change overnight, but at the same time it’s quite hard when we have our own child (I had one DS) and WE cant’ be expected to change totally either!

I found ‘step monster’ really enlightening. It was a relief to realise that it wasn’t just me being ‘terrible’ ‘controlling’ or whatever. I had teenage step daughters too and it helped me see that this was NEVER going to work that well.

The daughters were too loyalty conflicted, any niceness to me was disloyalty to their mother.

Any acceptance of any of my ‘rules’ was a ‘defeat’ in that they saw themselves as the women of the house - not me. DS even commented ‘I dont’ think oldest DSD likes you, because you took her place’. That was so true, oldest DSD had taken on the role of prime woman before I turned up, and Dad’s affections were on me.

It is tough for our step kids, no matter how difficult they are. They are caught in the middle of conflicts and bought affection, but ultimately their core security is gone. However it is also really tough for us as step mums! We are the unwanted outsiders.

Yes! @Bananasinpyjamas21 unwanted outsider describes me very well for dss - it's actually quite sad and I do feel sorry for him as all he would like is his mum and dad together (they haven't been together since he was under 2) and here i am in his eyes in the way. I am lucky that he mostly gets on with my dc and stays out the way tbh - but he does get a lot of one on one time so I don't feel too bad about that.

That sounds SO hard @Vie8126. He's doing her no favours at all.

I'd have been livid about the headphones. It's just not ok. Clearly not ok. If he wants to loan her headphones; he can use his own!

I get the 'being controlling' accusation too. But actually what he is complaining about is me having boundaries or refusing to be controlled. What he doesn't like is the feeling of being torn between what I ask of him (and he knows it's perfectly reasonable for me to be asking it; if he didn't live in divorced dad world EOW, he'd think nothing of telling a child not to interrupt him when he's speaking to someone) and his fear and guilt based pandering to his children. He calls it 'being controlling', but it's not at all. I am allowed to have boundaries, expectations and, yes, even some control over my own home and what happens in it. He doesn't get to abandon our consensus and norms just because he fears he'll upset his children.

With food, it's actually that HE is being controlling. He wants me to do all the work: planning, shopping, cooking, clearing up (because he's too busy with work). But he can't accept that, if I am cooking, then I will do it my way. I do consider the people I'm cooking for, but the SC's wants and demands are only one consideration. They already get much more of my headspace, thinking: will they eat this? Is it worth the hassle of serving this? And so on? And they both have form for turning their noses up at or being awful about meals made specifically to their taste (and no one else's).

I do not want our unborn dc to be treated like this however I doubt he will I can see him being pushed out when dsd is here. Or put in danger for fear of actually disciplining dsd. Dp said well baby has to have a dummy said no he doesn't well dsd said she wants to give it to him said okay well last time I checked were the parents not dsd so we will see his like well what's the harm in giving him a dummy.

This is ridiculous. Why on Earth does he think a 5 year old should make baby care decisions? 🙄

It sounds like you very much would benefit from counselling now, before the baby is here. You will end up resentful beyond anything you can imagine if the behaviour (his and his daughter's) continues when the baby is here. I guarantee that you will be much less tolerant of the screens at tables, temper tantrums and insistence on junk at all times when you have a weaning baby you're trying to teach basic eating behaviours. And when the baby's Christmas and birthdays are being ruined by your SD's tantrums (and the baby's father's unwillingness to do anything about it). You have been able to explain things to your older children, or you've all been on team WTF together without saying anything. But toddlers copy and don't understand.

I know that I was surprised at quite how visceral my reaction to my husband's unwillingness to support me or consider the baby if it meant having to parent his older children in any acceptable way. All your maternal protectiveness, plus the feeling of there being no safe space or support anywhere because your husband and the baby's father is actively hostile to you - either directly or by allowing his children to do unacceptable things - just become overwhelming. It's very hard for a relationship to recover from the kinds of letting you down a guilt divorced dad is capable of.

But... even beyond this. I found myself absolutely livid about things for the SC. SD is incapable of anything not being all about her. And she doesn't listen or do as she's told. The same is true of SS to be fair. But on his birthday his father just allowed his sister to behave dreadfully. She was taking over and would have opened all his presents for him (he's 4; he neither needs nor wants her help) if I hadn't intervened. She wouldn't let him play with his toys. She kept telling him that she's so much better than him because she can ride a bike but he can't (he got a bike for his birthday).

