My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@KaleSlayer

I wouldn’t recommend it for you Kale. I think they work better when people have the ability to empathise and consider another’s POV. Being closed minded and ignorant would definitely make it difficult.

It’s because I empathise and consider my children’s feelings that I wouldn’t put them in a situation where they had a step father or step siblings. It wouldn’t be right for me or my children...or any potential children I would be step mum to.
I don’t think my partner would live with someone else if we split up as he has similar views to me on this. Of course if he did, we’d have to navigate it. My kids are teens now, eldest is 18 soon so I can only hope it’ll never happen. They’ll have real choices on where they at least though as they’re older.

I'm glad you know your own mind. I'm not sure why you're telling the Step Parents board you don't think the partners of Step Parents haven't considered or empathised with their children. The ship has already sailed for the Step Parents. Do you think we should split up? That would cause more damage as the SC won't see that even if one relationship fails another can flourish.

*ps, meant sc, not DC. These mn abbreviations are killing me...

I dunno, maybe I’m lucky with family. I love my BILs and my PILs, even more so now that I have children with DH. I love my BIL on the other side too (my sister’s husband). And his sister, as well.

There are no step-kids involved but if there were I’d like to think I’d treat them fairly. I probably wouldn’t love them as much as my DC, but I wouldn’t not love them at all, especially if they were a constant feature in my life (as could be reasonably expected if my DH were their DF).

@FloconDeNeige

I dunno, maybe I’m lucky with family. I love my BILs and my PILs, even more so now that I have children with DH. I love my BIL on the other side too (my sister’s husband). And his sister, as well.

There are no step-kids involved but if there were I’d like to think I’d treat them fairly. I probably wouldn’t love them as much as my DC, but I wouldn’t not love them at all, especially if they were a constant feature in my life (as could be reasonably expected if my DH were their DF).

What about having a child with your DH made you love his other relatives more?

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?

@FloconDeNeige

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?

That's quite an extreme scenario for most.

Tbh if I were in that situation I would expect my children's paternal grandparents/family to mainly facilitate that. Presumably both sets of children would be invited to family occasions and see each other at their grandparent's (or whoever) house. I doubt myself and DP's ex-wife would meet up so the kids could see each other.

What about having a child with your DH made you love his other relatives more?

Our shared bond through the child. They are a blood link between us. If DH died, I’d still help my DC have a relationship with their father’s family, even though they are foreign and live overseas, so it wouldn’t be easy.

@FloconDeNeige

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?

My guess is MIL would do it. Or maybe she'd just see the SC. She doesn't seem interested in DS.

His ex wouldn't be interested. She'd probably mostly be pissed off her maintenance stopped.

@FloconDeNeige

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?

In that case I probably would be the one facilitating it, but why does that make any difference to how much I feel or do for him now?

@FloconDeNeige

What about having a child with your DH made you love his other relatives more?

Our shared bond through the child. They are a blood link between us. If DH died, I’d still help my DC have a relationship with their father’s family, even though they are foreign and live overseas, so it wouldn’t be easy.

But surely what made you love them more was just increased involvement through your DC? Not an inherent increase in love due to being linked?

@osbertthesyrianhamster

You're not wrong but it sounds like you've remarried the wrong person.

Quite!

[quote Fondizone]@Bibidy thank you for your reply. Yes I imagine a lot of newly minted sm's have no idea how much different the relationship will be to the ones they experienced and develop resentment as a result... In some cases feel trapped...

@FishyFriday thank you too. I guess it is true that one can not know the full story, on the other hand as a b-mum who lives full time with the child she'd know what sort of behaviour to expect and what sounds really out there...
The dinner example, how do you deal with that situation? If my DS didn't like the food (for no real reason) I'd just be pushy and let him know I'm annoyed. But as an sm do you feel you can respond the same way you would to your DC?[/quote]
Oh the food situation is dire. The kids are picky. But they also choose not to eat things they like to get at me. And they choose to eat incredibly slowly to inconvenience everyone. And they sulk and make faces at me across the table. I can make DSD's favourite and she'll do this.

Partly she does it because her father will get annoyed at me because he is supposed to tell her off. Or do some actual parenting. It's my fault for not cooking the right thing. Or for objecting to being treated like that. Or expecting to enjoy the food I cooked.

I'm on maternity leave and he's decided that makes me a housewife/skivvy. Even before I did all the cooking. I cook nice food. It's child friendly. I have a baby who is learning to eat and gets what we eat. He needs not to be exposed to their behaviour. And there's no excuse for taking an hour to eat less food than a 6 month old baby independently fed himself in 15 minutes. I'm not even joking. It was an actual BLW recipe that included nothing they don't like. It regularly prevented us from going places because they just wouldn't eat (and their father won't just let them be hungry).

So he cooks for them before I start cooking for the rest of us. He stomps about whinging that I won't let him use his kitchen whenever he likes etc. He makes beige freezer food and they take the piss over eating it. They eat at a table in a living/dining room and are supposed to be finished before the rest of us eat. Their father elects not to eat with them.

