My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

[CalamityJay]

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

Terribly unfair to lie to this child. These things always always always come out. Always. Who is thinking about how this child will feel when it does?

Agree with those saying walk away from this while you can.

It sounds like a very unusual story. A lot of the time you hear of men being reluctant to see or support DC that are actually biologically their own. The second youngest is 3. Baby is now 1. So the second youngest was around 1.5, she was still married to this man, and she got pregnant to someone else? This person has disappeared like a ghost?? And in the context of an acrimonious divorce, this man has agreed to take on financial and emotional care for the child of his wife's affair?? And they are 'pretending' to everyone that it's his?

I would bet very heavily that this is his biological child as well. And he's lied to make himself look less of a dick abandoning his pregnant wife. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him.

Was his wife pregnant when you met him?

@EnoughnowIthink

t's going to cause massive issues if he decides he can't afford to pay for 4 in the future

Not really. The CMS has a rate for one child, two children and three and over children so effectively, he won’t pay any extra for adding in a 4th child.

It sounds to me like the child is probably his anyway.

That is shocking.

Run for the hills.

As pp have said it would be perfectly possible for your partner to have a relationship with this child without lying on the bc and committing years worth of money. To do that for a child that’s not yours is frankly a bit odd. By all means take the child out with its siblings but the rest of it.... weird.

Just to add to my above message I took would be thinking there must be a strong possibility it is in fact his child.

Assuming he's telling the truth here, what matters is the child in this scenario.

Is it fair to lie to him? Absolutely not. He will need to be told at some point and the longer they wait to tell him, the more devastating it will be.

Should the child go with his siblings for contact? Absolutely if your DH will accept him. How awful for him to be the only one left behind.

In these days of DNA testing for fun there is no chance that the child's true paternity will stay a secret. I'd be worried that your husband was that actual father, why else would he do this? He must still have strong feelings for his ex-wife. Overall, I'd be very concerned if I was you.

I don't get this "how awful for him to be the only one left behind" I'm sure his mother knew that it would be a possibility when she slept with someone else. It's not awful, it's life. Lots of siblings have different dads.

I find it utterly bizarre that they're trying to pretend it never happened. It'll end in tears.

It does sound an unusual situation, but not unheard of. I was a week away from my decree nisi when I gave birth to my youngest. I was having a difficult and protracted divorce from a lawyer. On the day my DC was born, I'm told that my husband excitedly phoned all his friends to tell them I'd had the baby. Then he phoned me to say to put him as the father on the birth certificate. My then DP, who hadn't cared less at the time then insisted he was on the birth certificate and went with me to ensure that happened. He lost interest in our DC afterwards. In your situation, I'd leave him to get on with being a father to four children as he really won't have time for you.

Who the baby’s dad is is irrelevant, he seems to be the kind of guy who will always put his children first even if that is to the detriment of his new relationship/family and you seem the kind of woman that won’t be happy about it and in time would resent what his children “take” from him, from his time to his money. This will get 100x worse if you have a baby.

Run like the wind, it is never going to work in the long term. In fact, the fact you have such strong opinions on the matter after such a short time together makes me think you would resent him and his children even if there wasn’t a fourth kid.

I cannot believe some of these posts!

He is not 'a good father' or 'a good man'

He's an idiot.

You don't lie on a child's birth certificate & you don't lie to a child about its biological parents.

OR if he's not lying to the child he's lying to the OP.

The time line is all a bit dodge, I suspect he is the bio Dad & he's lying about the whole thing to the OP.

Acrimonious split, but he takes on the Ex's baby as his own when it's all acrimonious... I'm not wearing this.

Much more likely is sex with the ex & ooops, another baby.

@CalamityJay. You'd be mad to stay in the middle of this circus. Yes you're invested in the relationship, but a year is nothing compared to the rest of your life!! Either he's lying to you about being the bio father or he's still WAY too emotionally attached to his Ex. Move on & save your sanity & your future 💐

Your husband sounds like a good man doing a good thing for his children and their half sibling.

