A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@FishyFriday you speak so much sense in all your posts. We are constantly made to feel like second class citizens. I've read some truly awful things on here about 'you knew what you were getting into' your children should live in the cupboard give the children staying 4 nights a month the biggest room, how dare you question anything imagine how the children feel, why don't you spoil them, treat them over and above yours or any other joint child just because they don't live in the house. It makes my blood boil. No one child is above any other and they are all made to feel like it's their home. My children go to their dad's and his partners where she has a child I wouldn't be impressed if my children were getting this red carpet treatment everyone seems to deem is fair to the non resident child as it isn't fair to anyone.

My DP is on the right page with so much stuff and we get on. We clash over his dd and his attitude towards her increasingly so over the last few weeks. She could be anxious about the new baby, she could be feeling pushed out all perfectly normal things (her mother could be filling her full of crap about the baby in all honesty) but my DP sudden reluctance to follow rules we set together and put her above the resident children is not on. Children need rules and bounderies.

FishyFriday I do not know how you manage how did you broach counselling to meet on the same page? My DP and are aren't even in the same book at the moment!

@FishyFriday we don’t have children together so in that way it’s much easier. With regard to money his DC are very keen on it and never pay their way! He has been taken for quite a lot in the past, he’s been angry but says nothing. I am self sufficient and like to pay my way, our finances are very separate intentionally. I had to withdraw for my own sake i was nervous about being around his DD anymore after I was out of the blue accused of swearing at her! I did no such thing! I can’t prove I didn’t as much as she can’t prove I did but that was the final straw for me.

FishyFriday I do not know how you manage how did you broach counselling to meet on the same page? My DP and are aren't even in the same book at the moment!

I'd describe it as less broaching counselling than it being the last chance saloon.

I'm not convinced we are in the same library never mind the same book much of the time. And I am very angry with him. He has let me down in so many ways. Not just failed to support me when I needed it, but actively made things as hard as possible. His other children are so often the pretext for letting me down, as well as the means of hostilities.

It came to a head and I would have left if I'd had anywhere to go and any money at all (there's a story there that he comes out of extremely badly). On Mother's Day actually (another story that he vines out if badly). He booked relate and assumed that I'd just refuse to go. We had an assessment where he acted his way through and played the poor father whose evil wife just won't let him enjoy him wonderful children (another story he comes out of extremely poorly). That almost led to divorce (not least as he was so angry the counsellor was even handed and neutral and didn't just agree I was a crazy, evil lunatic. We've had one proper session and he's recognised something. But I fear he'll miss the point.

Exhausted and fed up. Early help have been involved due to my husbands ex and step kids.

Need to keep them apart due to damage to our youngest. Including threats of abuse from exs current parenter.

Husband understands. But in moments of frustration he moans I'm stopping things running smoothly cos I won't deviate from the advice.

Love my sc, but my babies only have one person purely looking out for them and I base my judgements on professionals and experience

[quote RedMarauder]@doris88 the boundaries are when he is available and when he isn't as they agreed. This is because their child didn't know where they were staying most days and how long for.

Due the his ex being horrible to him, back tracking over their informal agreements and being horrible to other people to get to him, they now have a Child Arrangements Order. So any last minute changes she asks for aren't agreed to unless it is due to illness of their child.

I've only done childcare for their child on occasion, and it's made very clear to their child by him and me I'm not around to parent.[/quote]
This is the dream.

DH has never had any boundaries with his ex and as a result she has taken a metric fuck ton of liberties over the years, which DH has either waved on past or handed off to me to deal with.

After 10 years I can say with confidence that step parenting problems are exactly that - problems with the parents. And rarely, if ever, the child/ren.

As times goes on, the man takes all her efforts and wife work for granted. His fear-driven guilty dad parenting takes its toll on everyone in the household. The SM becomes the ideal scapegoat for everyone else to blame everything on. She becomes angry and resentful of this crap told she never asked for, and for all her good intentions being used against her. She withdraws but I'm doing so becomes that evil SM and therefore even more blameable. This erodes her sense of self in all sorts of ways

This is such an excellent, accurate summary of exactly how it happens.

