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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
andivfmakes3 · 08/05/2021 13:00

Lots of things don't stack up I'm afraid.....if the divorce was acrimonious why has he agreed to take on legal and financial responsibility for a child his ex wife had with presumably a one night stand......

MarkUp · 08/05/2021 13:01

And agree with PPs, he's 100% the babies father.

Howtomakeevery1 · 08/05/2021 13:05

I have to say I suspect it’s his kid and he broke up with his ex much later than he’s told you

Faevern · 08/05/2021 13:05

If his name is on the birth certificate does he not have to pay maintenance regardless, unless he disputes parentage, which clearly he is not?

If you have been together just over a year, his ex was either pregnant or had a new baby when you got together. Did it suit his narrative, at the time, to lie to you that the baby was not his?

ie; We are separated, we have 3 children and she is pregnant by another man, my marriage is over, opposed to we have 3 children one is a 2 year old toddler and she is pregnant with our 4th.

Have you asked him about the legality of lying on a birth certificate? I think the baby is his, perhaps leaving her pregnant is why the divorce may have been acrimonious?

justasking111 · 08/05/2021 13:08

Lovely that he would include child, but where the heck is the sperm donor??

MzHz · 08/05/2021 13:09

@Aquamarine1029

If you don't run like hell away from this disaster you are insane. Why on earth would you want this mess in your life?
This.

A thousand, million billion times this.

katy1213 · 08/05/2021 13:15

You must be very new on the scene and it's really none of your business.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 08/05/2021 13:16

That kids is his. I would lay money on that child being his biological child.

clpsmum · 08/05/2021 13:16

I'm sorry to say that I think the child is probably your dps

Eloisedublin123 · 08/05/2021 13:19

Nice gesture but I wouldn’t get into it OP

CirclesWithinCircles · 08/05/2021 13:22

My friend actually did this. First of all, she and her partner adopted her partner's son with his ex, and then a few years later, they adopted her other child, who was with another man (the mother had a lot of issues and was a bit unstable). She finds it has really enriched her life but it has completely changed her life. I really admire both of them though.

But my friend had been with her partner for several years before the first adoption and knew him really well! I think this is too much with a man you haven't been together with all that long and I too would suspect that its actually his child.

DateXY · 08/05/2021 13:27

"Partner", really?? How can you be his "partner" if his youngest child with someone else is only 3 years old and they've only recently divorced?? Confused I doubt he sees you as any sort of partner, just someone he's getting sex and companionship from since he's recently split from wife. I would be getting right out of this situation , surely you deserve much better.

Blossomtoes · 08/05/2021 13:28

@DenisetheMenace

He’s a saint or the child is his. He’s made up his mind, you need to make up your own. If you can’t fully embrace the situation, move on.
This.
FinallyHere · 08/05/2021 13:31

This really isn't the right relationship for you. His attention is too much taken up with other priorities.

Plus, anyone whose reaction to serious situations is to lie to someone or other is not great relationship material.

Honestly, run. Get busy with something else and enjoy your life to its full measure.

Twoforthree · 08/05/2021 13:35

It's good for all the children concerned, however it shouldn't be a secret. It should be a matter of fact, no big deal, truth that all the kids grow up with- so no big reveal.

Tinacollada · 08/05/2021 13:39

No thanks!

Put yourself first OP

sunflowersandbuttercups · 08/05/2021 13:39

I would bet good money that the baby is his.

I had an ex try to pull this stunt with me. "Oh, she doesn't know where their real dad is, so I did the right thing bla bla". Bollocks. The kids were most definitely his - DNA proved it.

Don't get involved in this mess.

NewlyGranny · 08/05/2021 13:42

I think this tangle us indeed DP's to resolve. Yours is whether you want to get tangled up in it for the next 17 years and beyond.

If you ever want children if your own, it's going to be much more complicated than if you were with someone without all his baggage and commitments. I'm afraid your choice is a binary in or out one and the sooner you make it, the better.

How complicated do you want your life to be? What is so special about this man that he makes it worth taking in four stepchildren for the next decade and more?

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2021 13:48

Do you live together OP?

I'm echoing the posters who think the baby might actually be his.

musingloud · 08/05/2021 13:50

Either this post is made up or that child is his.

Footloosefancyfree · 08/05/2021 13:51

Run as fast as you can't the likelihood is he's the child's father and made this story up to make out what a wonderful being he is instead of leaving his pregnant wife.

Egghead68 · 08/05/2021 13:54

It’ll be his biological child, or at least he thinks there’s a good chance it is.

DizzySquirrel90 · 08/05/2021 13:54

If it's not his child, he sounds like a very kind/responsible family man.
He has a fair point regarding the kids going to their 'dads' and one being left behind. That is unfair. Siblings ideally should stick together.

JoandLily · 08/05/2021 14:06

Run for the hills OP

Thewinterofdiscontent · 08/05/2021 14:38

@DizzySquirrel90

If it's not his child, he sounds like a very kind/responsible family man. He has a fair point regarding the kids going to their 'dads' and one being left behind. That is unfair. Siblings ideally should stick together.
He could still do that as a step father though.

The ( illegal ) lie on the birth certificate and telling a massive lie to the child itself and his other children, make him neither kind or responsible

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