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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

196 replies

totalresult · 22/04/2021 12:36

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

OP posts:
ElderMillennial · 22/04/2021 22:15

He's putting his child ahead of yours but expecting you not to do the same.

Your children are only young once OP and so you should be able to some of the things with them that you / they want to do.

Just don't be insensitive about it to your DSC

MrsDoctorDear · 22/04/2021 22:15

Your DC will end up resenting your partner's child if they are blocked from doing other things.
Does your partner want that?

babytops · 22/04/2021 22:17

Your partner is unreasonable.
It's like people hear 'step' children and different rules apply.
I have 3 kids and last year one was very ill and was admitted to hospital where we spent 2 months. Was a shit time but that didn't mean life and fun activities had to stop for the other 2.
Coincidentally I also have a stepson who is the oldest and we regularly do things without him because he's not interested.

HeckyPeck · 22/04/2021 22:24

What it boils down to for me is you're either going to upset your kids or have your DP "in a hump".

I'd choose the hump.

You have more than one week off so it sounds like so plenty of time together. One day where you take your kids out is completely reasonable. Bare minimum I'd say actually.

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 23:08

@Hazelnutlatteplease

I prefaced this by saying I'm not a step parent but I am a parent of an mostly very able one and one wheelchair user. I disagree with many of the posters here.

A holiday is about everyone in the family having fun and having a treat. We wouldn't do something during a holiday that would cause upset to another family member. There are many different ways to have fun and sometimes one way is appropriate sometimes another, but I wouldn't find deliberately excluding a family member very acceptable.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever do it. But just not this time. For us If something isnt possible for whatever reason now, but someone has said its important to them, it becomes a priority for the future... a bit like a long running bucket list.

Not during the holiday week they are all away. But once or twice over the whole summer holidays while they are all off school at home? Sure.
sassbott · 23/04/2021 07:12

A few things stand out for me here if I’m honest.

Firstly in your opening post, you say your DP booked his leave to coincide with your leave and to take all the children away together. Can I ask?
Was this joint leave planned or did he just sort of invite himself and his DC?

CornishGem1975 · 23/04/2021 09:40

@HeckyPeck

What it boils down to for me is you're either going to upset your kids or have your DP "in a hump".

I'd choose the hump.

You have more than one week off so it sounds like so plenty of time together. One day where you take your kids out is completely reasonable. Bare minimum I'd say actually.

This. I'd upset my DP rather than my kids. They're not kids for long and won't want to do stuff with you forever. He's a grown bloody man. He can handle being in a mood about it for a day or two (even though he has not right to, as someone else mentioned, he's basically expecting you to put his child over your own).
FizzyApricot · 23/04/2021 09:50

Oh yes definitely don't make a big deal out of DSC not going. It is ok for them to be disappointed and it's a good lesson to learn in life that not everything fits around one person.

Original poster
totalresult · 23/04/2021 09:58

@sassbott We discussed taking one weeks annual leave the same as each other so that the DC could see each other. I was then planning to take some more leave on my own to do things with my DC. DP then said he would take the same time off again as me.

It's not a case of him being lazy and wanting me to plan activities as he (before illness) did a lot with his DC.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 23/04/2021 10:06

Why cant they go to a theme park ?. We have 2 kids with complex needs and they have gone to theme parks etc along with our other children. There are some accessible rides usually and changing room and toilets with hoists. And you get a priority ticket to jump the queue in lots of them as well. So they will be the envy of their siblings !
So I would do some research and find a good option for all. Eg Drayton Manor has a theme park and zoo so there are other things to explore and do other than rides so somewhere like that could work well and of course you can split up for parts of the day and do what suits individual children.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 23/04/2021 10:13

Mumsnet recently seems to just be thread after thread about poor kids stuck in blended family situations that are disadvantaging them. If I ever had any doubt that blended families very, very rarely work well for kids, Mumsnet has convinced me of that recently. It’s just issue after issue where there is no easy answer for anyone Sad

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2021 10:14

Can’t your DC miss an activity one weekend that DP’s child isn’t with you? Play hooky from school on a Friday, even, just for once? That would seem like the best plan.

Or just be really honest with your DP? I don’t think your DC necessarily get to do multiple activities their step-sib can’t join in with whilst on a 2-week holiday together but they should get to do a couple and there should be a way to accommodate that without anyone having their nose out of joint if it’s planned sensitively. Your DP can’t expect to dictate all the decisions in a blended family of 5, even if it’s been a traumatic time.

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2021 10:21

I think as you’ve just only mentioned it ‘briefly’ then now is the time to have a proper discussion and say you want to work out a way for the kids to all get the best time and how can we do that well?

I think as your DP deliberately booked his second leave week when you’d planned to do things alone with your DC to give them what they wanted (without causing upset, as step-sib wouldn’t have been there) that he has to be the one to come up with a plan that accommodates your DC’s needs as well as his.

