A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@StarryNight468 I'm glad you had a nice weekend it sounds manageable and like you got some nice quality time with your DC still. Sorry to hear things are still tough with you and dh :( will you be able to try to talk before counselling do you think?

Our weekend was OK, no dsd until September 11th so just mine at home. DP went all out with them and made super effort which I feel is to show me how he does it so expects it back. However, my dd picked the baby up yest when he was crying and me and dp were trying to sort dinner and he went mental saying she shouldn't be picking the baby up when I said she was only doing it to help us both and she is almost 13 so not completely irresponsible. He said well that's fine then if you are happy for your dd to pick him up you'll be fine when dsd picks him up said but dp dsd is 5 not almost 13 and he said oh so now where is the disparity in rules 🙄 had to try to explain that even if dsd was my child she would still not be allowed to pick ds up and that dsd isn't allowed to ride a moped and stay out until 11 like my ds or go shopping and for coffee with her friends like my dd so does that mean she can do all of them things also or are they actually not age appropriate activities. He said I was being ridiculous and trying to ruin 'his moment' with baby ds and dsd when I've had mine with my DC and baby. He did one night feed and has actually been home (albeit wfh) has cooked, cleaned and done lots of house stuff which was amazing so part of what I said went in at least.

Thanks @Vie8126 I'm not sure. Most of the times when we talk it descends into arguing because his arguing style is so toxic. I'm making his sleep on the sofa as he shouted and swore and said that I'm jealous because he has a better relationship with his son then I have with my two as he's more affectionate than I am. That was Friday night, he apologised Saturday morning but I don't particularly care anymore. The argument started over grill holders in the kitchen that I thought were his and not mine. I'm completely fed up of it all and it all goes back to his guilt and wanting dss wants to be centre of my world too.

He's been cooking, cleaning and acting like mr perfect all weekend to make up for it but I don't care. I want my peaceful happy life back. I've never been treated the way dh treats me before (and I had to flee a relationship to live in a refuge many years ago). I told him I want out of this marriage Friday, he asked for my wedding ring so I gave it to him, then Saturday he apologised and asked me to wait until counselling next Tuesday. The only reason I'm allowing him to stay is that I feel I will regret leaving without having done the counselling when the adrenaline wears off.

Argh vie even when she's not there you're still arguing about her! It's so odd that he expects a 5yr old to do what teenagers are allowed to do. Dh is the same with dss. Feels like it's unfair if he isn't allowed to do the same things, but yet when it comes to chores or behaviour it's - why do you expect him to do what your two can do, he's only little.. arghhh

It's so odd that he expects a 5yr old to do what teenagers are allowed to do. Dh is the same with dss. Feels like it's unfair if he isn't allowed to do the same things, but yet when it comes to chores or behaviour it's - why do you expect him to do what your two can do, he's only little.. arghhh

This is precisely the kind of thing a good counsellor can get their teeth right into. We went when we were both at our wits end over the (adult!) DSCs - the counsellor managed to get through to DH when I'd completely failed. Just a few sessions, and a major breakthrough.

I hope @Starseeking that we get the same result!

Want to hear a funny joke - dh is now taking dss back to his dms early instead of going out with him as he's answering back and annoying dh too much and he can't be bothered with it..

Coming from the man who makes me feel bad for not spending enough one on one time with his son.. and the one who said I didnt need loads of thanks for looking after him for 10 when wfh days as that's what step mums should do. But yet its fine for him to cut his 3 days short when he's had him by himself. You couldn't even make this shit up.

@StarryNight468 does this mean that DH will see what you've been saying now his been inconvenienced by the behaviour? Will his dm even be open to having him back early?

I hope your DH recognises how serious things have become with you sleeping separately and having removed your ring. Not long until counselling so I really hope you can get it resolved or at least on the way to being mended.

