My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

[CalamityJay]

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

@Rejoiningperson

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this? Yes. Run for the hills!

I was told to ‘run for the hills’ and I totally ignored them. You have no children with this man. Plenty of men out there without four kids, one of which is a baby. The divorce was recent and acrimonious. Run and keep running.

Absolutely this. ^

No way in HELL would I continue the relationship with this man @CalamityJay

No way would I continue with a relationship either! Not under the circumstances described anyway.

What is keeping you in this relationship? He might be the nicest man in the world, but that would not make this situation remotely bearable (for me).

They have a 3 year old as well as the 1 year old, so the split of the family is all still very raw and new, and with the question mark over the baby’s father, the whole family must still be in trauma from whatever’s gone on.

@Shelby2010

It’s his child.

1. If you were in the middle of an acrimonious divorce, you would not agree to have your name on the birth certificate of your ex-wife’s love child. Nor, as the ex wife would you want your ex husband to have anything to do with your beautiful new baby.

1. He is not a ‘wonderful dad’ and doesn’t have shared custody if he sees them twice a month.

1. I can see bringing along a half-sibling on a day out to a theme park etc would be a nice thing to do. But this is a 1 year old, who presumably doesn’t know him and at this age would not be asking to be included.

The simplest explanation is that this is his child.

It’s his child.

Even in the unlikely event that it's not his child, this is still a run for the hills scenario.

Stepparenting is hard enough under good circumstances. This would be setting yourself up for abject misery.

Unfortunately you haven’t been with him long enough for this to be something you can or should have a say in. You just need to let him get on with it and then decide if it affects the future if your relationship.

@BlueLobelia

god more pasted than I thought. It was meant to be the text of s4 only.

That;s at the bottom if anyone can be bothered to scroll down.

Ha was going to say!

While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him

That's convenient isn't it. I would put money on this being his child.

I get that it's a decent thing to do, but I don't understand why he wants to claim that the child is his? Can't he just say that he's supporting the child because s/he is his own children's half sibling and leave it at that?

That would be a no for me.

The legal bit:

^Set out below is section 4 of the Perjury Act 1911 which covers the deliberate provision of false information to birth registrars,. It appears that you may be in breach of this.
4 False statements, &c. as to births or deaths.
(1)If any person—
(a)wilfully makes any false answer to any question put to him by any registrar of births or deaths relating to the particulars required to be registered concerning any birth or death, or, wilfully gives to any such registrar any false information concerning any birth or death or the cause of any death; or
(b)wilfully makes any false certificate or declaration under or for the purposes of any Act relating to the registration of births or deaths, or, knowing any such certificate or declaration to be false, uses the same as true or gives or sends the same as true to any person; or
(c)wilfully makes, gives or uses any false statement or declaration as to a child born alive as having been still-born, or as to the body of a deceased person or a still-born child in any coffin, or falsely pretends that any child born alive was still-born; or
(d)makes any false statement with intent to have the same inserted in any register of births or deaths:
he shall be guilty of a misdemeanour and shall be liable—
(i)on conviction thereof on indictment to penal servitude for a term not exceeding seven years, or to imprisonment . . . F1 for a term not exceeding two years, or to a fine instead of either of the said punishments; and
(ii)on summary conviction thereof, to a penalty not exceeding [F2£100].
(2)A prosecution on indictment for an offence against this section shall not be commenced more than three years after the commission of the offence^

So the long and the short of this is the offence of perjury can not be prosecuted in the Crown Court if more than 3 years have passed since the registration you can not be prosecuted in the Crown Court but you can be prosecuted in the Magistrates Court. This means that the maximum penalty would be a fine.

I think this is a lot for you to take on TBH. What if you have a baby with this chap as well ? 4 DC at EOW or whatever plus you own LO would be hard work I think . I would be cautious here ,he has more baggage than Heathrow Airport!

It's a noble choice I guess but this is not a man I'd want to settle down and have a family of my own with. He's going to have his hands full (and his wallet empty) for a very long time.

Noble? It really isn't! How on earth can it be noble when him and ex wife are planning to lie to this child for the rest of it's life about it's paternity?
It's a truly apalling and morally indefensible plan!
By all means, he could treat the child exactly the same as his other children, including all contact visits, inheritance etc etc and that would be generous of him. But to lie to the child (and everyone else) that the child is biologically his, is cruel and totally unnecessary.
I can't believe that anyone would actually plan such a stupid and duplicitous situation.
The fact that the divorce was acrimonious means it is even more likely to fail spectacularly.

This will probably be reported in The Daily Mail.

