I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

[totalresult]

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

And @memberofthewedding this isn't a child who was born with a disability & so everyone has had time to adjust. This is a child with a recent diagnosis whereby EVERYONE is adjustment mode.

To suggest that this child, at this point in time, needs to learn not everything revolves them is also extremely callous.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the op wanting to treat her own dc. But to suggest that a recently diagnosed child just get over themselves & get on with it beggars belief.

Maybe the DP did not realise what OP had planned for her DCS when he booked the second week off

This really is an argument in favour of discussing things which will impact your partner before doing them.

He booked without discussion.

I'm glad that you could belatedly have a conversation with DP. Hope it's all cleared up now, your DC deserve some 121 time with you. There may be things in their lives which pale into insignificance compared to DSC's condition. They deserve to be listened to, to have time with their parent.

Op, well done for having the convo. I think you’ve done the right thing. Absolutely things need to be handled sensitively. However you and your DC also deserve to have these experiences / time 121 with you. It’s really important.

Take your DC to Alton Towers and the other bits and pieces. On top of the SDC’s illness, Covid has hammered everyone. Your DC will want a little bit of normality back and that’s ok.

I do hope your DP’s ‘comments’ won’t make you change your mind and I hope they don’t increase with frequency as the time nears.
Can he not go to family that second week? Or have someone come and stay with him to help him? It’s not your responsibility (or your children’s) to provide that 100% of the time.

Well done OP. It sounds like you handled it well.

I hope the comments stop.

If I were you I would tell my DC now that we'll be going to Alton Towers/other things they'd like to do on x, y date and book the tickets to prevent me from giving in to the comments.

If your husband brings I up again I'd say kind but also tell him that you did say you were booking a week for just you and your kids and he knew that when booking the same week. Maybe he'd like to change his week if it's going to upset him or DSC.

This would end a relationship for me. Alton Towers will still be there next year. I couldn't be with someone so callous

@totalresult

So I had a chat with DP last night. I'm not entirely sure how well it went but we did avoid clashing too much about it.

DP has handled DSC being unwell like an absolute hero, and I fully understand him wanting us around on the same weeks during the summer. It's not that he can't look after DSC, I think it's to try and feel a bit more 'normal' by having my DC around. And even something simple like feeling he can breathe as there is another adult around to help if need be.

I was quite honest and said that on the second week there are a few things that my DC want to do that may not be suitable for DSC, such as Alton Towers. He didn't seem overly happy but did end up saying he understands. I felt dreadful after - it's been such a balancing act, trying to support him and also support DSC without appearing to push my DC aside. They have handled everything so well and I'm so proud of them, and ultimately they deserve to have some time with me where they can just be kids and not worry about how X is feeling, or if X needs to go home. I don't mean that to sound awful, but it's easy to forget that both my DC are still children too.

The conversation still doesn't seem over though, and DP has made the odd comment this morning, but at least he now knows what page I'm on.

OP, will your partner consider changing his second week off to a different one? That seems the easiest solution.

@Hazelnutlatteplease Before I respond, can I check whether it is me you are calling callous??

@Hazelnutlatteplease

This would end a relationship for me. Alton Towers will still be there next year. I couldn't be with someone so callous

The thing is, the OP's children then have their fun postponed. Childhoods are not infinite. A year is a long time to just write off. Especially when the OP is trying to be sensitive and supportive, and had been planning to go to Alton towers when her DSC was not even going to be there.

It's awful that her DSC is so ill. But her children shouldn't be asked to put their lives on hold as a result. Indeed, they really need to be able to have some time to do things they want to because it is not easy for them living with a very ill stepsibling. All the children have needs here, and the OP is trying to balance them in a sensitive way.

@Hazelnutlatteplease

This would end a relationship for me. Alton Towers will still be there next year. I couldn't be with someone so callous

Well in that case the OP would be well rid of someone who was so fucking sanctimonious .

Op ignore people who can not seem to read or comprehend. My dd has a life limiting illness, she would love to do some of the things her siblings do but they can't pause their lives whilst we wait for her to recover. Instead she special treats which her siblings do not, all treated equally just differently.
If anything her diagnosis has made us all realise how precious our time on the earth is and how it can all shatter in a moment

Such a very sad situation for the child with the life limiting illness and all their friends and family. However, I do not think it is a good thing for a parent to set an expectation that other DC should have their lives and pleasures put on hold because of an ill sibling.