DSD is a teenager. Adores me, tells me she loves me all the time. Her mum hates me. Acts all nice to my face but bitches about me behind my back to anyone who will listen (including colleagues who feedback to me - told them to stop as don't care). Expect the comments to increase now that she knows I'm pregnant. Already saying to DSD that we won't want to see her much anymore and that she will get pushed out. Can't wait to prove her wrong :)

[quote Tara336]@FishyFriday you are absolutely spot on with everything you said. I have completely withdrawn from any contact with SC because I am the scapegoat and if I have no contact I can’t be accused of anything.[/quote]
Agree. So much I recognise in so many posts. I have also completely withdrawn from the oldest DSDs - for exactly the same reason. I can’t trust them not to scapegoat me anymore. If I see them I’m polite but that’s it. Crucially I don’t make any concessions anymore for them, they are adults. My life is me, my kids and that is central. I used to get ‘knocked off centre’ I think by bending over backwards for people who had no warmth for me and my children. No more.

After 10 years I can say with confidence that step parenting problems are exactly that - problems with the parents. And rarely, if ever, the child/ren. I’d agree up to a point, well up to when the step kids are adults. And agree it all stems from parents. (And the loose arrangements are a nightmare - one good thing I managed to do was insist on a timetable! Their mum said she ‘had no idea’ that she didn’t do any holidays… ) However when my step kids became adults some things became entrenched, the older ones were resentful for all manner of reasons, and it was always easier to blame me, the outsider, so they continued to do so. However now they dont’ live with either parent, but I am mother to their half brother, I still have to deal with how they are. Which has been bullying to be honest, so I now have a direct problem with one or two of my DSDs!

@Bananasinpyjamas21 I fully agree with you. One of the reasons I split with exdp is that his dc were getting older & I felt their behaviour could no longer be 'blamed' on their dm's attitude or their parenting. They were old enough to start thinking for themselves & develop empathy, & they were out in the world enough to observe 'normal' behaviour. But they chose to keep behaving badly & chose to keep seeing me & my dc the reasons they were unhappy; they didn't even want to entertain the possibility that the tired old Evil Stepmother narrative was wrong!

@SeeYouInFive

As times goes on, the man takes all her efforts and wife work for granted. His fear-driven guilty dad parenting takes its toll on everyone in the household. The SM becomes the ideal scapegoat for everyone else to blame everything on. She becomes angry and resentful of this crap told she never asked for, and for all her good intentions being used against her. She withdraws but I'm doing so becomes that evil SM and therefore even more blameable. This erodes her sense of self in all sorts of ways

This is such an excellent, accurate summary of exactly how it happens.

Jumping in on this thread. The above is spot on.

I met my DP when separated after 18 months and two young children. Looking back I was too eager, too helpful and got too involved helping my DP fight the final elements of the divorce; child access and financials. The EW puts on a false nice front to the world. She is clever. She was disruptive and caused mayhem when flitting between partners/house moves in the first few years. My close involvement meant I was too emotionally involved, helping to fight my DP's battle, not directly with the EW, we bearly speak when seeing each other over the years, but from the sidelines supporting my DP who was almost broken by her. Many atom bombs in our first few years that did cause us stress. Children were always a priority to keep them happy because of her antics. It was tough and I should have seen then my need to step back. EW calmed down a bit for the next few years, so life was pretty much OK all round.

Roll on to last year. Covid of course tough for everyone's lives, children included. Children now aged 10 and 13. Both children have been difficult to say the least at times beyond your normal pre teen and teen behaviour. The EW feels the children are her domain and manipulates them. My DP is similar to most fathers have read about on here. Loves his children very much. Can be a Disney Dad and let's them get away with things. When with us I have tried to teach them basic manners and create a happy home. Biting my tongue so many times and as they have grown, issues post the divorce that have absolutely nothing to do with me are starting to arise, especially this past year. My DP is afraid to tackle the EW when needed for fear of a fallout and restricted child access. As she will take no responsibility for her actions.

Alarmingly to me, but as written in the quote, the SM gets the blame. It has been a simmering pot for a while. Taking the blame for silly things. A no to something from me can result in all hell breaking lose. Resistance to anything I say or do. Lies. Accused it is my fault we can't all be one happy extended family because I don't like the EW. I have never said this to the children. Basically a lot being thrown at me and over Easter I had had enough and reached my tipping point. Big argument between my DP and i before the children arrived. Words of just how fed up i was with little to no support basically. I was angry and upset. I detached during their time with us and then i start to get blamed for being withdrawn. The children have told the EW I don't like them. She has raised this with DP, he told her about our arguement (she has a way of being nice and getting info from him) and now she is using this as a bat toward me rather than listening to the facts. She is concerned for their well being. The children's behaviour issues and fears, plus basically anything that is wrong with them are now at my door! Ridiculous. These children pretty much would have turned out the same without me in their lives. Infact they wouldn't know the words of please and thank you.

