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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
JamCrackers · 08/05/2021 12:12

Way too much drama and hassle to be taking on only a year into a relationship.

I’d take this as a sign and walk.

If you were long married with children of your own, you’d have to find a way to work all of this out. But a year in and child free? Why bother? You don’t have to deal with this huge amount of baggage, so dont!

contrary13 · 08/05/2021 12:13

The answer, from a solicitor friend of mine is that your partner has committed a criminal offence by giving false information to the Registrar under the Births, Deaths & Marriages Act. As a consequence of this, if found out (and it may well be - because if you know... who else is likely to know?), your partner and the ex-wife could be substantially fined and/or imprisoned.

Yes, your partner is doing what he believes to be a noble, or the best thing for the child... but at what cost? Further, if I were you, I'd want to know when, or indeed if, they ever plan on telling the child the truth about their origins. Because believing one man's your father, seeing that on your birth certificate - and then being told, suddenly, that it's impossible for him to be related to you, biologically, in any way... perhaps for medical reasons, is devastating. At any age. And will, in all probability, drive a wedge through the now-1 year old's entire life/family. It will damage them. Is that what your partner wants? Because the truth always comes out in these situations, I'm afraid, and that is what he and his ex-wife are bestowing upon an innocent who didn't ask to be born into this sordid mess of their conniving.

The fact that you're even asking for advice about this, @CalamityJay, suggests that deep down, you know it's wrong. In oh-so-many-ways. Flowers

VaVaBoom · 08/05/2021 12:16

He put his name on the birth certificate! I think he's the baby's father. Is there a reason he's not telling you? Timeline of when you got together?

@CalamityJayHe and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs

The child is 1 so there will have been at least 21months that the family knew it wasn't? Do you know his parents / other family members - what do they think?

Tistheseason17 · 08/05/2021 12:25

I am chuckling as it is SO his baby!
His ex has no contact details for the father of her chid she was in a relationship with..?
My arse!
Run away...fast!!!

Viviennemary · 08/05/2021 12:28

If they were still married at the time of the child's birth she doesn't need his permission to put his name on the birth certificate. AFAIK.

knittingaddict · 08/05/2021 12:28

I personally think lying on official documents is wrong and particularly bad on a birth certificate.

I've just come across something similar while researching my family tree. False information was supplied on a birth and death certificate that effectively erased a woman's history and made her impossible to trace. Her child tried to find her almost exactly a century ago and failed.

It was a shitty thing to do then and it's a shitty thing to do now. It's not kind or caring. I would also suspect that your boyfriend is the father.

ihavenowords30 · 08/05/2021 12:30

My partner accepted a step son previous to his own children and continued all support and Contact for this child after the spilt which I accepted but I would not at all be ok board with this for a non bio child after the separation especially having 3 all ready I would draw the link at that I think

DenisetheMenace · 08/05/2021 12:32

He’s a saint or the child is his. He’s made up his mind, you need to make up your own. If you can’t fully embrace the situation, move on.

GingerScallop · 08/05/2021 12:33

Is you relationship with this man casual or serious? Are you being involved in these discussions or just told what the two will do? It's just such a convoluted situation. It's only been a year so I would let the be. They may be legally divorced but are still emotionally married. If you were to marry this man, are you ok to maintain this lie day in day out for as long as you live? Then will you always wonder what else I his life is a well crafted lie? Wish him well and move on

ihavenowords30 · 08/05/2021 12:35

And also with him having 3 bio children already that is a lot financially and emotionally, I'm assuming you would like to have a child (ren) together so taking in another before possibly thinking about your needs children wise is disrespectful.... he sounds a nice man but he needs to draw a link. What if the ex gets pregnant in a couple of years to another man who leaves would your partner want to/ be expected to take on this child too?

If I were you I would say no to this at every level and if he can't see why that tells you everything

Lostmyway86 · 08/05/2021 12:40

I really wouldn't get involved with this OP. Think about yourself and your happiness, you are important. It's bloody hard being a step-parent, I've been one for 5 years and if I'm honest, if I could go back I'd run like the wind. Your situation sounds even more complicated and whether what he's doing is right/wrong/noble/illegal, whatever. It's out of your control and do you really want to help bring up 3 children of your partner's and another who is not either of yours. I really would walk away from this if you can. Wish someone had told me to!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2021 12:41

"the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious"

So acrimonious that he puts his name on the birth certificate of a child who is the embodiment of his wife shagging another man and commits to that not-his-child emotionally and financially?

Nope. Not seeing that happening. An acrimonious divorce is heaving with anger and bitterness and pain. That is not an environment in which one party will voluntarily do a massive favour for the other party, which let's face it - if the child is not his, IS a massive favour to his ex-wife. No matter how much sympathy he might have for the child, acrimony towards his ex would stay his hand.