I am sorry but my thinking is he lied to you because when he met you he would have looked like a dick saying he had gotten his ex pregnant and she was just about to give birth. He might have thought you were a bit of fun so no harm done but now he's fallen in love with you he's had to continue the lie. I hope you are OK OP.

Also just to say, from my own bitter experience. My Ex who had 4 children, and everyone told me to run. He was the most fantastic person ever. Really, really! Had the kids most of the time, did the housework, was tidy, was fit, was kind, generous, really boosted me, seemed to treat his Ex really fairly (she told him he was the best Ex ever), stable, really good job, very intelligent...

My friends still told me to run for the hills. They said he could be God himself and it still wouldn’t work. I ignored them as he was my most secure, stable and sensible option for years.

But him being lovely and kind all crumbled under the awful stress that four children and a pissed off Ex comes with. And why would a man really leave four kids? Unless the Ex was awful, that’s a pretty shitty thing to do. And yes guess what, my Ex turned out to be not so great after all...

He's either a noble naive idiot or he's the child's father. Most likely the latter and he's lying to you.

I think it will be good for the child and perhaps the sibling relationships. He's obviously quite a caring person.

4 step children,isn’t much difference from 3 step children.
Let him do the parenting when you are together
I don’t think you have been together long enough to have a say in his life .
I actually he is doing a very kind and selfless thing ...

@MadinMarch it’s a red flag that two people are willing to be complicit, if he really isn’t the father. I also knew of a couple who pretended their first child was his, the mother actually refused to put the father’s name on the birth certificate, basically moved him out as she was fed up and wanted a ‘new daddy’. This man was my friend, and was manipulated into it at the age of 20, but it’s still no excuse he shouldn’t have done it. But she made him feel that the baby loved him, how could he reject it etc. It’s messed up stuff. The real father tried to be involved but the mother had a hot temper and gave him hell about one thing or another so he just gave up.

Fast forward on and my friend had kids with this woman, they married, he legally adopted her. But it really set the tone, the families a bit of a mess. He eventually left. The child had to find out years after she should have done about her being adopted. Lots of drama. She found her father, but they argued as her mother and everyone really couldn’t cope, everyone shouting and arguing. Eventually her biological Dad and her had a big bust up and now never speak. The girl now lies about a lot of quite big things in her life. She’s had her own child and lied about the father too. She’s very insecure about my friend, her adopted and basically her real Dad, and is highly manipulative with him, very, very needy even now she’s an adult, and highly competitive with her siblings.

All of that family now continue to have quite big lies that they tell each other. They vie for material things all the time. They don’t have many friends, but those they do are very intense. Extremely dysfunctional.

Once you start with a big lie... it doesn’t end well imho.

@Marcydarcy7867

He’s doing the right thing.

You are not by getting with a man with 4 kids and trying somebody shake off one of them.

I feel this way. The child is one, and you’ve been with him just over a year. No one has cheated on you, you are in a relationship with a man who effectively has 4 children. If that’s a dealbreaker compared to 3 then leave.

They want to lie to the child about who the father is, or he is lying to you.

Deception is a deal breaker for me.

And while I get him having all the kids over together if he wants, which is nice. I don't understand the financial commitment and willingness to lie to everyone for a child that isn't his, following an acrimonious divorce. I'm sorry but it doesn't add up and I suspect he's the biological father and they're making up the absent father as an excuse.

@Aquamarine1029

If you don't run like hell away from this disaster you are insane. Why on earth would you want this mess in your life?

I agree with all of this.

It must be his.
Wake up and smell the coffee love!

There are two major alarm bells as @Wheresthebeach the beach says, over and above the ‘man wanting to take responsibility’:

• the deception and the mess. Recently divorced. Acrimonious. Recent baby, either he still feels bonded / guilty enough with Ex or he is the father. Either way he is connected to his Ex very closely still. The deception is a core part of their relationship, it ties them to a lie. You will be outside of this OP.
• That he left three or four kids. Unless there was a clear awful thing that the Ex had done, like cheat, then a man who leaves a young family who need him is to be avoided at all costs.

I think he’s doing a good thing for the children. If his name is already on the birth certificate and he’s financially supporting the child then the child is going to think he’s the father and wonder why they are being left out. I don’t get how you thought he was going to leave a child out when he’s already agreed to be responsible for that child.

It’s definitely an unusual set up but also not unheard of.

You need to decide if you can’t handle him loving a child that isn’t his, because if you can’t you need to leave.

I'm surprised so many people are happy with this level of deception, and think it's a sign of a caring man.