A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

How is everyone getting on??

Was meant to have dsd this weekend after a 10 week hiatus due to various things but the last 3 contact weekends due to her dm. But now her dm has declined again this time stating she doesn't get her maintenance on time (she does) so unless she gets her money on a Friday instead of a Monday she won't hand dsd over for contact. The nexr contact weekend is dps birthday so we won't have her then there will be some other lame excuse I'm sure. Then dp is moving from weekly pay to monthly so no maintenance will be paid until the end of October so guess we won't see her then either. All of this to prevent dsd from meeting her baby brother, try to upset my DP and cause upset/angst in my household. No thought at all to what she is doing to a 5 year old child who hasn't seen her dad in almost 3 months and knew her baby brother was being born soon.

@aSofaNearYou - thank you! Very sound advice and I am certain you are 100% right.

DP is a slow mover but not disengaged, so we actually had a few chats after the post-holiday arguments calmed down. We brought DSS into our discussion at the weekend to tell him that we all need to work on making an effort to communicate with one another and share things (with concrete examples of when it's not working well), and that when I do move in we hope that we will operate as a unit. He seemed to take it in and listen (he rarely says much back in the moment) so fingers crossed.

Apart from that, I am holding off actually moving in before we see what happens over the next few months. Frankly, hats off to all the step parents out there who are making a good hash of it.

Heya @Vie8126 we're all good here, marriage counselling has started and it's going well. Really well! I feel like we're closer and the counsellor says we're stuck in reality wars and dh is listening to me and also being honest himself.

Vie I don't even know what to say, what a horrible woman and a horrible position for you to be in. How's the divorce and the question of the house going?

@StarryNight468 I am so pleased that counselling is going well!! It must be so nice after everything to feel so close to your DP. How has it been with dss around? I hope its still the same and DP is taking on board the factors coming out of the counselling. We could probably do with some couples counselling too if I'm honest.

Ah the divorce well... She changed solicitors 3 weeks before first court hearing, new solicitors didn't get her paperwork in time (of course 🙄) so they had to ask for a postponement we had to agree or could be frowned upon in court. This is her 3rd solicitor in under a year. We now wait for new date. In the meantime dp has to continue to pay for a loan from their marriage and her car of around 500 a month. Taken a pay cut but cms won't change the amount he has to pay until annual review in Jan and also won't add our son on. Its not about not paying for them but we also have to live. We can't remortgage add me to the mortgage or even get a secured loan to cover solicitors bills, barristers fees, the debt etc as she has a hold on the house at land registry.

I spent a good few days torturing myself mentally that they had two cars (yep still taking dp to the station albeit at 6am but do that come back feed baby and out again to take dd to school) and she didn't work before hand and didn't work after dsd was born, still works around school pick up and drop off and yet I'm being asked when I intend to return to work full time and will never get to do all of that with my boy. Felt like a second class citizen in comparison and took me two or three days of constant crying to try to move on.

@Vie8126 well we've had bedtimes (finally) and dh is making a huge effort with being consistent around answering back. I do feel it's gone slightly the other way though. Dh isn't very good at the middle ground and it feels he's being on dss case too much in some ways. He needs to find the balance of being firm and putting in a consequence instead of getting annoyed with dss. I am hopeful that it will all work out, I also feel very loved, the counselling is £75 a go, dh is paying for it and it's our priority at the moment. Dh also wants our relationship to be solid and to build a good marriage. I feel like he's not just talking the talk, he's wanting to have those uncomfortable conversations and put the effort in to fix where we've gone wrong. As I feel loved and nurtured again I give a lot less of a shit about minor things surrounding dss and dh.

Vie I really recommend couples counselling. You're not wrong in how you feel and that resentment will eat away at you for the rest of your relationship otherwise. Don't go to relate though, get a qualified and experienced professional.

Hi everyone

I've been married to my DP for 6 years now. He has three sons now 18, 17 and 13 with his EW. We now have a DS 4years and a DD 13 months .

