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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 09:17

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@ThatIsMyPotato well yeah me too but a lot of people seem to think this makes him a good dad![/quote]
Well I did think paying for someone else's child did seem a good thing to do. But then someone had pointed out the CMS calculation won't be that different.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 08/05/2021 09:18

I'm not sure paying for someone else's child is a "good" thing. It benefits the child but takes away from his actual children doesn't it?

I didn't know that about CMS either actually but I suppose it does have to stop somewhere.

emmetgirl · 08/05/2021 09:19

He's probably doing the right thing and it's admirable. I wouldn't want to get involved in this situation though. 4 kids to support both emotionally and financially? I'd be running for the hills.

Candyfloss99 · 08/05/2021 09:19

He sounds like he's doing for the ex wife. Sounds like she'll always come first. If I were you I'd cut and run now.

VolvoMom · 08/05/2021 09:20

No, just no.
The baby is his and they will end up back together...sorry 💐
Leave now so you've only wasted a year.

Branleuse · 08/05/2021 09:23

Its his kid and hes lying to you

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/05/2021 09:25

Another one who thinks the baby is his.

What is this man like? Is he kind to you? Can he breathe through his ears? Cos, he'd have to be able to do that to make me stick around this very messy situation.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 08/05/2021 09:26

@AlmostSummer21

I cannot believe some of these posts!

He is not 'a good father' or 'a good man'

He's an idiot.

You don't lie on a child's birth certificate & you don't lie to a child about its biological parents.

OR if he's not lying to the child he's lying to the OP.

The time line is all a bit dodge, I suspect he is the bio Dad & he's lying about the whole thing to the OP.

Acrimonious split, but he takes on the Ex's baby as his own when it's all acrimonious... I'm not wearing this.

Much more likely is sex with the ex & ooops, another baby.

@CalamityJay. You'd be mad to stay in the middle of this circus. Yes you're invested in the relationship, but a year is nothing compared to the rest of your life!! Either he's lying to you about being the bio father or he's still WAY too emotionally attached to his Ex. Move on & save your sanity & your future 💐

Exactly this.

I am old enough to have three friends whose parent’s all covered up the fact their dad was not in fact their dad. It caused massive rifts when they found out ( in their 30’s and 40’s) that still aren’t repaired today..The other one only speaks to his mum because what turned out to be his step dad died early so the dynamic has changed anyway.
I also have friends who have never met their dads and they seem very protective and close to their mums.

Being inclusive is one thing but hes not doing the child a kindness by lying ( if it is in fact not his).

AgathaAllAlong · 08/05/2021 09:27

I also think he's a very generous man doing the right thing by all of the children. If I were him I wouldn't lie about parentage as that could get messy but I do think it's lovely of him to treat child as his own, yes the little one would be excluded otherwise and very unfair when the other three have a loving dad.

But also totally fair if this is just not the family dynamic for you!

1onway1under12and1over18 · 08/05/2021 09:27

The child is his.

AcornCups · 08/05/2021 09:30

Most people have baggage but that’s a lot of luggage.

Standrewsschool · 08/05/2021 09:34

I think it’s commendable that he wants to include dc 4 as part of the wider family.

However, I think it’s wrong for all concerned that he tells everyone he’s the dad. Stepdad, maybe, but not dad.

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:35

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

No one had an affair. Also, it’s a bit different though isn’t it? If the non resident parent includes the child, surely this is good for that child? If all the kids lived with the dad and the mum had them for ‘visits’ it would be good if the mum took the child whose own mum isn’t in the picture
It works both ways. I wouldn’t call her a mug. I’d be looking at the kids tbh.

YouJustFoldItIn · 08/05/2021 09:36

It's funny because if this was the other way around and he'd had an affair and had a baby, I can't imagine anyone expecting the ex wife to take the baby in and saying oh she's such a good mum. Everyone would be calling her an absolute mug.

I do know a woman who did exactly that - stayed with her husband after he had a long affair resulting in a child. She welcomed the child into her home for his access visits and treated her like a niece or a stepchild, said the child deserved to know her siblings. But ultimately the stress of the whole thing was too much and she kicked him out. He went back to the OW.

