My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

[CalamityJay]

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

[RevolvingPivot]

Having his kids twice a month can't be shared custody ??

[VodselForDinner]

Also, you’re seeing a man for whom you’ll never be higher than no. 6 on his list of priorities; after the four children and his ex.

[SelkieFly]

This is madness, I think the baby is his and he told you a big web of lies.

[ThatIsMyPotato]

Your boyfriend barely sees the three children he has, so not sure why he’s being lauded as some kind of a super dad. because he is aparantly willing to finance someone else's child for 18+ years.

[KihoBebiluPute]

He's not your 'partner' yet. That word indicates a level of mutual commitment and shared lives that just isn't there in your relationship yet and may never be. You have only been together a year and you are quite probably the "rebound" relationship for him, and it is unlikely to last. He is being very mature and sensible in prioritising the wellbeing of his 3 biological children and recognising that treating this new baby differently could be bad for the family. Of course he may need to rethink if baby #5 and #6 come along with absent fathers too, but for the time being it's a reasonable plan.

As for you, best plan of action is to back off, recognise that you are just a walk-on part in this drama and look out for the next appropriate exit point, getting on with your own life without getting entangled with this more complex family setup. If you choose to stick around it needs to be on the understanding that the wellbeing of all 4 children is always going to come first.

[Xenia]

Is it is not more likely that without your knowing he had sex with his ex wife who conceived the 4th child and he has made up a cock and bull story to explain away why his name is on the birth cert?

Had he got a decree absolute of divorce by the way at the time the child was born? Children born within marriage in English law are presumed the husband's unless proven otherwise. He should get a DNA test done.

[ThatIsMyPotato]

It's going to cause massive issues if he decides he can't afford to pay for 4 in the future.

[RevolvingPivot]

@Xenia

Is it is not more likely that without your knowing he had sex with his ex wife who conceived the 4th child and he has made up a cock and bull story to explain away why his name is on the birth cert?

Had he got a decree absolute of divorce by the way at the time the child was born? Children born within marriage in English law are presumed the husband's unless proven otherwise. He should get a DNA test done.

If the baby is one and they have been together a year he can't have cheated on the OP

[ThankYouHunkyJesus]

Id walk away from this as youre only one year in. That's a lot of step children and a complicated situation.

[Xenia]

"If the baby is one and they have been together a year he can't have cheated on the OP" - you mean the baby was born before they got together? Yes, that might be so. So not cheating but still might be that man's child and was he married still at the time?

[Guavafish]

I think he is disrespectful your feelings and the relationship. Seems like her care more for his-ex wife than you.

It’s too much complicated baggage

[YouJustFoldItIn]

It's a weird thing to do, but a selfless thing and he isn't the first man I've heard of to do it. It shows he's a good man and a great dad.

The child is only 1, which suggests you haven't been with this man for very long. Therefore it really is none of your business to question his choices and decisions over his family. What difference does it make really, whether he has three children or four to be responsible for? Either way it's enough children and making time, space and money for a fifth and sixth with someone else will be difficult.

If you want children of your own I suggest you look for a man who doesn't already have four, biological or otherwise.

[mummysharkk]

I'd move on without him.

This is only the start of many many issues with ex wife and kids for the rest of your life.

Not sure if you want children? Be aware he may say no as he's got 4 and if you don't want any well, you have technically now got 4 although part time!

Please reconsider your future- I'm talking from experience.

[Quincie]

Who stays home to look after the baby - or who gets them to nursery and back every day. A small baby is a lot of commitment and time.
4 DCs is a lot to take on. Is he always a very hands on DF?

[SelkieFly]

And if the child really isn't his then I don't believe it's unfair on the child.

Perhaps your x is doing this for his first three children. He doesn't want curtain twitchers gossiping that their mother had a baby with god knows who. Maybe there is information about him that they have traded stay quiet.

Bob Geldof struck me as seeing the bigger picture when he wanted to ''take on'' Tiger Lily. He knew his own daughters could not just shrug over their younger half-sister, the daughters he loved loved Tiger Lily. So it wasn't rocket science to see that the equilibrium for his own family required the care and inclusion of TL (this is just an example of seeing a bigger picture). Not 100% sure of the details.

But I think there is a bigger picture that your partner may be seeing, that may or may not include the trading of some issues being kept quiet.

Who knows. He could be a cross dresser and he empathises with his xw wanting to keep gossip fodder under wraps.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

Christ on a bike op. Leave. Whether the child is his or not you do NOT want to be with someone who prioritizes his ex wife over you.

[YouJustFoldItIn]

He's not your 'partner' yet. That word indicates a level of mutual commitment and shared lives that just isn't there in your relationship yet and may never be.

Totally agree.

[EnoughnowIthink]

t's going to cause massive issues if he decides he can't afford to pay for 4 in the future

Not really. The CMS has a rate for one child, two children and three and over children so effectively, he won’t pay any extra for adding in a 4th child.

It sounds to me like the child is probably his anyway.

[FortyFiedWine]

Echoing pp: you're not doing yourself any favours thinking of him as your partner. He's your boyfriend. He's had a recent divorce and has four children (forget the biology). That's enough baggage to make you consider whether you want to have a deep and committed long term relationship with him. Not saying your answer should be no, but you can't even begin to make that decision until you accept his past and his children on his terms.

I can't understand why you were happy for him to be on the birth certificate (I would question this above all else) and pay maintenance, but expected him to exclude the fourth child in all other respects. That comes across as quite nasty and entirely lacking any empathy for a little child.

[AutoIncorrect]

It’s his baby. Of course it is. Ex couples sometimes shag during break ups, it happens. Shit for you of course so I’m sorry. Honestly though; just sack this off before you get really hurt.

[GappyValley]

@Divebar2021

He had an acrimonious divorce yet agreed to his name going on the birth certificate? That makes no sense to me at all. He could take care of the child ( as in the Bob Geldof / Tiger example) without lying to everyone.

Agreed!
How acrimonious could it be if the exW wants this level of favour, cooperation, collusion with him?!

[SelkieFly]

@VodselForDinner

Also, you’re seeing a man for whom you’ll never be higher than no. 6 on his list of priorities; after the four children and his ex.

This really is being spelled out to you loud and loud OP

[Crabbypaddy]

Speaking as someone who was lied to about who their dad is until they were 17 and is now seeking psychological help to deal with this at the age of 27, this can be very damaging to the child so they should tread carefully with regards to telling the child rather than having them doubt their full existence. I also feel it a very noble thing of your partner to do, not many men can do that. You don’t really have a say in the matter I feel, you either support him or you get out and run

[UnbeatenMum]

Taking on the child as his - lovely
Lying to the children about being the biological father - no
Maybe get him to read some stories about people who found out as adults that they were adopted or that their Dad wasn't their biological father. It will come out at some point (e.g. medical issues, older child works it out or already knows etc etc).

[CiderWithRosy]

RUN, RUN, RUN.