I've been going through this alone for so long I don't know where to start. I met my partner a long time ago. Everything was great. I was introduced to his sons when they were little and we made sure I wasn't a replacement "mum" I was just me. I love to go out on a bubbly sociable person love organising parties dinners out etc. So it was fun to finally organise things with little people. But then the EW got jealous. Jealous of our trips abroad (because I love it and I persuaded my DP that it would be fun) jealous of our lives, jealous of everything we did with them. So she took it out on them. As soon as they got back from our weekend/holiday they'd get shouted at told their father is dreadful etc. There's a whole narrative of "we are boring, you won't have fun there, they don't understand you" but the EW DOES...!
Then we had my DS. Clearly we had the usual issues of a newborn in a blended family. Us trying to be a united front. This is your brother we are in it together. Me sacrificing my own first pregnancy keeping it on the DL so I didn't hurt their feelings ensuring that when he was born my DP spent alone time with them despite me having a newborn. What happened? Further resentment from the EW.
Fast forward another 3 years and we've just had our DD who is just over a year. We've been in lockdown for most of that time and they've all been with the EW and her partner (who might I add lives in the house funded by us) They've refused to come here the entire summer. Nothing we do is good enough. Made to feel like our house is a hotel not a family home. Ignored the fact that is was our DD first birthday or our DA fourth and yet I'm supposed to carry on like nothing had happened.
I can't take it anymore. We moved 5 years ago (my sacrifice) to ensure my DP was closer to them so as to avoid EW using distance against him for NC. How much more can I give with nothing back. Also now how do I reconcile their dreadful behaviour (manipulation to get what they want or NC) with our own parenting of our own children! Also now the emotional impact they are having on our children!
I've read a lot of comments and I'm hoping someone out there might have the answer or at least a happy ending. I don't want to give up on this but I'm finding it so hard. I guess also no one understands. There aren't many people I meet who have SC and the usual you should have known always comes back to bite me!

@SGDCant it's shit giving so much and not getting back. Any other relationship (friendship, parental, partner) you have a natural give and take. With sdc who experience loyalty binds and jealousy you won't. For your own MH you need to find a way to step back and disengage. What does your dh think and feel around his dc and their behaviour?

[quote Starrynight468]@SGDCant it's shit giving so much and not getting back. Any other relationship (friendship, parental, partner) you have a natural give and take. With sdc who experience loyalty binds and jealousy you won't. For your own MH you need to find a way to step back and disengage. What does your dh think and feel around his dc and their behaviour?[/quote]
He's supportive but it's clearly difficult he's in a rock and a hard place. We are at a loss as to what to do. He feels like he can't say anything to them but can with our children. It's infuriating. You're totally right I just don't know how to step back and keep calm!

@SGDCant I just wanted to express sympathy at your post.
I was in a similar position with my exdp but we had no dc together.
His dcs behaviour & hostility to me & my dc (driven by mum) got worse & worse as they got older & we handled it by him seeing them alone. He was able to do this as he had kept a small house in the town where the dc lived & we had no shared children so he had no responsibility to other dc.
I've no real advice to give as ime older dc who choose to side with mum aren't really for changing & you & your dh may have to deal with the fact that your dc will not experience strong sibling bonds with his older dc. I think your dh may have to take to seeing them alone on neutral ground in order to maintain contact.
However, I will also say that I really feel for the 13 year old here who is most likely following the older ones lead & I think it would be worth your dh's while to try to 'separate' (iyswim) them from their older siblings in order to give them a chance to feel part of your family. If the older two don't want to stay fine - but the younger should be given the opportunity to. They're still quite young & most likely will find themselves alone when the older two go to uni/college/work.

@SGDCant what a sad situation. I’m certainly not going to say you knew what you were getting into - that’s just nasty. But I do think that if you have an ex in the background jealous/ unhappy/ non supportive then any form of ‘blending’ becomes so unbelievably challenging.

Of course any child will have a period of adjustment with the arrival of half-siblings. But with proper emotional support, they navigate / adjust just fine. If the RP however is completely unsupportive? Then I think it’s very very difficult.

The older children will either be doing what is needed to protect themselves (align to the mother). Or they will have gone completely native; basically internalising all the rubbish she will have said about family number 2 displacing family number 1. Whichever it is, there is nothing you can do sadly. This is for your husband to deal with.

