My DC will always be my priority

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Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

My own DC are the centre of my world and I plan my life accordingly. I’m the one who looks after them and so I do days out etc at my own convenience. If it’s convenient to, I factor in DSS, if it’s not, I don’t.

I definitely don’t feel I need to be equal in gifts etc DSS has his two parents for that.

Logistically it’s not always possible for me to factor DSS in.

Likewise DSS’ mum used the weekend we had DSS to take her younger DC (different dad) out for the day, so it’s clear she has the same view and I know she can’t manage all her children alone - so why would I be expected to manage my DC and DSS for the sake of “fairness”.

If DH wants to change plans to accommodate DSS that’s up to him. But with the age difference it’s not always ideal to include everyone anyway.

Frankly my life is pretty full on working and looking after my own kids whilst my DH stays away. I don’t really want the mental burden of another child if nothing else!

Holiday is either me and DC alone or me and my family and DC. DH doesn't come unless all children come which he usually can't afford.

Re the inheritance thing, I think surely that depends on the person the children grow up to be. I would never dream of falling out with my step dads kids because they inherited from him and I didn't. I have my own parents to potentially inherit from. Unless you're pretty entitled as an adult I don't see why you'd expect your half siblings mother to leave to you equally and go so far as to fall out with your sibling because they didn't. We so often get told that it's no one's business or irrelevant what DSCs Mum may leave to them, so imo it's irrelevant what I will potentially leave to my child so long as what DH leaves is equal between his children.

I'm perfectly nice to the children by the way and get on well with them, I just don't treat them or see them as my children. Which they seem to be quite happy with.

Am 100% with you OP. My child = my priority. My husband's child = his priority. We are both very clear on that. And (shock horror) we have both been on holiday with my child but not his. And vice versa. And no one died.

You're not wrong but it sounds like you've remarried the wrong person.

Why do posters think that a child would be so damaged by witnessing that their half sibling has a different relationship with their own mother than they do that they would bear a grudge in adulthood?
Unless they have been taught otherwise, surely it just normal that your Mum loves you and looks after you more than any other woman?

And sorry yes for clarity, my DC is DHs DC too. So half sibling to DSC.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

You're not wrong but it sounds like you've remarried the wrong person.

Why?

Well it depends, doesn't it? There is a huge difference between say these 2 scenarios....

A. You and DH take your children away/days out sometimes, your DSC go away/with other parent sometimes, your bring them all together sometimes, and eveyrthing works out kind of equal

and

B. You bring your DC away/on days out and couldn't give a fuck about whether DSC get to do the same and refuse to bring them as you say you can't afford it and only your kids matter to you.

Also, you taking your DC away is very different to you and DH taking your kids away, and not his.

[quote Killahangilion]@DM1209 has made a very good point which most of you seem to have missed!

Are your own parents still alive and involved in your life or are they already deceased? Have you been through a traumatic break-up/divorce? Who supported you through it? Your DC are probably young now but you won't always be around. Maybe you'll be lucky and live to a ripe old age but what if you die relatively young?

Three of my friends have been widowed in the 30's and 40's: Their partners were all fit and healthy individuals and their deaths were very shocking.

My SDC are older and are starting to have children themselves. Their mum also died when they were young. They have an excellent relationship with my DS which I have taken great pains to nurture. They are HIS FAMILY TOO.

I take comfort knowing that when I'm gone, especially if I'm unlucky enough to die young-ish, my DS will have sibling family members who will care for him and continue to support him long after I'm gone.

I've read lots of sad stories on here involving inheritance issues driving a wedge between ordinary siblings, let alone step-siblings. I think it's a mistake not to think about how your children will be supported when you've gone.
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I totally agree with this

I have a friend who has adult SC and a young teenage child. She would admit she never really encouraged their relationship, the SC never came on holidays/days out etc. They are both older parents (hence the adult SC), their child is an only child (apart from the SC) and has some additional needs. Whilst I'd never say it to her, because ultimately it's up to them what they do, but I do wonder what sort of relationship the siblings will all have when they're older and potentially the parents are no longer around. Personally I would have tried to have nurtured that relationship to hope to get a nice relationship going forward, but I'm not them so easy for me to judge. It's just my feeling.

Although saying all that, I'm not sure that is OP's situation though? I get the feeling the children are step relations to each other? So her children are not her husbands?

Because it sounds like he can't accept that you're not there to facilitate his children at your expense. Fuck that.