I kept taking her aside and quietly asking her to let SS open his own presents. She kept ignoring it. Her father just ignored the behaviour. I was so angry. He was undermining me and making me the bad guy because he is too scared of upsetting his daughter by telling her that it's not her birthday. I was so busy tiptoeing around it all because I knew he'd be annoyed at ME for telling SD off. Thing is, if she'd been my daughter behaving like that - and especially ignoring me correcting her - I'd have properly disciplined her. She would not have been sitting there taking over, ruining things for her brother and being mean to him.

When they left to go back to their mum's, she even told him that 'it'll be much better at mammy's. She'll make sure it's the kind of cake I want' (because SS chose his own cake, and I didn't let SD force him into getting what she wanted instead). Her father didn't say anything to her - not in the supermarket where we were buying the cake, not when she threw a tantrum when we had the cake, not when she said this. She's 7 (not 2)! 🙄

I can't trust him to parent vaguely acceptably at the moment. When it comes to the baby, I still am no able to (for example) send SD to her room til she was ready to behave acceptably and apologise for her behaviour. But my husband claims that I'm excluding his children and being abusive towards them by just withdrawing myself and the baby. He needs to accept that it's an either/or. He either steps up and parents his older children (he will agree basic principles of what is and is not acceptable, and disciplinary strategies - but then he doesn't follow through because of x, y and a excuse) or he keeps them separate from everyone else. He's choosing to make them tangential to family life because he is too lazy, fearful and ineffective to firmly step in and stop a 4 year old scaring a small baby on purpose.

Can I say hello. By the sounds of it I have an easy ride!

DH gets on well with his ex and they have a good working relationship wrt DSS. The only thing his ex is a bit narky about is the fact we only have DSS eow, 3 weeks of school holidays in the year and one evening a week but I'm working 60+ hours a week and my DH works the opposite weekends we have DSS. So no real other time to have him.

We have no children together, and won't have because I'm now infertile so DSS is very much spoilt when he comes here really because he's a fantastic child and just so well behaved I can't really help it 😳

I think the only thing that irks me a little bit, and I recognise this is a me problem, is that we are always asked to buy the most expensive gifts for birthday and Xmas. In the last 3 years DSS has had 2 x switch a ps4 and a ps5 (he is 7). I know we earn well (although DH was made redundant in November and had to take a 30k pay drop) but we're not made of money!

I don't begrudge paying half of school holiday trips, or for uniform and school shoes but I don't spend £500 on myself for anything and don't think I ever did for my two.

It is tough for our step kids, no matter how difficult they are. They are caught in the middle of conflicts and bought affection, but ultimately their core security is gone. However it is also really tough for us as step mums! We are the unwanted outsiders.

It is tough for them. And tougher still when their father is unable or unwilling to give them the security they need by maintaining clear and appropriate boundaries for them - before and after the advent of any stepmother.

One of the enlightening things about stepmonster was quite how well these screwed up dynamics serve a range of purposes for men - even if they are uncomfortable and conflicted about it. It might feel like they're 'caught between' their children and their partner but that makes them the centre of everything and gives them ridiculous amounts of control (even not exercising any control over his children is a form of control). At the same time, they're able to play the SC and their partner against each other (and the wider family too). Everyone is so busy blaming the wicked stepmother or the stepmother ends up focusing on the child who greets her with a 'I don't have to do anything you say' or who steals her clothes or whatever rather than the father who is allowing this to happen.

These guilty, fear driven fathers are uncomfortable but much of that discomfort does derive from their own choices and situations that they are orchestrating and controlling in various ways. They can use their feelings of martyrdom to pretend that everyone and everything is against them and (as my husband puts it) they 'just want to be nice to everyone'. But actually, they don't want to do the right thing by anyone in the situation.

The whole cultural narrative around stepfamilies enables this crap in so many ways. We're encouraged to excuse and even feel sorry for fathers when they are creating and perpetuating many of the issues. 😩

I think I need to read Stepmonster, it's been referred to so many times on various threads on the step-parenting board.

While I've left my last relationship due to my EXDP's NRP guilt and Disney Dadding, and I would really rather not get involved with another NRP, that's probably not realistic given I'm now 40 and have DC myself.

I will definitely set boundaries and prepare to walk away quickly if I see any signs of what I should have listened to at the start of this relationship.

It's definitely worth a read @Starseeking.