I agree with @Magda72 in terms of the 13 year old however. Is there anyway they can carve out some 121 time to try and work on their relationship?

In terms of your role? I’d just focus on your family and see what happens with time as the children get older and more independent. There’s nothing you can do here.

[quote sassbott]@SGDCant what a sad situation. I’m certainly not going to say you knew what you were getting into - that’s just nasty. But I do think that if you have an ex in the background jealous/ unhappy/ non supportive then any form of ‘blending’ becomes so unbelievably challenging.

Of course any child will have a period of adjustment with the arrival of half-siblings. But with proper emotional support, they navigate / adjust just fine. If the RP however is completely unsupportive? Then I think it’s very very difficult.

The older children will either be doing what is needed to protect themselves (align to the mother). Or they will have gone completely native; basically internalising all the rubbish she will have said about family number 2 displacing family number 1. Whichever it is, there is nothing you can do sadly. This is for your husband to deal with.

I agree with @Magda72 in terms of the 13 year old however. Is there anyway they can carve out some 121 time to try and work on their relationship?

In terms of your role? I’d just focus on your family and see what happens with time as the children get older and more independent. There’s nothing you can do here.[/quote]
Thank you for this I think ultimately youre right I think focusing on us and hope things settle. No matter what you think you're getting into... no one really knows do they? I certainly didn't or even when we had our own children! It's all a learning curve. Thank you so much for listening just having other ladies going through this situation has been a god send this weekend.
We had lunch with the SS and it was lovely. Lots of things that could be better about the situation but let's face it the fact we are even spending time together all of us is a good thing x

[quote Magda72]@SGDCant I just wanted to express sympathy at your post.
I was in a similar position with my exdp but we had no dc together.
His dcs behaviour & hostility to me & my dc (driven by mum) got worse & worse as they got older & we handled it by him seeing them alone. He was able to do this as he had kept a small house in the town where the dc lived & we had no shared children so he had no responsibility to other dc.
I've no real advice to give as ime older dc who choose to side with mum aren't really for changing & you & your dh may have to deal with the fact that your dc will not experience strong sibling bonds with his older dc. I think your dh may have to take to seeing them alone on neutral ground in order to maintain contact.
However, I will also say that I really feel for the 13 year old here who is most likely following the older ones lead & I think it would be worth your dh's while to try to 'separate' (iyswim) them from their older siblings in order to give them a chance to feel part of your family. If the older two don't want to stay fine - but the younger should be given the opportunity to. They're still quite young & most likely will find themselves alone when the older two go to uni/college/work.[/quote]
This is really insightful thank you so much for this I'll definitely take this on board and we can work on this. It's been such a great relief to be able to talk about this and hear about what others have gone through. No one really truly understands unless they've been through it themselves!

@SGDCant many sympathies from me too. I do have a kind of similar experience. I have two boys, one is my step kids half brother, the older is a step brother to them.

Like you I tried, moved to where the step kids were. EW was very difficult and jealous also, and undermined me often. Like you, the older step daughters were on team mum, and followed her ‘style’ which was manipulative.

It was very divisive, they did show their half brother some attention at first, but ignored their step brother (who they’d known for 4 years at that point) completely, which was extremely hurtful. The attention they showed their half brother was more ‘ownership’ than bonding, and erratic so birthdays would be ignored but sometimes they’d put pressure on their father to ‘bring their half brother’ to their mums home for part of Christmas Day, for example (leaving me and their step brother at home? No thanks!)

There were younger step daughters who were not manipulative and quite nice girls really. However they didn’t bond with us, and started to be quite distant. They rarely visit, perhaps once or twice a year as young adults. I now believe it is because they, kind of understandably, get too much grief if they are seen to be nice to ‘us’ (me, both sons, their father). So they are now very distant.

In the end I had to decide. Years more of ‘trying’ to be fair and open invites to ensure all siblings, step, half or otherwise, had nice fun times together and some kind of a relationship? Continually inviting, persuading. Only to have this repeatedly thrown in my face. Oh just withdraw completely and take care of my own.