Being a SM and a partner to a man with children can often be the toughest job in the world, with little to no thanks and no appreciation, but so much blame.

@Bananasinpyjamas21 last time I saw my SD was Christmas, she visited our home, gave DP gifts and a card (I’m excluded deliberately) they sat in another room together exchanging gifts and chatting. I gave very jolly hello and goodbye and in return I was given a sulky growl response it was like something you would expect from a hormonal teenager not a near 30 year old! I mentioned to DP when she was gone that I can’t be doing with this and will make myself scarce next time we have a visit, he said no don’t, he will not bring her to our home again as it’s too awkward.

Biting my tongue so many times and as they have grown, issues post the divorce that have absolutely nothing to do with me are starting to arise, especially this past year.
@Liddywiddy I totally identify with this & fully agree. I felt that exdp's dc's bad behaviour was constantly excused because they were the "poor, traumatised children of divorce" - even his extended family carried on like this. But as a mother myself it became glaring obvious as they got older that they were just being allowed to be badly behaved & no one was ever going to properly correct them or challenge them & that they would be forever allowed to walk all over everyone.
It really is remarkably difficult to deal with this dynamic & older dc who have been allowed behave badly from the get go are really hard work as they get older, as in my experience they can get very adept at all sorts of manipulations.

@Magda72 my SD is still playing the traumatised child of divorce now 🙄 she was I believe 18 when DP left his wife, many comments have been made about selling the family home how ex struggles for money these days (she really doesn’t) etc. Even DP has said its pathetic the way she plays the victim and rolls his eyes. He does make excuses for the behaviour though and won’t just call her out on it and say enough, stop now, because she has form for tantrums and cuts off contact with him if she disapproves of anything he says or does

They were old enough to start thinking for themselves & develop empathy, & they were out in the world enough to observe 'normal' behaviour. so agree @magda I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Having adult step kids heaping their resentment on is quite toxic and detrimental to our own families, who ultimately we need to protect. One of my DSDs has shown signs of wanting to have a relationship with me, in a muddled way. She wasn’t happy that I was just polite and not immediately ‘grateful’ and back to my old self which would have done a lot for her. For the first time I think she realises I have an invisible barrier and is shocked. To her, the ‘evil step mum’ means that she was the wronged one, and doesn’t see me as a human being at all still.

@Tara336 that sounds so familiar, the manipulating behaviour is quite hard to fix when it starts - that petty ‘small’ stuff like only giving some people presents - I think it’s hugely damaging. I’m glad your DP can see this though. I have had the last 3 Christmas’s of the older DSD giving her half brother and not her step brother presents (me never, of course!) - which I think is pretty unforgivable. I know others may disagree, but my DS, their step brother, lived with the DSDs for 7 years, the oldest one full-time. Their half brother only a couple of years. It’s a really horrible way of showing that ‘only blood counts’ and honestly I’m sick of it.

Especially as they don’t actually have an interest in their half brother at all, no birthdays, no visits, no asking after him. It’s just point scoring and it stinks really.

Oldest DSD also refuses to say hello, and whispers to her father if she needs to ask for something, like say a cup of tea, as apparently I make her feel too awkward to actually ask me. Honestly, she’s 25 now FFS! She also takes over the house as soon as she steps in, orders the dog around, comments negatively on anything that’s changed. (Ex) DH always took her side, one reason he’s an EX!

Youngest DSD is actually fine, so it doesn’t have to be like that. She had a hard time adjusting to me, understandable in a step child, but over the years has come to have a quiet respect for me. She doesn’t seek a relationship, or even say Hello a lot of the time! No interest in her half brother, but doesn’t pretend that it’s my fault, or be divisive about it. Crucially she doesn’t come with burning resentment. Recently she actually stayed with me for a few weeks to overcome some anxiety.

This is my home, my kids and I just reached the end of tolerating divisive behaviour. We are all the happier for it.