It's both depressing and enlightening. But you will recognise SO MUCH.

I think it's also helpful that it's not seeking to be an advice book. It's explaining what it's like and why. And that actually helps you to understand why you find all the advice you have been reading so bloody frustrating.

I recently threw out yet another useless stepparenting advice book that bore no resemblance to what actually goes on here and which gave the same old advice I cannot implement. I am not just being ridiculous and neurotic for not being able to just disengage and accept that my husband will parent however he wants to. His parenting of his other kids is making life unbearable for me, my DS and the baby. It's not just a mere difference of opinion. He cannot teach our baby to eat properly while allowing two older children to behave dreadfully at every single meal they have here (and HE doesn't want a third child with such disordered and problematic eating behaviour!!). He cannot choose to ignore his son's aggression when he's throwing wooden blocks at the baby. It's not a live and let live situation.

Trying to disengage cannot be a letting go that will see my worries melt alway. It amplifies them because I am unable to protect my baby. Choosing to withdraw and leave him to it doesn't work because he resents 'being made to feel like a single father every other weekend'. And that makes my life more stressful.

Stepmonster was helpful in understanding the dynamics at work and why I feel this way. If nothing else, it's useful to be able to say 'it's not just me'.

I remember my husband saying that maybe someone else would be 'more tolerant' of his other children. Ultimately, I don't think they would because the problem isn't the children; it's the awful, turned on its head dynamic that surrounds them. I doubt that anyone would be able to tolerate his parenting of them because such a big part of it involves them being scapegoated whenever necessary.

@StarryNight468

Can I join please.

I keep flipping from wanting to leave dh and the baggage he brings into my life with his ex drama to wanting to stay as our relationship minus the ex drama is the best relationship I've ever had.

My aunt gave me some good advice a couple of days ago when I was about to leave. She said concentrate on meeting your own needs, meet up with friends more and develop interests outside of dh as she thinks I've become quite dependent on dh to meet my needs and my own behaviours are becoming unhealthy in this dynamic. She also pointed out that before I became enmeshed with his drama I was the happiest she had ever known me and that his drama is his to work out in his head and not to involve me with it, but that until I had my own stuff going on I wouldn't be able to not get involved as my world has become quite small.

I've spoken with a few friends and arranged lunches and coffees in the near future. I'm going to have a think about things I'd like to do too - I've always wanted to join a netball team so I think I'm going to try that, although I feel quite scared at the thought!

Anyone else up for trying to meet their own needs and stepping back from the drama? or is everyone else quite sorted

Yes totally!! I haven’t seen my DP for a couple of weeks as he’s had covid and sadly - although I have missed having him around - I’ve realised how much calmer my world is when he’s not coming and going, bringing ex and kids drama, family drama, work drama. We get on great and have such a laugh together but it’s not without its bumps in the road. Just being able to concentrate on myself, my kids, my work, my health and fitness etc and not be concerned about anyone else has actually been quite freeing, to the point where his lack of texts - which would ordinarily upset me - has been unremarkable. I don’t need to hear that he’s thinking of me or missing me as I’m busy doing other things.

I detached from his DCs a few years ago. I had tried to blend things, pushed for “family” time and talked about moving in together but the more we spent time all together the more it became clear that it would never work full time.

These days I see them on birthdays and Xmas, but otherwise they live their life over there, and DP joins me and mine a couple of times a week. Works well and even when the DCs are all older I’m not sure I’ll want to give up my independence to move in together.

There are still men without children who will have relationships with women with children from previous relationships out there.

My stepdad and my mum met when they were in their 40s. He has no children of his own. They've been together 25 years so clearly the two teenaged stepdaughters didn't prevent anything there. They didn't live together properly until I was in my late 20s and my sister had finally left home. My stepdad kept his own house but chose to work abroad for the last part of his career and my mum visited him for all her annual leave (she was a teacher so there was plenty of it). My stepdad would come back to visit regularly. They moved in when his final overseas posting ended and he retired not long afterwards.

My MIL remarried a man with no children when my husband was 17 or so. He's the eldest of 3. That ended in divorce but not really because of the children. It's because MIL is a nightmare and no (wo)man could put up with her for any length of time.

So don't reign yourself to being single or difficult stepfamily dynamics just yet! There are all sorts of things that can and do work for people.

Some of this situations! I am beyond horrified listening to them! to all you trying to navigate these struggles.