I’ve just withdrawn completely and it’s so much better. It’s better for my son’s also. They are no longer being divided, or ignored, or talked down to, or in the middle of all that bad feeling. Even when it was just directed at me, my son’s saw it and were distressed by it. So I’d say withdraw, enjoy love and protect your own unit. You can still keep things open for your children’s siblings, but better recognise the reality now.

[quote Bananasinpyjamas21]@SGDCant many sympathies from me too. I do have a kind of similar experience. I have two boys, one is my step kids half brother, the older is a step brother to them.

Like you I tried, moved to where the step kids were. EW was very difficult and jealous also, and undermined me often. Like you, the older step daughters were on team mum, and followed her ‘style’ which was manipulative.

It was very divisive, they did show their half brother some attention at first, but ignored their step brother (who they’d known for 4 years at that point) completely, which was extremely hurtful. The attention they showed their half brother was more ‘ownership’ than bonding, and erratic so birthdays would be ignored but sometimes they’d put pressure on their father to ‘bring their half brother’ to their mums home for part of Christmas Day, for example (leaving me and their step brother at home? No thanks!)

There were younger step daughters who were not manipulative and quite nice girls really. However they didn’t bond with us, and started to be quite distant. They rarely visit, perhaps once or twice a year as young adults. I now believe it is because they, kind of understandably, get too much grief if they are seen to be nice to ‘us’ (me, both sons, their father). So they are now very distant.

In the end I had to decide. Years more of ‘trying’ to be fair and open invites to ensure all siblings, step, half or otherwise, had nice fun times together and some kind of a relationship? Continually inviting, persuading. Only to have this repeatedly thrown in my face. Oh just withdraw completely and take care of my own.

I’ve just withdrawn completely and it’s so much better. It’s better for my son’s also. They are no longer being divided, or ignored, or talked down to, or in the middle of all that bad feeling. Even when it was just directed at me, my son’s saw it and were distressed by it. So I’d say withdraw, enjoy love and protect your own unit. You can still keep things open for your children’s siblings, but better recognise the reality now.[/quote]
What a difficult situation. Thank you so much for sharing. I genuinely thought I was the only person dealing with a situation like this. Yes you've hit the nail on the head. What do we do invest and try and keep everyone happy but in the end everyone loses because it's thrown in our face or as you say "withdraw" but keeping civil and open. I think you're right focusing on us and our children but still showing that the door is open for them no matter what is probably the best course and somehow letting it all go. The let it go part I do find difficult!

Can I ask how you all deal with DsC telling lies? SDD has always told a lot of lies and anything she says to us about mum is obviously a lie but anything about us is the gods honest truth so mum can justify kicking off but now she's really stepped up and I'm at a loss

@NightOwl19 what sort of lies? And who is she lying to? How old is she?

@NightOwl19 get it documented that she lies. The school will have a chronology for every single child, talk to the school about the lies and ask for them to be documented. Don't be alone with her either especially if you work with children and a case to LADO could be made against you.

Hi Ladies,

I need some help here as I'm really struggling. We've had a lot of stressful things going on in our lives recently, from deaths to house sales falling through to car accidents and I am 28 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby. Our babies will only be 18months apart which is really frightening me...I am worried / anxious about so many things and I have been finding my partner having a child much, much harder recently. His spreading himself thin already and I am already anticipating how I'm going to feel when baby girl arrives. We have been arguing a lot about time spent with SD, my behaviour when around then both, my feelings/needs being dismissed by him, him always getting defensive, me feeling as though he doesnt give a shit about this pregnancy (he NEVER asks how I am or how the baby is). I know we are both really stressed for various reasons but some things have been said that I cant forget and if im being totally honest with myself, I dont think he truely loves me.

