My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@janeapple111

As a child of divorced parents, I can say this:

The quality of life of a child with divorced parents, TOTALLY depends on the woman that the father goes out with, after the divorce.

It is women that ruin family lives. A woman ruined my family life. And anyone I know that had family problems, where people were not allowed to see each other, it was caused by women.

A lot of women seem to be very insecure and think that if their partner loves a child from a previous marriage, that it means that they don't love them enough.

A lot of women seem to be very insecure and think that if their partner loves a child from a previous marriage, that it means that they don't love them enough

Again, this is nothing remotely like what I've said. In any way shape or form.

And it's not just these women at fault. Maybe your Dad shouldn't have been with someone who was so awful to his DC? Where's his blame?

This woman made my life a total misery. She hated children, she hated me seeing my Dad. Before her, I had a very good relationship with my Dad. Once he got with her, he became distant with me, because she did not like children. She eventually told him to cut me off altogether, because she did not want me around, which he did. This led me to grow up without a dad in my life, my life was awful, and this led me to make multiple suicide attempts as an adult, because my life was so bad.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but your anger is directed at the wrong person. Your dad made the choice to be in a relationship with her and to walk away from you. You were his responsibility, he was the one who owed you and should have made you the priority. He is the one in the wrong 100%.

[quote Youseethethingis]@janeapple111
Your experience was horrible, and your dad and his wife utter arseholes. No doubt about it.
That's not what is being discussed here though. At all.[/quote]
Eh?
It is exactly what is being discussed here.

The OP said that she wants to treat her own children better than her step children.

I shared a story where my stepmother treated me (her stepchild) badly, and only treated her own children well. I said that my stepmother had such a bad effect on me, that my stepmother caused me to attempt suicide multiple times.

It is exactly the same thing as the OP discussed. Stepmothers want to treat their own children well, and not their stepchildren.

It is exactly the same thing as the OP discussed. Stepmothers want to treat their own children well, and not their stepchildren

No. Please point me to where I said I want to treat my step children badly.

I said my DC is my priority and I won't have them miss out on things when DSC aren't around. That is not the same as wanting to treat them badly, at all.

your own children being a priority is a world away to what you have been through @janeapple111 - you're massively projecting

@ILoveYou3000

This woman made my life a total misery. She hated children, she hated me seeing my Dad. Before her, I had a very good relationship with my Dad. Once he got with her, he became distant with me, because she did not like children. She eventually told him to cut me off altogether, because she did not want me around, which he did. This led me to grow up without a dad in my life, my life was awful, and this led me to make multiple suicide attempts as an adult, because my life was so bad.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but your anger is directed at the wrong person. Your dad made the choice to be in a relationship with her and to walk away from you. You were his responsibility, he was the one who owed you and should have made you the priority. He is the one in the wrong 100%.

You never met her!

She was the most psychotic, evil person. She played us all against each other. She would invent stories to tell my Dad, she would say that I had told her that I didn't want to see my father again, that I had said that he was an awful Dad, and that I never wanted to see him again.

He would arrange to see me, and I would go, and she wouldnt let me in to the house, and she would tell me that he didnt want to see me, and she would tell him that i didn't want to see him.

She wore him down mentally too. My Dad killed himself, a long time ago now.

See OP, this is why I don’t understand you posting. You are clearly a decent parent and step parent, but by putting a post like yours on here, you get all these stories of bad step parenting compared to yours, when in reality, they’re nothing alike.

*Eh?
It is exactly what is being discussed here.

The OP said that she wants to treat her own children better than her step children.

I shared a story where my stepmother treated me (her stepchild) badly, and only treated her own children well. I said that my stepmother had such a bad effect on me, that my stepmother caused me to attempt suicide multiple times.

It is exactly the same thing as the OP discussed. Stepmothers want to treat their own children well, and not their stepchildren.*

Exactly the same as what you've posted would be wanting to actively treat her step children badly, and push for her partner, their dad, to do the same. That's not what's being discussed here at all. OP is discussing not wanting to limit the things SHE does with her DC based on what is going on with her DSS. She hasn't in any way hinted towards wanting to put any blockers into their relationship with their dad, or hinted towards disliking them.

Step mothers (the one's on this thread at least) want to treat their own children like their own children, and not their step children. That is not the same thing as treating them well, and their step children badly.

@KaleSlayer

See OP, this is why I don’t understand you posting. You are clearly a decent parent and step parent, but by putting a post like yours on here, you get all these stories of bad step parenting compared to yours, when in reality, they’re nothing alike.

bit victim blamey that isn't it?

we should be able to freely discuss this without people feeling the need to name call and compare us to people in completely different situations.

Not once on this thread has anyone said anything about treating their step children badly or cutting them out of the family or any thing of the sort.
We are saying our own children are our priority. Just like any other mother.
I do lots with and for DSD. I care about her very much. I certainly hope she's not suicidal in future because I saved money for my son or took him to the park when she wasn't here.

@janeapple111

As a child of divorced parents, I can say this:

The quality of life of a child with divorced parents, TOTALLY depends on the woman that the father goes out with, after the divorce.

It is women that ruin family lives. A woman ruined my family life. And anyone I know that had family problems, where people were not allowed to see each other, it was caused by women.

A lot of women seem to be very insecure and think that if their partner loves a child from a previous marriage, that it means that they don't love them enough.

