My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

[CalamityJay]

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

[roxisolerenshaw]

"The ( illegal ) lie on the birth certificate and telling a massive lie to the child itself and his other children, make him neither kind or responsible"

And lying to all the extended family as well!

[DizzySquirrel90]

@roxisolerenshaw

"The ( illegal ) lie on the birth certificate and telling a massive lie to the child itself and his other children, make him neither kind or responsible"

And lying to all the extended family as well!

@roxisolerenshaw letting the child not believe his REAL father bailed. Yes that's really unkind isn't it

[Strawberrysaxifrage]

dizzysquirrel it's the truth. The truth isn't always nice. He and the mother could present it in an age appropriate and tactful way, and make sure the child is looked after exactly the same as the others. Maybe by adopting it. Why go for the path of least resistance by lying, when this could be handled in the right way? What if the kid has some hereditary condition or the real father comes back and finds iut not only the real father bailed, but that it was lied to? Bit weird.

[funinthesun19]

If it's not his child, he sounds like a very kind/responsible family man.
He has a fair point regarding the kids going to their 'dads' and one being left behind. That is unfair. Siblings ideally should stick together.

It really is crossing boundaries though. I don’t think he’s doing anything admirable in pretending he’s the father to this child and then also taking on all parental responsibility including financially. He’s not doing any of the children any favours in the long run - his children and this child. This will be clear in years to come. I think it’s all a bit twee and fake if I’m honest.
Lots of children have different mums and dads, and will go off and leave the others when they see their other parent. Some won’t have a mother/father figure at all and will watch their sibling go off. That’s what happens when the parent chooses to have a baby with someone else.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Strawberrysaxifrage

dizzysquirrel it's the truth. The truth isn't always nice. He and the mother could present it in an age appropriate and tactful way, and make sure the child is looked after exactly the same as the others. Maybe by adopting it. Why go for the path of least resistance by lying, when this could be handled in the right way? What if the kid has some hereditary condition or the real father comes back and finds iut not only the real father bailed, but that it was lied to? Bit weird.

Yes I can't see that lying is ultimately a kindness. There are all sorts of reasons he could eventually find out/need to know, including medical conditions as others have mentioned, and at that point is he going to be happy or sad to have been lied to? Probably not happy, I'd have thought. It'll come as an enormous shock by then.

[rwalker]

I think it's an amazing thing and great for his kids.

There is no need for him to be on the BC and the child should be told when it appropriate for it to understand . He can be a farther to a child without it being his BIO child .

If there going down the full BC and pretending route leave .

[KylieKoKo]

OP I think the baby is his and he is lying to you. It would be one thing if he included the child as his offspring's sibling and was kind to them but taking them on as his own? Agreeing to be on the birth certificate? Come on, who would do that?

Even, if by some small chance he is telling the truth the fact that he would take such a decision without even discussing it with you shows that he doesn't really care for you .

this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Sadly, I think this is what happened.

[KylieKoKo]

The more I think about it the more stupid it is. What if his ex has another baby now? What if she has 4 more?

I can't imagine anyone being so entitled that they think their ex should pay for any babies that they have in their life after the split.

[NewlyGranny]

Which lie is going to be more damaging to child no 4 further down the line, I wonder?

Lie no 1. My siblings' father pretended to be my father, so my actual father disappeared from my life (or reappeared unexpectedly!) and I never even knew he existed (until I heard my parents rowing about it/did a DNA test/ was told the truth by my sibling.)

Lie 2. My father refused to admit he was my father and pretended he was being noble and generous by going on my BC and supporting me, so for years I believed my real father was out there somewhere and might come for me. I found out by accident (see Lie no 1 scenarios) and was forever left wondering why my father acknowledged all his children except me.

Why would anyone inflict either lie on a child who didn't ask to be conceived? The likeliest possibility is that the child's mother registered the birth alone and put her still-husband's name on the BC. If it was going to be the name of someone she wasn't married to, that person would have to be there with her to register the birth. Husband by default is how the law works in the UK, or in England at least.

It's possible neither of them knows who the father is. It's also possible the ex has no clue about the story her children's father is peddling to his new partner.

This man has shown himself a stranger to the truth and is not to be trusted.

[Tiredoftattler]

It sounds as the 2 people with legal and moral decision making rights have made their choice. Everyone else's opinion is uninvited input..

OP the only decision for you is deciding whether you care enough for this man to accept his decision. If not, you can make a decision to find a man who makes decisions that are more compatible with your way of thinking.

Again, neither of you are necessarily wrong, but you each have the right to conduct your life in a manner consistent with your personal values. It is usually not a great idea to compromise your personal value system simply to please another person.