Madness isn't it that little ones can do whst they want in the name of fairness the fairness that doesn't actually exist. Dp says the same on the rules oh she's only 5 Vie fgs yes but my 5 year olds didn't have endless menu choices and neither will our ds when he is 5 or whatever else he battles on. Oh we always row about her there's always something so dp may send me 20 odd photos of his dd from the school app and I'll reply with awww look at her or cute photos etc or something and that won't be good enough so that would be a row or I don't tolerate the bullshit from his stepfather in relation to contact and he sees it that it's me being difficult for context... Court ordered that mil makes the arrangements and does the pick ups, ex is so toxic that she would regularly verbally abuse mil via text and in person that it caused her to have such a breakdown that she wouldn't even talk to dp or me and in fact blocked everyone so she wasn't in the middle and we were NC with mil my entire pregnancy. Due to this she had her dp of 10 years (my dps 'stepfather' I guess) take over the contact arrangements, pick ups etc. Ex has now managed to get him on her side so we was having conversations with him over challenges we were having over contact and he was siding with her and actually had a screaming row with me on the phone and was extremely rude to dp that we don't let him now have contact with baby. The whole thing is a massive shit show I've had several arguments with his stepfather over contact, things that are being said and had to tell him that he should not be giving the ex a voice (he would call up and question dp over maintenance for example as she told him it wasn't enough) I've had to now accept mil back into the family for ds... The only solution to all of this is for me to be the contact with the ex if and when we can get it to court. Add the financials from the divorce which sees her demanding a house that isn't hers and ridicukius sums of money, having to go without dp whilst he works his arse off to pay the never ending solicitors bills, his Disney dadding, and the fact I will never give him the right amount of attention regarding his dd and then he wonders why there is always such emotive feelings around contact! Same for us all no doubt with varying degrees of toxicity none of which we invited in really and none of which we deal with from our own ex dp for those of us with kids.

@StarryNight468 sounds like you're having a really tough time - and depending which will help more!

I'm saving bringing it up until counselling. I bit my lip hard when he came back and continued moaning that dss was still answering back and being rude in the car. Dss mum was happy to have him back, she hates him spending time with us. Dss going back combined with dss telling her about his dad telling him off all day will mean she's in her element. She likes to say things like - do you feel safe when your dad tells you off, why did you get told off about that, are you sad, is going to your dads and starry making you upset and on and on and on.

Vie I cannot comprehend how hard this all must be for you right now especially on top of just having a baby. I completely agree, none of us invited this drama into our lives and yet now our heads are filled with it. I saw a thread about snapping fingers and being single earlier. If I could snap my fingers and go back in time I would not be in this situation right now. I thought dh, then dp, was different than the others on this board. We spoke a out guilt parenting and I really felt we were a team before we got married. Now its just a shit show and a daily battle about his parenting whether dss is here or not.

@harryclr gin sounds amazing for tonight!

@StarryNight468 definately have a gin!!! I'm glad the weekend has had some positives at least so we have to take the positives as small wins sometimes or well I'm pretty sure we would all give up. Oh your dss has one of them mums, we have one who will only allow contact when it suits but still fills her 5 year old (and 4 and 3 year old if you go back over time!) head with shit and stuff a child should not be repeating and isn't true!!

I get that about feeling like a team and then things changing. We had all this once had some massive rows and it stopped and it changed again and this time well its far more hellish!

@Bonheurdupasse He didn't get angry at any point. We were chatting when lying in bed and it was all calm. To be fair to him it was the first time when he stood his ground and completely shut. Other times he listens and tries to understand and work out some sort of solution.

@Vie8126 It would be ideal to find a DP who would always agree but how boring would that be I will see what he is going to do now and take it from there.
Good to see your DP is helping a bit and hope it stays like that. How would he be okay with his DD aged 5 lifting DS up when he would be crying. Im sure you wouldn't object to her doing it if she was older and as you mentioned, she wouldn't be allowed to do it at the age of 5 if she was your daughter. It sonda almost as if he was jelaous that your DD is older and can do more with DS.

@Starrynight468 even if we move in together there is not going to be any blending. My DS has been completely alienated by my exh and I have very limited time with him (despite court order) so I'm on my own without DS to potentially blend. I'll see what DP is going to do now, this is going to indicate what I can expect down the line.

Haha on DH returning DSS to mum earlier. I would celebrate it quietly it didn't take long for karma to do the job - lesson learned hard way for your DH.

@Vie8126 I've missed an important emoji in the reply to you! So here it goes again:

It would be ideal to find a DP who would always agree but how boring would that be I will see what he is going to do now and take it from there.

Hi everyone, I'm new to posting on this board. Have been with my partner for almost 9 months now. We are both primary care parents for our DC. She has a daughter who is 10, I have a DS who is 6. My DS does like being around her daughter most of the time but i'm finding her attitude and rudeness towards my DS very tough atm.
She is a very bratty child and attention seeking. Which is ironic as my partner hates rudeness. I don't think she can see the extend of her DD rudeness.
Today i've just had enough. We all went out together with my partners friends. Their children came too, one of which is my partners DD good friend. Her attitude towards me, my DS and her mum was awful. Speaking to us like we were dirt on her shoes, no manners, bossing my DS about. Getting in a strop when she couldnt have what she wanted. Ignoring my DS in the car when he was trying to speak to her (which usually she doesnt do) wouldnt let him join in the game she was playing but when my DS played a game she "joined" in then snatched it from him. Whispering with DS when she was told not to and encouraging my DS to not tell us stuff.

