My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

I know a family where the woman had her own two children , and she had three stepchildren. She took her own two children on days out, and left the other three at home

Again, this is nothing like what I've said. I have never and would never just leave my DSC home alone whilst I went out. Sometimes they may stay home with their Dad, but that's not the same thing obviously.

@MarkUp

OP wants to treat her own children better than her stepchildren

Because you're suggesting by treating my own DC or prioritising my own DC I am treating my DSC badly.

I'm not. I just don't treat them as my children, because they aren't. That is not the same as treating them badly. I just have a different relationship with them than I do my own DC.

Yes and I can understand that from your perspective.

I think there is an argument to be made though, that if children are in your care, that they should be treated the same

That’s appalling behaviour. Not least to leave the other kids at home. I’d be really disappointed in their dad for allowing their step mother to take care of them - where was he??

Reading between the lines 5 kids is too much for one person on a day out - what were their parents doing? Neither the kids nor the step parent should have been in that position.

*Explain how, instead of parroting that line, nonsensically.

OP wants to treat her own children better than her stepchildren.

I shared a story where my stepmother treated me worse than her own children.

Either explain, how it is. "nothing to do with the OP", or stop saying it!*

Because your stepmother appears to have actively went out of her way to alienate and exclude you. OP includes her SC, but was asking the question why is wrong for her child to miss out when the SC aren't around!

The OP's SC already have two parents, who prioritise them and put them first, take them on holidays and days out, buy them presents. OP's child also has two parents, one of whom wants to do for them exactly as her SC's mother does for the SC.

@MarkUp

And what you described is nothing like this situation because I've not suggested anywhere that I hate children, make their life a misery, hate them seeing their Dad etc... That's treating them badly. I just don't treat them the same. There is a difference.

Not treating them the same IS treating them badly! A child feels it!

If you were in a room with two other children, and the only adult there, was showing those two children more love than they were showing you, - how would you feel?You are a vulnerable child, and you are depending on that adult.

The point is the step children are not in the room. The step children live in two households and will not always be present. Some people have the view that anything worth doing should wait until the step children are physically present.

I think there is an argument to be made though, that if children are in your care, that they should be treated the same

The children aren't in her care though. They're in their father's care.

It's like insisting that she must treat her nephews the same as her children.

@janeapple111
Ok I'll try to break this down further for you.
I have one child.
There's probably around 2billion children in the world.
Of all those children, my one child is the most important to me. His welfare is paramount to me. He's the only one I'm responsible for in any meaningful way.
That's not the same as saying I would harm/mistreat/abuse or otherwise be anything other than nice to the other 2billion.
My DH has 2 children. My DSD is therefore the most important Child Who Is Not Mine in the world to me.
I play with her, do crafts, arrange trips, we have our own little traditions at Christmas, just me an her, I support her relationship with her dad any way I can, I help her mum out with pick ups, even taken her to parties on her mum's weekend when they were awkward to get to without a car. I've been there at the mid term dance demos and scrubbed sick off the carpet so DH could concentrate on her.
But my DS is still my number one and I won't make him miss out on DSDs account.
I just can't take you seriously when you compare women like me to the monster your Dad married (or didn't marry, can't remember).

*I know a family where the woman had her own two children , and she had three stepchildren. She took her own two children on days out, and left the other three at home.

As an adult, one of those three children, told me how those three children cried all the time about being left at home, and how it affected his self esteem all of his life.*

Where was their dad in this? Why did he allow this to happen?

Also we have all been with adults from whom we do not expect a parents level of love. When I had sleep overs at my friends house as a child I didn’t feel slighted not getting a goodnight kiss from their parents. It wasn’t expected because they weren’t my parents!

Are you talking about inheritance here? Then the bio-mum's assets are irrelevant here

If DSCs mum's assets are irrelevant, why aren't mine to my DC? Their Dad's assets should be equal I agree but I do feel what I leave to my DC is irrelevant in the same way what DSCs mother leaves to them is.

Are you talking about more holidays? They should be offered the option of coming along at least dont you think? If not they will feel missed out?

I'm talking about going with my DC on my own, not with their Dad like DSC do with their Mum. How's it different? I can understand if DH was coming, but he doesn't in my situation so how is it different to DSC going away alone with their Mum which I'm assuming no one would think wrong?

Are you feeling that they shouldnt get toys from you in Christmas as they get some from their bio-m family?

Never said this at all. You're making things up.

The only reference to presents I made was that my DCs grandparents i.e. my parents, may get my DC, their grandchild more presents than my DSC because they don't know them that well and don't see them often and that I wouldn't stop them from doing that. If they want to spoil their grandchild a bit why shouldn't they? I also said this would usually always be done at GPs house anyway when DSC wouldn't be there.

Excel sheet from each parent to see if it balances out?

Again, never said anything of the sort.

Perhaps you are talking about love. Is there an excess of love that the SC should not access do you think if a SM also loves their DC?

Not sure what you're on about. Yes I love my DC far more than and in a different way to how I'll ever love my DSC If that's what you mean but I don't think that's abnormal.

The point is - the stepchild/children is now being taken care of by you for so many days in a year.

You chose that situation - they didn't.

You chose to date a man who had children.
The children had no choice at all about who would be their new stepmother.

I dated a man for three years, who had a son from a previous relationship. I was very kind and loving to that child. Because he was the vulnerable person in that situation, not me!

This comments contains contradictions: "@janeapple111 As I said I'm sorry for what you went through, but your dad made the choice to be with her. He allowed her to cut you out by not walking away at the first sign.