So - either the divorce was not acrimonious, or the child is his.

And to be honest, whether the child is his or is not is almost irrelevant to your life @CalamityJay. The only relevance is - is he lying to me or not (yes - yes, he is) which is a dealbreaker all of it's own.

Either way (and if you can get past him lying to you), you are looking at a man with four very young children. They will naturally be his priority and you will trail in a very late fifth place (possibly sixth or seventh behind his job, his parents/siblings/friends).

It's been just over a year, cut your losses and move on. This man is not emotionally available, and you should be very wary about becoming 'stepmum' to this instant family. Should you ever want children yourself - he already has four and may be unwilling to have more. A relationship with him is all just more complicated than it should be. There are far too many 'cons' to overcome any 'pros'.

Lostmyway86 · 08/05/2021 12:42

Also ignore those telling you it's none of your business. This is your life we're talking about!!! It's completely your business even if you don't get to make the decision you do get to decide if you want this in your life. They're the same people that would be telling you have to love them like your own in another thread....oh but of course it stjll won't be your business!

StaffRepFeistyClub · 08/05/2021 12:44

What happens when you are lumbered with childcare? What happens when ex starts dictating what you have to do as your partner (dc dad) is working?

What if you want your own dc?

Time to get your trainers on as you are being taken for a mug.

SunshineCake · 08/05/2021 12:45

all littlepattilou Sat 08-May-21 10:14:18
nimbuscloud
Is it not illegal to lie on a birth certificate?
It's not illegal to put the name of a man who is not the biological father, no...

Can you put non biological father birth certificate?
Nope it's a crime. Technically speaking fraudulent. And knowingly placing a non biological father on the certificate is also morally wrong might I add. As for the punishment, I believe it's a rather hefty fine and a criminal record.

Floralchickens · 08/05/2021 12:45

I would run too...the child will be his.

Devlesko · 08/05/2021 12:48

How do you feel about being the mum to all these children?
I'm sure your partner works, most of it will fall to you.
It's how you feel, I know I couldn't take on someone else's children.

Fixitup2 · 08/05/2021 12:50

I also think the child is his. It’s going to be a disaster sadly. If the child isn’t his and they pretend to everyone including the children that it is, the child will find out one day. If he wants to raise it as his own, pay support, have contact etc then fair enough, but lying to everyone is a no.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2021 12:52

@Springsnake

4 step children,isn’t much difference from 3 step children. Let him do the parenting when you are together I don’t think you have been together long enough to have a say in his life . I actually he is doing a very kind and selfless thing ...
Hmmm, well from where I'm standing 3 step children in itself is a HUGE ask (too big for me), so 3 step children plus a fourth that involves potential for drama and emotional trauma, is way too much.
AdultHumanFemale77777 · 08/05/2021 12:53

He's doing the right thing and you're being unreasonable. This isn't anything to do with you and it must be a new relationship so you'd do well to end it and let the man focus on his children.

RedMarauder · 08/05/2021 12:54

OP in rl I know about 5 people (and siblings) who have been brought up by a father who isn't their biological father. The youngest 14 and the oldest is in their 50s.

All their dads ended up with parental responsibility for them, and in one case when the parents divorced the dad ended up being the main carer of the now young adult. There was no adoption involved.

There is absolutely no reason for your bf to put his name on the birth certificate of a child that isn't his.

Your bf isn't telling you the truth.

As PPs said on at the beginning of the thread wish him luck and run away

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2021 12:54

@AdultHumanFemale77777

He's doing the right thing and you're being unreasonable. This isn't anything to do with you and it must be a new relationship so you'd do well to end it and let the man focus on his children.
"This isn't anything to do with you" 😂

I think when people say this they mean "it's not your choice". The two are very different statements. This will obviously have an enormous impact on OPs life.

kalikkma · 08/05/2021 12:55

I don't understand why young women get involved with men with such complex lives. Do you really want to be step mum to 4 for the next 20 odd years.

MarkUp · 08/05/2021 12:58

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

What a selfless gesture. If I were you I'd give him my blessing... And run
This...

No way would I put myself in the middle of this mess.

Confusedandshaken · 08/05/2021 13:00

My mum left my natural father when I was tiny and moved in with the man who adopted me and raised me as his own. They never lied to me about the situation.

It is wrong to lie to a child about their parentage. The truth will probably come out at some point and it won't do the child any good to learn that their family have knowingly deceived them.

I also strongly suspect that your DP at least suspects the child is his, even if there is an element of doubt around the timings. Even if he isn't the dad this is already a murky mess of deceit and blurred boundaries. I'd walk away before you get sucked in any further. You've had a good year. Be grateful for that and move on.

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