To top it all off, SD BM has tried to commit suicide for the 2nd time in 2 years (she did when I had my first baby) and we had a huge argument again tonight. Its all so shitty and stressful, i've been having panic attacks and crying every day because I'm scared about what the future holds and now I'm even more scared that one day she might actually go through with it and I'll be expected to be so much more than what I signed up for / an capable of. I just want to be a good mum to my 2 children. I dont really know what I'm asking for here...I'm just struggling and dont want a life of unhappiness and feeling so far down the list but I also dont want my children being bought up in a broken home...I feel as though for me it can be partly down to exhaustion and hormones but my partner doesn't have that excuse...

sassbot and Starrynight468 she's 11 and has always told lies to different severity. It can be small lies to get out of trouble or previous big lies that I've said things treated her a certain way etc... and has later admitted all lies but says she doesn't know why she does them but when it's out us her DM jumps all over it and she tells lies about her DM to us but if DP ever brings it up then her DM screams it's lies everyone knows she's a lier.

She's lies at school a lot causing trouble with children, teachers and parents but it's not escalated to the point she's lying about big things again

To top it all off, SD BM has tried to commit suicide for the 2nd time in 2 years (she did when I had my first baby) and we had a huge argument again tonight.

OK, you're into professionals territory here. I'm not one, so suggest you ring your GP, mention that you're pregnant, and say the above. Then ask if they can prescribe you psychological support - your practice may have its own psychologist.

I would say that your partner is under extreme strain here, and try not to have huge expectations of him. The ex is actually blackmailing him. 'Don't have a child with any other woman or I will end myself, and then the kids are both fucked up and your problem' - it doesn't come much worse from a dad's point of view.

Are social services involved, because it will be hugely damaging to the children too. They'd be better off in foster care than put through this wringer repeatedly. Emotional abuse is an indequate expression to describe the impact of this on the kids.

Sorry, the above is @harryclr

@harryclr

Hi Ladies,

I need some help here as I'm really struggling. We've had a lot of stressful things going on in our lives recently, from deaths to house sales falling through to car accidents and I am 28 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby. Our babies will only be 18months apart which is really frightening me...I am worried / anxious about so many things and I have been finding my partner having a child much, much harder recently. His spreading himself thin already and I am already anticipating how I'm going to feel when baby girl arrives. We have been arguing a lot about time spent with SD, my behaviour when around then both, my feelings/needs being dismissed by him, him always getting defensive, me feeling as though he doesnt give a shit about this pregnancy (he NEVER asks how I am or how the baby is). I know we are both really stressed for various reasons but some things have been said that I cant forget and if im being totally honest with myself, I dont think he truely loves me.

To top it all off, SD BM has tried to commit suicide for the 2nd time in 2 years (she did when I had my first baby) and we had a huge argument again tonight. Its all so shitty and stressful, i've been having panic attacks and crying every day because I'm scared about what the future holds and now I'm even more scared that one day she might actually go through with it and I'll be expected to be so much more than what I signed up for / an capable of. I just want to be a good mum to my 2 children. I dont really know what I'm asking for here...I'm just struggling and dont want a life of unhappiness and feeling so far down the list but I also dont want my children being bought up in a broken home...I feel as though for me it can be partly down to exhaustion and hormones but my partner doesn't have that excuse...

I'm so sorry you have all this going on, I don't have any advice apart from maybe contact your GP or midwife and see if there is any support available for yourself

@harryclr I’d echo a previous poster that professional help is really advised. Your GP would be a good start. Also, just to say that I am now a single parent. Of course it’s not what I wanted and I went through a horrible time trying to look after step children rejected by their mother, and got a lot of resentment thrown my way. However if it gets just too tough, being a single parent isn’t the worst thing so never feel trapped. Me and my kids have a great bond and are a great team. There is always a way out even if it’s scary. It may not come to that, you are in a very difficult situation so I’d say survival mode, just get through the next few months, concentrate on your children and yourself. In your home you get to decide and you get to create a lovely home. Your partner will be all over the place so I’d leave him to it a bit to be honest emotionally. I would get social services involved personally. But have some fixed things your husband does to help you with the baby, and some family time. Hold your ground and don’t think about the future. As far as possible don’t let any extreme behaviours from outside become the focus - your kids, you and your home are your focus.

Hi, I'm a stepmother to two kids. One is great, the other is a complete nightmare!

Does anyone else get completed frustrated with the constant attitude of kids!

All the massive drama with DSD is still on going on and it seems like the only time she doesn't speak to me with an attitude or rude is when she wants something off me or her dad is in the room