While I am sympathetic to you having had a terrible experience, this is exactly the kind of misogynistic nonsense that lets men off the hook all the time.

@KaleSlayer

See OP, this is why I don’t understand you posting. You are clearly a decent parent and step parent, but by putting a post like yours on here, you get all these stories of bad step parenting compared to yours, when in reality, they’re nothing alike.

That's the point though. Why does perfectly decent step parents posting their normal experiences lead to people posting all these unrelated bad stories and feeling scandalised? You simply seem to have a more avoidant attitude than others. Some people like to tackle social issues head on rather than avoid them 🤷‍♀️

we should be able to freely discuss this without people feeling the need to name call and compare us to people in completely different situations

I'm not even bothered about the name calling or projecting tbh. It's serving as a fine example as to why this board is so ridiculous and unrealistic.

@janeapple111

As a child of divorced parents, I can say this:

The quality of life of a child with divorced parents, TOTALLY depends on the woman that the father goes out with, after the divorce.

It is women that ruin family lives. A woman ruined my family life. And anyone I know that had family problems, where people were not allowed to see each other, it was caused by women.

A lot of women seem to be very insecure and think that if their partner loves a child from a previous marriage, that it means that they don't love them enough.

Whilst that isn’t nice - the parents here ought to be accountable for who they have around their children.

I’ve always said to my DH that if I drop dead can he please ensure his next partner is kind and respectful to our children. I don’t have expectations of a replacement Mother, just someone positive in my DC’s life. I’d be happy with someone like me - and I’m not someone who Mothers my DSC.

we should be able to freely discuss this without people feeling the need to name call and compare us to people in completely different situations.

I agree. But many people aren’t capable of doing that, it’s been seen on here plenty of times. I just wouldn’t deliberately put myself in the firing line of these people that clearly aren’t capable of seeing or don’t want to see that not all step parents are bad.

I don’t think that’s victim blaming at all. This place is fucking mad at times.

This place is fucking mad at times

I'll cheers to that!

@janeapple111 As I said I'm sorry for what you went through, but your dad made the choice to be with her. He allowed her to cut you out by not walking away at the first sign.

Why is it always the woman's fault? Why is it only stepmum's expected to treat their SC exactly as they do their own DC, thereby making it unequal?

Children have two parents, as long as they are prioritised by those two people, anything more is simply a bonus. SP's should obviously treat their SC with kindness, they can love them even but it's not the same love you feel for your own child(ten).

Not making your SC number one does not mean they're treated badly. Putting your own child(ten) first does not make you evil or unfit to be a SP.

Each child in the family has two parents and should be prioritised by their own two parents.

@Youseethethingis

Again. Nothing to do with what OP is saying.

Explain how, instead of parroting that line, nonsensically.

OP wants to treat her own children better than her stepchildren.

I shared a story where my stepmother treated me worse than her own children.

Either explain, how it is. "nothing to do with the OP", or stop saying it!

I'm not even coming at this from an entirely one sided view either.

I am a step child. My parents are divorced. My mum's husband is fantastic, love him to pieces. Never tried to father me though, quite happy with that I had my Dad and didn't need another.

My Dad, who I actually happened to live with growing up, had two relationships after my Mum. The first was not good, she was like PP described, determined to come between me and my Dad, not very nice at all. The second was absolutely lovely.

And it wasn't because she didn't prioritise her own DC or mothered me, it was just because she was nice to me, that was all I needed/wanted. Unfortunately that didn't work out because she wanted more DC and my Dad didn't but I always think fondly of her and speak occasionally to her. She was a nice lady.

Same as if you dont want to get raped dont wear a short skirt - on a much lower level of course, but its the same thing.

Whoa. How dare you? This is nothing at all like rape.

OP wants to treat her own children better than her stepchildren

Because you're suggesting by treating my own DC or prioritising my own DC I am treating my DSC badly.

I'm not. I just don't treat them as my children, because they aren't. That is not the same as treating them badly. I just have a different relationship with them than I do my own DC.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

your own children being a priority is a world away to what you have been through *@janeapple111* - you're massively projecting

Projecting ?

What about the other story I shared. Look back, I shared two stories, one wasnt about me at all.

I know a family where the woman had her own two children , and she had three stepchildren. She took her own two children on days out, and left the other three at home.

As an adult, one of those three children, told me how those three children cried all the time about being left at home, and how it affected his self esteem all of his life.

@janeapple111 completely agree. And thanks for sharing this experience as it highlights so accurately the root of many problems.

Someone said it is unfair that SC to be treated equally by the SM as then there is more people in their life that cares for them :D did i get that right? unbelievable really. What is the unfairness in offering a child love and care from all possible parties? Are you talking about inheritance here? Then the bio-mum's assets are irrelevant here. Are you talking about more holidays? They should be offered the option of coming along at least dont you think? If not they will feel missed out? Are you feeling that they shouldnt get toys from you in Christmas as they get some from their bio-m family? Are you writing down what they get and do not in an Excel sheet from each parent to see if it balances out? Perhaps you are talking about love. Is there an excess of love that the SC should not access do you think if a SM also loves their DC?

And what you described is nothing like this situation because I've not suggested anywhere that I hate children, make their life a misery, hate them seeing their Dad etc... That's treating them badly. I just don't treat them the same. There is a difference.