I doubt he’s being deliberately obstructing, just lots of emotions after this last 18 months, I suppose, and easy to not see the bigger picture for your DC as well as his.

EKGEMS · 23/04/2021 10:25

@flapjackfairy Totally agree with you-my kid is in a wheelchair and obviously cannot do certain things due to limitations but I would never restrict other children in the family from going someplace and at ten he would've understood and the adult supervising him would've done something he enjoyed on that particular day

PullItThatWayGav · 23/04/2021 10:25

Can’t your DC miss an activity one weekend that DP’s child isn’t with you? Play hooky from school on a Friday, even, just for once? That would seem like the best plan

To be clear you think it's better that OPs DC miss school for a day instead of just doing something on their own with their own mother one time? Seriously?

How ridiculous.

PullItThatWayGav · 23/04/2021 10:27

I think the 'best plan' is to just stop guilting SPs into feeling they can enjoy time alone with their own kids.

OPs partner is more than capable of doing something with his own DC on the same day if he wishes. Whether or not her DSC is ill, OP and her DC should still be allowed to enjoy time alone with one another.

PullItThatWayGav · 23/04/2021 10:27

Can't enjoy*

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/04/2021 10:30

I think you need to say to him for the second week he's tagged along to, these are the plans the kids have for that week. I don't think SC will be able to do a lot of them. I don't think it's fair on her that she's here whilst they're doing all these activities- prob best to pick another week.

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2021 10:34

@PullItThatWayGav

Can’t your DC miss an activity one weekend that DP’s child isn’t with you? Play hooky from school on a Friday, even, just for once? That would seem like the best plan

To be clear you think it's better that OPs DC miss school for a day instead of just doing something on their own with their own mother one time? Seriously?

How ridiculous.

Eh, wouldn’t bother me. If OP is worried about upsetting stepchild (which it seems she is) then it’s a valid plan. I’m pretty pro not taking random days off but one day at a theme park is not missing 3 weeks to get a cheap holiday in Florida.
FishyFriday · 23/04/2021 10:38

@MayorGoodwaysChicken it's always really helpful to come on to a thread like this - especially one like this exact one - and just post something about those poor children in awful blended families. That's really useful to the OP. 🙄

Triffid1 · 23/04/2021 10:39

I am with your DP here. If DS was ill and couldn't go to a theme park, I would NOT be taking DD to a theme park while we're all on holiday together. Sorry, that just seems mean. The only way this is possible is there is some equivalent treat that your DP's DC would love and could do while you and your DC are at the theme park.

I'm also not buying that there absolutely isn't a single other day during the entire summer holidays that you couldn't take your DC while you don't have DSC?

Original poster
totalresult · 23/04/2021 10:42

@Triffid1 Just to clarify a couple of points!

Me and DP agreed to take one week off together with all DC. I have taken a second week off to do things with just my DC. He has now taken the same week off (without discussion) and is also having his DC.

I work full time - the 2 weeks I have off out of the 6 is all I can take. I have an annual leave allowance which needs to last an entire year.

OP posts:
VodkaSlimline · 23/04/2021 10:44

Can you move your week off? Your DC need to come first. Your DP sounds very controlling and selfish.

sassbott · 23/04/2021 10:46

@totalresult then if I’m honest, this isn’t a specific issue but a wider issue.

Bluntly, you need some 121 time with your own DC. And I would say that irrelevant of whether the SC is unwell. It’s actually really important that all children get 121 time with their parent.
You’ve been super generous booking that one week, your DP is (tbh) inviting himself to your time with your DC and then telling you what you / cannot do with that time. It’s pretty outrageous if you want my honest opinion.

You have every right to that time with your DC. And also every right to do activities with your DC that they will enjoy and will create lovely memories for you all.
How your DP has done this and made you feel like the person in the wrong is exactly what gets my back up (time and again) in these situations.

Please, book time with your DC. Just them and you. And tell your DP that you need this time.
Yes it’s super awful that his child cannot join, but regardless of that, you and your children’s lives cannot go on hold and I think your DP is being super selfish in thinking it should.

I’ve been in your shoes (not an unwell child) but my exp acted this way over ‘holiday’ time. And time and again expected my (much older) children to accommodate activities more suited to his children. I tried it once or twice and actually saw how rubbish it was for my kids. My kids really did not want to share my attention.

Please book what you want with your DC. Ask him to change his leave so that you can enjoy 121 time with your children.

Bibidy · 23/04/2021 10:46

This is unfair OP. If it were (god forbid) one of your children who had had these health issues, you would still allow the other to do things that they enjoy.

I understand not doing stuff every day that SC can't join in with, but to not do anything at all for your kids during your only time off with them? Not fair.

Also, at 10 SC will have an understanding of the fact that they are getting better from illness and therefore not quite able to do everything they'd like just yet so may not be as sensitive as your DP is fearing. The are not a tiny toddler who won't understand.

As an aside, is there really nothing SC could join in with at a theme park, maybe the more gentle rides?

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