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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
Marcydarcy7867 · 08/05/2021 07:53

Actually I agree with others. This is his child. He just doesn’t want you to realise he was cheating on his pregnant wife at the time he met you.

OhSayWhat · 08/05/2021 07:54

I think your partner is doing the right thing to support and include the 4th child and treat them as his own but I wouldn’t lie to the child or others about him not being the biological father. If they handle that well then it may not be a problem and lying long term may well cause more issues.

And if I were you I’d back away from the entire situation. Taking on his 3 children as step children is one (big) thing but taking on a 4th with a complex back story, and that is recent and not yet worked through, is probably not something you need to be part of.

SatyajitRayFan · 08/05/2021 07:54

Run and don't look back! Very magnanimous of him especially as he claims the child is not his and he had an acrimonious divorce. But if you've only invested a year in the relationship, it's a lot to take on especially as you have no children. If I were you, I would cut my losses and run away!

flashylamp · 08/05/2021 07:55

I think his action is to be applauded. If he's willing to lie on a birth certificate that to me speaks volumes.

Oh yeah, lying in a legal document is such a wonderful thing to do Hmm

Sounds like he's protecting a child from ex wife. Is she chaotic and potentially a danger to the other kids?

Why does it sound like that?

Inneedofaholiday · 08/05/2021 07:57

In his eyes he has four children and wants to treat them equally. Well done to him.

Only you can decide if you’re willing to take on four children, but taking on three only shouldn’t be an option.

CirqueDeMorgue · 08/05/2021 07:57

Well, I think it's stupid and would assume the baby is his.

NotJustAnyOldDog · 08/05/2021 07:58

You really want to do this for the rest of your life? This is just the beginning.

SunshineCake · 08/05/2021 07:58

Isn't it fraud to say a child is yours when it isn't but then also there is something about a woman's child assumed to be her husbands if they are married ?

It is decent of him to pay for this child and treat him as his own but it is wrong for the child to be told he is his biological dad when he isn't. All sorts of problems lie ahead in that. Lies like this are ridiculous.

Isthisit22 · 08/05/2021 08:00

He is completely disrespecting you to tell everyone the baby is his when he was in a relationship with you.
Way too much baggage in such a short relationship. Get out now

saraclara · 08/05/2021 08:00

If the child isn't his, it's a generous thing to do. However the child is going to be lied to through throughout its life, and you are going to have to go along with that. I'd be very uncomfortable with that.

I also wouldn't take on four kids whose parents have parted acrimoniously. I can only imagine what is going to be like dealing with the mother for the next two decades.

SuperSange · 08/05/2021 08:01

A year in its really not supposed to be this complicated and considering this from your pov, is ridiculous. No way would I get involved in that mess.

Divebar2021 · 08/05/2021 08:02

He had an acrimonious divorce yet agreed to his name going on the birth certificate? That makes no sense to me at all. He could take care of the child ( as in the Bob Geldof / Tiger example) without lying to everyone.

Sinner10 · 08/05/2021 08:02

What’s one more child when there is three anyway?

Tbh I wouldn’t want to be involved in this but I think it’s a great thing he is doing, they need to be prepared that bio father may come back when he finds out this is happening. I couldn’t be bothered being involved with the drama them will probably happen in time to come.

DinosaurDiana · 08/05/2021 08:05

I agree that he’s being generous in bringing the child up, but to put his name on the birth certificate is a lie. To bring the child up thinking he is his dad, then at some point finding out he isn’t, can be traumatic and psychologically damaging.

GoddessKali · 08/05/2021 08:05

I think he sounds like a great guy! Not many men would do this, it would actually make me more interested in someone!

Orangebug · 08/05/2021 08:05

I think supporting the child emotionally and financially and treating them the same as their siblings is admirable.

But lying to them about who their father is is totally wrong. They will almost certainly find out one day and feel so betrayed.

Personally I could not in good conscience agree to take part in this.

whatisheupto · 08/05/2021 08:06

What if his ex has more kids?
What if you want kids with him?
Can he financially support 4 kids plus any more he has with you?
I would run far, far away.

COS2102 · 08/05/2021 08:10

Ye is happy. She is happy. The children are happy. There's only one person who isn't happy and that's you. I think the answer to all of this is pretty obvious

LaBellina · 08/05/2021 08:10

I wouldn’t be so fast to rule out that he isn’t the actual father of the child.

If he isn’t, then he is an exceptionally kind and considerate man.

The matter is if this newest addition to your step family is a situation that you can deal with. Only you can decide that.
There is no right and wrong in this btw.
Just your decision if you find this acceptable for yourself or not.

Solasum · 08/05/2021 08:11

You say it feels like he has just had a baby with his ex. Realistically if the next youngest is 3, as he sounds to be an involved dad, his next decade at least is going to be substantially child centred. Is that what you want from your own life? Also worth considering whether you will want children of your own. If he has four, is even three, already, he would be entirely reasonable to say that was enough for him. Where does that leave you?

RandomMess · 08/05/2021 08:12

They should not be lying on the birth certificate! It's madness to think the baby will never find out. The lies will do more damage.

He can still build a relationship with the baby and have them come for contact.

Iwonder08 · 08/05/2021 08:12

Your partner is good man. He is doing the right thing for the sake of the children involved. However why on earth you are considering getting yourself involved in the situation? His or not his...a freshly divorced man with 4 small children.. Do you think you are going to have a nice life? Given his generosity with the youngest child he is likely to be a very active and present parent. You will be actively involved into looking after/bringing up 4 very young children 50%of your time. They also don't just disappear during the other 50% of time as there will be calls/texts/discussions about the children. Also you will not be able to have a time off or holiday with your partner when you want and how you want for the next 18 years. Why are you doing it to yourself?

Mumoblue · 08/05/2021 08:13

Have you heard from the ex wife directly that the child is someone else’s? I’d be very suspicious and wanting a DNA.

Either way, he put his name on the birth certificate so he has assumed responsibility for the child. Do you really want this poor kid growing up with no contact with their ‘legal’ father just to make things easier on you and your partner?
He has 4 kids. If you don’t think you can handle that, it’s time to move on.

Marcydarcy7867 · 08/05/2021 08:15

Yeah I agree I’d want to know for sure the child wasn’t his. Who has time to cheat with a two year old and two older kids?!

wildseas · 08/05/2021 08:16

This whole scenario seems quite unlikely to me.
A more likely scenario would go something along the lines of man has 3 kids and is cheating on his wife when she gets pregnant with a fourth.
She divorces him but puts his name on birth certificate as he is the father and insists he pays maintenance. Sometime later she persuad reluctant father to acknowledge his last child and step up and see them.