Going forward in the future if we were ever to live together i dont think i can. I dont think i could live with her DD.
When my partner tells her DD off, her DD then emotionally blackmails her and says why are you being so mean and cries, she then refuses to talk to her and strops off. My partner hates this so will creep up to her and kiss and cuddle her. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the ramble.

Haha yes it was definitely a bit of karma he later on rang dh asking for money for minecoins and dh gave it to him. He hung up the phone and complained about it. He's an absolute sucker and gets played like a fiddle. Not my problem though and if I do stay with him after counselling then I'll be encouraging their alone time even more!

@Vie8126 those mums are the worst. I just don't get why they think its ok to emotionally damage their dc like it. I think the majority of Disney dadding stems from those mums.

@Lena007 well you can't say you didn't know what you were getting into if you do move in (joke, I can't judge you for doing what I did).

@Bustamove90 mate my dss does the emotional blackmail thing and dh does the creeping thing too. It's so annoying! Just think what nightmares these dc are going to become as teenagers! Dss is also bossy, controlling, domineering and mean too. I just keep telling myself that it's not his fault his parents haven't taught him how to be nice. Definitely don't move in! My dc aren't perfect and I'm sure yours isn't either, no one expects perfect dc, but at least tell them off and explain to them what they've done and not to do it again. Basic parenting and all that!

@StarryNight468 it is SO annoying!! Ugh i dread to think of the mayhem shes going to cause when shes a teenager!
Yes i know my DS is not perfect and im not always a perfect parent, but i always pull my DS up on rudeness and he would not dare speak to another person in the way my partners DD speaks to people.
Another thing i worry about is her behaviour rubbing off on him! He kind of looks up to her but obviously she isn't the best role model!

Argh I broke talk guidelines by saying words that dss is allowed to use that are offensive. I cant be bothered to write my post out again atm but I feel your pain @Bustamove90!

Well I've just told my partner that her child emotionally malnipulates her when she's being told off. Didn't go down well................. Lesson learnt to keep that to myself. Although I don't feel her DD learns from being told off and continues her bad behaviour every single time

@Bustamove90 yup but you won't be able to help yourself if you do move in together.

Another funny moment today - we were watching Friday night dinner, the episode when Adam is ill and his mum is babying him massively. I joked that that was dh towards dss and my dc were in hysterics. Dh tried to say he wasn't that bad and dd laughed at dh and dss baby words like nuggy (for nugget) and cud cud for cuddles . Luckily dh didn't turn horrible about it 😅

Hello all, I have just stumbled across this thread and feel like I need some advice.

My apologies as I started typing then it got LONG.

I have been with DP for 2.5 years and he has a DS13 who lives with him 50/50. We have previously discussed me moving into their apartment (I was there during lockdown last year & spend a fair amount of time there, with and without his DS) but we just spent 2 weeks on holiday together and I am having some serious doubts.

I bent over backwards trying to make sure they had nice holiday: free accomodation in my parents' house abroad, thought of a hundred things they might like to do or places they might like to go, checked in regularly to see if they were having fun, wanted to do something different, etc., and I was mostly met with blank faces. My parents even remarked that they had never seen me work so hard and it was upsetting to only get 10% back (first time they have met DSS or spent a full 10 days with us all together as I live in a differnt country).

I knew that neither of them were very expressive (I have raised this before on days out and my DP has made an effort to give more positive feedback) but all in all, I found the holiday very stressful, anxious, and I was rather hurt.

With specific regard to the DSS, there was one particular day when I asked him to get the towels. He was looking at his phone so held a finger up as in "I am busy, wait". In reaction, I said to him "are you serious? You are seriously going to raise a finger as if I am a waitress?" but he said nothing and I repeated to go get the towels, which he did.

Later that same day, we went to a bakery and after sitting there unresponsive and drinking his father's juice, I said "we are going to choose some sandwiches to take to the beach when we go up to pay.
Come and choose something". He got up and slouched back to the car, calling back over his shoulder to "just get him whatever dad's having." I was incensed so I shouted after him that he appeared to have taken us for his domestic servants and to get back over here. He didn't but I locked the car and left him waiting for us while we got the sandwiches, and I rather childishly chucked the bag at him saying "Your delivery, sire".

The thing is that my DP did not react to either situation. He has said that I am to intervene where I see fit and that he won't step in and say things for me because he wants his DS to recognise me as an equal authority. However, when I raised this later in the day when we were alone and said "I really did not appreciate DSS's behaviour today and I am surprised you said nothing at all", my DP claimed at first to not have seen the finger incident, and then that his DS was talking to him about the sandwich so there was no disrespect to me. I pointed out that if we are a team, it doesn't matter which one he is speaking disrespectfully to,it is both of us. He was very defensive of his son (which I understand) but to the point that he thinks I should show no irritation or annoyance however his son behaves "because teenagers are just difficult anyway" and never raise my voice. He also said that I was making the situation worse by observing DSS's behavior (rather than any acknowledgement that his son was rude).