Why is it always the woman's fault? Why is it only stepmum's expected to treat their SC exactly as they do their own DC, thereby making it unequal?"

What you seem to be saying, is that the SM was not guilty for treating @janeapple differently, but then the father is the guilty one because he should have left? If he should have left, and not allowed this to happen, then it literally means the SM was doing something wrong?

@janeapple111

The point is - the stepchild/children is now being taken care of by you for so many days in a year.

You chose that situation - they didn't.

You chose to date a man who had children.
The children had no choice at all about who would be their new stepmother.

I dated a man for three years, who had a son from a previous relationship. I was very kind and loving to that child. Because he was the vulnerable person in that situation, not me!

No they are being taken care of by their father. Their parent.

What you seem to be saying, is that the SM was not guilty for treating jneapple differently, but then the father is the guilty one because he should have left? If he should have left, and not allowed this to happen, then it literally means the SM was doing something wrong?

No I don't think SM is blameless in that particular scenario at all. But it's not just her at fault if the parent stays and allows it is it? Surely some blame does need to be reserved for the DCs actual parent in that scenario.

There was a previous thread on here stating questioning whether DC end up worse off than SC...that had a lot of people discussing what it being said here.

It’s interesting reading a lot a view points, it’s an angle I never looked at it from until having my own DC

For example, my Dad's father was a nasty piece of work who abused him regularly. His mother stayed with him.

He hates his dad absolutely and he is obviously in the wrong, but he does harbour some ill feeling toward his mother too for keeping him in that situation.

Men are expected and encouraged to put their own children first ahead of their stepchildren, so I think it’s only fair that women should be able to do the same.

Op, when I was a stepmum I felt how you’re feeling 100%. And now I’m a mum of children with separated parents I still feel it 100%. It still bloody irritates me now. So many women think their children are owed absolutely everything from everybody, including their children’s stepmum and her family.

Sometimes the stepchildren do take a backseat in the stepmum’s/ stepmum’s family’s affections, time, money, efforts, excitement. But that’s fine, because the stepchildren have their own mum and maternal grandparents.

@Fondizone

This comments contains contradictions: "*@janeapple*111 As I said I'm sorry for what you went through, but your dad made the choice to be with her. He allowed her to cut you out by not walking away at the first sign.

Why is it always the woman's fault? Why is it only stepmum's expected to treat their SC exactly as they do their own DC, thereby making it unequal?"

What you seem to be saying, is that the SM was not guilty for treating @janeapple differently, but then the father is the guilty one because he should have left? If he should have left, and not allowed this to happen, then it literally means the SM was doing something wrong?

The SM might have been guilty of it but her father was the one who was responsible for the choice and should have been ensuring that his child was alright.

It's like blaming the OW if your husband has an affair. Yes, she is guilty of having an affair with him. But it's your husband who is letting you down and where you should direct your anger.

What you seem to be saying, is that the SM was not guilty for treating @janeapple* differently, but then the father is the guilty one because he should have left? If he should have left, and not allowed this to happen, then it literally means the SM was doing something wrong?

Nope. The SM sounds awful. But the person who should have protected jane from such treatment was her father. She was his child, therefore protecting her should have been his priority. He chose to stay with the stepmom thereby subjecting Jane to the horrible treatment she received. If he had chosen to put his child first she wouldn't have suffered.

"The only reference to presents I made was that my DCs grandparents i.e. my parents, may get my DC, their grandchild more presents than my DSC because they don't know them that well and don't see them often and that I wouldn't stop them from doing that. If they want to spoil their grandchild a bit why shouldn't they? I also said this would usually always be done at GPs house anyway when DSC wouldn't be there."

Really, there are very easy emotionally intelligent ways to mitigate these sorts of issues...you can imagine the SC feeling bad if all presents are opening together. You could ask your parents to handout any excess DC only presents another time when SC is not around? I mean all really it needs is a bit of empathy here....is that not "fair"?

@Fondizone

This comments contains contradictions: "*@janeapple*111 As I said I'm sorry for what you went through, but your dad made the choice to be with her. He allowed her to cut you out by not walking away at the first sign.

Why is it always the woman's fault? Why is it only stepmum's expected to treat their SC exactly as they do their own DC, thereby making it unequal?"

What you seem to be saying, is that the SM was not guilty for treating @janeapple differently, but then the father is the guilty one because he should have left? If he should have left, and not allowed this to happen, then it literally means the SM was doing something wrong?

The SM was responsible for her actions, but the father was responsible for allowing those actions to continue.

Really, there are very easy emotionally intelligent ways to mitigate these sorts of issues...you can imagine the SC feeling bad if all presents are opening together. You could ask your parents to handout any excess DC only presents another time when SC is not around? I mean all really it needs is a bit of empathy here....is that not "fair"?

Did you read what I said...? That's exactly what I said happens 🤣

@KaleSlayer

Same as if you dont want to get raped dont wear a short skirt - on a much lower level of course, but its the same thing.

Whoa. How dare you? This is nothing at all like rape.

I never said it was - i said its victim blaming and gave an example of that. Maybe read :)

"It's like blaming the OW if your husband has an affair. Yes, she is guilty of having an affair with him. But it's your husband who is letting you down and where you should direct your anger."

hmm.. are you saying the SM should not be an object of anger here? The SM is guilty for not opening her heart to the SC. Yes the DF must have intervened, but that doesnt mean the anger should be directed only to him. Both are at fault and anger to both is justifiable.