[Shelby2010]

I agree with the previous poster who said it’s due to the timelines. You met him either just before or just after the baby was born. Would you have been so keen to get involved if he said he had just split up with his heavily pregnant or newly delivered wife? But ‘we were living separate lives & she got pregnant by a man she was seeing’ sounds like a better line to spin.....

[LivingDeadGirlUK]

I agree with the PP's that the child is most likely his.

Even if it isn't, it shows he is intending to have a lot of involvement with his ex wife, and he has the commitment of 4 children to raise, for the next 18 years at least. Huge shadow over your own family if you want Children, less of an issue if you don't. Sounds like an awful lot of hard work, I'd be leaving him to it!

[LivingDeadGirlUK]

@VaVaBoom

He put his name on the birth certificate! I think he's the baby's father. Is there a reason he's not telling you? Timeline of when you got together?

*@CalamityJay*He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs

The child is 1 so there will have been at least 21months that the family knew it wasn't? Do you know his parents / other family members - what do they think?

That's actually a really good point, what are the chances they were like 'SURPRISE! we told you baby was from a ONS with a random stranger for the last 21 months, but actually it IS my ex husbands!'

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I would fully assume the baby is his.

[Tiredoftattler]

If the child was born while they were still married, he is likely the putative father. It is also quite possible that the child may indeed be his biological child. The tale that he told subsequent girl friends may just have been a convenient narrative to cover up the inconvenient truth of double dipping.

In any case, 2 of the possibly 3 people involved are in agreement about the direction moving forward. If these people were still legally married and the OP's partner did not dispute paternity and is satisfied with his status, there really does not seem to be an issue in play.

The child has a legal father who is not questioning his paternity status.

The OP can choose not to take part in what she feels to be a charade. That would seem to be the only option open to the OP, and that is a reasonable option if she finds this to be a morally repugnant situation for her.

[lucy5236]

I think he sounds like an amazing dad to his 3 kids and so selfless if he's willing to take on the 4th.
I agree it could be hard for the 1yo as he/she gets older and is the only one not going to stay etc. So I think it's lovely he's willing to treat all 4 the same.

However....I think putting his name on the birth certificate and pretending to the wider family that he's the dad is going too far and I'd even going as far as saying it's unfair on the youngest to grow up not knowing the truth. If he's on the birth cert do they ever plan on telling the youngest the truth?

Plus speaking as a mother of a 6 yo, I find it hard to believe that the 7yo will not be confused by this. Does the 7yo not know the mum had a different DP when the 1yo came along? Or is the 7yo going to be expected to cover this up too?

If you don't have any DCs of your own and want them I'm bit sure I'd hang about. Unless he can afford 5 or 5 kids and also has the time to devote to them all

[lucy5236]

In fact...not only will they be misleading the 1yo and bringing them up to believe someone who is not is dad is his dad.
They're also misleading the other 3 kids too.

I'm nit suggesting they need to know the details now but if this is to be a long term 'lie' it's not fair on any of them.

[DizzySquirrel90]

@funinthesun19

If it's not his child, he sounds like a very kind/responsible family man.
He has a fair point regarding the kids going to their 'dads' and one being left behind. That is unfair. Siblings ideally should stick together.

It really is crossing boundaries though. I don’t think he’s doing anything admirable in pretending he’s the father to this child and then also taking on all parental responsibility including financially. He’s not doing any of the children any favours in the long run - his children and this child. This will be clear in years to come. I think it’s all a bit twee and fake if I’m honest.
Lots of children have different mums and dads, and will go off and leave the others when they see their other parent. Some won’t have a mother/father figure at all and will watch their sibling go off. That’s what happens when the parent chooses to have a baby with someone else.

Yeah fair enough and I understand your points however maybe this broken family situation is exactly what they are trying to avoid?

[LuvMyBubbles]

Is he being bullied by the ex to do
It?

[Blacktothepink]

I’d run a million miles from this if I were you op!

[CalamityJay]

OP here. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I have read every single message and am grateful for the advice.

[Maggiesfarm]

@lucy5236

In fact...not only will they be misleading the 1yo and bringing them up to believe someone who is not is dad is his dad.
They're also misleading the other 3 kids too.

I'm nit suggesting they need to know the details now but if this is to be a long term 'lie' it's not fair on any of them.

He will be the child's dad if he's on the birth certificate and they tell everyone he is the father. It's more than possible that the boy could grow up and never know the truth.

However I think the op's partner probably is the baby daddy. The mother thought there was a strong possibility of it being the other guy but now they know, & the other man is no longer in the picture. Maybe because he knew he wasn't the father.

Op's fella and his ex wife will be working on getting back together with their four children.

[BlueVelvetStars]

Walk away and do not look back. 🌸

[Maggiesfarm]

@BlueVelvetStars

Walk away and do not look back. 🌸

Yep.

[alwayslearning789]

Run OP