By all means, recognise it's not ideal but making it not possible for all the children doesn't make it any better for the ill child.

Much better to arrange things that are different for the ill sibling.

If you still don't agree , try rereading 'What Katy did'. Explains it perfectly.

Any updates, OP? Did your partner change his vacation dates?

@PerveenMistry No updates currently, DP hasn't changed his annual leave either

Wishing you the best outcome. Keep us posted!

If it was the other way around I wouldn't have an issue with DP taking his DC out for days trips if mine couldn't due to ill health

Unless you can guarantee to match SDC and your DC number/quality/expense of trips/holidays/parties/sleepovers etc,......the DC will always do stuff that the other can't for whatever reason....

And actually there's no problem with you wanting to take your DC out yourself and being able to do things like this.....and his childcare responsibilities are not for you to manage to the detriment of your own DC and the type of stability you want to create for them.

One of my dc's has a long term medical condition that causes fatigue. He wouldn't expect his siblings to stay home in sympathy..
You owe it to your dc to give them the childhood you want for them.

There is no good outcome in this scenario - it is about how it is managed.
OP will go on her trips and SDC will get upset. How that is dealt with in the family is the key here.

Yes the OPS DC deserve to have a normal childhood but expecting a 10 yr old who was previously fit and well to understand and accept that without being upset, whilst undergoing chemo and accepting their own mortality is probably pushing the maturity of any 10 yr old to the limit. How both OP and her DP deal with the situation is the key - there are no winners.

All incredibly sad.

@bogoffmda

There is no good outcome in this scenario - it is about how it is managed. OP will go on her trips and SDC will get upset. How that is dealt with in the family is the key here.

Yes the OPS DC deserve to have a normal childhood but expecting a 10 yr old who was previously fit and well to understand and accept that without being upset, whilst undergoing chemo and accepting their own mortality is probably pushing the maturity of any 10 yr old to the limit. How both OP and her DP deal with the situation is the key - there are no winners.

All incredibly sad.

It's just too bad the father is insistent on bringing his child that week to witness the OP's kids getting their special outing.

If father had selected a different week this wouldn't be nearly as fraught. And I'd still like to know if the child's own mother is making as much effort as everyone seems to think the OP should.

Perveen - the child will find out about the trips whatever happens, just slightly easier to avoid the tears on the day.

No one is behaving badly in this case and what the hell do you think the mother has been doing for the past year. Undoubtedly, the DSC has spent more time with her having chemo and recovering between sessions than their DF, which is completely understandable but your implication that the DF and DM are being unreasonable, lazy is absolutely unecessary and so confrontational.

OP gets it - am not sure why you have to bring in a level of unnecessary aggression to this discussion.

@bogoffmda

Perveen - the child will find out about the trips whatever happens, just slightly easier to avoid the tears on the day.

No one is behaving badly in this case and what the hell do you think the mother has been doing for the past year. Undoubtedly, the DSC has spent more time with her having chemo and recovering between sessions than their DF, which is completely understandable but your implication that the DF and DM are being unreasonable, lazy is absolutely unecessary and so confrontational.

OP gets it - am not sure why you have to bring in a level of unnecessary aggression to this discussion.

So basically the OP's children, who are not related to the ill child (the ill child has his own mother to see to his activities) should not do anything fun for the foreseeable future unless the fun thing also is available to the ill child?

They must curb their activities to a level as if they too are ill and immune compromised, so the child of their mother's boyfriend doesn't get sad?

Where has anyone said that?

I think most people have said go ahead but realise that the ill child is going to be upset. You just seem to not accept that this child will be upset and most of us on this thread can understand why.

You want to blame people and there is no blame here.

My eldest had various major health issues until the age of 7-8, as a family we chose not to do things that all the kids could not do. EXs new family chose to go ahead, exclude and ignore the pain that this caused. This is a scenario I have been faced with - so am actually speaking with some knowledge.

Move on 4.5 years and eldest understands why it happened in a more adult way - but still says it sucked and he has not forgiven his father.
The way his father handled it was so poor - hence my comments that no matter what this child will be upset.