My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

[CalamityJay]

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

[HannaHat]

I’d also run and not look back 💨

[tropicalwaterdiver]

@YouJustFoldItIn

All these people totally convinced the child is his. Why? What's his motive for lying here? He's only been with the OP a year an the child is a year old.

What difference would it make whether he admitted to having 3 biological kids or four? The child was conceived at least nine months before he got together the OP anyway.

From the timeline it looks like OP and him started relationship when ex wife was pregnant. And it's possible that he lied to OP.

And very likely the divorce happened after ex found out he was cheating.

Chris Watts case came to mind: he told his mistress that his wife was pregnant with another man's child and they are divorcing while he played happy husband and pretended yo be excited about the pregnancy.

[NewlyGranny]

I think this situation is a clear example of how DNA testing can help untangle a situation!

[Pinkyxx]

While it seems like an incredibly generous hearted gesture on one hand which makes it easier for the children now, it feels like this may cause issues later on. The child in question has a right to know their origins (even if not very nice). This kind of stuff can crop up at awful times - bone marrow matching, organ donation etc etc.. The truth may be hard but it's easier to face it. Given the timeline it's plausible the child could be OP's DP but then DNA testing is prob best way to go. Maybe I'm cynical but it seems odd to me that Op's DP would want to present himself as the Father of his ex's wife's children when he can be a 'dad' to all intents without lying about it. If he wants to there's nothing that prevents Op's DP being a father figure to this child if he / his ex feel this is in the child's best interest. Just feels wrong to lie about it to everyone.

[Marcipex]

OP I don’t believe he isn’t the father. I never heard such a lot of hooley in my life.

[Sceptre86]

Good for him but I would not want to be a part of it. If she goes on to have more kids is he just going to take them all on? I would ditch him.

[foodiefil]

Run. And where you get there run a bit further. And then when you get THERE run again.

This is a nightmare.

[user47000000000]

Run. Get out.

[wifeofspartacus]

Both your boyfriend and his ex-wife are perfectly comfortable with telling the sort of lie that absolutely destroys lives and families.

Do. Not. Stay. With. This. Man.

[newomums]

Anyone else get a leery feeling about this one ?

Not that I don't mean there are good men out there. Offering to pay for the child sure but being put on BC that grants him PR in terms of the child and is legally binding as marriage (without I don't believe - correct me if I'm wrong a long old fight). It would make more sense if they were together kind of if on a break and then resumed a relationship.

I recon this is something they have cooked up after a one night opps and dealing with aftermath. However the meaning is he cheated.

OP we are told usually to ignore our instincts and I think you suspect somethings up. I think you need to do some digging, it's telling that they are saying to his family the kids his...

Babies do tend (tend) to look like their dads in first 6 weeks biologically speaking.

I think your partner is the father, and the only one they are lying too is you. There will be clues if you want to look for them

[CafetiereOrEspressino]

It is a wonderful gracious thing to do. It is also his decision and while you may feel left out or that things are getting complicated , your own relationship with him is young and you should understand this is about the welfare of this child and not about you. He sounds like a very supportive compassionate man. Your options are to be gracious about it yourself (what's one more in a cohort of 3 anyway) or to leave. Don't pressure him into leaving out the 4th... You won't gain anything from that.

[aSofaNearYou]

@CafetiereOrEspressino

It is a wonderful gracious thing to do. It is also his decision and while you may feel left out or that things are getting complicated , your own relationship with him is young and you should understand this is about the welfare of this child and not about you. He sounds like a very supportive compassionate man. Your options are to be gracious about it yourself (what's one more in a cohort of 3 anyway) or to leave. Don't pressure him into leaving out the 4th... You won't gain anything from that.

Someone's on a roll leaving as many patronising, tone deaf comments on this board as they can...

[newomums]

@aSofaNearYou it's almost like some are projecting 😂 makes for the most comical reading

[funinthesun19]

There is nothing wonderful and gracious about it. It’s all a bit twee in my opinion.

[pamplemoussed]

He put his name on the birth certificate because he is the dad. He wants 4th child to visit because he is the dad. He is behaving like it’s dad, because he is.

[newomums]

@pamplemoussed

He put his name on the birth certificate because he is the dad. He wants 4th child to visit because he is the dad. He is behaving like it’s dad, because he is.

Right ? Either that or I'm seriously jaded.

[huuskymam]

I understand why he's willing to support the child financially and emotionall, not wanting the child to feel he is being treated differently to the others. Fair play to him but I don't agree with him lying on a birth certificate. After all, it is a legal document thats relevant to the child.

Are you 100% sure he's not the father?