@swimlittlefishy

Well it depends, doesn't it? There is a huge difference between say these 2 scenarios....

A. You and DH take your children away/days out sometimes, your DSC go away/with other parent sometimes, your bring them all together sometimes, and eveyrthing works out kind of equal

and

B. You bring your DC away/on days out and couldn't give a fuck about whether DSC get to do the same and refuse to bring them as you say you can't afford it and only your kids matter to you.

Also, you taking your DC away is very different to you and DH taking your kids away, and not his.

Well I'd say it's mostly A but some of B but not in quite the way you've put it.

We do do things with all the children as it happens. But if say for example the weather is nice and DC wants to go do something fun and DSC aren't with us then no I don't 'give a fuck' in the sense that I don't concern myself with whether DSC are doing something fun that day with their Mum, I don't know of they are and it's not my business if they are or not. I wouldn't not take my DC either way.

My child is my husband's.

And we also don't never take DSCs on days out or holidays. I just don't stop doing them with my DC too if the opportunity comes up and DSC aren't about or can't come.

I feel the same as you OP. My children will always come before anyone and anything else.

That’s why I would never contemplate a serious relationship with anyone who had kids, never mind marry them like you have. Because I know the resulting situation would never work, most of all for my kids.

I think as long as you aren't always planning for everything to always exclude your SC then there is nothing wrong with doing stuff with your children when the SC aren't there! Why would there be anything wrong with that?
My DS has never lived with his dad and neither he nor I would have expected day trips and holidays to always include him.

With holidays, DH can't often afford to take all of the children away. And I can't afford to pay for everyone either.

But if my family offer a holiday to me and DC, we go or if I can afford a little break on our own then I go. DSC go away with their Mum and with us all with DH when he can afford it. But I won't deny our DC a holiday with just me or my family if it's there.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I feel the same as you OP. My children will always come before anyone and anything else.

That’s why I would never contemplate a serious relationship with anyone who had kids, never mind marry them like you have. Because I know the resulting situation would never work, most of all for my kids.

My DC is my husband's DC.

I don’t understand your husband being ok with going on holiday without his other children, if he does that. As a mum I wouldn’t do that.

Completely agree with you OP, life doesn't stop because DSC aren't there.

In any case, they have two parents to do things with. Why should your child miss out because their half sibling isn't there, that's really unfair.

@KaleSlayer

I don’t understand your husband being ok with going on holiday without his other children, if he does that. As a mum I wouldn’t do that.

If you read my posts I've said he doesn't. I go alone or with my family.

Absolutely fine OP. You earn money for your DC to treat them. SC don't need 3 adults contributing to holidays etc

@KaleSlayer

I don’t understand your husband being ok with going on holiday without his other children, if he does that. As a mum I wouldn’t do that.

I've been on holiday without my own DC. What's wrong with that?

I think the thing is, there's no right or wrong answer. Everyone's situation is different

Some step parents can't afford to pay for SC, some can, some don't want to, some treat them as their own. It's up to people how they do it, I think it's nice if you can that SC are included to feel like family etc, but not to the detriment of your own children etc. However, all children belong to your DH, he has a duty to them all. So I think it's important that as much as possible he treats them as equals, so it's probably good that as HE can't afford to take them all away, that he doesn't always go - as that will in the long run be a kick in the teeth to his older children- however he also shouldn't always miss out on holidays with the children you share. It's a balancing act!

I’ve done it all
Holidays on my own - no kids no husband 😂 definitely recommend 😂
Holidays on my own with just me and my son or just me and my niece
Holidays with my family and myself and my son
Holidays with my husband and my DC
Holidays with my husband and my DC and my 2 stepsons

Stepkids got holidays with their mum and stepdad and trips with them

None of the kids have been traumatised by not always being included
But that’s because the adults act like adults instead of trying to point score and lay down stupid rules of what’s fair
Kids are all grown up now and get along just fine .

If you read my posts I've said he doesn't. I go alone or with my family.

Ok, sorry, it wasn’t clear to me. I think that fine then. Days out and stuff are different as it’s just a day. If it was something like a big day out to a theme park or similar, I would try to plan it for when all the kids were with me though.

Your husband is unreasonable if he thinks your SC should inherit as much from you as your own children. And he can’t expect your parents to be told to buy your SC equal amounts at Xmas. Although if i was the grandparents, I would treat them all equally without being asked.

I don’t really think blended families work though. It sounds like constant problems from what I’ve seen in real life and read on here.