The only thing I don't think is a good idea is telling the child and everyone else that the child is biologically his. The child has a right to know the truth and far better to know all along then get this shock later on in childhood. Likely the child would feel that he thought he could trust everyone but they lied for years so how can they trust now? It seems a shame to risk ruining the relationship he is willing to build. I say this as someone who grew up with a step parent who I considered my dad and called dad despite knowing since he came into our lives (when I was 2) that he wasn't. Much better to know. I work with adoptions now and same thing the child is always aware of their story as we know now how damaging it is to find out you're adopted as a teen/adult.

But in terms of treating the child the same as the others, that's absolutely great and I'd be encouraging it in your shoes.

Obviously my post depends on the situation being as the OP said.

He may be acrimonious with the ex, doesn't mean he needs to be acrimonious with the children involved

If the child’s not his biologically, he really shouldn’t have put his name on birth cert. the child needs to know one day that they have a different dad. With this assumption, he is being a decent and noble human being by treating this child as his own , in respect of not leaving them out. We need more human beings like this.
Not much you can do. Either you accept it or not. He’s obviously a brilliant dad if he feels the need to ensure that this child is included and not left out.
Do you trust him? Do you believe it’s not his baby? Do you think he’s a good dad? Does he treat you well? How would you feel if you were that fourth child and left out??? Only you know if this is worth pursuing.

It's funny because if this was the other way around and he'd had an affair and had a baby, I can't imagine anyone expecting the ex wife to take the baby in and saying oh she's such a good mum. Everyone would be calling her an absolute mug.

@Aquamarine1029

If you don't run like hell away from this disaster you are insane. Why on earth would you want this mess in your life?

Best advice in the thread.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

It's funny because if this was the other way around and he'd had an affair and had a baby, I can't imagine anyone expecting the ex wife to take the baby in and saying oh she's such a good mum. Everyone would be calling her an absolute mug.

Well yeah I think he's either a mug or a liar.

@CiderWithRosy

RUN, RUN, RUN.

This

Run and don’t look back. Getting together with someone with children has is hard enough work, to add to that he’s now saying he wants to be father to another child that’s not his (I strongly suspect the child is his), so you portentially could end up with 4 step children and a partner who probably still carries a torch for his ex.

Having done this with my dh (now ex) I can tell you it’s not easy.

In general I'd say that people (male or female) with young children shouldn't start new relationships.

If this is true your new partner has been pretty well shat on by his ex who presumably knows that he's a decent person. I'm surprised he's even interested in another relationship now, he must be very trusting.

On the practical side, as you don't have children yourself do you want them? If so you may find sometimes your house full with four step children and your own. Some would find this overwhelming, some would love it.

No matter how much you feel for him now, think of where this may lead. If you can't cope hurt him now not latter.

You may meet another good man, you may settle down with a total rat, you may stay single. Who knows.

Or he is still in love with his ex and genuinely wants the child to be his.

@ThatIsMyPotato well yeah me too but a lot of people seem to think this makes him a good dad!

@ThatIsMyPotato

Or he is still in love with his ex and genuinely wants the child to be his.

Yes possible and equally bad if not worse! Either way if I was the op id be leaving without a shadow of a doubt!

He’s not doing a good thing at all.

His actual children will less of his time, money, resources, space, inheritence, etc... all for a child who isn’t even his!! What a complete dick.

I know it’s not the child’s fault that his or her father has disappeared and will probably never see him, but it’s also not your dp’s children’s fault either, and his best interests should be with them. He shouldn’t try and play the superhero.

And you also I really feel for! This isn’t his child and you’ll be expected to take him or her on as a stepchild.

I think there has to be more to this. When did they actually split up? Its not essential that a child has a father's name on their birth certificate so him putting his name on is puzzling to me.
I personally wouldn't have a problem him having all 4 kids rather than the 3 as I could see it is better for the children but its very strange he would agree to such an elaborate lie. At some point this child will be an adult. Do you know how doctors can ask you family history of diseases etc? That child will for the rest of their life be giving the wrong information - not to mention if they discover their blood type and realise they can't be their 'father's child and find out not only was this secret kept from them but actively planned!

@chocolateorangeinhaler

I think his action is to be applauded. If he's willing to lie on a birth certificate that to me speaks volumes. Sounds like he's protecting a child from ex wife. Is she chaotic and potentially a danger to the other kids?

Sadly though it is a criminal offence to knowingly lie on a birth certificate.

I think he is the biological father.

OP, I;'d be wary about deepening your emotional ties to this man. So much baggage right now. Best of luck.