Thank you if you got this far. I am not sure what advice I am looking for really, but this and a few other holiday incidents have left me wondering if I am really ready or willing to take on DP and DSS under the same roof. I am already having to give up a lot in my eyes (my own place, independence, moving to their flat in their area) and I am ntot sure I can take battle with a disrespectful DSS on top of that. Nor is it fair to impose myself on him if this is some form of acting out against me specifically.

@holrosea I understand that must feel horrible as you don't really have any control over the situation. I don't think his behaviour is outside of teenage norms if I'm honest. My teens wouldn't behave like that with me but I could well imagine my ds not speaking and ignoring things (he's 14) if he was with his dads partners parents on holiday. I suppose the difference is that I could tell him off and he'd then behave better even if he felt out of his depth and so would his dad. My dcs dad is Jamaican, he's so on it with manners, I didnt realise what lovely manners my dc have because of that until dss came along. Things like saying hello, please, thank you, clearing up after yourself, cleaning the shower after using it ect have all been drilled into my dc and I'm sure that's a cultural thing.

However, I think your dp not talking things through with you and not expecting his son to be a bit more polite is the issue. Yes teenagers are knobs sometimes, but that doesn't mean you ignore it and not parent them. It may have been better if you had framed it as - I'm worried that dss is not having a nice holiday as he is coming across as really miserable, do you think he's ok? That may have brought it to dps attention in a better way. I'd expect to be able to have conversations around ds behaviour and him talk things through with you before moving in.

@Starrynight468 - thank you! I lack outside perspective as I know few step parents and living abroad, I am away from family and a few "core" friends. My DP is the only person I have been able to have a first-hand experience conversation about step parenting but he's hardly impartial in this! And don't get me started on the manners.

I think my main frustration is that I know that DSS is a normal kid and can be very lovley. At family get togethers he can be very chatty, and when I left him with my parents for an evening, they said how good his English is and that they even got him dancing! However, I get to see that side so very rarely (DP is as expressive as a rock and I think he follows this cue).

I bought tickets to interactive kids museums, I took him mountain biking, I took him running, I taught him to paddleboard on holiday, I watch scary films with him... and yet he is so impassive. I barely got a smile on any occasion and the most frequently aked question is "how long do we have to stay here? " or "when is lunch?". I did science experiments with him during lockdown which got a bit more out of him, but I really do feel I have to walk a mile to get him to move an inch towards me. And I wonder why he can be expressive with others but rarely around me (again, I think he takes his cue from his rock of a father).

And yes, you're right in that my DP is not really preapred to talk about it. He takes time to come around to things, he likes to turn them over in his own mind and will not be pushed. That is ok, but I feel like he is making excuses too.

I.E. DSS just hands whatever he's finished with to DP (mobile phone, empty plate, ice cream wrapper, dirty socks, book, WHATEVER) and it drives me insane. I have mentioned it to both of them, that DP is not a skivvy andthat DSS is old enought to know what to do with the random item, but in private DP says that children of a separation do regress and resort to more childlike behaviour for security. OK, but the separation was in 2018 and surely reinforcing it is not helpful???

Sorry - I forgot to also say thank you for the "maybe if you framed it as "I am worried DSS is not having a good time"", which is sound advice and was my initial position.

On day 3, when the three of us were at the dinner table I said to DSS "I reslise that you didn't like the beach today [sulked all day] and you have said that it's "not your thing" to spend all day at a beach. That is fine, but you need to tell us what you might like to do. Maybe you'd like to visit a town, a museum, maybe you want to see more sights, maybe you'd like to do something sporty or try out something new like horse riding [no]. If you need some time to think about it you can have a look online, search for a few things with your dad and we'll see what we can do. We are trying to make sure that you enjoy your holiday, but it is our holiday too, so everyone needs to join in to make sure that we all get to do something we like."

By day 10 I had literally no patience left.

‘Blending’ just seems so complicated and hard work a lot of the time! Hats off to those trying to balance different families. I know that things got better for me when I stopped trying to ‘balance’ and ‘be a good step mum’ - I centred myself more on being a good mum to my own first and foremost - then treated everyone else respectfully and kindly but kept a distance.

Although my ‘blended’ family did not work - so perhaps I’m not best placed for advice!

Welcome @holrosea and @Bustamove90 there are some other step mums here very willing to share their experiences and help each other.

@holrosea I would seriously stop putting so much thought, money and effort into organising things for him. Him being surly and impassive will be far less stressful if you're just sat at home.