She has raised this with DP, he told her about our arguement (she has a way of being nice and getting info from him) and now she is using this as a bat toward me rather than listening to the facts. She is concerned for their well being. The children's behaviour issues and fears, plus basically anything that is wrong with them are now at my door! Ridiculous. These children pretty much would have turned out the same without me in their lives. Infact they wouldn't know the words of please and thank you.

I get the same, although it's from my H as well as the rest of his children's family.

It's pretty much the same story - a very long period of giving and giving and still being scapegoated. Having my basic needs overridden using the SC and their poor, beleaguered father as a pretext (the classic SM tale of being utterly fucked over in pregnancy, during labour and with a tiny newborn - except that in my case even his ex told him that he shouldn't pick the SC up immediately after dropping home from the hospital; I got a single night before they descended and were allowed to run riot). A huge blow out, withdrawal and suddenly I'm totally evil and abusive.

Even the SC not knowing please and thank you (or sorry, not that they are willing to say it) if it weren't for me. Their parents certainly weren't going to teach them absolutely basic manners.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.

@Bananasinpyjamas21 what gets me is DP went insane and tore a card up from other SC when I was deliberately missed off it (I did not condone that and it was done in private not in front of SC) he said it was shameful behaviour and I’d never tolerate my own adult children do that. But SD has been allowed to do this as there is an underlying threat all the time of her going NC which DP worries about so he allows this behaviour to continue. I’ve quietly ignored it but I am glad he’s said he won’t have this anymore.

I worry about being to outing but if I explained the whole saga of whats gone on to quite shocking and tbh both SC are nasty pieces of work. SD criticised my very close relationship with my own children as “not normal” ie chatting on phone, seeing each other regularly etc I have no idea what is not normal about that? Also seemed at times extremely jealous of time spent as a family without SD ie a day out together with my children/family it’s all very weird! It’s like SD just wants DP to just sit quietly waiting for her to be available to him, every birthday and Christmas after he left his ex wife he spent alone! SC didnt ask or care what he might be doing, he now has a home life with me and my family have embraced him he loves it! There would have always been room for SC in that set up but they rejected it and resent him for having it

@Magda72

Biting my tongue so many times and as they have grown, issues post the divorce that have absolutely nothing to do with me are starting to arise, especially this past year. *@Liddywiddy* I totally identify with this & fully agree. I felt that exdp's dc's bad behaviour was constantly excused because they were the "poor, traumatised children of divorce" - even his extended family carried on like this. But as a mother myself it became glaring obvious as they got older that they were just being allowed to be badly behaved & no one was ever going to properly correct them or challenge them & that they would be forever allowed to walk all over everyone. It really is remarkably difficult to deal with this dynamic & older dc who have been allowed behave badly from the get go are really hard work as they get older, as in my experience they can get very adept at all sorts of manipulations.

I think what you are describing is such a damaging dynamic for everyone - especially the 'poor, damaged children from the broken family'. It does them absolutely no favours.

My SC are only 4 and 7 but they are absolutely aware that they can manipulate the situation in various ways. SD in particular. She knows that her dad is riddled with guilt and scared she don't want to see him. She knows that the fear of not seeing her (or the experience of it if she'd been self isolating, for example) can be used to get what she wants. Seriously, after a period of self isolation she kept going on and on about how daddy needs to remember that 'we live here too' and quickly worked out that a sad face and 'I miss you' could get her anything she wanted. She knows that she can behave dreadfully towards me and her dad will get angry at me about it. They both know they can complain to their mum and she'll threaten their dad about how they're so scared and sad and don't want to come. And full on Disney will definitely follow.
They not scared in the least (scared children do not behave like they own the place, order everyone around and refuse to do anything they're asked to). And they are happy (or think they are) - they've got their own rooms, videogames, loads of toys, trips out with daddy and no consequences here. They've just learned a brilliant way to get a new toy, a day out and McDonald's for dinner.

None of this is in any way sophisticated or clever. But they are learning that manipulation is the way to get what they (think they) want. It's not their fault. There's nothing inherent to the children that means they have to be like this. Their parents - through their screwed up dynamics - are actively teaching them to do this. Better parenting would change things entirely. But their parents would have to make big changes to their own thinking and behaviour for that to happen.

It's awful. I dread to think what they're going to turn out like. They'd be so much better if their father and his family would just get over the divorce thing. Both his parents' divorce and his divorce. Seeing the children as poor victims does them no favours at all. If they were just treated as normal children with clear and consistent expectations and boundaries, then I'm sure they would grow up to become lovely people. If they do manage that, it will be despite (rather than because of) their parents and extended family.

