[quote Fondizone]@FishyFriday that sounds like a nightmare! I'm getting that they've general food issues, but even worse when they're with you? Maybe they know they will get away with it? How old are they if you don't mind me asking?[/quote]
They're 4 and 7. And they have general food issues. Literally no one enjoys eating with them. Their mum doesn't eat with them either - as far as I can tell, she gives them beige food earlier than she eats too. She dropped them off last night and I overheard her telling my H that DSD 'ate up all her chicken nuggets and chips' but DSS refused to eat anything.
Tbh, it's not that they're fussy (they are of course); it's a whole range of other behaviours that are all about using their eating to control and upset people. They eat really, really slowly. Like an hour to eat a tiny sandwich. DSD sulks and makes faces at the table. She sits and stares angrily at me throughout meals. DSS will make himself sick on demand for attention. He'll refuse to put a single forkful in his mouth without asking 'is this enough daddy?'. They'll both sit there chewing the same bit of food for 10 minutes and will only swallow it if told to. They'll do this with scrambled egg (which my DS describes as 'practically pre-chewed food').
Since living with my H, my DS has taken to bolting his food so he can escape the table ASAP. I always used to insist that everyone stayed til the end of the meal and just chatted. But I can't make him sit there through a performance of all kinds of bad behaviour that might last hours. I don't want him to be bolting his food and then disappearing to his room. That's not good for him. And the baby does not need to be exposed to any of it.
My SC know their father is likely to get angry at me because he has to act, which obviously encourages them. He won't consistently stick to anything to try to help, which intermittently reinforces the poor behaviour. He'll allow them to take forever and make everyone late for something. They do it in cafe when they've chosen their own food. Memorably once DSD took 2 hours to eat half a cheese toastie (she likes cheese toasties). He wouldn't just end the meal ('I don't want her to be hungry'). And then he took her out straight afterwards to buy her new toys.
So, I've just drawn my boundaries. Their eating behaviour is not going to improve (I suspect it'll get worse) and it can be his problem entirely. I'll make nice food and try to have calm, pleasant mealtimes with my children. Their experiences are important. And so is my mental health (which was rapidly deteriorating with all the stress and nonsense). I guess that's the point of this OP's thread. I do need to put my children first. I cannot let my H or the way he lets his children behave affect them so negatively.
And it's not just food. My SC have learned that their mother will threaten to pull contact if they say they don't like anything. So now their father makes sure he plans loads of treats and tells them about what wonderful stuff they'll be doing when they next come. DSS arrives and within 5 minutes he's interrogating his father to make sure that they are definitely getting X, Y and Z. So he's teaching them to be hugely demanding and that they get what they want regardless how they behave. Because there's no way they'd want to just see their father. There has to be a trampoline park trip, a new skateboard and McDonald's for dinner. Otherwise they might decide not to come.
As I said, it isn't the children really (they are learning unfortunate behaviours, but that's not their fault). It's my husband. He's creating the problems. And he's so desperate to evade responsibility for it by blaming everything on me.