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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
Lumene · 08/05/2021 08:16

This:

What a selfless gesture. If I were you I'd give him my blessing... And run

Eileen101 · 08/05/2021 08:17

It's a very selfless thing to do. As a pp said, I'd gice him my blessing and leave!
Are you sure he's definitely not the father if he's on the birth certificate Confused

Beetlewing · 08/05/2021 08:17

He sounds like a good man. Not sure how you think it's unfair on the child? If you don't want to, you don't have to 'take on' his four children but I'd do this by creating strong boundaries and rules now, as opposed to letting things slide into becoming the stepmother of four children you aren't ready for.

HollowTalk · 08/05/2021 08:18

I can't believe he'd agree to put his name on the child's birth certificate if he wasn't the father.

flashylamp · 08/05/2021 08:19

@HollowTalk

I can't believe he'd agree to put his name on the child's birth certificate if he wasn't the father.

Exactly. What man would saddle himself with potentially more than 20 years of financial obligation for someone else's child?

ElderMillennial · 08/05/2021 08:22

People are saying this is generous and maybe it is but it is also very weird. If he made this decision before you met then you need to just accept it. If he's made the decision since you've been together then it's more weird but still sounds like his mind is made up.

What if the ex has more children with random men. Is your DP going to keep welcoming them into the fold as his own??

DarcyLewis · 08/05/2021 08:23

If they were married at the time his wife gave birth then he’s legally the father anyway.

She couldn’t have put the name of a bloke who wasn’t around any more on the birth certificate.

Like everyone else has said - acrimonious, very recent divorce, lots of young children, unclear who’s lying about what with the baby... it’s a mess, but it’s not your mess so cut your losses here and find a new boyfriend.

Milesbennettdyson · 08/05/2021 08:25

I’m really torn on this one.

I think it’s admirable he would take the child and include them when he bathe other three so he’s not left out, but it’s a bit random to put your name on the BC and pay for them etc

TracyHorrobin · 08/05/2021 08:26

Not sure about this one.

flashylamp · 08/05/2021 08:26

If they were married at the time his wife gave birth then he’s legally the father anyway.

Being married doesn't make the child legally his. There is a presumption that if married the child is the husbands, that's all.

Greenmarmalade · 08/05/2021 08:29

Has he bonded with the child?

I think this is the behaviour of a good man.
Legally, if he’s on the birth certificate, he has responsibility anyway I think. It’s good for the child and the other children too.

One more won’t make any difference 😂

WaterBottle123 · 08/05/2021 08:29

Runaway. Your boyfriend is still emotionally involved with his ex. And he has four children so bringing a 5th or 6th into the world with you would be grossly irresponsible

GintyMcGinty · 08/05/2021 08:29

I think your partner is a really decent bloke.

You should support him and hang on to him.

81Byerley · 08/05/2021 08:29

@Aquamarine1029

If you don't run like hell away from this disaster you are insane. Why on earth would you want this mess in your life?
What??? What mess? She clearly is with a decent man who cares about this child. Just now, the child is a baby, but imagine if when he/she is older all the others go to see Daddy and he/she is left out. Children don't care about genetics, they cars about being loved and about being treated equally and fairly. In @CalamityJay 's position I would be encouraging him to include the baby. In my opinion, her not wanting him to care for and include this child shows her in a very bad light, and if I was him, I'd definitely be thinking twice about the relationship.
flashylamp · 08/05/2021 08:31

What??? What mess? She clearly is with a decent man who cares about this child. Just now, the child is a baby, but imagine if when he/she is older all the others go to see Daddy and he/she is left out.

He could have taken the kid out without taking on parental responsibility though. How ridiculous.

Newmama29 · 08/05/2021 08:31

I think he’s doing a very brave & nice thing taking on the child as if their his own & not letting them feel left out from their siblings. That’s admirable. However, it would be very damaging to the child to “pretend” he’s their biological father. I knew someone who thought their dad was their biological dad all their life until the truth came out when he was 18, it really fucked him up.

Marcydarcy7867 · 08/05/2021 08:31

You believe your partner is a decent bloke who puts his name on a birth certificate and pays for a child that isn’t his in a messy divorce; that his wife was cheating with a two year old and two older kids...
you have bigger problems that this fourth kid....

RedTideATurning · 08/05/2021 08:32

my dp has 4dc. I love him dearly but seriously, do not underestimate what you are taking on here. As someone else said further up the thread, he will never have money, he will rarely have time and you need to understand from the outset where you will appear on his priority list. I have dc of my own so it was a slightly easier decision for me as I understood what I was taking on.

but if you have no dc and are about to walk into 4 dc under 8, 1 of those still being a baby and the other being a toddler, it is a huge undertaking and I suspect the twice a month visits will end up being more frequent!

ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 08:32

81Byerley it's nice he wants to include the baby and he can do that. It just seems odd to finance someone else's baby and declare yourself their father when you've split with the ex. I too would be suspicious that it was actually his baby.

flashylamp · 08/05/2021 08:32

@Greenmarmalade

Has he bonded with the child?

I think this is the behaviour of a good man.
Legally, if he’s on the birth certificate, he has responsibility anyway I think. It’s good for the child and the other children too.

One more won’t make any difference 😂

20 odd years of paying child support will make a difference.
EsmeeMerlin · 08/05/2021 08:32

So why not just dump him and run? You have only been together a year and you can’t be that invested after a lockdown relationship. Is he really worth taking on 4 children?

NoProblem123 · 08/05/2021 08:32

Have you asked him to his face if it’s his ?

If it’s genuinely not, then his doing an amazing thing but he shouldn’t be lying on a legal document- and the child needs to know the truth.
What’s his relationship like with XW ? Is he doing it so his connection lasts longer ?

And you’ll never have any money/time for ‘your family.

RevolvingPivot · 08/05/2021 08:33

Going from 0 kids to 4?? No chance.

VodselForDinner · 08/05/2021 08:34

Your boyfriend barely sees the three children he has, so not sure why he’s being lauded as some kind of a super dad.

Anyway, if the story is true, I’d be leaving anyway. A new relationship shouldn’t be this complicated.

You’ve been with your boyfriend for a very short time and you’re now complicit in what could be a lifelong lie that will explode at some stage in the future.

MrsMiddleMother · 08/05/2021 08:34

I think he's an adult who has made his decision with his exwife, you've only been together for a year so you don't get to have a say. If I was you I would wish them luck and leave. Its hard enough being a stepparent, let alone when there's 4 kids and it's so complicated (if he's being truthful he isn't the dad).