But SD has been allowed to do this as there is an underlying threat all the time of her going NC which DP worries about so he allows this behaviour to continue.

It's so clear that this is why she will keep doing it. And how she learned to be like this in the first place.

I fear this is my SD's future. She's very clearly being taught that an underlying threat of NC is the ultimate weapon against her father. By both her parents.

What I don't think my husband understands is that I don't blame the 7 year old. I blame him. I dislike the behaviour and its effects immensely. But I actually feel sorry for SD that her parents are not just allowing it, but encouraging and even cultivating it. She's a little girl; she deserves better than that.

I do wonder whether I'm being misogynistic here, so correct me if I am.. but if these dads were able to parent without the threat of contact being pulled by ex, and ex insecurities around stepmums weren't played out in the form of creating loyalty bonds, surely the dc would grow up happy and healthy. But I am loathe to blame the issue solely on the woman.

@StarryNight468

I do wonder whether I'm being misogynistic here, so correct me if I am.. but if these dads were able to parent without the threat of contact being pulled by ex, and ex insecurities around stepmums weren't played out in the form of creating loyalty bonds, surely the dc would grow up happy and healthy. But I am loathe to blame the issue solely on the woman.

Well the mum clearly plays a part.

But these fearful dads don't actually take these terrible contact threateners to court and get CAOs. If they did, they'd actually remove their trump card excuse for why they can't step up and parent their children.

I would imagine that the vast majority of RPs don't want to encourage this awful dynamic nor do they want to deal with the consequences and aftermath of Disney dad behaviour when the kids come back to them. They probably also recognise the value of the break they get when the kids are with their dad.

With all that in mind, this 'fear' that the evil ex will pull contact is probably about as genuine as any of the other excuses for it.

In my H's case, his ex would hate not to get EOW free. She wants as much maintenance as possible but I know for a fact that her ideal contact arrangement would be EOW plus every Friday night. She doesn't want to pull contact. But she knows that the threat gets him to pay attention.

Actually what he's scared of is his children deciding they don't want to see him if it's not fun enough and there isn't enough in it for them. It's really very sad that he has do little faith in his children - both their characters and their love for him. He just does not trust that they will want to see him just because they love him.

I think with loyalty binds, mothers aren't necessarily doing it on purpose.

I'm pretty sure the loyalty binds my SC struggle with are nothing to do with a malevolent exW. It's more that she's made being a mum the entire foundation of her identity. She's got no desire for a career or hobbies or whatever. Being a mum is her reason not to get a paid job (ever again) and also her validation as a worthwhile person.

This affects her children who feel that, for example, eating and enjoying food I've cooked is a betrayal of her. It's as if SD feels that it takes something away from her mum if I am good at cooking too.

These things are complicated. It's the same with the fear and guilt riddled dads. They aren't trying to be bad guys (quite the opposite I think). But their actions and attitudes cause all sorts of problems.

@StarryNight468 I have learnt over the years in my relationship that all the blame does not lay solely at the EW's feet. Their marriage had communication issues long before it ended and even when in mediation they were told they had underlying issues between them. It has never been resolved and never will be.

What has gone out the window is that these two people were married and the children were planned. Raise them together. But they had different parenting ideas when the children came along and as far as the EW is concerned it is her domain to raise them. It is how she was raised, the mother being the primary carer. Their marriage ending has allowed her to enforce this even more so and due to their communication issues at times, my DP has a constant battle on his hands with her. He picks his battles nowadays and the biggest battle is now I am thrust into the centre of it all, because I have a voice.

I need to go back to being invisible, but so difficult when even the slightest and most innocent of things are being blamed on me as the children struggle right now. The children certainly do know how to manipulate and they also want to please their mother. They are blind sighted and very fickle, with DP now covering them in cotton wool and them knowing this.

The children will have run in's with the mother and father, but they are their parents, so it is almost seen as ok. But dare a SM say 'no' at times, this is blown out of all proportion and I am struggling to find my way out of a situation of being the evil SM and all the current school issues and behaviour is my fault. Apart from shouting at the top of my voice 'look at them, look what you have both done and are doing', mother particularly, I have to be super nice, bite my tongue and try to ride this out.