I also know a man who was in the same scenario. Wife had an affair, got PG, they decided to try to make the marriage work and bring up the child as the DH's. It worked for less than a year then they split anyway. But because all the children were still quite young, but old enough to ask questions, he continued to treat the fourth child as his own for the sake of his other three, who would not have understood their little sister being treated differently.

In either scenario you could argue that someone is a mug, but it's their choice and the reasons for doing it are often seen as for the best.

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2021 09:37

I'm not sure paying for someone else's child is a "good" thing. It benefits the child but takes away from his actual children doesn't it?

Exactly 🙄

ElsieMc · 08/05/2021 09:37

Sorry op, but if it doesn't make sense, it isn't true.

Why would you register yourself as the baby's father after an acrimonious split? The answer is staring you in the face.

This is all too complicated and too much. You will be sharing him with his ex wife and now four children. It is not a life for you at all and you will never feel part of a real couple. What if you have a child together? I think you know all of this already. Sorry op.

ChiefBabySniffer · 08/05/2021 09:37

I actually know somebody that did this in real life. There man claimed his ex had a one night stand and didn't even know the guy. She was devoed about not having a dad on the birth certificate so he volunteered. Then he offered to take the baby for a few hours. Then over night with their other kids. Then a year later she had another one night stand. Same thing haired again. I tried dropping hints to my friend but in the end I had to cover it and say "fits gods sake, the kids are all bloody identical and it's CLEAR they are his!". She asked for a DNA test and the entire sorry story came out.

But she was a total bitch and told her partner he had to choose. He chose her. Those poor kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2021 09:38

They’re both mad. You don’t commit fraud like this and you don’t lie to a child about who their parents are.

Please break up with him and free yourself from this mess and drama. If he’s telling you the truth he’s way too enmeshed with his ex to be dating.

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:40

@AgathaAllAlong

Very eloquently put. Smile

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 08/05/2021 09:41

I would wonder if the child was infact his. Sorry.

Lalliella · 08/05/2021 09:44

He is doing a really nice thing for the child, which is an indication of what sort of man he is, so I think that’s a good thing. I think you should stay out of his decision, it’s up to him to make it. Whether or not you feel you can take on 4 DSC is another decision altogether. They will always be in your life.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2021 09:48

Jeez. Well if it isn't his kid he has reacted very generously, though I am baffled as to why it was agreed he would pay for this child, before it was decided he would raise him as his own. The latter makes sense from a "not leaving one child out" perspective but the former doesn't make any sense at all and shouldn't be happening in my opinion. She should not be getting money from him for that child.

But aside from all that, I think you have quite rightly cottoned on to the fact that he isn't worth all this drama. Three step kids is a huge ask as it is, this is too much. I would cut your losses and move on. Your whole life is going to become about this situation and his kids.

Bluedeblue · 08/05/2021 09:50

It's a noble thing to do I guess, but there's now way I would be dating a man with 4 young kids. The stress!!

Anyway, I don't think you have any say in the matter, so all you have to decide is whether you want 4 kids in your house, on a regular basis, for the next 18 years.

Daydrambeliever · 08/05/2021 09:50

Scenario 1 - the child is his. He is lying to you.

Scenario 2 - The child isn't his. He is lying to the child about its parentage.

The common factor is that he seems to want to live a life with lies. I could t be part of either scenario.

I work in a role where I encounter many separated families. It is INCREDIBLY common for fathers of babies who were not married to the mother to go completely AWOL for years only to rock back up again when they have decided they want to be a parent. IF what he is saying is true and he is not the father, what will happen when/if the actual dad does rock up. A very painful court case and a very traumatised child. It is a child's basic human right to know who they are. It is not kind, generous or good to deny a human being that right.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/05/2021 09:51

@GoddessKali

I think he sounds like a great guy! Not many men would do this, it would actually make me more interested in someone!
Maybe in having him as a friend or a person of value in my life...but as a partner? No, no, no. Too many complications, too much potential for things to go awry, too long a time period of active parenting ahead and frankly, too many children
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