My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

I think your initial post confuses expectations of equal love and treatment with equality. They should be equal. In inheritance and love. In this step parenting forum sps will sympathise with you, but if you write to the general mn you'll find vastly different outcome. Since sp was invented, there has always been an expectation that sc are treated equally. And there has always been pushback from some sps favouring their own DC. Its a never ending argument, and if sps can't give equality they shouldn't enter in a sp family if they want to avoid these frustrations. Sorry, but even if there'll be loads of sps who disagree with this in this forum, they're deluding themselves, as this is the reality of why these forums and problems exist: a lack of equal treatment...

@Chailatteplease

No you didn’t, read back your first posts. As I’ve already pointed out, you changed your tune once you were called out on your attitude towards your husband’s children.

And I said I’m grateful my children DO have a stepmother, a nice one who treats them well.

Maybe you should read through your own and others posts a couple of times before responding.

I said

I just don't naturally think about it as much as my own

AS MUCH AS. Not never, not 'ive never and would never treat my DSC'. Just not as much as.

I then elaborated further when someone said 'never'.

I've not changed my tune at all. And most people posting seem to agree with me so I'm not sure why you'd think I would feel the need to either.

*sorry that first sentence should read: think your initial post confuses expectations of more love and treatment with equality

@Fondizone

I think your initial post confuses expectations of equal love and treatment with equality. They should be equal. In inheritance and love. In this step parenting forum sps will sympathise with you, but if you write to the general mn you'll find vastly different outcome. Since sp was invented, there has always been an expectation that sc are treated equally. And there has always been pushback from some sps favouring their own DC. Its a never ending argument, and if sps can't give equality they shouldn't enter in a sp family if they want to avoid these frustrations. Sorry, but even if there'll be loads of sps who disagree with this in this forum, they're deluding themselves, as this is the reality of why these forums and problems exist: a lack of equal treatment...

Finally, an accurate and valid poster!

@Fondizone

I think your initial post confuses expectations of equal love and treatment with equality. They should be equal. In inheritance and love. In this step parenting forum sps will sympathise with you, but if you write to the general mn you'll find vastly different outcome. Since sp was invented, there has always been an expectation that sc are treated equally. And there has always been pushback from some sps favouring their own DC. Its a never ending argument, and if sps can't give equality they shouldn't enter in a sp family if they want to avoid these frustrations. Sorry, but even if there'll be loads of sps who disagree with this in this forum, they're deluding themselves, as this is the reality of why these forums and problems exist: a lack of equal treatment...

What a load of shite

They are treated equally in inheritance and love imo.

Each child has a mother and each has a father. Equal.

My DSC would be a bit if I tried to love them like I love my DC I think. They don't think of me as a mother and don't want loving like a mother by me from what I can tell.

They should be equal. In inheritance and love
I agree! They should be equal to any other children their parents may have.
Or did you mean that some children should have 3 or even 4 parents providing for them but the others only 2?

@Chailatteplease

As has been pointed out already, you’re in your own kind of company on this forum. Seems like decent step parents are few and far between. Post it in AIBU instead and see if everyone agrees then.

Yes because AIBU is known for balanced responses... It's called a vipers nest for a reason over there 🤣

[quote Chailatteplease]@aSofaNearYou It’s in black and white. I just can’t be bothered to go back and copy and paste.[/quote]
Yeah, because you're wrong. OP has just explained to you (though it wasn't necessary) that she quite clearly says she doesn't do those things AS MUCH, from the very start of her thread. Her tune is exactly the same now as it has always been.

It's very funny when posters do things like tell other posters off for making arrogant assumptions, without noticing the irony.

@Youseethethingis

They should be equal. In inheritance and love I agree! They should be equal to any other children their parents may have. Or did you mean that some children should have 3 or even 4 parents providing for them but the others only 2?

Yes - it puts the step children at an advantage and the second children (for want of a better phrase) at a disadvantage. What’s fair about that?

There is often talk of protecting assets from your spouse on this forum, but somehow that’s not applicable to spouses offspring?

Nah. Not with you on this. I’d treat stepchildren the same as my own bio ones. Same inheritance split, same trips away, same everything. Bad lesson to teach your own bio children by not being fully inclusive of their step sibs if you ask me.

@Maybe83 your post was heartwarming and an examplar of stepparenting attitudes. Usually reading these threads is so depressing as the lack of love and equality is trying to be normalised and success stories are never here, but only issues and attitudes of defensiveness. Really loved your description, thank you.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

Nah. Not with you on this. I’d treat stepchildren the same as my own bio ones. Same inheritance split, same trips away, same everything. Bad lesson to teach your own bio children by not being fully inclusive of their step sibs if you ask me.

You would, as in, you have no actual experience?

I also know of another case. A woman had two children of her own, and married a man with three children of his own. His wife had died.

The woman did not like his children, and would only bring her own children on days out. She would leave the other three children at home on their own.

One of these three children told me this, when he had grown up into an adult. It made me cry.He said that the stepmother was so cold to them He said that the three children would cry at home when they were left behind. he said that it severely ruined his self esteem. All three of those children had very bad lives, when they grew up.

If you are not going to care for your partner's children, do not get with a man with children!Think about how you are damaging those children!

@janeapple111 I'm sorry for your experience but you are projecting enormously throughout that post.

This woman made my life a total misery. She hated children, she hated me seeing my Dad

So me saying I prioritise my own DC makes me someone who hates children and hates them seeing their Dad and makes their life a misery...okay.

I suspect you're projecting a little.

@aSofaNearYou as a parent yes, as a stepchild myself, also yes.

@janeapple111

I also know of another case. A woman had two children of her own, and married a man with three children of his own. His wife had died.

The woman did not like his children, and would only bring her own children on days out. She would leave the other three children at home on their own.

One of these three children told me this, when he had grown up into an adult. It made me cry.He said that the stepmother was so cold to them He said that the three children would cry at home when they were left behind. he said that it severely ruined his self esteem. All three of those children had very bad lives, when they grew up.

If you are not going to care for your partner's children, do not get with a man with children!Think about how you are damaging those children!

Yeah... I don't do anything like that.

Taking my DC out when DSC aren't there is absolutely nothing like leaving them at home on their own.

@janeapple111
Your experience was horrible, and your dad and his wife utter arseholes. No doubt about it.
That's not what is being discussed here though. At all.

They should be equal. In inheritance and love

I don’t think inheritance can necessarily be equal. My will (SM) used to state that that everything was divided between DC and SC equally in the event of DH has already passed away. I’m thinking of changing it as I’m increasingly aware that SC will greatly benefit from mums generous estate. SC are still in there but it’s less than DC with a letter explaining why. That way, I can ensure that all children at “looked after” should the worse happen whereas if it was equal then SC would be a lot better off than DC.

DH struggled with it a bit as we’d always treated everyone equally but the fact is that SC and DC circumstances are different and that does sometimes need to be acknowledged.

As a child of divorced parents, I can say this:

The quality of life of a child with divorced parents, TOTALLY depends on the woman that the father goes out with, after the divorce.

It is women that ruin family lives. A woman ruined my family life. And anyone I know that had family problems, where people were not allowed to see each other, it was caused by women.

A lot of women seem to be very insecure and think that if their partner loves a child from a previous marriage, that it means that they don't love them enough.

This is another problem you see here all the time. You can say something completely normal like 'i want to treat my DC' and people say things like 'well I had a step mother who was horrible to me, told me she hated me, stopped me from seeing my Dad and ignored me completely' and act like it's remotely the same thing.

Sorry for what you went through but what you described is literally nothing like my situation.

Again. Nothing to do with what OP is saying.