It's crap. But their father had had years to improve this and I need to think about my children. The baby needs decent enough examples of eating behaviour. My DS needs a dinner that isn't tense and ruined by escalating bad behaviour. So I drew a boundary.

My H likes to whinge that I'm awful and I exclude his children but that's just his sob story. He doesn't want to take responsibility for us having got here and me taking action to protect myself and my children. I'm not being scapegoated for cooking nice dinners that my children eat because he doesn't want to deal with his children's behaviour. His whole family complain about how bad their eating behaviour is. He does. He doesn't want the baby copying them (as DSS has clearly copied his older sister). Unless he's wanting to pretend he's the wounded party who has to choose between his children at dinner time.

It's a mess. And it's easy to paint me as the villain. But I'm not. I tried hard for years. It was and is all used against me. It's my H that's the problem and only he can solve it. But he lacks the will to do so. It's easier to pretend to be a poor hapless victim.

Blimey fishy he sounds like a nightmare husband

@ALevelhelp

Blimey fishy he sounds like a nightmare husband

That is only the tip of the iceberg. Alas.

He thinks he's bloody wonderful though. 🙄

I don't know how you put up with it @FishyFriday.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

I don't know how you put up with it *@FishyFriday*.

Well, I don't think I'll be doing so in the long term. I'm getting things in order so I'm not stuck with him. Although him being NRP to the baby is obviously a big concern. I know what he's like and it's not good for the kids.

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?

If my ex died, I would do exactly what I do now.

My ex doesn’t make any effort to maintain contact between his children himself, so I have on a few occasions had my children’s half sibling round for tea or had them round on special occasions. I like to maintain boundaries though and on one point it felt like their sibling was asking to come round almost every weekend, which felt was way too much if I’m honest. It’s just not what I want to happen.

And when it comes to days out and holidays, no. It’s just not happening. Maybe some point I might invite them along, but it’s not something I’m in a rush to do. Their father is alive and breathing and should be doing stuff like that himself.

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?

I’d cross that bridge when it came to it. As pp said DSS’ Mother would just be pissed off maintenance stopped. If DS wanted to see DSS I’d guess it would be at in-laws.

I admit I wouldn’t take him on days out - but he’s a handful and his own mother can’t manage him and his maternal half siblings, I don’t hold my ability to manage in any higher esteem.

Anyone else remember the thread where the SM was working full time, on her own with her own two kids and still taking her step kids for normal contact after her DH dies because his ex needed a break? And the ex also wanted maintenance from the OP to make it fair.
The things that stick...

All those saying if you split then the (ex-)DH would be responsible for facilitating sibling relationships. What if he died? Would you make no effort to help your kids to see their half-siblings then too?
If my DP dies I would be happy to attempt to facilitate a relationship between DSS and DS however previously DSS mum has hit the roof about DSS spending a day with me when DP went out for the afternoon (I'm only allowed to supervise DSS if DPs at work), she also went mad when DSS had a day out with his aunt. I cant really see her letting me have DSS for any kind of time and her husband is an abusive prick so under no circumstances would I leave my child in that household.
These things often arent the decision of the SM or at least not solely the SM.

@Youseethethingis

Anyone else remember the thread where the SM was working full time, on her own with her own two kids and still taking her step kids for normal contact after her DH dies because his ex needed a break? And the ex also wanted maintenance from the OP to make it fair. The things that stick...

I can imagine the response too.

Thinking about it I’d have some pretty pressing issues if my DH dropped dead, with two young DC and work as a widower, all the rest of it. I’d hope in laws could ease my load a little by facilitating contact for DSS with his half siblings.

Anyone else remember the thread where the SM was working full time, on her own with her own two kids and still taking her step kids for normal contact after her DH dies because his ex needed a break? And the ex also wanted maintenance from the OP to make it fair.
The things that stick...

I missed that one! That’s horrible.

And yes, I can imagine the deluded responses on here from people agreeing with the selfish ex wife.

@Youseethethingis

Anyone else remember the thread where the SM was working full time, on her own with her own two kids and still taking her step kids for normal contact after her DH dies because his ex needed a break? And the ex also wanted maintenance from the OP to make it fair. The things that stick...

What would happen in that instance? Obviously the SM wouldn't do maintenance , but would the NRP be able to claim anything from the will to continue supporting any joint children? I wonder what happens there. I'm guessing not unless there was something in the will about it

I've never really thought about it as financially I don't rely on DS's Dad (good job really )

Is there a benefit that the RP can claim as they are now the only one who financially supports the child? Im guessing not as death isn't the only reason a NRP doesn't pay..

Sorry to totally derail the thread, I'm just intrigued and never thought about it before

Anyone else remember the thread where the SM was working full time, on her own with her own two kids and still taking her step kids for normal contact after her DH dies because his ex needed a break?

I assume the SM continued taking her SC after her DH died because she wanted to, or because her kids want to see them. She could hardly be forced to do it, regardless of the Ex needing a break.